Topic : Depression

Here's a big ol' friendly hug from New York ! Hugggssss.

I'm very new to this site, don't know what catagory I really fit in.  I do know however, that I am very depressed and having difficulty in finding my way out.  I find myself trying to conect some how to get some sort of help.

I am trying to mentally and finacially survive.  Two years ago I was employed and taking care of my mother who has MS and is bedridden.  I don't know how I did it but I was very active and motivated.  I also suffer from bipolar diagnosed by my psychiatrist who had me on medication that worked very well for me and I was able to function.  But since I was layed off I no longer am able to afford it.  I worked as a Crime Victim Advocate, it was my career.  I found that I was very good at dealing with crisis situation.  I am also a volunteer firefigheter, but I have not been very involved in that in the last year.

My mother is the most wonderful person you could ever meet.  She has had MS for the majority of her life and is now in the progressive stage.  She never complains.  She worked until retirement so fortunately she has an income to have in home help.  All of her income goes to medical expenses and help and also gives me a small allowance since I take care of her every night.  She owns her home and we manage to keep up on bills.  Because of her income she is not eligible for any type of assistance.  Medication or very expensive.  I have cut back on weekend help.  I have very little time that I can call my own.  I have forgotten how or what it's like to sleep at least six hours straight in my own bed.  I am loosing my momentum.  Lately I feel like I could breakdown any minute.  It's a challenge just to get a day going.  I was going to use my time to at least go to school and learn a new career. but I don't even have the mental capacity or energy to get past the application stage. I would like to be able to work again to contribute finacially and plan my future.  Since all the finances go to my mother care the house has been falling apart but I'm afraid to do anything to fix things because it would be so expensive not to mention I wouldn't know where to begin.

I have some supportive friends but feel isolated.  Everyone will ask first how my mom  is doing then maybe ask how I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I appriciate that they care.  They always comment on what a saint I am but I don't feel like it.  I reply that she has taken care of me most of my life, and I wouldn't change a thing.  I just get so scared of the unknown future I don't know how to press on like I use to.  I miss my old life but don't know if I could return to it.  I am lost and have no direction. I am so very, very tired. I don't know if anyone will even read this. I feel that am just venting.  I haven't been able to find anyone who is quite in this same situtation.   Is there anyone out there?