Message Boards

Topic : Overcoming Grief

Number of Replies: 1337
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

September 27, 2005, 9:20 pm CDT

loss of my father

I am 24 and lost my father 2 weeks after my 21st b-day. We were fighting when he passed away and  I didnt get the chance to tell him that I loved him or goodbye.  It was unexpected...he died from a cocaine induced heart attack at the age of 48. He had always denied any use of drugs.  The thing that is the hardest for me is that I still for some reason  blame myself.  I know I had nothing to do with it at all but we were just starting to become close.  We had just reached that point when I could actually open up to him and talk to him about things.  I still to this day think about him everyday and I wish I could get over the fact that he is passed and move on, but I cant. I miss him so much and I've been seeing a councelor but I dont think its working..she doesnt understand, she hasnt lost one of her parents and I feel like I would get more help if I just talked with people who understand me and my emotions and what I am going through.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

 
September 29, 2005, 10:25 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief: Responce

Quote From: brandi24

I am 24 and lost my father 2 weeks after my 21st b-day. We were fighting when he passed away and  I didnt get the chance to tell him that I loved him or goodbye.  It was unexpected...he died from a cocaine induced heart attack at the age of 48. He had always denied any use of drugs.  The thing that is the hardest for me is that I still for some reason  blame myself.  I know I had nothing to do with it at all but we were just starting to become close.  We had just reached that point when I could actually open up to him and talk to him about things.  I still to this day think about him everyday and I wish I could get over the fact that he is passed and move on, but I cant. I miss him so much and I've been seeing a councelor but I dont think its working..she doesnt understand, she hasnt lost one of her parents and I feel like I would get more help if I just talked with people who understand me and my emotions and what I am going through.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Brandi- I can totally relate to what you're going through right now. I am 22 years old, and I lost my father due to AIDS in June, 2004. My parents were divorced at the age of 3, and my childhood was a complete mess. My mother was bi-polar, and also suffered from Scitizophrinia, and I lived w/ her untill the age of 7. She re-married when I was 5, and I was sexually molested by my step father. At that point, I started living w/ my father, and really looked up to him as my hero, and the person who rescued me from the bad things that were happening. Although, I felt so close to him in that aspect, growing up I was bounced around a lot, and being a sexually abused child, I definately get the attention and propper caring that I needed. My father worked graveyard shifts, and I stayed alot with my grandparents. As I teenager, the communication between my father and me pretty much went to hell. I felt as if I couldn't open up to him about anything, and he was very strict w/ me. I wasn't allowed to do very much of anything, and my father was very critical of my actions, as well, everyone eles'. When I was 13 I became very self councious about the way I looked, and about everything else in my life, and I became bulimic. I felt has if I couldn't control anything in my life, me being molested, my parents getting divorced, the way my dad acted, my mom suffering from a mental illness, but I could control my weight, and the way that I looked. And being thin was an obsession to me, and not only that, but it was something that I was in total control of, being able to binge, and purge, and having it be my little secret. Eventually my father found out, and he did get me the medical attention that I needed, and I went to counseling for years, although I never went to a treatment center. I When I was 16 my father and I loss our home, and he ended up moving in w/ his girlfriend, and told me, that he would have to find somewhere for me to. I still remember it like it was yesterday, and that was when our relationship began to fall apart. After my dad moved to another city, I began to live w/ my sister for my last year of highschool. I didn't see much of my dad, he would stop by occasionally, but it was very awkward, and I still felt as if I couldn't talk to him... When I was eighteen I began living w/ my mother, b/c there was a time in my life that I needed my family's support, and my father resented me for it. We didn't talk for 2 years, until 1 month before he died. A family member actually contacted me letting me know that my father was ill, and that I should contact him. When I first tried to contact him, he didn't want me to see him that way... I did get to see him one last time, but it was a cold conversation, and I didn't get any sort of closure from it. 4 Months later my mother died of a drug over dose... I only lived w/ my mother for a short period of time, and we were actually on bad terms of the time that she passed. For some reason I am more at peace w/ my mothers death than my fathers. I guess b/c I had a lot of hard feelings for my mother, b/c I was molested by her husband, and b/c she didn't do anything to stop it. Even though I loved her, it was definately a love/hate relationship. And at times I miss her, but b/c she was sick, and b/c she was not willing to seek help, I believe she is better off where ever she is, and I do feel some sort of closure w/ her. But I still think about my dad everyday and grieve his death just as I did when I found out. I feel sometimes that there is no one in the world that can relate to how I'm feeling, and it's a very dark, dark place. I hate feeling lost b/c he's not here, and then I can't explain why I feel that way b/c we were on bad terms and not speaking anyway. I have so many mixed emotions about it, and it's been exteremly hard to move on... Some of things that have helped me, that I can suggest to Brandi and anyone else, is try to stay positive, and talk to someone about it. Don't hold it in. Try to think of the good memories you had together, and know that their spirit is with you. And writing, getting your thoughts down on papper help get things off my chest. I was also wondering if anyone out there has any advice they can offer? Even though it's gotten easier for me, I have relaps' all the time, and I need to know how to overcome this?? I can't seek a counsler right now, b/c I don't have medical coverage, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't mind if people e mail me either... Thanks.
 
