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Topic : Overcoming Grief

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

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October 30, 2008, 5:34 am CDT

overcoming grief

Quote From: nessie19

 I know I am not the first this has happened to.   I have been so busy, I don't feel I've had the chance to grieve yet.  All of a sudden,  I think it's hitting me....but I'm not sure, and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it.  I am telling myself 'don't think about it'. I loved my Father so much. He battled cancer for two years and lost the fight, he was an amazing, strong, positive person through all he had to suffer: hip surgery to remove cancer in the hip, kidney surgery to remove cancer there, they took out his C6 verterbrae because it was also cancerous, the implant slipped and he could no longer walk without help/or hold up his neck without a brace. They couldn't go back in and operate because they where afraid he would bleed to death on the operating table as he almost did that time.  His blood was very thin due to taking aspirin as 10 years before this he had a bi- pass for a heart attack, though he came through with fighting colors after battling that. And all this with chemo therapy ...I have  never seen my mother the way she is now, I don't feel I can help her, she has withdrawn into herself, I'm trying to help, but I am not reaching her.  I am terribly worried for her.  My husband sais he understands exactly what I am going through, yet he has not lost a parent yet. I don't feel he does know what I'm going through, it makes me angry and upset.  I know he's only trying to help.
Anyone out there with advice on how to deal with this?
Thankyou so much.
 

 
...i know what you are going thru... well to the point as i lost a parent.. my mum she died instantly not by a illness but in an accident.. she feels gone from me however she is the closest person in my life it has been almost my 25 years ago I am an adult now.. however she is so close to me... my grief that i used to wish would pass is now a comfort _ when i feel is worst it usually means i am having the deepest thought of her. Your mum has lost her best friend - she cannot get that feeling from anyone else although it looks really painful to you - she is getting what she needs from this grief and it will pass for her as it will pass for you... your dad sounds like an insperation to me.. he was posiitive with all his sufferings with Cancer and HIS strength is what will get you past this HIS positivity will pull you thru because you know how he suffered yet he kept going... by passing away he also knew this would help as you couldn't watch him in pain anymore or watch him not be himself. Your husband in a way is trying to help... I know what your mean by he doesn't understand as my husband is the same he has all his family, however I know one day I will need to be his strength if one of his parents die he will need to know how to carry on... although he may not understand he may understand that this day may come to  him.. you will be his support and that is where he is coming from... I know i don't know your story however from what you have written I feel very strong from what you have said about your dad he sounds like such an insperation for what he has been thru..
 
November 6, 2008, 12:37 pm CST

loss of a sister

On June 30, 1995, my sister was going home from our parents house after telling my Mother she had just found out her and her husband were expecting their first child.  She was so excited, she had been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years.  She never made it home that day.  A man coming from the other direction passed another vehicle going around a corner and hit her head on.  Her car spun around and ended up in an embankment.  Her left arm was crushed beyond repair, she had been hit in her left temple with a piece of the door panel rendering her paralyzed o the right side, and the spinning of the car caused what the neurologist called 'shaken baby syndrome' that gave her the mentality of a five year old.  Her car caught on fire, and she had to be removed from it with the jaws of life.  She was life flighted to the local hospital where doctors removed what was left of her mashed arm, trached her and began artificial rescission via a ventilator.  The man that hit her, he sprained his wrist.  She spent almost 3 months in a coma, onto a rehab facility, where the people took very good care of her, but could not make her any better.  She lost her baby, her husband showed his true colors and slept with her best friend(and then told her about it) and she never regained her memory of the years 1993-1995 for some reason.  Our older parents cared for her at home for 3 months, but finally realized this was not acceptable.  We moved her to the local nursing home where she spent the next 13 years of her life.  Over the years, we learned to accept the "new" sister I had in my life, visiting every weekend, bringing my children, even my pets in to see her.  She lived every day, happy to be alive, until about 3 months ago when she started failing.  She began being admitted to the hospital more for pneumonia, we could no longer understand her few words she could say; pretty much everything was getting harder for her.  She was admitted to the hospital on September 2 this year with aspiration pneumonia again, but this time, the doctors told her and us that she would need to have the feeding tube and trach reinserted to keep her alive.  She refused.  She made it very clear that this was not how she wanted to live.  The doctors made it known that if she refused these things, this was it, she would no longer live, and she just said, 'I'm tired'.  We all agreed this was her decision to make, and on September 11, 2008 at 12:15 she took her last breath with me holding her hand.  She was 38.  I am so angry-I just want her back, I want her to yell at me like when we were kids, I want her to tell me how dumb I am, but she can't.  All because someone had to be in a hurry and pass a slower moving vehicle.  I used to take care of a lady (I am a nurse) that told me to treat everyday like it is your last, because someday it will be.  I never knew how right she was until this happened to my sister.  Don't ever let things go unsaid, tell the people that you love that you do, before you loose your chance to.

