Topic : Overcoming Grief

Barb, 

I have to beg to differ here on a few points you have made.  First off, grief is individual...believe me!  I am one who has also dealt with a tremendous amount of loss, just like our original friend.  Because it is individual, please do not TELL people what to do or how to deal with it....no specifics.  Everyone has to get through it in their own way and the best thing we can tell them is that whatever they choose to do...is simply okay.  If she wants to scream....then scream.  If she wants to dwell on the past for awhile...then dwell on the past and cry and cry. 

Dwelling on the past in the midst of grief is NOT engrossing yourself in self pity, as your AA program may so incorrectly say.  Dwelling on the past, for a time, can be healing....it forces out the emotions that need to come out.  It can bring on the tears.  The dangerous part is when we get stuck in that past...and that is only for a professional to diagnose and treat....not an amatuer, sit-around-the-tables person in recovery. 

Sorry if I sound like I am down on your recovery process....if it works for you...so be it!  But, as a person in recovery, I found AA to be the most dangerous place for me to be while dealing with my grief....too many obsessive, compulsive people that wanted to replace their own addictions with "helping" me....and if I was just grieving, then I was wrapped up in self pity.  If I was angry at God, at the person who left me...then I was committing a HUGE no-no....people in recovery do not DO THAT!!! 

Well, bull!  People in grief DO!!  Grief has so many stages and we have to move through and experience them all....There is shock and denial, anger, depression, sadness...so many stages that FINALLY move us to acceptance.  And no one can move you through it....it just happens.  And it sucks all along the way.... 

We get in real danger when we start believing that just because we have gone through treatment, or because we have gone through things, that we are now qualified to be arm chair psychiatrists.  That is arrogance at its best!  And, yeah, I have been guilty of it myself.  And it came back to bite me hard.  When helping others with grief, it is best to behave as if you are at an AA meeting with no cross-talk...no suggestions....no nothing....just listening and acceptance. 

And actually, the very best way to help ANYBODY with grief is to simply tell them that whatever they are feeling, whatever they want to do, whatever it takes....is OKAY!  Do it.  If you want to scream and stomp on your sister's grave because you are angry she left you....do it.  If you want to plant a tree to remember your friend...do it.  If you want to lock yourself in a room for a couple of hours, surrounded by photo albums and old letters....do it.  Cry.  Scream.  Yell.  Laugh.  Beat your chest.  Throw things.  Curl up in a fetal position and sob. 

Do it.  But....the only thing I will say is something we all already know....do whatever it takes for YOURSELF...but do not force these things onto other people.  In other words....don't scream at the kids to get the screaming out.  Don't throw things at your boyfriend.  Don't force others to remember the past if they are not ready to. 

Grief is a very lonely and selfish process.  We have to do what feels right for us....and others may not be there yet.  And we cannot force them.  We have to let them deal with it in the way that is best FOR THEM. 

Just embrace the grief.  It is yours.  And it may be painful and lonely and awful....but it is STILL YOURS...and yours alone.  So embrace it and feel it and do whatever it takes to get through it. 

That is my 2 cents worth.... 

I can relate to your mother.  I was there, about three years ago. 

The best advice I can give you is to let your mother grieve in the way she needs to.  Let her do whatever she feels.   

There are exceptions...but reality is, you cannot force her to move through this quickly.  We have to go through stages....denial, depression, sadness, anger....all just to get to acceptance. 

When a friend of mine was dying from leukemia, I made the statement that I wished I could take all of the pain of it away from her and her family.  She smiled, very wisely, and told me that was selfish.  Dying is a part of life, as is grief.  We grieve because we are human.  She said to embrace the grief, the sadness, the pain....because it is blessing that we can all FEEL! 

So, help her embrace the grief.  Her grief is proof of her love for him.  Her pain is equal to the amount of love she feels.  Celebrate the fact that your mother got to experience that sort of love in her life....most people don't. 

And maybe putting it into that sort of perspective may help her understand and not get "stuck" in the stages...  Maybe if she saw this overwhelming pain she is feeling as a reflection of the love...and that it is OKAY to feel it.....maybe she will learn to embrace it herself and to move through it. 

You absolutely cannot take this away from her.  It is HERS to own.  But you could help her understand what it is she is feeling and let her know that it is simply okay that she is dealing with it in the way she is. 

I was told it takes a good three years to move through grief...and I believe it.  It is not a fast, simple process.  But the more I told myself that it was okay to feel, think or do things...the stronger I got.  And having others reassure me that I was not crazy, that it was okay to be sad, to want to isolate (for awhile), to be angry as hell, to beat my chest, to scream and yell and cry and cry and then cry some more.....well, having them tell me it was okay, was the greatest gift of all. 

Give your mom a hug from me and tell her it was wonderful to hear about a woman who obviously loved very deeply....you are lucky to have such a lady for a mom. 

Take it easy on yourself.  Just because you watched him go through this does not mean you have gone through the stages of grief.  So don't rush it! 