September 29, 2005, 11:28 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief: Responce

Quote From: pandora1

First of all I would like to say I am sorry for all your losses.  I had to stop reading the posts as I started crying and couldn't stop. 

  

I lost my Dad in Aug this year.  He was killed by a drunk driver.  I miss him so much I cry all the time.  For a few weeks after he was gone I thought it might be better if I went too as I felt so bad all the time.  I got fired from my job because I just couldn't go back to work(I worked there for 4 years). I am on anti depressants but they just make me numb sometimes. My daughter is angry all the time(I guess its her way of dealing with grief).  I am going to a councelor but I don't want to be a complainer so don't tell her all of what I am feeling. 

I feel like my life is so out of control.   

  

  

I'm really sorry to hear about your father. I know how hard it is, believe me. I can't even imagine losing someone to a tragic accident like that, b/c it's so unexpected. I can totally relate to what you're going through right now, b/c I too have lost my father, and my mother in 2004. The struggle to cope w/ things is still very tough, but w/ the love and support of my boyfriend, things have gotten easier. But they're still there, and sometimes I have relapses, and get very depressed. Since all of this has happened, I too have felt like my life is out of controll, and not long after my father died, I was fired from my job, b/c my performance had lowered extremeley, due to everything that was going on. I felt soooo lost, and also felt sometimes it would be better if wasn't here. But luckily my boyfriend has stood by my side and taught me to be more optimistic about things. I haven't spoke to a councelor since my parents passed away b/c I don't have medical coverage right now, so that's a big part of the reason I joined the site. To help people and give advice, and to recieve as well! If your daughter is feeling anger, maybe she should seek counceling too. I feel angry sometimes, and I don't even know who I'm angry at. Usually at that point, I'll write everything down, so I don't go crazy. And helps me release stress. Maybe that's something that can help you as well. You have to stay positive for your daughter, and when you feel down, you can always come here and get advice. You are in my prayers, and I hope you feel better.
 
September 30, 2005, 6:02 pm CDT

I lost

I lost a very important person in my life a year ago. My lover died of cancer. We were together till she took her last breath. I miss her with all my heart and soul. Somedays it is hard to go on without her but I do. She is always in my mind and my soul.
 
October 1, 2005, 12:05 am CDT

My Sister Died after Giving Birth

On August 5, 2005, my 35 year old sister died after giviing birth to her daughter. The cause of her death was a very rare condition called Amniotic Fluid Embolism. This has a very high mortality rate and happens 1 in 8,000 to 80,000 cases.  It's so rare, that it seems impossible to understand what causes it or what precautions can be done to prevent it. Basically what amniotic fliud embolism is from my understanding is when a membrane ruptures in the uterus causing the bacteria and debre from the amniotc fluid to ceep into her circulatory system and go into her lung, allowing only 10% oxygen in the lungs.. causing the lungs and heart to collapse. 

