Message Boards

Topic : Overcoming Grief

Number of Replies: 1337
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

May 4, 2009, 9:30 am CDT

How do I prepare my parents for my death

I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia on January 18, 2008.  I have always been a pretty healthy person and I guess anyone would be surprised if they got the same news.

 

This type of cancer is supposed to be very slow growing and usually is found in people over 65.  Well that’s not me.  I am 46 and have gone from stage 1 to stage 4 in about a year.  I am on my third round of chemo and I don’t think it is working.  I am very connected with my body and I just feel it.

 

Parents aren’t supposed to bury their kids and I know it happens all the time.  But what do you say?  Do I keep up my positive outlook which I have 99% of the time or do I show weakness?  My role in my family is “the strong one” and I have always been the “go to girl” when my husband, family or friends have problems.  But who can I go too?  I am having a hard asking for help or even showing I need help. My husband is wonderful but he is pain for me as well and isn’t sure what to do. 

 

Please help me

 
May 5, 2009, 8:00 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: qcgang4748

its been three years, since i last spoke to my mom! i miss her hugs and kisses! i miss talking to her! or even her silly laughter. i lost my mom due to a heart attack and stroke. my mom was a single parent. and i am an only child. she left me on Dec. 11, 2006. i'm married with three kids. i feel like i'm a single parent. my husband is always on the road for work. he's a welder/pipefitter. we have three kids 2 boys and one beautiful little girl. my mom was my friend, my sister, and especially my MOM! i miss her a great deal. i'm still going through a lot with my middle son, i have gone to several therapist, with my son, and still having problems with him in school and at home. the therapist that we have seen and talked to say that he hasnt grieved or doesnt know how to grieve. i dont know how to help my son. my kids and i are all still feeling the pain and the loss of my mom. at times i dont know what to do. i feel lost at times, where i have thoughts .....terrible thoughts. of just leaving this earth and just walking away at times. and it scares me! i feel lost and i'm walking on egg shells. i go to my room and take a shower and cry, because it just hurts so much! and i dont know if it'll get better or if i'll get better. and it scares me! thank you for letting me vent!  
Hello, and sorry to hear of your loss. I understand exactly what you are going through, I lost my mom February 16, 2007, and when she first passed I seemed to be handling it better than everyone in the family outwardly anyway, but on the inside I was hurting and kinda in a state of denial, I knew she had passed but I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that she was gone, than I went through a stage where I was blaming my family for causing my mother to much stress and I felt like they caused her to get sick and develop cancer, because it is said that to much stress can cause sickness, I go through stages where I feel all along, sad, depressed, empty, all sorts of things, and I wonder how long it will be before it gets better, my mom was the most important person to me in the world, and the biggest loss I could ever experience outside of losing God because I don't have children. I to thank God for the oppurtunity for sites like this so that I can just let it all out, instead of keeping it in.     
 
May 9, 2009, 9:45 pm CDT

how do I get past loosing my grand mother

My grand mother Bonnie March Cassida born 3/ 17/ 1915 was an amazing woman  .  She raised 4 kids on her own, after becomming a widow in 1953 ,  @ the age of 38 she taught her self how to drive, got  a job @ a manufactoring plant where she quickly became a supervisor .    Even when her kids were adults themselves , married with kids of their own , she still worked full time,  she was a comitted godly woman ,  she was always @ any events that her grand kids had going on , she was  a member of the Lions Club,   she was an advide gardner , traveler .   My grand mother retired a couple of times, only  start another project .   Then @ the age of 82 she finally retired to her home to enjoy the fruits of her labor  , even tho she had retired from the work world,   my grand mother was still incredibly active   ,   she traveled all of the US , even going to Canada and Novascoshia , every time she traveled to a different state she would always bring a knick nack back ,  she was always taking pictures  & had  photo albums after photo albums of every state that she had visited .  My grand mother was active well up to her 90's  , then in  2005  my gand mother had to be put into a nursing home by my aunt after suffering a  head injury .  From there my grand mother's health went down hill ,  my aunt  as well as my other aunt and my uncle comitted childran that they were, took care of my grand mother and made sure that her every need was met . Then in Sept 2008   my uncle passed away due to suffering a massive heart attack  , from there  my other two aunts  comitte their selves even more to my grand mother .  Then  a coule of months ago my aunt Jane had my grand mother moved from the current nursing home she was @ and had her tranfered to a nursing home closer to where she lived , after my grand mother was moved, her health seemed to inprove but the improvement did not last long  , from there my grand mother's health went up and down . Then finally this past Monday after noon  May 4th 2009 my mom got a call from aunt , stating that my grand mother's blood pressure was extremely low and that she had not eaten in 3 days . My aunt said that my mom and I might want to come out to the nursing home to see her .  My mom & I did visit with my grand mother this past Monday evening,   her throat was swollen so she could not eat any thing,   her breathing was very labored and every breath that she took , looked to be as tho it would be her last .  My mom & I sat down beside her and held each one of her hands , I caressed her face and whispered in her ear  " memaw I love you "     my mom and I did not stay long because it was just too hard to watch my grand mother struggling to breath .  Then arround  5am Tuesday morning  my grand mother's breathing changed , my aunt knew then that my grand mother was @ the end ,  my aunt and the nurse pushed the empty bed in my grand mother's room over to my grand mother's bed,  then my aunt Jane got into the bed with my grand mother  and held her like you hold a child  ,  my aunt held her like this for a while -  then arround  7-8 am my grand mother took her last breath , as my aunt held her in her arms  with my aunt stating  " momma its ok " . 

