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Topic : Overcoming Grief

Number of Replies: 1337
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

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August 3, 2005, 5:41 am CDT

bevilma

Quote From: bevilma

My uncle was hit by a drunk driver July 15. He was on his motorcycle driving home when a guy hit him going 70 m.p.h.  My uncle was not wearing a helmet but somehow survived. The accident happened at 2:30 in the morning. He was released from the hospital by 8:30 although he could not even stand up. For 5 days we took care of him as best we could. He was even brought back to another hospital 2 days later by ambulance, it took 2 hrs. for E.M.S to get him in the truck.  Again he was let go after only a couple of hrs. and very few tests, returned by E.M.S sice he still could not walk. He died 1 day and 1/2 later at 3 in the morning. He was 43, a teacher, husband, and father of three girls ages 8, 10, and 25. We buried him on his daughter's 25th b-day. The guy spent one night in jail for a P.I.  He had no insurance, and his license had been suspended since 1999. He claimed another person was driving but, didn't know his name. The druck was released to him without ever having any fingerprinting done. He had his truck stripped within 4 days and is still walking  (probably driving) around as a free man today.
I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOST BEVILMA.WE LOST A YOUNG GUY HERE IN OUR COMMUNITY TOO DUE TO A MOTORCYCLE.SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN MOTORCYCLE WAS THE FAULT BUT HIMSELF HE TOOK IT FOR A RIDE AND HAD NEVER DRIVEN ONE BEFORE.ANYHOW WE HAD ALOT OF LOSSES IN THE COMMUNITY LATELY ALSO.2SUICDES AND THE ACCIDENT I MEANED .ALL REALLY GOOD FRIENDS OF EACH OTHER.SO SORRY YOUR UNCLE WAS TREATED SO UNPROFESSIONALLY.I WISH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY THE BEST AND MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALL.TAKE CARE AND GODBLESS.CATHY
 
August 3, 2005, 8:25 pm CDT

Cathy

Quote From: 101160

I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOST BEVILMA.WE LOST A YOUNG GUY HERE IN OUR COMMUNITY TOO DUE TO A MOTORCYCLE.SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN MOTORCYCLE WAS THE FAULT BUT HIMSELF HE TOOK IT FOR A RIDE AND HAD NEVER DRIVEN ONE BEFORE.ANYHOW WE HAD ALOT OF LOSSES IN THE COMMUNITY LATELY ALSO.2SUICDES AND THE ACCIDENT I MEANED .ALL REALLY GOOD FRIENDS OF EACH OTHER.SO SORRY YOUR UNCLE WAS TREATED SO UNPROFESSIONALLY.I WISH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY THE BEST AND MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALL.TAKE CARE AND GODBLESS.CATHY
No offense taken. I've actually told my two girls I hope they never get on a motorcycle. My uncle loved the things though.  He did autobody for a living. He and my dad even owned a shop in South Carolina when we were kids. What really sucks is the fact that he had been riding for so long, in so many places. They lived in Dallas for the longest and he died in a s!*thole little town like Port Arthur Texas (which just happens to be where he was born and raised). We found out yeseterday he died from a double air embelism, something that was totally treatable and preventable. A simple ultrasound would have caught it, the whole thing was totally sensless. Both the cops and the two hospitals he was treated at were totally incompetant. They act like they're doing us a favor when they are simply doing the job they are paid to do, it makes me sick!!! So what's Canada like, I daydream about moving their all of the time.
 
August 3, 2005, 11:24 pm CDT

Thank you 2nephi

Thank you so much for the kind words. I have been on a rollercoaster ride so long I wonder how I'm still here but I am. There are so many nights,days and hours I wish he were here holding me like he used to. My common sense says I need to move on but my heart inside is still shattered after almost five years. One thing I do find myself doing is talking about him alot, things that happen that make me think of what he did or would have said and I have to smile even though the loss is so devastating. He was my one and only love. I was never like other girls in school, I didn't go out partying and I was always made fun of over the color of my  hair which was ridiculous but Billy never ever hurt me he did all to protect me and its that strong sense of protection and love that I miss so terribly. I tried moving on a couple years ago by dating but all I felt was guilty like I cheated and I hate that feeling. I think about him alot and then there are times like when I'm busy and don't think about him and then wonder how can you not think about the person who was the most important person in my life. I look at his daughter Ashley who looks just like her daddy and personality is daddys and have to cry cause he won't see her graduate and he won't walk her down the aisle at her wedding and it hurts so much knowing how proud he would be of her. I just don't know anymore the easier is getting harder.  I had a counselor but they are more interested in money and being stick straight on time that they dropped me when I told them I had a kidney stone passing and waited till the day of the appointment to cancel. I could have passed it and then went but when I called to reset it up all I got well you didn't give twenty four hour notice so we can't see you for at least three months. I was furious and told her well guess next time maybe I should tell my body oh no don't get sick now its not allowed on appointment day. Also told them to keep there service since it was evident to me they are just in it for the money.
 