  Around her 4th or 5th month, it was detected that she had placenta previa. (which means, that the placenta was at the bottom of her uterus, not allowing the baby to be delievered vaginally.) Around the 8 th month or so, the placenta abrupted causing her to bleed. The first time she went to the hospital, the bleeding was heavy but when it stopped they sent her home. THey told her if it happened again, that she would have to stay in the hospital on bedrest until she delivered the baby. Well, a few days later she did bleed again and went back to the hospital. After staying a day or so,,,, she was discharged b/c the labor and delivery unit was full.... !!! She ended up going back again that evening b.c of more bleeding. This happened another 3 times. Anyway, to make a long story short.. the night before she delievered, she had some lite bleeding and stopped by that evening. The next morning, out of the blue, the doctors decided to do the c-section. Immediately after they got the baby out, my sister said she couldn't breath, and her eyes began to roll back. That day she went into 3 cardiac arrests b/c of the amniotic fluid embolism.. She survived 2, but the last one she didn;t survive. Leaving her 2 little daughters, 2 sisters, husband, father, etc....   Luckily her daughter survived without any complications. Thank God. However, I find myself with an overwhelming amount of sadness, grief, anger, etc. She was not only my sister but she raised me since I was a child,  because my mother had died when I was 5, and my best friend. I cry all the time. Everything reminds me of her. I don't want to forget, but I want to feel peace. I look at her to little children and cant help but think the worst for their futures. I look at her baby girl and can't help not to be angry at her and God sometimes. I know it is wrong to be angry with God, but I question why did he take her life so young , and why now, when this should be a happy time in our family.   How should I grieve, how and when do I began the healing process? Thanks for listening.  
 
October 1, 2005, 4:01 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: tiggerjns

On August 5, 2005, my 35 year old sister died after giviing birth to her daughter. The cause of her death was a very rare condition called Amniotic Fluid Embolism. This has a very high mortality rate and happens 1 in 8,000 to 80,000 cases.  It's so rare, that it seems impossible to understand what causes it or what precautions can be done to prevent it. Basically what amniotic fliud embolism is from my understanding is when a membrane ruptures in the uterus causing the bacteria and debre from the amniotc fluid to ceep into her circulatory system and go into her lung, allowing only 10% oxygen in the lungs.. causing the lungs and heart to collapse. 

  Around her 4th or 5th month, it was detected that she had placenta previa. (which means, that the placenta was at the bottom of her uterus, not allowing the baby to be delievered vaginally.) Around the 8 th month or so, the placenta abrupted causing her to bleed. The first time she went to the hospital, the bleeding was heavy but when it stopped they sent her home. THey told her if it happened again, that she would have to stay in the hospital on bedrest until she delivered the baby. Well, a few days later she did bleed again and went back to the hospital. After staying a day or so,,,, she was discharged b/c the labor and delivery unit was full.... !!! She ended up going back again that evening b.c of more bleeding. This happened another 3 times. Anyway, to make a long story short.. the night before she delievered, she had some lite bleeding and stopped by that evening. The next morning, out of the blue, the doctors decided to do the c-section. Immediately after they got the baby out, my sister said she couldn't breath, and her eyes began to roll back. That day she went into 3 cardiac arrests b/c of the amniotic fluid embolism.. She survived 2, but the last one she didn;t survive. Leaving her 2 little daughters, 2 sisters, husband, father, etc....   Luckily her daughter survived without any complications. Thank God. However, I find myself with an overwhelming amount of sadness, grief, anger, etc. She was not only my sister but she raised me since I was a child,  because my mother had died when I was 5, and my best friend. I cry all the time. Everything reminds me of her. I don't want to forget, but I want to feel peace. I look at her to little children and cant help but think the worst for their futures. I look at her baby girl and can't help not to be angry at her and God sometimes. I know it is wrong to be angry with God, but I question why did he take her life so young , and why now, when this should be a happy time in our family.   How should I grieve, how and when do I began the healing process? Thanks for listening.  
I am really sorry about your loss and in all honestly, I really don't know what to say. I do know though what it is like to lose some one, I lost my best friend two years ago and we were two peas in a pod, I went through so many emotions (and occasionally still do) and her death was unexpected and left every one numb. I wish I had photos to do this with my friend, but if you have photos, letters, cards, drawings, anything that is connected to your sister, start a scrap book focusing on her and always talk positive about your sister especially to her children, Keep your memories of her alive, I know it is hard and I wish I could say/do something that could make the pain go away, but I can't but if you keep her alive in your heart, you will make it through ok. I don't know how old her first little girl is but if she is old enough, maybe let her do a project with you, she would like this I am sure. You can draw pictures and even write a letter as if she were there, journal about your friendship/relationship with her. You may also beneifit from some good counseling as well, it does help to get emotions and thoughts out in the open. Chances are you will never really get over this death, I still think about Lisa and wish she was here, I still sometimes think it is her calling when my phone rings and sometimes I feel like I can still hear her voice, which really I don't think is a bad thing, maybe it is Gods way of letting me know that she is ok and happy and I will someday see her again as we both are christians and believe in eternal life up in heaven with our Lord., still not easy but makes me proud to have had her in my life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
October 1, 2005, 6:26 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: aussie_grl

