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Topic : Overcoming Grief

Number of Replies: 1337
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

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October 24, 2005, 9:41 am CDT

Can't overcome the grief

 This is my 1st time posting.  I lost my mother 8 years ago, 8/13/97, then my sister 11/9/99 and then my dad on 12/25/01.  I am so overcome I don't know where to begin.  I have no support group because they're all dead.  I am married and have a 10 yr old daughter.  My husbands father was a manic depressive so I try not to talk to him about being depressed and I feel my daughter would be better off without me because I'm always sad or mad.  It's not fair to her.

I miss my mother and sister so much it physically hurts.  I've had friends in the past that have hurt me one way or another so I try not to get involved with anyone anymore.  (I've been in friendship relationships where we have said to one another we'll always be there for each other but let me tell you blood is definitely thicker than water). 

I am depressed, lonely and scared everyday of my life and don't know what to do about it.  I want to talk to my mother and sister and it kills me that I'll never hear their voices again.  I try to force myself to be happy and sometimes it works for a day or so and then boom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I go through everyday like a robot and have to force myself to get up every morning.  I think I try to distance myself from my daughter and husband because I know if anything every happened to either of them that would be it for me. 
 
October 24, 2005, 5:07 pm CDT

A note of encouragement

Quote From: fran9959

 This is my 1st time posting.  I lost my mother 8 years ago, 8/13/97, then my sister 11/9/99 and then my dad on 12/25/01.  I am so overcome I don't know where to begin.  I have no support group because they're all dead.  I am married and have a 10 yr old daughter.  My husbands father was a manic depressive so I try not to talk to him about being depressed and I feel my daughter would be better off without me because I'm always sad or mad.  It's not fair to her.

I miss my mother and sister so much it physically hurts.  I've had friends in the past that have hurt me one way or another so I try not to get involved with anyone anymore.  (I've been in friendship relationships where we have said to one another we'll always be there for each other but let me tell you blood is definitely thicker than water). 

I am depressed, lonely and scared everyday of my life and don't know what to do about it.  I want to talk to my mother and sister and it kills me that I'll never hear their voices again.  I try to force myself to be happy and sometimes it works for a day or so and then boom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I go through everyday like a robot and have to force myself to get up every morning.  I think I try to distance myself from my daughter and husband because I know if anything every happened to either of them that would be it for me. 

Dear One, 

  

I just finished reading your message and I understand what you are saying.  You miss your mom and sister..you are hurting because of them being gone and because you have been hurt by others you don't want to hurt anymore.   

I think what I hear you saying that as a mother and a wife you are giving your love to your husband and daughter but you feel drained emotionally because you need to talk to someone who will not hurt you.  And you are very family oriented that may be why you are depressed, lonely and scared afraid there will be no one there for you. You don't want to get too close to anyone because if they go away, you have experienced great pain in the loss of those closest to you. 

  

 I want you to know that I will pray for strength for you, that you will be blessed with some really wonderful caring women to come into your life ,  someone who you can talk to, to encourage you.  In the meantime, I would be happy to message you , I have been told I am a good encourager and great listener.  So for now, hold on...there is HOPE. 

  

  

 
October 25, 2005, 11:59 am CDT

Will I ever feel the same?

Hi, this is my first time posting.  I have had a very tough year, but as I read through some of the other postings I realize that there are many of us out there.  It is nice to have a place I can go to talk to people who understand. 

  

I was in a car accident last year while I was about 3 months pregnant.  I ended up with back and neck injuries and had a ultrasound, but the baby seemed to be fine.  We were so excited to be having our first child, we waited until we were married and were completely ready.  I suffered with back and neck pain and went to many doctors and was in physical therapy.  Due to the pregnancy I was not able to take any type of drugs to help and was in constant pain.  I was limited with my job and the pain was horrible, but I was trying to preoccupy my time with the excitement of our first child.  One day in December I woke up and was in the worst pain.  I called my doctor and let her know that my back was hurting the worst it has and that there was no way of me getting comfortable.  The only comfort was a bath.  Later that evening the back pain started to turn into lower stomach pain.  I called my doctor and rushed to the emergency room.  There was no stopping the labor, she was coming way to early.  I delivered all natural and she was rushed to the NICU unit to be checked.  I was then told I could go see my new baby girl.  We wanted a girl, but did not want to spoil the surprise and never found out.  She was tiny and had to stay in the NICU unit, but my husband and I were there ever minute possible.  Things seemed to be going okay, but her lungs were not completely developed.  She was a tough little girl and the most beautiful baby I have seen (and that is not just cause she is mine-hehe).  She seem okay until one morning the doctor called us early to give us news, I knew there was something wrong and we got there as soon as possible.  She was not doing very well and he wanted us to spend her last minutes with us.  We ended up sitting in a room alone with our daughter and held her as she passed away.  At 24 I never thought I would have to plan a funeral for my daughter and to make it worse, our life insurance policy we had gotten was not going to be paid because she did not live over 14 days.  This has been a huge loss for us and have both suffered great depression as a result. I then found out that I had reoccurring chronic Mono and Parvo, which left me completely tired, achy and all together frustrated with my life.  I have been on more medications in the last year and seem more doctors than I have in my entire life.  All of these issues and some that I haven't even discussed have put a strain on myself, my marriage and finances.  

