Topic : Overcoming Grief

On June 30, 1995, my sister was going home from our parents house after telling my Mother she had just found out her and her husband were expecting their first child.  She was so excited, she had been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years.  She never made it home that day.  A man coming from the other direction passed another vehicle going around a corner and hit her head on.  Her car spun around and ended up in an embankment.  Her left arm was crushed beyond repair, she had been hit in her left temple with a piece of the door panel rendering her paralyzed o the right side, and the spinning of the car caused what the neurologist called 'shaken baby syndrome' that gave her the mentality of a five year old.  Her car caught on fire, and she had to be removed from it with the jaws of life.  She was life flighted to the local hospital where doctors removed what was left of her mashed arm, trached her and began artificial rescission via a ventilator.  The man that hit her, he sprained his wrist.  She spent almost 3 months in a coma, onto a rehab facility, where the people took very good care of her, but could not make her any better.  She lost her baby, her husband showed his true colors and slept with her best friend(and then told her about it) and she never regained her memory of the years 1993-1995 for some reason.  Our older parents cared for her at home for 3 months, but finally realized this was not acceptable.  We moved her to the local nursing home where she spent the next 13 years of her life.  Over the years, we learned to accept the "new" sister I had in my life, visiting every weekend, bringing my children, even my pets in to see her.  She lived every day, happy to be alive, until about 3 months ago when she started failing.  She began being admitted to the hospital more for pneumonia, we could no longer understand her few words she could say; pretty much everything was getting harder for her.  She was admitted to the hospital on September 2 this year with aspiration pneumonia again, but this time, the doctors told her and us that she would need to have the feeding tube and trach reinserted to keep her alive.  She refused.  She made it very clear that this was not how she wanted to live.  The doctors made it known that if she refused these things, this was it, she would no longer live, and she just said, 'I'm tired'.  We all agreed this was her decision to make, and on September 11, 2008 at 12:15 she took her last breath with me holding her hand.  She was 38.  I am so angry-I just want her back, I want her to yell at me like when we were kids, I want her to tell me how dumb I am, but she can't.  All because someone had to be in a hurry and pass a slower moving vehicle.  I used to take care of a lady (I am a nurse) that told me to treat everyday like it is your last, because someday it will be.  I never knew how right she was until this happened to my sister.  Don't ever let things go unsaid, tell the people that you love that you do, before you loose your chance to.

i said before, had i any way to contact u i would. and when u did, i'd let u YELLLLLLLLL at me. YELL OUT LOUD. yes it hurts yes it sux assssssssssssss. but yet it happens. as it did to me too......

i lost my dad, sis at same time.....  classmate 6 mos later, babysitting kid and pal about 6 mos later, as was pal's dad.........then gpa 1 yr later, all in same 1 yr period. makes u skert to answer phone don't it? yet here i am 20+ yrs later. and i'm still here. without drugs. without therapy. i wish u'd go...... u know, most DO have sliding scale for payment..... but if u just can't...... then remember......... tomorrow ur gonna wake up anyway. ur GONNA breathe in and out........and if ur religious at all, my mom says tell GOD ok YOU take this i gotta go to sleep and UR go nna be up all night anyway....... and ur worried bout ur husband? what's he THERE for anyway? HIS job to hug u!!!!!!!!! WORRY HIMMMMMMMMMMMMM TELL HIM UR SADDDDDDDDD!!!!! and find ur good pals and tell THEM TOO. i've found it's ok to just omg CRUMBLE cuz tis my fiancee's job and my mom's job and my pals' job to put me back together...... so that makes it safe to just go BONK when i need to........ wish i could be one u crumple to. cuz i'd put u back together too. tho i can't contact u remember there's people out there that'd just let u go bonkers.... and then give u a hand to get back up ok? thinkin bout u........... and im giving u the kinda balls it took for ME to get thru kk? they're brass....... and u GOTTEM iffen u look hard nuff..........cry baby.....much as u want..... on ur HUSBAND. it's HIS job. and YOU CAN be strong enuff to let him know that. he loves u. let him help.

