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Topic : Overcoming Grief

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

 
gail1957
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June 21, 2008, 6:25 pm PDT

TRYING TO OVERCOME

  I am 50 years old. Twenty three  years ago I had to say enough was enough and have the live support turned off of my four year old son.  I know that it was the right thing to do, but as long as it was on there was the illusion of life.  Four years later my marriage to my children's father ended.  It was by my choice, being together was killing us both.  I had come back from the black hole of depression and suicide once and he was taking me down that road again and I could not go.  My son had that right to have at least one parent that was stable and a home that depression did not rule.  Two years late I met and married the love of my life.  Once again my happiness was only a fleeting thing.  We had 16 wonderful years together.  We were more in love with each other the day he died than when we married.  We went on vacation to see our kids(his & mine) and two days before we were to come home he literally dropped dead.  That was in Sept. of 2006 and I still have to convince myself that he is gone.  Now I have a life I did not ask for and do not want.  All I can do is live my life and make the 2 of them proud of me and be the best person I can be.  My heart aches for both of them. I know that they would not want me to grieve for them and some days I swear I hear my husbands voice telling me it is going to be ok. To the world I have only one child and I am a widow. To me I am the mother of 2 wonderful boys and  I am still married to and in love with my husband.  I don't think about the future.    I am still on that grieving roller coast some days are far better than ohers.  I just try live each day as it comes, knowing that the day will come when I will once again find a purpose for my life and my future will be clear to me.  

 
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nearby
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June 30, 2008, 10:33 am PDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: unicorn5000

Hi. Okay here it goes...I need some one to tellme the truth about  this situation and whether I should just let it go or look into it!!! SERIOUSLY!

Okay back on April 8th 2007 my father passed away of (what they say is ) a massive heart attack, he was 72 yrs. old and the Friday before that he was in the hospital for "chest pains" we were told that they (the doctors) ran every typeof test and he was admitted over night for observation on Sat. Morning he was released and he was told that he had heart burn and go home relax and take some anti acid pills which he did.

I took medical in College and I though to myself that, that did not sound right but my father refused to go back to the hospital on my "feeling" he was set in his ways and so I just let that go. And then on Sunday April 8th at 4:36 p.m. I got a phone call from my mom and she was following the ambulance to the hospital and when I arrived ( I was first to get there) I was told  "oh, your father is being worked on" I come to find out while we were waiting that the Doctor working on my father was a doctor that was known for misdiagnoses and he even misdiagnosis me once and i ended up int hte hospital for a night due to "wrong medication" .

This so-called doctor is legally blind and the nurses at our hometown hospital have said this also, when he came around to tell us the news aboutmy dad......he put his head in the door and said "Oh he's dead" and walked away!!!! I wanted to run after him and smack him stupid but for my mom I never did I just sat there and was in shock when my sister and brother arrived the first my sister said was "what was FRiday night about" and then the same doctor came back into the room 4 count them 4 different times to make sure we knew he was not the doctor that released him on Sat. I mean really 4 times we were grieiveng and he was covering his a_ _!!! Seriously I wanted to look at my dads chart because I would know what it was saying I knew he was suppose to have a enzyme count done twice once when he got there and then again 6 hours later on Friday to make sure it was not a heart attack and I NEVER did anything!

I went to my dad funneral and the reception and to this day I can NOT forgive myself for not looking into this. Ever time I go to the cementary I wonder if I could have helped my dad and maybe got this doctor fired and had his licience taken away....Ironically the same doctor retired on May 2 of this year  just  one year later and I have several times avoided our home town hospital becasue os this quack.

I need some one to tell me if I should pursue this or just let it go! I know it will not bring my dad back but maybe just maybe I would stir up enough crap to make other people wonder if this doctor misdiagnosed their loved ones also.


PLEASE DR.PHIL TELLME WHERE I GO FROM HERE I CAN NOT LET MY FATHER REST UNTIL I FEEL I HAVE DONE SOMETHING OR MAYBE I SHOULD DO NOTHING!!!!!

Seriously concerned about our hospital staff!
Unicorn

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do but I will share my thoughts with you and maybe it will help you sort things out.

 

It is hard when we realize the people we trust are not trustworthy. The good news is the doctor you are concerned about is no longer practicing. So, in my mind, the number one concern, that he can no longer hurt anyone else, is taken care of. So to continue to pursue the wrong done is more an effort to help you feel better. I can almost guarantee that you won't feel better. You may also want to ask yourself how much you are willing to spend since laywers will be involved. Finally, and probably most importantly, do you really want to continue looking back? It is so hard to change the past (you can't can you?) and really you should start looking ahead to what life has for you and your loved ones now.

 

I know it is a hard decision but just be sure you are not using your concern as an excuse to not move forward. You may want to seek out a grief counselor to help you further.
 