 
December 4, 2008, 12:55 am CST

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: hotcatcyn

On June 30, 1995, my sister was going home from our parents house after telling my Mother she had just found out her and her husband were expecting their first child.  She was so excited, she had been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years.  She never made it home that day.  A man coming from the other direction passed another vehicle going around a corner and hit her head on.  Her car spun around and ended up in an embankment.  Her left arm was crushed beyond repair, she had been hit in her left temple with a piece of the door panel rendering her paralyzed o the right side, and the spinning of the car caused what the neurologist called 'shaken baby syndrome' that gave her the mentality of a five year old.  Her car caught on fire, and she had to be removed from it with the jaws of life.  She was life flighted to the local hospital where doctors removed what was left of her mashed arm, trached her and began artificial rescission via a ventilator.  The man that hit her, he sprained his wrist.  She spent almost 3 months in a coma, onto a rehab facility, where the people took very good care of her, but could not make her any better.  She lost her baby, her husband showed his true colors and slept with her best friend(and then told her about it) and she never regained her memory of the years 1993-1995 for some reason.  Our older parents cared for her at home for 3 months, but finally realized this was not acceptable.  We moved her to the local nursing home where she spent the next 13 years of her life.  Over the years, we learned to accept the "new" sister I had in my life, visiting every weekend, bringing my children, even my pets in to see her.  She lived every day, happy to be alive, until about 3 months ago when she started failing.  She began being admitted to the hospital more for pneumonia, we could no longer understand her few words she could say; pretty much everything was getting harder for her.  She was admitted to the hospital on September 2 this year with aspiration pneumonia again, but this time, the doctors told her and us that she would need to have the feeding tube and trach reinserted to keep her alive.  She refused.  She made it very clear that this was not how she wanted to live.  The doctors made it known that if she refused these things, this was it, she would no longer live, and she just said, 'I'm tired'.  We all agreed this was her decision to make, and on September 11, 2008 at 12:15 she took her last breath with me holding her hand.  She was 38.  I am so angry-I just want her back, I want her to yell at me like when we were kids, I want her to tell me how dumb I am, but she can't.  All because someone had to be in a hurry and pass a slower moving vehicle.  I used to take care of a lady (I am a nurse) that told me to treat everyday like it is your last, because someday it will be.  I never knew how right she was until this happened to my sister.  Don't ever let things go unsaid, tell the people that you love that you do, before you loose your chance to.

my dad and sister were killed on the way to get her wedding dress fit... just before christmas. she was to be married jan 12. hit by semi. dad was torn in half (i think he saw it at last minit and tried to reach for kris) and most of kris' head was in trunk area. i was angry too..... i was 14. they thot she was mom cuz her hair burnt off....... friction. yup pissed me off. i found her diary. i yelled at her in it. i'll tell u how dumb u are. pretend i'm ur sis. and YELL at ME. i'll pretend ur kris. if u never reply to me then just imagine...... what u'd say..... and YELL AT THE TOP OF UR LUNGS DAMN U!!!!!!!! then remember, she'd only want to stay as the sis she always was....... not as the NEW one u described........ loves out to u......... i was there tooooooo
 