 My mum died when I was 16.....and I do miss her.....but you know what?  She wasn't that great.  God strike me down for saying that, I know everyone else would.  But she did a lot of things that I just cannot accept as being in your children's best interests.  And somehow both my brother and I (who are on opposite sides of the country) both that mental health and drug problems.  I'm not blaming my parents, but I can't condone what they did either.

And there's the problem.  I live with the guilt that my mother was this wonderful, giving, loving person, and in many ways she was, but I kinda resent her for a lot of stuff too.  And then there's the guilt related to the fact that I was a 16 year old rebelous girl when she died and was in complete denial of the whole situation, angry at the world and specifically at her.  I never got to say I was sorry.  I never got to be her friend.  I wasn't there for her.  But she wasn't there for me either?
I understand where you are coming from but you really need to decide where you want to go from here, I would recomend getting off the frugs and seeking help for the guilt and resentmentt hat you feel. I amlearning that it isbetter to dwell on the good and not the bad for dwelling on the bad gets a person know where just more resentful, whatever. I understand, my mother was never there for me either, I was raised in foster care, in the system that failled my me and my siblings more then once, but because of my determinaton, faith in God and the will to live life differently, I am now a happily married to a wonderful husband and we have two beautiful little girls, I have an education that I am proud of and I have begun to break the cycle of the disfunctions of my family. Sure, I love my family and wish things were different, but I cannot do anything to change the past and cannot change other peoples heart and life styles, but I sure can change mine and that is exactly what I did. Not easy, but possible and worth the effort. Dwell upon the positive and get the help that you need and be a survivor and accomplish great things, Give your self a chance to grow and to to be an inspiration to those you love, you will be glad that you did, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I found it and so can you.
 
October 1, 2005, 6:29 pm CDT

sorry about all the mistakes in my last post

Quote From: jettav

I understand where you are coming from but you really need to decide where you want to go from here, I would recomend getting off the frugs and seeking help for the guilt and resentmentt hat you feel. I amlearning that it isbetter to dwell on the good and not the bad for dwelling on the bad gets a person know where just more resentful, whatever. I understand, my mother was never there for me either, I was raised in foster care, in the system that failled my me and my siblings more then once, but because of my determinaton, faith in God and the will to live life differently, I am now a happily married to a wonderful husband and we have two beautiful little girls, I have an education that I am proud of and I have begun to break the cycle of the disfunctions of my family. Sure, I love my family and wish things were different, but I cannot do anything to change the past and cannot change other peoples heart and life styles, but I sure can change mine and that is exactly what I did. Not easy, but possible and worth the effort. Dwell upon the positive and get the help that you need and be a survivor and accomplish great things, Give your self a chance to grow and to to be an inspiration to those you love, you will be glad that you did, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I found it and so can you.
meant to say drugs not frugs. LOL Hope you can read the message ok.
 