  

Sorry for the long story, but I just don't feel like I will ever be the same.  I tried to stay positive, but it just seems like one thing after another.  I know many of you have gone through situations that have left you with the same feelings I am having.  Is there hope for me? 

 
October 25, 2005, 8:57 pm CDT

Go for it

Quote From: cscutie79

 Desperately need some advice .          I am a 26yr old single mom of a very beautiful and intelligent 8 yr old. When I found out I was pregnant for her I broke up with her father because I finally saw who he was( Liar, Cheat and troublemaker). Well a couple of yrs ago he talked me into letting them meet. My daughter was quickly drawn to him but I realized he was never going to change. Shortly after he got into trouble and was placed behind bars.My Daughter didn't know him very long but she fell in love with her "dad" and now I am torn about what I should Do.  Should I let him fade like some distant memory?   SHould I tell my daughter that he is in jail???   I feel like she is happy and we have a stable home...
I never Bad mouth him...As a matter of fact I always remind her that He does love her very much and Im sure he misses her.   Do you think knowing her dad is a bad person will affect her?? Should I allow him to write or should I keep on telling my daughter that I am clueless to his whereabouts?
I dont want her to be angry at me when she gets older for not telling her, but on the same note I'm not sure if children should know that one of their parents is BAD.   PLease Help me If you can...

   Go for it  

   What I would do is write to her father ask him what you should do. Let him know that you would like him to be in his child life. Then sit down with your child tell her that your daddy is away but that he will be back someday but that you can write to him if you like. Tell her that sometimes poeple do things that they should not do and just like when I punish you for you doing wrong your daddy did wrong and is being punish. Let her know that her daddy does love her. Put the ball in her court. thing will work out. have faith that your child will work to right choices. 

 
October 26, 2005, 7:02 am CDT

Trying to Overcome

       I am 53 yrs.old and have 3 grown children.I married when I was 17.After 7 yrs. and 2 kids later I got out of the marriage.He was a very abusive man both physically and mentally, in every way imaginable.It took me such a long time to leave, because I thought no one else would want me.That had been my life's story.I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. My brother and I are twins and were not wanted,so I am assuming that carried over with me in my 1st marriage, and he never let me forget the fact that no one cared or wanted me.After I had the courage to leave, I found a job to take care of myself and my 2 children.I was determined to show them all I could and would take care of myself and my babies. Several months later I met a wonderful man.He was wonderful to my 2 children and treated them as his own. He also had 2 children the same ages of mine.We were married in Jan.1978.I had never been so happy in my life. 8 years later we had a beautiful baby girl. It wasn't planned, but it happened. Ar the time Bethany was born our girls were 13 and the boys were 15. Everyone was so happy! Billy doted on our daughter.She was daddy's girl. He always called her his golden haired angel. We were married for 20 yrs. when Bethany found him dead in our bed in Feb. of 98.She was 11 yrs. old at the time. Trying to get through all the arrangements were devastating.But time does go on.Naturally Bethany had a lot of problems dealing with all of this.But things really got bad when at 12 yrs.Bethany went into a deep depression over the loss of her dad. With counselling and medication she recovered and got on with her life. I finally remarried and soon there after realized i had made a mistake. I was so lonely I thought I was in love,not realizing I was trying to find Billy,or rather someone like him. This man had salt and pepper hair like Billy's, had the same thoughts and ideas as Billy, and wore the same size clothes as Billy.I saw so much of Billy in him it was unreal. My children did not want me to marry this man but I wouldn"t listen and went ahead and did it anyway. It is not the greatest of marriages, but we get along alright.Then a year ago Bethany was in a terrible car accident. A semi hit her from behind at a traffic light. When I got a phone call to go to her at the scene I thought my world had come to an end. I kept praying she was alive. I really don't think I could have gone through losing her. Thank God she was alive.She had to be transferred to a hospital out of town, but all I cared about at the time was she was breathing. Bethany was in a wheel chair for 3 months. she had a lot of therapy to go through but she is walking and leading a normal life again.My problem is I can't get past Billy.I still grieve and don't know how to let go. There isn't a day goes by I don't think about him.I still cry, I ask him for his help with things pertaining to Bethany, and I feel so helpless. Sometimes I feel he is talking to me , but lately I feel he is telling me he is going to take Bethany with him.Bethany is now 19, and is my life. she is all I have left of him, and we are so very close.Please, am I crazy or what ? Is this normal to still be grieving after 71/2 years? He was my soul mate and I don't know how to overcome this. I would gladly welcome ant suggestions anyone has. Thank you so much.
 
October 26, 2005, 9:34 am CDT

I care......

