Quote From: cappy1573i read your message and i have been trying so hard to deal with my feelings. My husband went out on sunday morning Jan.30 2005. He went out like he always do to get the paper, i called him on his cell to see what he wants for breakfast, he reply the same as always his regular. He came home and aid some letters on the kitchen table one for each of us my 4 children and myself each in it's own envelope,and started handing the kids 100.00 bills and went down stairs I could 't understand what was going on at that time. My oldest daughter read her letter and i was so busy trying to get the money away from the kids, that by time i turn and made way to go downstairs all we heard was a gunshot. My husband went in our bedroom and shot himself and i try so hard each day not to think about it to keep myself busy, to keep saying that i will be alright if i keep busy and focus on my kids . It has been almost a year and i feel so many things i feel like shutting down, i feel like i want to scream and curse him for doning this to my children, I feel overwhelmed, I feel so alone at times and i can't stop replaying that day in my head. i need to know when do i start to heal? I need to know when do i forgive him and when do i get that image out my head of him on the bed? I need a break emotionally and finacially. I need to grieve.
Suicide is insidious. It leaves we survivors with such a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. You begin to see the signs that were there but didn't notice and beat yourself up. You felt like you should have done something. But what? I asked my husband's brother, who attempted suicide 6 months prior to my husband's death, what in the world he could have been thinking to have attemped such a thing. He said that he had two thoughts. "I'm in pain and I need out" That was it. I learned that suicidal people have tunnel vision, once they set their mind to it, they will become single-minded in carrying out their mission. nd they don't consider the people and the mess they will leave behind.
Please, please don't blame yourself or think you could have done something. The bottom line is this - your husband made a very bad, very final choice. It was his choice and his alone. It's o.k., in fact, normal, to be really pissed at him. He abandoned you. He took the coward's way out. But he was in pain beyond what you could possibly imagine otherwise, how could he have left you and your children behind. Taking care of your children is probably keeping you from shutting down but you still need to grieve this. I was really frightened of the grief process at first, but I found a group for suicide survivors (your area probably has one. I would highly recommend it) and it was so helpful to be in a room with people that felt the exact same pain and hopelessness and disillusionment as me. I didn't feel so alone any more. You're not alone, either.
It took me a long time to forgive my husband but I finally did. I loved him madly, and miss him terribly still. But in my heart I know that no longer suffers from whatever demons drove him to do it and know I will see him again one day.
I hope you find comfort. Give yourself a hug for me, I really do care.
There are couple of really good websites for grief and loss:
http://www.webhealing.com/
http://www.beyondindigo.com/
http://www.widownet.com/