Dear Pepper:  I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  Although, I have not lost a partner, I have lost my father, brother, and mother in a period of exactly 10 years, and I am still grieving.  I don't think that grief has a timetable.  My Dad died on 11/29/97, my brother committed suicide on 12/18/00, and my Mom died on 11/4/07.  There is not a day that goes by that I am not thinking about them.  They were my only "core" family.

I still am grieving, feel anger that my brother took his life and left me to pick up the pieces, and extremely sad that I never knew how depressed he was. 

Someone told me when my Dad died that everyone grieves in their own way.  There is not right or wrong way to grieve.   Your husband will always be on your mind, no matter how long ago he passed away.  I have been suffering severe depression since my Dad died back in 1997 and I have been taking anti-depressants since then, and have yet to find one that helps me.

I don't want to say that time heals all wounds, because I really don't believe that.  I think that my losses made a hole in my heart and I will never be the same, but I go on, taking one day at a time.  My family including my 7 grandkids make things a little better for me, but I will always grieve.

I hope that you find some peace and comfort in remembering all of the wonderful years that you had with him.   No one can take that away from you.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,

Karen Coffey-Sherman

Baltimore, MD  21211

Hi to all, this is the first time i have written.  I have read some of the letters that were sent, and feel all the pain.  My brother paul died 1 year ago, march 15, 2008.  this happened 26 days after my mother died the

same year. the loss i felt for my brother was far greater than my mother, as she had been in a nursing home in a vegetative state for years, so i had been grieving her loss before she died. but when paul died,

my whole world fell apart.  i wanted to die and go to heaven he could keep on protecting me. our parents were alsoholic and my mother suffered from alcoholism and manic depression, i believe she was scizophrenic, but she never got diagnosed as such.  growing up under these circumstances was quite scary and confusing for us, but i was 7 years younger than my brother so he was always my savior. when my parents were fighting or mom was just acting "wierd", he would come to my room and tell me to think of mickey mouse or whoever was my favorite character at the time.  we both became alcoholic, but i took it further to become addicted to crack.  my brother developed alcohol indused diabetes and nearly died, he had to quit drinking to survive. he had 9 years sobriety when he died. he had pneumonia and did not seek help until he was too sick, his diabetes was so bad that his body started breaking down by the time he called 911.  he was in the hospital a few hours when his heart stopped.  they revived him then and two more times after that, but his kdneys shut down and his body gave up the fight.  he was dead 24 hours after he called 911.  i was so angry that he waited so long to call for help.  i did not get to the hospital as it was in Mass. and I live in upstate NY.  I felt alot of guilt for not going to the hospital that night, but in a way i am glad that i did not see him suffering. i want to remember him as the strong man that he was. I will go to Albany on the anniversary of his death, as his daughters live there and will need support, although they seemed so much stronger than i at the wake.  there is so much more to the story, but the good news is i stayed clean and sober through this whole ordeal. thank god.

Hi Pepper, I have posted here as well and when reading your post, you sould just like I was when I lost my husband of 25 years suddenly.  Sweetie, I know it's hard to comprehend this but it does get better and less painful but it is a process.  It's been almost 9 years since I lost my husband suddenly and he was 53 years old at the time and I was so angry at myself for not being there at his job to save him and went thru so many should have's and guilt that was unbelievable.  It is just part of the grieving process and everyone grieves at their own pace.  I have been in therapy and it's helped so much.  You need to find a grieving therapist if possible but any therapist can help you thru this and help you understand your emotions and that you are not crazy.  I have 3 boys who lost their father and I had a granddaughter born while my husband was in the coma and he died a few days after our middle son's birthday who also had his daughter born three days into his father's coma.  I couldn't burden my boys with my grief because they were having such a hard time themselves as well, like your daughter.  I can relate to that so much.  All I can say is, just take one day at a time and if that is too much, then one moment at a time.  I was like you, I had no friends, my husband was my best friend and we did everything together and when he was gone I was completely lost.  You will know when it is time to finally accept the loss and move forward.  No one can tell you to just get over it, if they do then it means they have never been thru it and you don't need them.

Hang in there and my thoughts and prayers are with you from someone who has already been there.

Hugs,

Nancy Morgan

Sacramento, California