December 4, 2008, 1:08 am CST

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: volligtoll

I just feel I need to get this out. In the last year and a half I have lost three close family members all on my dad's side of the family. In May of 07 my grandmother passed away suddenly from bone cancer, doctors didn't even know she had cancer until feburary and by then it was too late to do anything. This was very hard for me, my dad and I have never been close (my parents never married) and my grandmother had always been the person that included me in everything for that side of my family. Losing her was kind of like losing my link in a way, my dad's family lives in a small town a few hours from me and when I would visit it would always be with my grandparents not my father. She always made sure I felt accepted even when I didn't feel my dad did accept me. My biggest regret is that when I graduated high school and moved on to college I stopped visiting and only went down there for one christmas in years. I was avoiding my dad and I cut everyone out. I last saw her in the hospital two weeks before she died, I still can't believe shes gone she was such a strong woman. In early March of this year my grandfather was also diagnoised with cancer, they had found a tumor so large the doctors didn't even know what kind of cancer it was. I didn't make the same mistake of avoidence and visited as often as I could. he died in May of this year within days of when my grandmother died. He really had given up the will to fight, I really don't think he wanted to live with out my grandmother. This also happened a month before my wedding, I wanted him to be there so bad. I wish everyday that I would have had a shorter engagment because than both my grandparents could have been there, I can't even think about my wedding with out thinking of them. I didn't even get a chance to grieve for my grandfather because in August my aunt died, whether she commited suicide or it was an accident I don't know. My dad called me the night it happened when they found her body in the river, They weren't sure what happened then and I never asked afterward. I feel like my family has fallen apart, and I don't even know how to accept this. I feel like I've shut down. I know christmas and thanksgiving this year are going to be such a wreak, I don't know how I'm going to do it. My doctor thinks I might have depression but I can't afford a therapist and I don't want medication and I don't want to worry my husband or my family. Its just hard because I can't really talk with my aunts or uncles on my dad's side in person and my mom's side of the family doesn't really understand. I don't know I just thought I'd put this on here and get it off my chest.

i said before, had i any way to contact u i would. and when u did, i'd let u YELLLLLLLLL at me. YELL OUT LOUD. yes it hurts yes it sux assssssssssssss. but yet it happens. as it did to me too......

 

i lost my dad, sis at same time.....  classmate 6 mos later, babysitting kid and pal about 6 mos later, as was pal's dad.........then gpa 1 yr later, all in same 1 yr period. makes u skert to answer phone don't it? yet here i am 20+ yrs later. and i'm still here. without drugs. without therapy. i wish u'd go...... u know, most DO have sliding scale for payment..... but if u just can't...... then remember......... tomorrow ur gonna wake up anyway. ur GONNA breathe in and out........and if ur religious at all, my mom says tell GOD ok YOU take this i gotta go to sleep and UR go nna be up all night anyway....... and ur worried bout ur husband? what's he THERE for anyway? HIS job to hug u!!!!!!!!! WORRY HIMMMMMMMMMMMMM TELL HIM UR SADDDDDDDDD!!!!! and find ur good pals and tell THEM TOO. i've found it's ok to just omg CRUMBLE cuz tis my fiancee's job and my mom's job and my pals' job to put me back together...... so that makes it safe to just go BONK when i need to........ wish i could be one u crumple to. cuz i'd put u back together too. tho i can't contact u remember there's people out there that'd just let u go bonkers.... and then give u a hand to get back up ok? thinkin bout u........... and im giving u the kinda balls it took for ME to get thru kk? they're brass....... and u GOTTEM iffen u look hard nuff..........cry baby.....much as u want..... on ur HUSBAND. it's HIS job. and YOU CAN be strong enuff to let him know that. he loves u. let him help.