October 4, 2005, 7:37 am CDT

not sure.....

I have been going back to this board for about 2 weeks now after trying to get my log in strightened out......i read your post and am very sorry to see no one replied to your message....well i have been trying to for weeks and now am able. i can't imagine what you are going thru. i too have lost alot latetly....first my dad ...then my uncle who promised my dad he would take care of me always, and most recently my best friend since jr. high whom also became my sister - in - law after she married my brother. 

  my dad was literally my pal, i did everything with him. when he died i took over for my mom , so she wouldn't have to deal with planning his funeral, that way she could just mourn. i moved in for about a month afterwards because when my father was in the hospital he asked me to take care of mom, so she wouldn't be alone at the house.i did it without question. i packed up my husband and two daughters and stayed for a month and took care of her. The day my dad died I slept with my mother that night and just held her so she had some comfort. We were close.....but one day about 6 months after dad's death she stopped having anything to do with me......she had gotten a boyfriend and made him her life. She doesn't have anything to do with me or her grandchildren or anyone of my brothers or their children either....i asked her one day why she didn't love me anymore, and i was in tears when i asked her, and she didn't even respond...not one word came out of her mouth.....it has been14 years now and still nothing......she spends no time with me or anyone ,only her boyfriend.it has been horrible for me, then 2 1/2 years ago my Uncle died, he was my rock......and that killed me......i have been very close to my oldest brother after all this, and his wife Tracy ( my friend sinnce Jr. High ), and then Tracy died a little over a year and a half ago....and i jumped in to help my brother with their 3 children, 4, 10 and 13. My brother was out of town for work and the oldest of the three Andrew went up stairs to see why his mother didn't come down yet and all three found her dead in her bed.....the oldest blames himself for not going up earlier to check on her...and i have tried to tell him it was not his fault. She had been gone for hours.She must have died in the wee hours of the morning. No one can still to this day say why she died all they know is her heart just stopped. I helped with everything, taking time off of work to help with the kids and i helped him financially, no questions asked, and wanted nothing in return. He started seeing someone about a year ago and let this girl do whatever she wanted......she started getting involved with my daughters life, like talking to her about my brothers and hers relationship and my daughter was only 16.She interefed with my other brothers daughter by giving her alchoal, and she was only 13.and my brother let her, why i don't know.now he and my other brother do not talk anymore because of this and then I let my daughter go down over the summer to help watch his kids while he was at work. and only just found out about three months ago that the girlfriend was providing and smoking pot with her......I got mad and said something to her about it and she says that it didn't happen and if it did it is in the past and i have to get over it.She is in my brothers life and i have to accept her or i won't see my brother again. and of coarse my brother took her side and says that I have a problem. i saw my brother at ;east 2-3 times a week and now i don't see him or the kids anymore now for about 3 months......I am now mourning the loss of my brother even though he didn't die.....i am extremely hurt by this and my brother won't talk to me, does anyone feel that i did the wrong thing?my mind says yes but my heart says another thing....... 

 
October 7, 2005, 3:07 pm CDT

My Grief Can't End Until I know why it happened

Okay, i have to tell you the story of what happened first before i can tell you whats going on now. I am only 14 years old right now, but when i was 7 my grandpa died. My parents wouldn't tell me how he died for weeks i guess becuase he died 8 days before my birthday and they didn't want to upset me. Well when they finally did tell me they said that he committed suicide. I was mortified. My mom went on to tell me that he wrote a note and that a farmer had found him in his field the morning after he shot him self in the head. She asked me if i wanted to see the newspaper article. I said no. Well now 7 years later, i still don't know why he took his own life, but i am afraid to bring the subject up and bring back that grief to everyone. I really want to know what the note said, but to get to the note i would have to ask my grandma who is living on here own and is now fighting to earn money. What should i do? i don't want to upset anyone, but i would like to know what happened. It seems like my family just tries to forget about him. While i pray to him every night. ( as well as my grandma who passed away 9/11/04.) But i really need help. does anyone have advice?
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | Next | Last