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Topic : Overcoming Grief

Number of Replies: 1337
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

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October 14, 2005, 3:53 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: shawner

     Here is my story. My dad got diagnosed with throat cancer about 8 years ago. Not long after my little boy was born. I felt at the time that I could deal with everything I knew he would have to go through. As the time went on I seen him spiritually and physically getting weaker. I am a certified nursing assistant so I felt like I could really deal with it.  

     He went through the radiation, surgeries etc. But if anyone knows sometimes it is just not capable of getting all the cancer out. I spent a lot of time with him cuz I knew that there was a time when I wouldn't see him no more.  

     Over time a hospital bed was in the livingroom and my mom and I were cleaning his trache and giving him the morphine that he needed. He was quite ill on Thanksgiving Day and I asked him what he was thankful for. He looked up at me and told me what he was thankful for and then he told me. I only have one wish. I want to spend Christmas with all of you.  

    As the time came closer to Christmas I myself was praying that if he could just have his one last wish. On Christmas Eve we were all together. Of course, with the illness that he had it wasn't the happiest Christmas. We knew that he was not going to be with us much more.  

     The day after Christmas I helped him to the bed because he said he was tired. The nurse was going to be there in about an hour so I didn't think too much of it. I was sitting in the livingroom when the nurse showed up. She came out of the bedroom and said. We need the ambulance right now. My dad was taken to the hospital. Excactly where he didn't want to go. His face and neck area had swollen up so much he couldn't breathe.  

     Two days after Christmas I had to place him into the nursing home where I have worked for 14 years. It was on a cold friday morning he got admitted. It is a very wonderful nursing home. My boss let me take the time off. I was there nonstop friday and saturday. On saturday night he was laying in bed and told me to go home to get some rest and that he was ok. I went home. On Sunday morning the phone rang. My friend in which was the nurse that day called me to tell me that I needed to get there quick. All day Sunday he was in a lot of pain. I then asked the nurse to give him something to calm him down cause he was just too anxious. Around 8 p.m. he was laying there in bed with my mom and I holding his hand. From being around dying people I know when it is almost time. I looked at him holding his hand  and told him that I would take care of mom and she would be fine. I then told him that he couldn't leave me unless he kept a special spot next to him in heaven. He closed his eyes and went to heaven. I knew it would be hard to see him leave but that was the hardest thing in life I ever had to do.  

     Soon after the death of my daddy I got a divorce. I moved in with my mom to help her out and she was my support also.  

     I am still living in the same apartment where my daddy was ill. I just feel as long as I stay there Im not really leaving him.  

     The death of my father has actually killed me in a way cuz he was my whole world. I left the job where I was at though. I couldn't walk into the room where he died.  

     How do people overcome the pain and the hurt of losing someone so special. I would love to hear from anyone who could help in any way???? My email address is ssmith53589@hotmail.com or shawner_1971@yahoo.com 

check your yahoo e-mail ok.
 
October 15, 2005, 6:29 am CDT

I care!!

Quote From: halliee

not sure.....    I was wondering if anyone has any advice on my first posting, I am soooo sad as to what has been taking place, and with the holidays coming it is getting very hard to deal with, all the losses and this situation with my brother, any advice? My first post went unanswered and i am still not sure....

 halliee, 

I didn't see your posting, but don't need to see it to know you are hurting.  I hurt also. I will hurt with you and be sad with you.  Just remember that we all have choices for the way we feel.  Not just greiving but through every decision in life everyday.  I think the holidays are gong to be tough, too.  But my choice is to enjoy my children and grandchildren more than I ever have before.  My husband loved Christmas, therefore I am intended on keeping that going on year to year.  I think the hardest part for me is when I go shopping the day after thanksgiving, that was our day.  But, it might not be so bad, either.  I think when the day comes, it will be my choice as to how I make it.  Just hang in there, and I will hang in there with you.  What was your brother's name and how old was he?  (If you don't mind me asking.) 

louisman 

 
October 15, 2005, 3:50 pm CDT

Lost of father and 2 unborn children

In 1978 I had an abortion, the lost of this child haunts me today.  In 1990 I was married and pregnant with my third  child when I miscarried in my 12th week.  I became very depressed.  I thought God was punishing me for aborting my child by first child.  I aborted my first child at 12 weeks, I know that that was taking a child I wanted from me, because I took a life He gave me.  I became so depressed I neglected my 2 year old daughter.  I was crying alone in my room, my daughter was somewhere playing.  When I was crying I asked God why he took my child,  I have nothing to live for now.  The house became very quiet, and I could not hear my daughter playing anymore.  I went looking for her, I could not find her anywhere.  The doors were all locked I knew she was not outside.  Then I noticed a toy outside the fridge,  I yelled Oh my God.  I open the fridge and my daughter was facing inside the fridge not moving.  I grab her and hugged her, she took a deep breath and started crying.  I thanked God for her life, He showed me then and there what I had to live for, she was my baby safe and sound in my arms.  My grief turn to joy.  