August 4, 2005, 5:13 am CDT

going forward

Quote From: missbilly

Thank you so much for the kind words. I have been on a rollercoaster ride so long I wonder how I'm still here but I am. There are so many nights,days and hours I wish he were here holding me like he used to. My common sense says I need to move on but my heart inside is still shattered after almost five years. One thing I do find myself doing is talking about him alot, things that happen that make me think of what he did or would have said and I have to smile even though the loss is so devastating. He was my one and only love. I was never like other girls in school, I didn't go out partying and I was always made fun of over the color of my  hair which was ridiculous but Billy never ever hurt me he did all to protect me and its that strong sense of protection and love that I miss so terribly. I tried moving on a couple years ago by dating but all I felt was guilty like I cheated and I hate that feeling. I think about him alot and then there are times like when I'm busy and don't think about him and then wonder how can you not think about the person who was the most important person in my life. I look at his daughter Ashley who looks just like her daddy and personality is daddys and have to cry cause he won't see her graduate and he won't walk her down the aisle at her wedding and it hurts so much knowing how proud he would be of her. I just don't know anymore the easier is getting harder.  I had a counselor but they are more interested in money and being stick straight on time that they dropped me when I told them I had a kidney stone passing and waited till the day of the appointment to cancel. I could have passed it and then went but when I called to reset it up all I got well you didn't give twenty four hour notice so we can't see you for at least three months. I was furious and told her well guess next time maybe I should tell my body oh no don't get sick now its not allowed on appointment day. Also told them to keep there service since it was evident to me they are just in it for the money.
you can go forward as you and your husband are as strong as a family.  sure its ok to cry but your husband that died he still sees all and knows what your going thru and is watching and is hoping you make all the right decisions as you still have a daughter to raise.  His memory will live  sure but like I said before let your current husband be hisself as i see a strong family there.  Never forget him but, never make another into another person.  you can be surprised what can happen when the love can flow all around.  Your right there all they do care is money.  God and family is first.    pray for help from God and he will guide you and your husband is your strength you need also.  :)  when it comes time for her wedding(daughters) have you ever thought of asking your current husband??  it might just give him the biggest thrill of his life also.  Just knowing that the love of heart is there would be so great and make him so happy.  just a thought.   Keep the faith and strength,  and lean toward your currant husband as he is your strength you need.  you have a wonderful family and you can a family night together where you can do something together and have some fun.  dinner and movie, shopping, picnic, BBQ, Beach,ETC.  pick something where you do something together as a family 1 day a week and have fun.  keep that day always as family day.  it don't have to be where you have to spend money either, think and of other ways where you don't spend money to spend family time to have fun.  :)  I know you can you can do it.  I have faith in you all.  keep up the good work.  2nephi
 
August 5, 2005, 12:09 am CDT

New to this and need encouragement

I am a new member who is a 47 y.o. nurse who has found herself widowed for the 2nd time.  I was really broadsided by this one and I just can't seem to get through it!  I know I need to for myself and my 14 y.o. son, but there are too many memories and regrets that I can't seem to get past.  I have a married daughter and a son in the Marines, also.  Everyone seems to be moving on with their life except me.  I get up and go to work everyday, and take my son to school, but my life is stuck.  I miss my husband terribly.  The first few years of our marriage was pretty bad, but the last seven years of our twenty year marriage were the best of all.  I know that was God's way of giving me wonderful memories to keep with me forever instead of all the bad ones,  but that is also what makes it harder (or seems to).  It has been two years since he passed away, and I can't seem to get my life going again.  I miss the hand holding, the loving talks, the closeness, and the just being together.  The talking the day over after work, and the kids' sports activities.  Can anyone help? 

 
August 5, 2005, 8:51 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: soccermom

I am a new member who is a 47 y.o. nurse who has found herself widowed for the 2nd time.  I was really broadsided by this one and I just can't seem to get through it!  I know I need to for myself and my 14 y.o. son, but there are too many memories and regrets that I can't seem to get past.  I have a married daughter and a son in the Marines, also.  Everyone seems to be moving on with their life except me.  I get up and go to work everyday, and take my son to school, but my life is stuck.  I miss my husband terribly.  The first few years of our marriage was pretty bad, but the last seven years of our twenty year marriage were the best of all.  I know that was God's way of giving me wonderful memories to keep with me forever instead of all the bad ones,  but that is also what makes it harder (or seems to).  It has been two years since he passed away, and I can't seem to get my life going again.  I miss the hand holding, the loving talks, the closeness, and the just being together.  The talking the day over after work, and the kids' sports activities.  Can anyone help? 