 

I did not get the news of my grand mother's passing until later on tuesday afternoon  .  All a sudden it hit me ,  now my bestfriend , my mentor  & my spiritual advisor is now gone  .  I knew when my grand mother  turned  94  this past  St. Patricks day, that  it was going to be her las birthday , but when she finally passed away ( even tho she went very peacefully )  I was not prepared at all for it to hurt this much .  Now I do not know about everyone else and how your relationship is with your grand mother but my grand mother & I were extremely close  ,  my grand mother was like a 2nd mother to  me , I spent the first 10 yrs of my life mostly with my grand mother  .    Even as a teenager we were very very close , she was always there for me , she never judged me  .   My grand mother was the glue to my family , she was the queen of my famiy and was the one that made the family go round  .  My family was for ever changed when my grand mother had to be put in a nursing home , simply because my aunt Jane could not care for her on her own - now that my grand mother has gone on to be the lord , once again my family is changed for ever .   

 

 

 B. M. C

1915- 2009

 

Beloved  wife/ mother/ grand mother / great grand mother & great great grand mother

 

The most wisest , most sweetest, loving , amazing godlyest woman I've ever had to pleasure of knowing .     I love you memaw & I will miss you - I hope you are dancing with Jesus !!!!

 
May 14, 2009, 12:59 pm CDT

Hi .

Quote From: elainelive

I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia on January 18, 2008.  I have always been a pretty healthy person and I guess anyone would be surprised if they got the same news.

 

This type of cancer is supposed to be very slow growing and usually is found in people over 65.  Well thats not me.  I am 46 and have gone from stage 1 to stage 4 in about a year.  I am on my third round of chemo and I dont think it is working.  I am very connected with my body and I just feel it.

 

Parents arent supposed to bury their kids and I know it happens all the time.  But what do you say?  Do I keep up my positive outlook which I have 99% of the time or do I show weakness?  My role in my family is the strong one and I have always been the go to girl when my husband, family or friends have problems.  But who can I go too?  I am having a hard asking for help or even showing I need help. My husband is wonderful but he is pain for me as well and isnt sure what to do. 

 

Please help me

I would first like to say I am so sorry you have been diagnosed with this. :(  I can't imagine what you must feel physically and mentally but I would like to take a moment just to let you know that someone out here in cyberland has read your post and is sending you much needed prayers.

I would think, it would be easier on those that love and care about you, to see that you are emotionally ok. If you are not, then do not pretend. Even though pretending might be what comes to at first, I would want my sister or someone I loved, to just be who they are. I don't think anyone can expect anything else.

I don't think we are ever prepared to face our death, whether it comes suddenly, or slowly or any other way. But we all know that is what is going to happen to us all. Maybe its a way for those around you to get in touch with the truth behind their wishes, dreams, fears. Maybe through this whole thing, will be a reminder to make each day count, be real, don't harm self or others, love and be compassionate to everyone because we all suffer in some way, in some shape, in some form. 

I want to say things to you that I would want to hear for myself if I should ever have to face my death and the only thing I can come up is : be who you are. This is all anyone can ask of anyone at anytime in our lives; whether it is a short one or one that goes on for a hundred years.

If you have always been a "to to girl", then if that is how you want to live your life, then continue to be that girl. If you feel you want to slow it down and get a little more real about things, now is your chance. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are not alone. YOu are never alone. Know that. May the sun shine on you and give you peace in your heart and may the sun shine on those that love you, that they can be real themselves and not live in fear of something that we all know,is one day, the inevitable.

Love,
Kim
 
June 15, 2009, 10:05 pm CDT

Grief when a parent dies

My father passed away May 29, he was found in his apartment May 31, 2009.  I didn't have a close relationship with my father up until about 1 yr ago when I helped my sister to take care of him.  I have mixed emotions around his death.  He told me for the first time in many, many years, three days before his death that he loved me.