 
December 30, 2008, 1:46 pm CST

How Long Does It Take?

In March it will be two yrs that my husband passed in his sleep unexpectedly.  We were together 33 yrs and would have been married 30.  Really I don't even know what to say here except that I miss him so much that it hurts.  I do work and that is what keeps me from moping around the house all day (I do this on weekends).  I find myself not wanting  to do things 1, because I feel guilty (I should be doing them with him), 2, I shouldn't have fun and 3, memories are always a reminder.  I know I need to move forward but it is hard by yourself, I really don't have friends as my husband was my best friend and my only friend.  I do have a 29 year old daughter but don't want to burden her because she is trying to deal with the unexpected lost herself and I want her to get on with her life.  She feels she has not only lost a dad (her biggest supporter) but that he also took a part of her me with him. I've thought of therapy but how do you find someone you can trust and is not just taking your money.  Right now I am going through the angry stage because I feel I should have done more and that I have let him down, I strongly feel he was misdiagnosed (diagnosed with asthma and died of a fatal arrthymia).  Sorry for the poor me (there are individuals worst off) but I really do miss him and still do not have a day that I don't cry.  Some people feel I should be over it, how long does it take?
 
January 14, 2009, 3:06 pm CST

I feel your pain

Quote From: peppermint1023

In March it will be two yrs that my husband passed in his sleep unexpectedly.  We were together 33 yrs and would have been married 30.  Really I don't even know what to say here except that I miss him so much that it hurts.  I do work and that is what keeps me from moping around the house all day (I do this on weekends).  I find myself not wanting  to do things 1, because I feel guilty (I should be doing them with him), 2, I shouldn't have fun and 3, memories are always a reminder.  I know I need to move forward but it is hard by yourself, I really don't have friends as my husband was my best friend and my only friend.  I do have a 29 year old daughter but don't want to burden her because she is trying to deal with the unexpected lost herself and I want her to get on with her life.  She feels she has not only lost a dad (her biggest supporter) but that he also took a part of her me with him. I've thought of therapy but how do you find someone you can trust and is not just taking your money.  Right now I am going through the angry stage because I feel I should have done more and that I have let him down, I strongly feel he was misdiagnosed (diagnosed with asthma and died of a fatal arrthymia).  Sorry for the poor me (there are individuals worst off) but I really do miss him and still do not have a day that I don't cry.  Some people feel I should be over it, how long does it take?

Dear Pepper:  I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  Although, I have not lost a partner, I have lost my father, brother, and mother in a period of exactly 10 years, and I am still grieving.  I don't think that grief has a timetable.  My Dad died on 11/29/97, my brother committed suicide on 12/18/00, and my Mom died on 11/4/07.  There is not a day that goes by that I am not thinking about them.  They were my only "core" family.

 

I still am grieving, feel anger that my brother took his life and left me to pick up the pieces, and extremely sad that I never knew how depressed he was. 

 

Someone told me when my Dad died that everyone grieves in their own way.  There is not right or wrong way to grieve.   Your husband will always be on your mind, no matter how long ago he passed away.  I have been suffering severe depression since my Dad died back in 1997 and I have been taking anti-depressants since then, and have yet to find one that helps me.

 

I don't want to say that time heals all wounds, because I really don't believe that.  I think that my losses made a hole in my heart and I will never be the same, but I go on, taking one day at a time.  My family including my 7 grandkids make things a little better for me, but I will always grieve.