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June 30, 2008, 11:09 am PDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: hurtandheal

My grandmother who was like my mum, passed away from Parkinson's disease almost 5 years ago.  My aunts, uncles and other family members were not very supportive.  One of them asked me to tell her it is ok to let go, others talked about calling the funeral home while she was dying, others were discussing redocorating their kitchen.  I had to make the tough calls, stopping the forced feeding (which is when they shove food down your throat and hope you can swallow it, if not they suction it out of your lungs).  My grandma had a DNR and a No Extraordinary Measures order.  I was the closest to her, was raised by her, and the rest of them thought because I loved her most I should make the decisions.  The staff explained I wasn't extending her life, I was delaying her death by allowing her to go through this for so long.  My family recently admitted they resent my decision and that she could have lived a few more months (tortured 3-5 times a day).  She was in agony, suffering, I couldn't do it.  I did everything possible, I was the one who sat there and had to refuse the force feedings for two weeks (from morning to night), clean her mouth of blood from when they did do it and her lips and tongue bled.  I did feed her ice chips, we tried popcycles, and other things, but she just choked on it because she could no longer swollow. 

 

I sat in her bed with her, read to her, did her nails and hair, rubbed her down with lotion and did everything I could, but it wasn't enough.  I lived 900 miles away and saw her more than anyone else in my family, who all live within 20 minutes.  The staff at her nursing home were true Angels, they prayed for me the day grandma passed that I would be ok and that it would be quick. 

 

My question is now what?  I'll always doubt my actions, feel orphaned by my own family and never be forgiven.  Any advice or someone who has a similar story?

It is clear that your grandmother was very special to you which is why it is easy to second guess yourself. Wondering if you did the right thing is a normal response when you are grieving. The question is answered, however, with the DNR. Her body was already shutting down which is why she couldn't tolerate food.

 

As far as the relatives, the ones that feel the most guilty will be the most busy pointing fingers. Knowing that you loved her and did all you could should comfort you now. If your family doesn't agree that will be their problem. I would look to friends and neighbors to be your support network now.

 

Your goal is to move forward and be happy and productive. That is what your grandmother would want for you.  God bless.
 
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sprtrdr6
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July 5, 2008, 9:56 am PDT

Square one agian?

Quote From: hurtandheal

I know how you feel.  I went to grief counseling soon after my grandma died.  But recent events have me back at square one.  I think we have to take comfort that they are still with us and don't want us to hurt.  We will see them again.  I understand the holes in your heart and soul, and I can't tell you how to heal except that value those who love you now.  Be remembered by love not grief.  I hide mine from most people, I want to be remembered as a strong person who loved fiercely and was loyal.  Isn't that the best testamonial you can give to the loved ones you loose?
I lost both my parents and my Grandpa all in a 2 years time frame. Depression set in and I had to hit rock bottom before I could even think of coping. Yep I said coping that is about all you can do at that point until you learn to live with out them. I miss my mom and dad oh so much and your right when you deal with another loss it feels like you are back at square one but your not. Have faith that you have come a few steps through the years. My pastor died a month ago and I though great here we go back to square one and I had a very close friend tell me no you can never go back there you have been there and know what it looks like. She was right it hurt I was angry and I sure missed my mom and dad but this friend was right I was not willing to visit square one again so I didn't. Always tell your self they are there. The hardest part for me was both my parents died of cancer my mom at age 44 and my dad at age 50 so I am still raising my family but as I said before I miss them like crazy EVERYDAY but I amnot willing to go back down becuase my kids need me. Hang in there! I can say from going through it set your mind to living life as though they are watching and it makes you think about what they would say as if they are still here.
 
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colt_66
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July 10, 2008, 5:05 am PDT

A Family Death

It will be 1yr on the 11th of july since my brother died, I never grived fer him after it happened and I don't know if I ever will.I'm showing anger cause he knew something was wrong but never did anything about it, his wife is a registered nurse and didn't do anything to help him out, Ill be going to his grave site friday, but I was never really close to my brother and I think that's why I haven't had any grief over him. are family is still in shock about it, it don't seem real. I figure someday it might hit me that he is really gone but fer now I don't feel anything, so I guess that makes me a bad person cause I don't have any feelings over my dead brother. the rest of my family had more emotions over his death then I did, but I'm mentally unstable anyway so that is probably why I can't feel emotions over someone dying, even if it was family.   colt66
 
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squishy_cherry
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July 16, 2008, 4:28 pm PDT

Loss of a mother

I'm carolynn. My sister allowed me to write on here, so i am.

 

Well, it was only two years ago now, when i had lost my mom. I was 13. It was on thanksgiving morning when i had found her laying on the couch. My friend Emily was over that night. I had fought with my mom all day and she stuck to her answer allll day. NO. Finally she gave in. Thank god. If emily wasnt there that morning i really dont know what i would've done.

