First of all I would like to extend my sympathy to you and your family.
I, too, have lost my spouse who was only 49. He was battling liver disease for several years, being in and out of hospitals 5 different times. I blame him and the doctors for not taking life seriously enough. He always thought he had more time than his liver was going to give him. When he found out that he wasn't going to make it based on his lifestyle he chose, he decided to give living a try. Unfortunately he couldn't predict that he would develop a hernia that needed immediate surgery because it had wrapped around his intestines in his stomach causing bile not to pass. I tried telling the doctors that his liver couldn't take too many drugs, but they didn't listen. He was actually doing pretty well in the hospital, but when the 5th day came along, he started getting dillusional. He barely recognized me and pushed me away. He then later slipped into a coma which he never came out of. For 2 weeks I sat by his bedside begging and pleading with him to wake up, but he never did. I've always wondered if he didn't want to because he thought of me as a bad wife. When the doctors finally came around to see me they told me that his organs were shutting down. That all fluids going into his body were just coming out BLACK. Obviously that is not a good sign. I, too, had to make the decision of letting the doctors give him morphine so he could go on to his next life. It wasn't too hard of a decision to make since we both had discussed these things in the past and we both didn't want to make family suffer by watching for a lengthy period of time. I re-live every day, every moment ALL the time. While I drive the car, while I'm exercising, while I'm walking, while I'm eating, while I take showers, while I dress, while I feed the dog and cat, and when I socialize, but never do I dream about it. I have been numb since he died, and the little smiles and laughs that do come out of me are totally fake. When people ask me how I'm doing I say fine, because I do so so others don't worry about me. You see, I'm the caregiver and peacemaker of the family. Besides, family and friends don't want to be with you when you can't cope and when all you do is cry and want to talk about the deceased. My problem that I am having is that I have never in my life lived by myself so this is so new to me. I have no motivation as my husband was my motivator. I walk around in circles not knowing what to do. My husband had a small life insurance policy (he didn't believe in them and he didn't know about because I took it out) that just covered his funeral and marker. The house was in his name only. He had no will. Now the house is in probate as well as everything else he owned that was in his name. I am about to be taxed 6% of the total assets that was in his name and I have to pay an attorney 3% of the assets as well for handling something that I could have done myself but was to ignorant to know. I lost my job less than 6 months after his death, so I have a lot of time on my hands to think about all the horrors we went through in the hospital. I have lots of time to think of who is to blame. I also have plenty of time to try to figure out what I'm going to do financially as the remaining mortgage needs to be refinanced and without a job I'll be forced to sell my house. I am finding that I am not healing like most people do, but I am developing an anger that is turning into rage for all the wrongs that happened to him, to me and my supposedly called "life" that I am left with. I have had thoughts of suicide as I'm worth more dead than alive at this point, but I find myself not doing this because I do have my daughter and step-daughter and my 6 grandkids with 2 more coming into the world. Only wish they were in my life more, but I'll take what I can get. It hasn't been quite 10 months for me, so I am assuming the reason why I cry more each day is because I'm just not accepting the fact that he is dead. I'm wondering when things will get better. My heart aches oh so much.