I am not going to say that I completely understand where you are coming from as I have not lost a spouse, but my best friend died unexpectedly of a prescription drug overdose, July 29th was the 2 year anniversary of her death. We knew each other for a long time but got really close when I was pregnant with my first child, she is 4 in a half now. Those couple of years that we were really good friends meant so much to me, we literally talked on the phone practically every day for two years, some times, a couple times a day. We were so much alike in so many ways that we could sometimes finish each others sentences or knew what the other was thinking. We went out together some as well and she loved my girls to pieces, just could never get enough of them. My youngest was only 5 months old when she died but my oldest was 2 in a half and she still remembers Lisa and will occasionally bring her up in a conversation. One day, she was in the closet and when she came out, I asked her why she was in there, she told me that she went up to heaven and talked to my friend and she told me to tell you "not to be sad becasue she is with Jesus." All I could do was to hug my little girl and tell her thank you for telling me this. it really did make me feel better but I miss her. even to this day there are times when the phone rings and I think it might be her then my heart starts to ache. I have never had a friend like her where I could just share every thing. Though I do appreciate my best friend from high school as well as others, Lisa was just different. I don't really have anything specific to add other then to share what my experience has been, I try to find ways of remembering my friend, I talk about her often and will even look at her picture at times and pray that God will keep me going in the right path so that I will see her again some day as I know she is walking the streets of heaven and she is so happy up there, Knowing that she is safe and happier then she has ever been touches me in a special way, she has no more struggles and is living life abundantly and believe me, she certainly deserves it. I still feel selfish at times as I wish she were still down here chatting with me. but my family and friends have been a wonderful support system as some of them knew her as well, We need to allow others in our lives and to let them help us to heal and to cope. If we shut others out then we will have no where to turn, other then God of course which to me is very imporant but I believe God gives us others to help us find our way through this life, not always easy to open up and let others in but we need to do it and then we need to dwell on all the happy and good things about our loved ones. I miss our talks and our visits and our outings and I am not so sure I will ever find that in any one else but I have learned that there are other people who do care and are willing to help me through the process, it isn't the same as having Lisa around but knowing that others are there and wants to help does encourage me. No one will ever take her place, for she has a special place in my heart but I have learned to let others in. I still grieve for her and I get lonely for her and like I said no one will ever replace her, This time of year especially, she is the only one I want to talk to and I tend to shut myself down but through prayers and faith in God, he has helped me and others through all this. Don't know if I was of help to you or any one else for that matter but this is my story and I understand and know how it is to lose some one we care about, life certainly isn't always fair but we have our memories to hold on to and no one can take that away from us, only if we allow them to including ourselves. Take care and know that you are blessed to have had the blessing of your loved one with you, cry and grieve when need to but dwell on happy thoughts as well, it has helped me through.
 
August 7, 2005, 12:36 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: soccermom

I am a new member who is a 47 y.o. nurse who has found herself widowed for the 2nd time.  I was really broadsided by this one and I just can't seem to get through it!  I know I need to for myself and my 14 y.o. son, but there are too many memories and regrets that I can't seem to get past.  I have a married daughter and a son in the Marines, also.  Everyone seems to be moving on with their life except me.  I get up and go to work everyday, and take my son to school, but my life is stuck.  I miss my husband terribly.  The first few years of our marriage was pretty bad, but the last seven years of our twenty year marriage were the best of all.  I know that was God's way of giving me wonderful memories to keep with me forever instead of all the bad ones,  but that is also what makes it harder (or seems to).  It has been two years since he passed away, and I can't seem to get my life going again.  I miss the hand holding, the loving talks, the closeness, and the just being together.  The talking the day over after work, and the kids' sports activities.  Can anyone help? 

I am also a new member who is 47 y. o.  My son was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in Sept/Oct of 2004.  He has had it removed and is doing well now.  Then in Dec. 2004 my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer (non-smoker) and died less than a month later Jan. 19, 2005.  This totally shocked us because he was never an ill man.  Our sons, ages 29 and 11, were as devastated as I was.  He was my childhood sweetheart--met when we were 9/10 y.o. we were married almost 30 years. The one thing I have learned from his passing was that (without invoking my spirituality on anyone) this was the plan for our lives and even though I don't like it, I can decide to continue on or waddle in self misery.  I choose to move on.  As you have, I have missed the smiles, hand holding, talks, and so on terribly.  I tend to remember the talks and looks from his last few weeks.  I try to remember every detail and smile because I have those memories.  

