Quote From: joe_caliI have become more intrinsic over the past years after my son was born. He is now 5 and he is the jewel in my life. Where I found solice before in my wife I cannot any longer and do not have the friends from my past to speak to. I feel very alone as my wife does not want to hear anything about my problems because she feels that she has it worse. I cannot argue with this because we are in the same boat with some of our problems, but she has firends she can talk to, where I do not.
To respond to this myself, I feel that this message board is a good way to begin to release some of this stress and work out why I am on this destructive path of depression. I think that just being able to talk about this to anyone can help to defuse the situation a little bit.
I know how some of you feel, and although we all have our differences, maybe some of these thoughts will find you and make you feel a little better. It always gets better, but working it through and talking about it helps to heal and figure it all out.
How are you today? I often wonder myself why when in the throes of life, we question when we are not happy, and take it almost for granted when we are are! Its almost as if we are a priviledged bunch that deserve to be happy all the time. And when we aren't when we do't get what we want, who we want, we automatically we begin to take it upon ourselves to punish ourselves for being in such a mess. Somehow this pain is self deserving and happiness is something that just isn't ours to have. Thinking too much in either direction will surly always bring us to our knees. Kind of where you are now.
I also believe it is very important to have an outlet for our thoughts because some of us don't have the availability to throwing things off others to get a reaction, an opinion. A confidant of sorts. But even if we did, wouldn't it make more sense to be able to come to a conclusion on our own, our own ideas, thoughts, dreams, opinions? instead of someone else that has absolutely nothing to gain from our experiences?
I am experiencing this now myself. My mom died 2 years ago. She was my confidant. I began to feel the pangs of voidedness after a few months when I felt I really needed someone to talk to . She was always there if I wanted or needed her. Now, I am faced alone with my problems. Holy cow. YOu mean I have to figure this out all by myself??????!!!! lol. So I sought a therapist. I still can't make my own decisions without bouncing it off of someone. As much as I try, I need to hear myself, see a reaction, and get a nod of approval or disapproval, in order to trust my own thoughts. This is a smart thing in my case because I keep choosing to go down paths of destruction when it comes to relationships. I set them up to fail by who I choose to be with. I know I do this I continue to do this. I am working on changing it. But it is a slow process.
Now, back to you.......Your son is 5. I am happy that you can experience parenthood. Lots of people are not so fortunate. I am happy that you see him as the jewel in your life. He is! He is a gift to you and you to him. ! Yet, we know one jewel, one gift, will never satisfy all of our needs. So what are your other needs? Why did your relationship falter? When did the communication stop? You do know, its never too late to undo something, right? Forgiveness and compassion is something we all need to learn to give to ourselves and others. But it starts with you. You are somehow managing to beat yourself up for something. Are you afraid? Are you experiencing dysfunction? Do you feel inadequate? Where are your doubts? Instead of feeling bad because you and your wife do not have a good relationship, look for someone that you can have a good relationship with! There will always be someone, something out there for you if you want it. You need to stop blaming her for your unhappiness. I kind of did the same thing. I got married, then 7 years later, divorced. Why? Because I thought I was happy when I met him, and then got pissy when the marriage proved to me how much more work I needed to do....how NOT happy I really was. How it was all a front. But it was easier to blame him because of what he did, did not do, etc.
Stop looking outside of yourself as the cause of your unhappiness. YOu carry it around with you everywhere you go. You can go from new york to china and never find happiness because you carry you wherever you go. It is difficult to do, but in order to truly be able to be happy, you have to truly be able to be unhappy, and be ok with that. Then you also need to see that while you are suffering, someone is suffering too in exactly the same way. You are not alone. Right now someone feels exactly the same. Its the universal flow; we cannot hide from it.
My suggestion? Starting today, DO something that is going to be a challenge, something small is perfect. Like go to a church and smile at the person in the pew. Or go to the supermarket and tip the cashier! Or the next time you see a child look them in the eye and wink or smile. Little things. Then work your way up to bold things like reaching out to someone in need. Feel their pain. Share their fear. Hug. Little by little, you will feel your depression lifting. I know. We have to get out of heads just long enough so that we don't forget its not all about US.......this way, we will never be lonely.
I hope this makes sense to you. Oh. I read buddhism. If you like you might want to read a book called "When things fall apart" by Pema Chodron. Its a small book, fits right in your back pocket. Depending on the size of the jeans. ha ha.
Kim