I left my husband of 25 years July 2006, he is an alchoholic and was emotionally unavailable.  I got into a relationship with a man 7mths later who was also emotionally unavailable, and emotionally abusive, that relationship lasted 7mths.  I was single for about 5mths then got involved again.  That was Feb 08.  I knew this man was not someone that I was going to be in a long term relationship.  He told me 5 days after my fathers death that he was going away for a week, which was a planned trip, but told me that he had met another women early May and that he didn't think anything would come of the online communication because she was married, but she had left her husband that morning and that she was meeting him at his trip location.  He said I told you I would never cheat on you but Iam calling to let you know that it is going to happen.  I was grieving the loss of my father, my boyfriends emotional abandement.  I later saw my ex-husband that evening, who expressed his condolence of my fathers death, then in his alcohol induced, liquid couraged state of mind decided it was a good time to profess his love and hate for me.  I was an emotional mess that evening.  Why was it all of a sudden, all about him????

It has been two weeks since my fathers death and the fast track down in the pits of wondering which way is up,  that Iam unable to work,  one minute I will be ok the next minute I am crying.  I don't know which situtation I am grieving.  Anyone out there have any advise.  I keep chooseing men that are emotionally unavailable.

 
June 17, 2009, 1:15 pm CDT

Hi.

Quote From: kab0307

My father passed away May 29, he was found in his apartment May 31, 2009.  I didn't have a close relationship with my father up until about 1 yr ago when I helped my sister to take care of him.  I have mixed emotions around his death.  He told me for the first time in many, many years, three days before his death that he loved me.

I left my husband of 25 years July 2006, he is an alchoholic and was emotionally unavailable.  I got into a relationship with a man 7mths later who was also emotionally unavailable, and emotionally abusive, that relationship lasted 7mths.  I was single for about 5mths then got involved again.  That was Feb 08.  I knew this man was not someone that I was going to be in a long term relationship.  He told me 5 days after my fathers death that he was going away for a week, which was a planned trip, but told me that he had met another women early May and that he didn't think anything would come of the online communication because she was married, but she had left her husband that morning and that she was meeting him at his trip location.  He said I told you I would never cheat on you but Iam calling to let you know that it is going to happen.  I was grieving the loss of my father, my boyfriends emotional abandement.  I later saw my ex-husband that evening, who expressed his condolence of my fathers death, then in his alcohol induced, liquid couraged state of mind decided it was a good time to profess his love and hate for me.  I was an emotional mess that evening.  Why was it all of a sudden, all about him????

It has been two weeks since my fathers death and the fast track down in the pits of wondering which way is up,  that Iam unable to work,  one minute I will be ok the next minute I am crying.  I don't know which situtation I am grieving.  Anyone out there have any advise.  I keep chooseing men that are emotionally unavailable.

I am at work now and can't write too much but I will later this evening. I hope to be able to offer you words of hope during this very difficult time in your life. I will keep you and  your dad in my prayers. Kimi
 
June 17, 2009, 5:36 pm CDT

I am so sorry for your loss.

Quote From: kab0307

My father passed away May 29, he was found in his apartment May 31, 2009.  I didn't have a close relationship with my father up until about 1 yr ago when I helped my sister to take care of him.  I have mixed emotions around his death.  He told me for the first time in many, many years, three days before his death that he loved me.

I left my husband of 25 years July 2006, he is an alchoholic and was emotionally unavailable.  I got into a relationship with a man 7mths later who was also emotionally unavailable, and emotionally abusive, that relationship lasted 7mths.  I was single for about 5mths then got involved again.  That was Feb 08.  I knew this man was not someone that I was going to be in a long term relationship.  He told me 5 days after my fathers death that he was going away for a week, which was a planned trip, but told me that he had met another women early May and that he didn't think anything would come of the online communication because she was married, but she had left her husband that morning and that she was meeting him at his trip location.  He said I told you I would never cheat on you but Iam calling to let you know that it is going to happen.  I was grieving the loss of my father, my boyfriends emotional abandement.  I later saw my ex-husband that evening, who expressed his condolence of my fathers death, then in his alcohol induced, liquid couraged state of mind decided it was a good time to profess his love and hate for me.  I was an emotional mess that evening.  Why was it all of a sudden, all about him????

It has been two weeks since my fathers death and the fast track down in the pits of wondering which way is up,  that Iam unable to work,  one minute I will be ok the next minute I am crying.  I don't know which situtation I am grieving.  Anyone out there have any advise.  I keep chooseing men that are emotionally unavailable.

Let that be said. I lost my mom march, two years ago. Feels like it just happend 10 minutes ago. The acceptance of her void becomes more real in time, but the longing for her seems to grow stronger. It is by far gut wrenching to lose a parent. I am sorry for your loss.