Quote From: louisman

 halliee, 

I didn't see your posting, but don't need to see it to know you are hurting.  I hurt also. I will hurt with you and be sad with you.  Just remember that we all have choices for the way we feel.  Not just greiving but through every decision in life everyday.  I think the holidays are gong to be tough, too.  But my choice is to enjoy my children and grandchildren more than I ever have before.  My husband loved Christmas, therefore I am intended on keeping that going on year to year.  I think the hardest part for me is when I go shopping the day after thanksgiving, that was our day.  But, it might not be so bad, either.  I think when the day comes, it will be my choice as to how I make it.  Just hang in there, and I will hang in there with you.  What was your brother's name and how old was he?  (If you don't mind me asking.) 

louisman 

 I am sorry .....if you didn't see my other message you wouldn't understand, so let me fill you in a little......It was my brothers wife that passed and my Uncle and before him it was my father.....my mother has nothing to do with me anymore, still don't know why but anyhow, after my sister-in-laws passing she left behind 3 children ages (at the time) 4 10, 13 and here is the sadest of all of this.....The kids were at home with her and had gotten up before her and went downstairs to watch TV, and then all three went back up stairs after while because their mom didn't come down....and they found her dead in the bed, they were all alone......their dad was out of town for work...(my brother)..they did all they knew to do including calling 911, but she had been gone for hours.......the oldest blames himself for not going up sooner to check....I reassure him that there was nothing that he could of done......I helped my brother with everything taking time off or my job to help with the kids and we were very close(my brother and I)...I helped with money all i could we hung out practically every day with our kids and such it was good for the children......my two kids are Girls.....at the time were ages 16 and 14....needless to say my brother began seeing this new girl and things started happening that just wern't right....this girlfriend was talking to my oldest daughter alot about her relationship with my brother...and I got upset because IN MY EYES.....ADULT ISSUES SHOULD NOT BE DISCUSSED WITH CHILDREN.....especially when it was my daughter, not hers.and then I come to find out this passed summer that she was also( the girlfriend)....was GIVING AND SMOKING POT WITH MY DAUGHTER....I couldn't prove this or I would have pressed charges.......and to make a long story short....my brother sided with the girlfriend, and broke my heart because he didn't believe me....so now we havn't talked in over 4 months and i don't get to see the children either.....so i am now grieving the relationship loss so to speak of not having my brother in my life now either...and i am not sure if i did the right thing.......please tell me what you think........i hope you will hang in there with me i feel like i have no one to talk to.......my E-mail adresss is JMi4258219@aol.com, i am having a hard time navigating this board and it takes me forever to find my messages.....i am to say the least computer challenged ! Just add a note to the subject part of the e-mail so i know not to delete it.......like overcoming grief or something...I look forward to your advice on what I should do...
 
October 26, 2005, 9:44 am CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: louisman

 halliee, 

I didn't see your posting, but don't need to see it to know you are hurting.  I hurt also. I will hurt with you and be sad with you.  Just remember that we all have choices for the way we feel.  Not just greiving but through every decision in life everyday.  I think the holidays are gong to be tough, too.  But my choice is to enjoy my children and grandchildren more than I ever have before.  My husband loved Christmas, therefore I am intended on keeping that going on year to year.  I think the hardest part for me is when I go shopping the day after thanksgiving, that was our day.  But, it might not be so bad, either.  I think when the day comes, it will be my choice as to how I make it.  Just hang in there, and I will hang in there with you.  What was your brother's name and how old was he?  (If you don't mind me asking.) 

louisman 

p.s. louisman, I am also very sorry for your loss, you said you too have children and grandchildren, how old, i know how I treasure my family and it sounds like you do also......there is nothing like watching them grow is there......in my eyes they grow up way too fast......i can't wait for grandchildren but not yet....my oldest just turned 18 and i my youngest is now 16 and learning to drive...... it is so hard to let go you know? but like you I live for them and will continue to do so. but also like you the holidays are no longer happy for me....except what I share with my husband and girls...hope to hear back from you soon , so until then take care of your self ok? 

 
October 26, 2005, 5:18 pm CDT

my husband

it s hard for me and my daugthers get over there dad die and still miss him alot at night and day. 

   he had really bad heart and he drink alot beer and somke and still working they day he die in woods  and he love to going out and see diffent place and love to help people out for there wood for they winter? he die 2/5/05? 

 
October 29, 2005, 7:55 am CDT

daughter died one yr ago

My daughter died from lymphoma one year ago and I still have trouble sleeping at night and finding joy.
 
October 29, 2005, 7:59 am CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: cmdj42

My daughter died from lymphoma one year ago and I still have trouble sleeping at night and finding joy.
oh im so very very sorry.please accept my deepest deepest sorries.im so very sorry that happened and i cant say i know how you feel because i dont im only 13 about to be 14 so i cant say that.trust even though its hard to sleep or fing joy you really just have to know she is in a better place looking and smiling at you every moment.and even though you cant see her she is always by your side.i hope this helps.i know what you mean by you cant sleep i understand that its hard for me to sleep too knowing that the anniversary of my best friend's murder is on my birthday.
 
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