Nine years ago I lost my father,  my mother has take up with someone new.  I cannot accept this new relationship.  I love my father and miss him very much.  I cannot let him go.  I am still grieving him.  I became pregnant wtih my fifth child, soon after my father died.  I did not truely grieve him then.  I had a preqnancy and then a child to take care of.  I always imagined that my dad was away on a trip and would sood return.  It was not until my mother started dating and then meet this new man, which soon moved in with her.  He wanted to give fatherly advice and be grandfather to my children.  NO WAY  no one could be that but my dad.  All this made me have to realize that my dad was not coming back, he was dead, not going to walk though the door.  I went into full blown grief, I cried, told my mother not to bring her new man to my house.  I hated him, even though he made my mother very happy, and she was no longer alone.  I would see her kiss him and the pain in my heart and soul was so intense I could not sleep at night.  My family was suffering, and worried about me.  My husband had losted both his parents  and I could not support him.  He was going though grief and stress too.  He was unemployed and could not provide for his family,  I was not there for him.  My children needed a mother and I could not mother them.  My husband has since gotten outside help, my oldest daughter now sees someone.  I personally can't get help, yes I take medication, counsoling I can't do right now.  I realize I must be strong now for my kids and husband when they are ok then I can seek help.   So here I am reaching out to all of you.  Grief is a terrrible pain and can be destructive if not  dealt wtih right away.  Thanks for giving me this outlet.   Many thanks from Maria O 

 
October 16, 2005, 10:30 am CDT

Lost "dad" To jail, What to tell an 8yr old?

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   SHould I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and Im sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I dont want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   PLease Help me If you can...
 
October 16, 2005, 11:10 am CDT

truth best policy

Quote From: cscutie79

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   SHould I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and Im sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I dont want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   PLease Help me If you can...
Tell her the truth.  Leave it up to her if she wants to write him.  She is 8 and knows right from wrong.  When she does sometining bad you punish her.  Explain to her that her dad did something bad and he was punished by the law of ground-ups and cannot be wtih her for awhile.  She knows he loves her, so if she still wants to stay in contact let her.  If you don't she will resent you for keeping them apart.  Keep lines of communication open.  Write a letter together to the dad so he is awhere that you are being open and honest with him, and if he truely wants to be a good dad he will appreciate it. 
 
October 16, 2005, 6:57 pm CDT

Surviving daughters suicide

I don't see many familiar names here tonight, but I've been gone for almost a year.   We have just come through the 13th anniversary of the death of our precious daughter.  This has been a hard journey, yet one made less difficult by people I met on this board in the past.  In the past three weeks, we have lost 2 young people in our neighborhood & that kind of thing always opens up old wounds.   I haven't yet taken time to read a lot of the new post, just wanted to say hi to everyone first.  I have survived these years without our daughter by receiving & giving help to others that are grieving the loss of loved ones.  My faith in God, my husband, family & church family are all very instrumental in my own survival.  This is not a road I wish for anyone to walk, but if you are walking it behind me, let my existence be a reassurance that you too can make it through.  The first few years after Heathers death, I wasn't sure I could go on.  I kept saying I wanted to meet someone that had buried their child & survived for any length of time.  Through group therapy I met many people that showed me it is possible to survive such a physical & emotional pain.   I am no authority on this process, just someone forced to go through it.  I'll check back, I will not always be this optimistic.  I'll help any of you I can & take all the help I can get from you all also.  (I just hope the board doesn't change again, it took forever for me to figure out how to get back on!) 

  

Denise 

 
October 19, 2005, 7:38 pm CDT

survivor's guilt

I am a hurricane Katrina survivor.  I had a home in Pass Christian Mississippi, a small town that has not been much in the news.  I returned from evacuating the day after the storm to find that my home had been under 30 feet of water, actually over the roof.  That day, I found my neighbor, who had returned from working in a nursing home.  She had discovered her husband and three-year old child dead in the house.  The next day, my husband and I were trying to salvage some things from my home when the coroner came to pick them up.  I asked them to check on my other neighbors, and they were found drowned in their homes too.  I lost a total of 5 people I socialized with, people I was close to.  Today, I found out that a total of 11 people in my neighborhood died in the storm.  My grief has been close to crippling.  I'm not only grieving for my home and the way we lived, but my home town has been obliterated.  It's like it was never there.   

  

I'm having a very difficult time with the way my neighbors died.  I have nightmares about the way they must have struggled, especially the baby and his father.  I have a three-year-old myself.  I know that I would have done whatever I could to protect her.  I know that Sam must have struggled to protect Mathew.   

  

How do people go on after something like this?  I just want to get through the day and be a good wife and mommy to my two girls?   