 

My dad never said he loved me either, until one time he did, and I knew it was difficult for him, I was 35 and needed his love more then anything, but he didn't have it for me, or didn't show it. I needed him to tell me so often, that I learned how not to live with it and all it seemed to bring into my life was men that would also not be able to say they love me.......or say it in ways that were abusive somehow. Its because we/you don't truly understand what it is to be loved, so you gamble, and you know what happens when we gamble? Most times we lose, and even if we win, we lose somehow.  Your relationships will be like that until you heal from the lack of love from him. We can justify the why's until we are blue, the fact is, we didn't get the love and nurturance that was necessary for healthy growth. Period.

 

Now we have to learn how to do it all over again. Only now, we see its more a matter of just being worthy of it, its a matter of identifying it when we do see it.  The love that we learned about was abusive and neglectful, that is what we are conditioned towards and we will be drawn to that until we spend enough time alone and see how our interractions with other people play themselves out, without committing to anyone long term because we probably picked someone that is like our dads, unable to say they love you.........

 

It has taken me two years to finally not be reminded constantly of the loss of my mom. The regrets are now just a memory and are fading into a past that I want to forget but remember because I know it holds all the secrets to who I am today.

 

Why do you keep choosing men that are emotionally unavailable? The answer is easy. Look in the mirrow. Who/ what do you see? The real question is: Why do I keep NOT choosing emotionally available men?

 
June 17, 2009, 10:43 pm CDT

Grieveing the los of a parent

Hi Kimi thanks for your words.  I do look into the mirror and know that I am a good person and beauitful.  I have put that emotional wall back up for protection and have realized that I need to hold my heart closer and the next guy that comes into my life will have to work harder to prove that he is worth my time.  I know the things that I did in the relationship that were not me and I have to remember them the next time and listen to my inner self and address the red flags and not be afraid to speak my truth.  At times in the relationship I would filter what I was thinking and feeling because I knew that he would judge me.

I am reading the book Coming Apart, Why relationships end and how to get through the ending of yours, very good book.  There are exercises at the end of the book that I am working on right now and have found them very helpful to recognize all the what's, why's and how's.  I am getting a lot from this book and will keep working on myself so that maybe one day I can have a "partner" in my life.  Thanks again  

 
June 18, 2009, 2:48 am CDT

Thats good news.

Quote From: kab0307

Hi Kimi thanks for your words.  I do look into the mirror and know that I am a good person and beauitful.  I have put that emotional wall back up for protection and have realized that I need to hold my heart closer and the next guy that comes into my life will have to work harder to prove that he is worth my time.  I know the things that I did in the relationship that were not me and I have to remember them the next time and listen to my inner self and address the red flags and not be afraid to speak my truth.  At times in the relationship I would filter what I was thinking and feeling because I knew that he would judge me.

I am reading the book Coming Apart, Why relationships end and how to get through the ending of yours, very good book.  There are exercises at the end of the book that I am working on right now and have found them very helpful to recognize all the what's, why's and how's.  I am getting a lot from this book and will keep working on myself so that maybe one day I can have a "partner" in my life.  Thanks again  

I am also in the throes of being single. I am 48. I have had a few good, long standing relationships here and there, but they all ended for some reason or another. I am finding that as I get older, I am less willing to settle for someone when I see potential problems ahead, and unfortunately, the older we get, the more cautious which makes it a lonely journey sometimes. I am facing spending the rest of my life alone, which I accept almost completely, but I am also continuing to go to therapy and not rush into anything just because I am lonely.

 

I have read so many books on relationships, I could start a library and they have been very helpful but what I am really finding out is it is not the other person that has the issues, but me. Due to constant reminders of how stupid I was (by my dad) and living with a mom that was depressed made me somewhat of a pessismist when it comes to relationships. I am hypersensitive to rejection (dad) and become a caregiver to the needy = co dependant (mom). but I am working on it and that is all we can do, right?

 

Now my mom and dad are both in the spirit worlds and I am alone and I am finding my wings again, the ones that were my right as a child. I am finally learning to take myself seriously and do not feel a need to be with someone, at this point, it will be a choice, and that brings with it liberation but also lots of time for introspection.  I will look into the book you suggested, as I am going away on vacation and it looks like its going to rain the whole time.....ugh......so a few books are definately in order.

 

Take care of yourself. Thanks for writting. Kimi

 
June 18, 2009, 6:29 am CDT

Announcement

Check out "Turning Point", Dr. Phil's new, official blog!

http://blog.drphil.com/
 
First | Prev | 128 | 129 | 130 | 131 | 132 | 133 | Next | Last