 

I hope that you find some peace and comfort in remembering all of the wonderful years that you had with him.   No one can take that away from you.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Sincerely,

 

Karen Coffey-Sherman

Baltimore, MD  21211

 
February 18, 2009, 10:36 am CST

Lost My Father To Cancer

Hello I lost my Dad to Cancer last year in August. He was only 46 yrs.old My parents had me when they were very young.I'm 28yrs.old My dad wasn't around when I was Lil' He joined the Marines before I was born,the first time I met him I was about 5yrs.old. The passed 10 yrs he tryed to be apart of mine life. But all my anger & hurt towards him kept him away. I'm happy that I went to go see him before he passed away. He got to meet he's grandkidz for the first time. I feel so bad cause I wouldn't let him be apart of my life. I wrote him aletter told him how I felt & why I wouldn't let him in my life,but the letter got there aday late. My Grandpa told me he held on as long as he could,he was so happy to see me. My Grandpa always came & got me when I was Lil'. We lost contact after we moved out of my grandma's house when I was Lil'. I want to so much to be apart of my dad's side of family. But I'm not sure how to. Everyone says he loved me so much. I'm his first born & only daughter. He also hurts cause he was apart of my brothers life. He stayed in contact with them. I'm happy that he did,but it hurts. If anyone can give me some advice how to over come this hurt & gult please let me know. I'm sopose to get together with his side of family in May for Cancer walk Relay to remeber him. Hopefully we all stay in Contact after this. Thanks for listening. I needed to write this out. & ask for some advice
 
February 20, 2009, 3:49 pm CST

my brother paul

Hi to all, this is the first time i have written.  I have read some of the letters that were sent, and feel all the pain.  My brother paul died 1 year ago, march 15, 2008.  this happened 26 days after my mother died the

same year. the loss i felt for my brother was far greater than my mother, as she had been in a nursing home in a vegetative state for years, so i had been grieving her loss before she died. but when paul died,

my whole world fell apart.  i wanted to die and go to heaven he could keep on protecting me. our parents were alsoholic and my mother suffered from alcoholism and manic depression, i believe she was scizophrenic, but she never got diagnosed as such.  growing up under these circumstances was quite scary and confusing for us, but i was 7 years younger than my brother so he was always my savior. when my parents were fighting or mom was just acting "wierd", he would come to my room and tell me to think of mickey mouse or whoever was my favorite character at the time.  we both became alcoholic, but i took it further to become addicted to crack.  my brother developed alcohol indused diabetes and nearly died, he had to quit drinking to survive. he had 9 years sobriety when he died. he had pneumonia and did not seek help until he was too sick, his diabetes was so bad that his body started breaking down by the time he called 911.  he was in the hospital a few hours when his heart stopped.  they revived him then and two more times after that, but his kdneys shut down and his body gave up the fight.  he was dead 24 hours after he called 911.  i was so angry that he waited so long to call for help.  i did not get to the hospital as it was in Mass. and I live in upstate NY.  I felt alot of guilt for not going to the hospital that night, but in a way i am glad that i did not see him suffering. i want to remember him as the strong man that he was. I will go to Albany on the anniversary of his death, as his daughters live there and will need support, although they seemed so much stronger than i at the wake.  there is so much more to the story, but the good news is i stayed clean and sober through this whole ordeal. thank god.