 

Lonliness is an awful thing. Even though I have my boys with me (29 yr. old has an apt. behind our house), it just isn't the same.  Luckily I have friends who are supportive and my family is around me all the time.  I know it will get easier.  I have been asked out a few times, and  I know I will go eventually, but not just yet. I'm taking my time to heal. I wish there were quick answers to moving on.  After he passed I just about read every book imagineable on grief and that helped somewhat.  My mantra continues when grief overwhelms, "This too shall pass" and it does and you remember the fun, laughter and love you had together. That helps me because those  memories put a smile on my face. I was loved and I loved. And if I never find love again, that is okay with me.   

 

So alot rides on your attitude about life.  Peace, harmony, and love and laughter, and it is up to you to put that in YOUR life as well as your son's.  How is he coping? 

 
August 8, 2005, 6:42 am CDT

bevilma

Quote From: bevilma

No offense taken. I've actually told my two girls I hope they never get on a motorcycle. My uncle loved the things though.  He did autobody for a living. He and my dad even owned a shop in South Carolina when we were kids. What really sucks is the fact that he had been riding for so long, in so many places. They lived in Dallas for the longest and he died in a s!*thole little town like Port Arthur Texas (which just happens to be where he was born and raised). We found out yeseterday he died from a double air embelism, something that was totally treatable and preventable. A simple ultrasound would have caught it, the whole thing was totally sensless. Both the cops and the two hospitals he was treated at were totally incompetant. They act like they're doing us a favor when they are simply doing the job they are paid to do, it makes me sick!!! So what's Canada like, I daydream about moving their all of the time.
just a short note having a sore back from an injury back in dec/04 anyway i had a seizure and landeddover a balancy of a stairs not alot of steps but i burst 3vertabrae and i am walking to talk about it anyhow.things here in canada are just great, i live in the smallest province in canada and i love it.when you fly over the island it looks like a patchwork quilt all the green and red soil and its all in patches .we have one of the most beautiful islands here in canada,well i got to go rest my back .be back on later i am always on the depression boards not hard to find talk more about canada later.cathyblue blob
 
August 18, 2005, 10:25 pm CDT

my husband

On October 23, 2003 my husband killed himself. We were separated at the time. But the grief is something that i wonder if I will ever overcome. He left no note. He acted fine the night he shot himself. He was 47 and had had migraines since he was 13. No surgery could cure his pain and I think he just gave up. I miss him terribly. The worse part is dreaming that he is alive and then waking up to the reality that he is gone. We were very close and now I wish I could have done things so differently. I think if I did maybe he would still be alive today. Grief and guilt seem to go hand in hand for me. He was a wonderful man and I wish he would have been able to see that the world needed him - that I needed him. I still need him.

Thanks for listening.

Jen
 
August 19, 2005, 10:08 am CDT

migraine headaches

Quote From: catsassy

On October 23, 2003 my husband killed himself. We were separated at the time. But the grief is something that i wonder if I will ever overcome. He left no note. He acted fine the night he shot himself. He was 47 and had had migraines since he was 13. No surgery could cure his pain and I think he just gave up. I miss him terribly. The worse part is dreaming that he is alive and then waking up to the reality that he is gone. We were very close and now I wish I could have done things so differently. I think if I did maybe he would still be alive today. Grief and guilt seem to go hand in hand for me. He was a wonderful man and I wish he would have been able to see that the world needed him - that I needed him. I still need him.

Thanks for listening.

Jen
I know about the headaches more than anyone.  i have worse headaches that are worse than than migraines.  i go to the dr. and he is trying to help me. i am not giving up.  Sure sometimes the pain is too much at times but I have too much to do and a life.  I go to one person that will help me and I know i will get answer.  God.  sure sometimes my meds don't work at all and i down for 3 days, but i i don't care.  I have a very supportive husband.  plus I am now legally blind and losing my hearing and have  a heart condition also.  I have didn't know what to do at first, but i went for to talk to some people and it helped me so much.  Now I get on with my life, and take care of my husband and the apt.  I even still do my crafts.  :)   Faith is whats its all about.  and getting the help you need.  I have my headaches everyday.  they never go away.  but I learn to deal with them and do what i can.  Don't blame yourself for anything.  I am sure that you if you knew how to help him you could and would.  :)  Pray to God and ask of him any questions you have and he will answer you.  just learn to listen.  he will answer in his own time.  :)  Have faith!!  I am sure that he knows how much you need him.  God always answers. Like the bible the always says ask of God.  he will answer.  ask him and keep asking.  and learn to listen for the answer.  he will answer you.  :)  God is with us.  he never left us.  Go forward in your life.  show your love for your husband by doing a scrapbook of him and you.  just a thought.  2nephi
 
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