 
October 20, 2005, 1:10 am CDT

God bless you Mommyjen

Quote From: mommyjen

I am a hurricane Katrina survivor.  I had a home in Pass Christian Mississippi, a small town that has not been much in the news.  I returned from evacuating the day after the storm to find that my home had been under 30 feet of water, actually over the roof.  That day, I found my neighbor, who had returned from working in a nursing home.  She had discovered her husband and three-year old child dead in the house.  The next day, my husband and I were trying to salvage some things from my home when the coroner came to pick them up.  I asked them to check on my other neighbors, and they were found drowned in their homes too.  I lost a total of 5 people I socialized with, people I was close to.  Today, I found out that a total of 11 people in my neighborhood died in the storm.  My grief has been close to crippling.  I'm not only grieving for my home and the way we lived, but my home town has been obliterated.  It's like it was never there.   

  

I'm having a very difficult time with the way my neighbors died.  I have nightmares about the way they must have struggled, especially the baby and his father.  I have a three-year-old myself.  I know that I would have done whatever I could to protect her.  I know that Sam must have struggled to protect Mathew.   

  

How do people go on after something like this?  I just want to get through the day and be a good wife and mommy to my two girls?   

I live in north central Alabama & have heard/seen many news reports from your town. Not, of course, like the larger towns like New Orleans, but enough to see the total devastation of the area.  I hope if you have not already, you will seek counseling soon.  I know your main priority right now is getting the physical part of your family life back together, but don't forget the emotional side.  On Oprah yesterday a doctor mentioned that there will be a large increase in heart attacks & strokes among women from these areas simply due to stress. I wish I could tell you exactly what steps you need to take, but no one knows what each of you will need.  Are you & your family OK physically?  How old are your girls & how are they handling this?   

  

I lost a daughter to suicide & a house in fire, so I can somewhat understand your pain. But never can I imagine what it feels like to loose your community.  For my husband & I, it was very helpful to find a therapy group of people that had experienced similar losses.  Later I saw a therapist individually.  This board has helped me tremendously & I'd like to see you return as often as possible.  Again, finding people that have similar experiences is always helpful.  We may not have the answers, but we will listen & be here for you.  My email address is listed in my profile if you wish to communicate that way and I will keep watch for you here also. 

  

My prayers are with you & your family. 

  

Denise 

  

  

 
October 23, 2005, 9:58 am CDT

how do you overcome grief

Hi all you Dr. Phil Fans 

I am a sad but surviving mom who lost her son 5 days after his 35th birthday in 2003 and I can't get over the guilt of not giving him a happy day to take with him on his dying day.  Of course no one knows when our final day will come but I was very angry because of washing machine problems and took it out on my sons one of which died after his birthday in a 4-wheeler accident.  I live with regret every day and don't know how to forgive myself and wish I were not here to feel guilty ever day that I wake up.  I go day after day and put on a good face for the world but inside I feel I don't deserve to be here.  A mother should not have done what I did on Mike's birthday.  Does anyone feel this way?  Does anyone have any sound advice?  GOD looks out for me now and I just have to survive until it is my time and I can see my son again and tell him how sorry I am.  Thanks for reading and listening. 

Lady di in SC 

 
October 23, 2005, 11:35 pm CDT

GOOD EVENING LADY DI IN SC...

Quote From: ladydiinsc

Hi all you Dr. Phil Fans 

I am a sad but surviving mom who lost her son 5 days after his 35th birthday in 2003 and I can't get over the guilt of not giving him a happy day to take with him on his dying day.  Of course no one knows when our final day will come but I was very angry because of washing machine problems and took it out on my sons one of which died after his birthday in a 4-wheeler accident.  I live with regret every day and don't know how to forgive myself and wish I were not here to feel guilty ever day that I wake up.  I go day after day and put on a good face for the world but inside I feel I don't deserve to be here.  A mother should not have done what I did on Mike's birthday.  Does anyone feel this way?  Does anyone have any sound advice?  GOD looks out for me now and I just have to survive until it is my time and I can see my son again and tell him how sorry I am.  Thanks for reading and listening. 

Lady di in SC 

I am so very sorry that you lost your son when he was so young.  

 

Please do not feel anymore guilt over what happened on his birthday. I'm sure that he would have long forgotten what happened.  You and him had no idea what was going to happen to him did you? So, why blame yourself in any way. This was just a terrible terrible sad accident that happened and there is nothing you can do to change what happened, but what you can do is to go on with your life and remember all the wonderful good times that you had with that beautiful son of yours. 

 

Do you really think that he would want you to be upset like this? No he wouldn't!! He would want you to live your life the best way you can. He knows just how much you loved him and he loved you so much as well.  

 

Please for Mike's sake live your life and enjoy it, you are not to blame for any of this happening and believe when I say that Mike would want you to enjoy your life. I'm sure he's watching over you now and would just want to see you smile that smile that he loved!! 

 

TAKE CARE, LOVE KELLY. 

 
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