 
February 27, 2009, 4:16 pm CST

loss of a spouse

It is so difficult to loose your spouse suddenly.  I lost my husband 8 years ago and it was sudden.  He went to work that day fine and by 2:00 in the afternoon I get a call from his boss saying they found my husband on the ground face down in water not breathing and no pulse.  He went into cardiac arrest and because they couldn't get him intibated in time, he was brain damaged.  They got his heart back into normal rythum (sp?) but it took over 30 minutes to get him intibated.  My husband was in a coma for two weeks and then I had to make the decision of having him lie in a coma and hope that he may come out of it but be in a vegetative state or allow the doctors to administer morphine to him and shut his organs down.  It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life and to this day I feel like I may have allowed the doctors to kill him.  He never came out of the coma and we were together for 25 years and had been married for 23 years.  He was my buddy, my best friend and I was on disability at the time and he died with no life insurance so I was in one financial mess after his death.  I think you are numb for the first couple of years from a sudden death of a spouse with alot of would haves and should haves racing through your mind.  Then you are angry at the world and saying "Why me and why my husband" and then depression sets in and you feel like life isn't worth anything and you become isolated because people including family feel you need to pull up your boot straps and get over it and I so wish it was that simple.  It has taken me this long to finally realize that my husband is gone and is not coming back and that life does go on and I finally have come to remember the good times instead the horrible sight I saw in the ER of my husband on life support having seizures due to the brain damage and with a neck brace on because he had fallen off the truck he drove when he went into the cardiac arrest.  It was a sight I thought I would never see in my life and it was embedded in my head for so many years.  I would see him like that in my sleep.  I was angry at myself for not being able to save him or make him wake up with my words of I love you and I want you to wake up.  Everyone grieves at their own pace and I have my story of those two weeks on my website for people to read and I have gotten so much e-mail saying that it was so nice to know that they were not the only ones who felt that way and it was a relief to know that there was a light at the end of this horrible tunnel you go through in your grieving process.  I still miss him terribly and on holidays I still have problems but I don't hide off and feel sorry for myself anymore.  I just see my boys and see their father in them and enjoy that fact.  My youngest looks exactly like his father when I first met him and he is just like his father, very loving and caring.  All our boys have that loving and caring trait of their father and it's wonderful to see them keep it going through their own children.  It's a hard road but it does get better..
 
February 28, 2009, 8:10 am CST

Grief

Quote From: lacey3804

Dear Pepper:  I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  Although, I have not lost a partner, I have lost my father, brother, and mother in a period of exactly 10 years, and I am still grieving.  I don't think that grief has a timetable.  My Dad died on 11/29/97, my brother committed suicide on 12/18/00, and my Mom died on 11/4/07.  There is not a day that goes by that I am not thinking about them.  They were my only "core" family.

 

I still am grieving, feel anger that my brother took his life and left me to pick up the pieces, and extremely sad that I never knew how depressed he was. 

 

Someone told me when my Dad died that everyone grieves in their own way.  There is not right or wrong way to grieve.   Your husband will always be on your mind, no matter how long ago he passed away.  I have been suffering severe depression since my Dad died back in 1997 and I have been taking anti-depressants since then, and have yet to find one that helps me.

 

I don't want to say that time heals all wounds, because I really don't believe that.  I think that my losses made a hole in my heart and I will never be the same, but I go on, taking one day at a time.  My family including my 7 grandkids make things a little better for me, but I will always grieve.

 

I hope that you find some peace and comfort in remembering all of the wonderful years that you had with him.   No one can take that away from you.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Sincerely,

 

Karen Coffey-Sherman

Baltimore, MD  21211

Hi Pepper, I have posted here as well and when reading your post, you sould just like I was when I lost my husband of 25 years suddenly.  Sweetie, I know it's hard to comprehend this but it does get better and less painful but it is a process.  It's been almost 9 years since I lost my husband suddenly and he was 53 years old at the time and I was so angry at myself for not being there at his job to save him and went thru so many should have's and guilt that was unbelievable.  It is just part of the grieving process and everyone grieves at their own pace.  I have been in therapy and it's helped so much.  You need to find a grieving therapist if possible but any therapist can help you thru this and help you understand your emotions and that you are not crazy.  I have 3 boys who lost their father and I had a granddaughter born while my husband was in the coma and he died a few days after our middle son's birthday who also had his daughter born three days into his father's coma.  I couldn't burden my boys with my grief because they were having such a hard time themselves as well, like your daughter.  I can relate to that so much.  All I can say is, just take one day at a time and if that is too much, then one moment at a time.  I was like you, I had no friends, my husband was my best friend and we did everything together and when he was gone I was completely lost.  You will know when it is time to finally accept the loss and move forward.  No one can tell you to just get over it, if they do then it means they have never been thru it and you don't need them.

Hang in there and my thoughts and prayers are with you from someone who has already been there.

 

Hugs,

Nancy Morgan

Sacramento, California

 
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