I swear that she knew it was her time.  When i went to bed that night she was in her night gown. When i found her, she was in her black favorite pants, her blouse that i had givin her for her birthday a few short months before hand. She had the blankets pulled up to her waste with her legs crossed and her hands put together as if someone at the funeral parler would have.

My best friend Victor at the time, had come over and helped me out. He had also lost a mother that day as well. My mom was just like his own.

Not only did i lose my Mom that day, I had lost my best friend.  And still to this day i miss her and still blame myself for this. Even though i know its not my fault. No matter how much councilling i get or how much i talk about it or even write her or anything, it still doesnt get easier. My days still end with the what if she was here.

Over time i garentee it will get easier, but for now im still pulling myself together and trying to live my life like a normal teenager,
 
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ceecee1058
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July 22, 2008, 8:49 pm PDT

LOSS OF A GREAT LEADER

IT HAS BEEN ONE YEAR SINCE MY PASTOR OF 21 YEARS PASSED AWAY. SHE WAS SUCH A GREAT SPIRITUAL WOMAN AND A FRIEND. HER DEATH HAS REALLY ROCKED OUR CHURCH FAMILY. SOME OF US A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN OTHERS. THERE ARE THREE OF US WHO TALK ABOUT HER DAILY ON CONFERENCE CALLS. WE STILL CRY AND WATCH VIDEOS OF HER SERMONS. PEOPLE BELEIVE THAT IF  YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN YOU SHOULD NEVER BE DEPRESSED OR DOWN AND HAVE MADE ATTEMPTS TO HAVE US PUT HER DEATH OUT OF OUR MINDS AND MOVE ON. THERE ARE SOOOOOO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS THAT I FEEL ARE THE REASONS THAT WE CANT MOVE ON. WE HAVE EVEN LOST OTHER FRIENDS AND FAMILY SINCE THEN AND GOT THRU IT. BUT FOR SOME REASON HER DEATH HAS PLAGUED US AND BECOME A DAILY HAUNTING TO THE POINT WE CANT GET THRU A DAY WITHOUT TOTALLY DISCUSSING THE EVENTS AROUND HER DEATH. SHE WAS ILL FOR A GOOD WHILE BEFORE SHE DIED AND WE NEVER KNEW EXACTLY WHAT KILLED HER. SHE COULD SEE US BUT COULD NOT SPEAK TO US.ONE OF US SHE STARED AT AND TRIED TO MOVE HER MOUTH AS TO TELL HIM SOMETHING BUT COULDNT. SHE WOULD CRY WHEN HE WENT AWAY. DR. PHIL, WHAT CAN WE DO TO GET PAST THIS? DO YOU THINK SHE IS TRYING TO SEND US A MESSAGE OF SOME SORT?  OR DO YOU THINK WE ARE CRAZY AND JUST DRAGGING OUT  OUR GRIEVING PROCESS? WE ARE CHRISTIANS SO WE DO PRAY . WE  CANT GO TO THE ELDERS OF OUR CHURCH BECAUSE THEY THINK WE ARE CRAZY FOR STILL TALKING ABOUT HER AND HAVE SUGGESTED WE LEAVE THERE IF WE CANT GO ON WITHOUT HER...SO I DID.  I WATCH YOUR SHOW DAILY AND HAVE SEEN YOU AND BISHOP JAKES CORNER AND SOLVE SOME BIG ISSUES. WELL HERE IS A SPIRITUAL ONE....CAN YOU HELP US? GOD BLESS
 
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housewife52
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July 27, 2008, 2:47 pm PDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: ceecee1058

IT HAS BEEN ONE YEAR SINCE MY PASTOR OF 21 YEARS PASSED AWAY. SHE WAS SUCH A GREAT SPIRITUAL WOMAN AND A FRIEND. HER DEATH HAS REALLY ROCKED OUR CHURCH FAMILY. SOME OF US A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN OTHERS. THERE ARE THREE OF US WHO TALK ABOUT HER DAILY ON CONFERENCE CALLS. WE STILL CRY AND WATCH VIDEOS OF HER SERMONS. PEOPLE BELEIVE THAT IF  YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN YOU SHOULD NEVER BE DEPRESSED OR DOWN AND HAVE MADE ATTEMPTS TO HAVE US PUT HER DEATH OUT OF OUR MINDS AND MOVE ON. THERE ARE SOOOOOO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS THAT I FEEL ARE THE REASONS THAT WE CANT MOVE ON. WE HAVE EVEN LOST OTHER FRIENDS AND FAMILY SINCE THEN AND GOT THRU IT. BUT FOR SOME REASON HER DEATH HAS PLAGUED US AND BECOME A DAILY HAUNTING TO THE POINT WE CANT GET THRU A DAY WITHOUT TOTALLY DISCUSSING THE EVENTS AROUND HER DEATH. SHE WAS ILL FOR A GOOD WHILE BEFORE SHE DIED AND WE NEVER KNEW EXACTLY WHAT KILLED HER. SHE COULD SEE US BUT COULD NOT SPEAK TO US.ONE OF US SHE STARED AT AND TRIED TO MOVE HER MOUTH AS TO TELL HIM SOMETHING BUT COULDNT. SHE WOULD CRY WHEN HE WENT AWAY. DR. PHIL, WHAT CAN WE DO TO GET PAST THIS? DO YOU THINK SHE IS TRYING TO SEND US A MESSAGE OF SOME SORT?  OR DO YOU THINK WE ARE CRAZY AND JUST DRAGGING OUT  OUR GRIEVING PROCESS? WE ARE CHRISTIANS SO WE DO PRAY . WE  CANT GO TO THE ELDERS OF OUR CHURCH BECAUSE THEY THINK WE ARE CRAZY FOR STILL TALKING ABOUT HER AND HAVE SUGGESTED WE LEAVE THERE IF WE CANT GO ON WITHOUT HER...SO I DID.  I WATCH YOUR SHOW DAILY AND HAVE SEEN YOU AND BISHOP JAKES CORNER AND SOLVE SOME BIG ISSUES. WELL HERE IS A SPIRITUAL ONE....CAN YOU HELP US? GOD BLESS
I understand what you're talking about. I lost both my parents in 2006, 2 1/2 months apart. For the longest time, and even still, all I could think about was the immediate time surrounding thier deaths. Maybe if ya'll get together and discuss the past 21 years before she died it could help alleviate some of the pain I don't think that anyone ever fully gets over the death of someone close, but time does help dull the pain. For me, even now I have bad days when I think of my parents. And all of my memories with them, mainly my dad, are not good. But like Maya Angelou says, "No matter what kind of relationship you have with your parent, you will miss them when they are gone."  I don't think you're crazy for still talking about her. (My grandmother died in 1988, and still sometimes we talk of her. And I still miss her.) Try to remember all of the good your pastor accomplished and how she made a difference in everyone's lives. Create some sort of a scholarship or something like that in her name, so that she can still make a difference in a way even though she is no longer here.
 
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ceecee1058
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July 28, 2008, 8:45 pm PDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: housewife52

I understand what you're talking about. I lost both my parents in 2006, 2 1/2 months apart. For the longest time, and even still, all I could think about was the immediate time surrounding thier deaths. Maybe if ya'll get together and discuss the past 21 years before she died it could help alleviate some of the pain I don't think that anyone ever fully gets over the death of someone close, but time does help dull the pain. For me, even now I have bad days when I think of my parents. And all of my memories with them, mainly my dad, are not good. But like Maya Angelou says, "No matter what kind of relationship you have with your parent, you will miss them when they are gone."  I don't think you're crazy for still talking about her. (My grandmother died in 1988, and still sometimes we talk of her. And I still miss her.) Try to remember all of the good your pastor accomplished and how she made a difference in everyone's lives. Create some sort of a scholarship or something like that in her name, so that she can still make a difference in a way even though she is no longer here.
thank you for responding and giving insight to my issues even though your loss is greater.  i pray that evry day your pain is lessened and replaced with fond memories of your lives together. god bless you and keep you is my prayer.
 
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spiritruka
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July 30, 2008, 2:15 pm PDT

overcoming grief

I'm trying to overcome grief too, it's the loss of a child, not in the conventional sense.  My son became involved with a girl with a very hard past, she began to neglect/possibly abuse my grandbaby, and when I confronted her said I would never see the babies again.  My worst nightmare come true.  I debated for months and finally called DCF.  I didn't feel I had a choice, knowing about it and not reporting it are not right.  I feel she leaves my son little choices on what he can do, she uses harm of the kids to manipulate him, so he is lost to me.  It hurts so bad I feel like disappearing.  I'm going to counseling.  Part of my grief is because there was sexual abuse in my family, I had a very hard childhood, tried to find love and just got pregnant at 17, however, I gave that baby away so she would be safe, and this feels very much like that.  I was punished by my ex husband (my son's dad) and treated very badly.  I'm just coming around myself to finally getting help for PTSD, dissociation disorder and life long depression.  There's no getting past this though, as I now have two grandbabies, and I feel like it's too late, that if my son ever did (which I can't see) try to reconcile with me I would have to say no because I feel like I have to set boundaries on people who hurt me this much.  So, it feels like he died.  I do alot of work in coping.org, and go through alot of pain and get a little better all the time, but I don't think I can ever reconcile my mind to this.  I journal all the time.  I guess I was hoping someone could tell me that life got better for them, even though they never saw, you know, the core of their heart again.  It's so hard. 
 
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