Whatever you need to do to get through this, do it.  Embrace what you are feeling and just go with it.  Five months is not that long ago! 

Do what you feel.  If you feel like hiding under a blanket on the couch....do it.  If you feel like screaming and yelling and throwing things...do it.  (Probably best when no one else is around!)  If you feel like mindlessly playing solitaire on the computer....do it.  The more you give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling, the stronger you will get.  And the intensity of what you are feeling is a direct reflection of the intensity of love you felt for your husband....so embrace it!  Use that pain to honor him and the love you shared together. 

You miss him.  You loved him.  That is true and real.  Just because he is not here anymore doesn't make those facts any less real! 

So feel what you have to feel...do what you have to do....walk through it with your head up and your shoulders back....be brave and just embrace it.  I promise...if you just keep moving forward, you WILL get through it! 

It will not be easy...and it will hurt like hell...but you can do it.  And what is more important, is that you actually earned it....you earned that wonderful pain because that is how much YOU LOVED HIM!  And it is a wonderful pain....because it is a blessing that we can feel at all!  So embrace it....pull it right up to your chest and hug it tight....that pain means you are healing and that you WILL survive and that one day, it will be better. 

June 30, 2005 was the beginning of the worst pain I have ever felt in the 23 years of my life. That afternoon, I received a phone that my aunt was in the hospital 4 hours away. Six hours later, I arrived at the hospital to find my aunt unconcious and in desperate need of a liver and kidney. Wwe had no idea she was even sick. Miraculourly, she received both in less than 24 hours. It was too late though. The destroyed liver and kidney already caused too much damage. On August 12, 2005, she died. There was nothing that the doctors could do. She never became conscious again. I never got to talk to her again. Two months later, my uncle went into the hospital with a terrible headache. Two weeks later, he died of Ensephylitis, swelling of the brain. Everyday, I cry for both of them. Everyday, I wake up and believe that it was all a terrible dream. I need help and I don't know where to turn to. Help me!!  

Going through grief really IS the worst pain you will ever feel in your life. 

I wrote several replies yesterday about grief and woke up this morning to find out that a beloved aunt of mine has passed away.   

It does get easier because after you experience grief the first time, you sort of know what to expect the next and the next and the next. 

And that is why I chose to respond to you.  As painful and awful as it feels, grief is a part of life, just as much as death is.  There is no miracle drug that will make it easier...  We just have to go through it. 

Everyday you WILL cry because that is how much you loved them.  And everyday you will wake up and believe it is a terrible dream...that is called denial and it is one of the many stages we have to go through. 

But if you embrace it, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much you want to run away from it....you will get through it.  There will be shock, denial, sadness, anger and finally, acceptance and peace.  You will never get over losing them, but you CAN celebrate the fact that you had such wonderful people as part  of your own life. 

So everytime you cry....remember that it the tears are a sign of your love.  And don't shove away the good memories!  Nothing ever dies that is remembered.... 

If you feel you are stuck, you may need to see a grief counselor...but don't worry....It is still fresh and new and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  As hollow and empty as it sounds, it really is true that time will ease the pain.  It may never go away...but it will subside.  You are okay.  What you are feeling is okay.  And anyway that you want to deal with this overwhelming pain that is probably located right around your heart....is okay....cry, shout, beat on a pillow, look at old pictures, write it all out....do whatever you need to.  You will walk through this and come out stronger on the other side. 

Hang in there and take it easy on yourself.  It is not a fast process.  There is no time frame of when to get over it or when it will stop.  You just have to embrace it. 

I originally came here to try to find others who's mother's had passed away. I began reading everyone's posts and started wondering how everyone was doing during the holiday season. My mom passed away right after Christmas on Jan 19, 2002 when I was 20, my brothers were 16 and 8. I've always loved Christmas, but I don't get nearly as excited as I used to. I was thinking that maybe we should all think of a wonderful memory with a loved one who has passed away and post it here. If you're trying to help someone who's grieving, maybe you could ask them to tell you the memory.  

The main thing for me is keeping my mom a part of my life. I want to be able to still talk about her, or things I learned from her without anyone getting uncomfortable. I still have a Mom too, she's just not physically here. I fhink if others realized that we don't want to just forget about our loved ones. Feeling my mom's presence with me is/was a huge part of my grieving process.  

There was a woman who lost her husband of 13 years... I cannot imagine the pain and emptiness you must feel! However, you can't hold on to that pain... you must try to let it go and accept peace in your heart. I know that emptiness in the pit of your soul - the only person who could reach it for me was my mom. She's not here, but she's still a part of me. She lives through us, she was able to help me find peace and fill some of the emptiness. I have to admit, there's a void that will never be filled, but I stay optimistic and try to grow from my pain.  As for no motivation, not wanting to go out, etc... I can absolutely relate and empathize. I felt the same way. It's been 4 years since my mom passed away, and I feel like I just recently began getting MYSELF back.  I'm a very positive, optimistic person and believe everything happens for a reason. But no matter how strong you are or I am, the happiness will be dimmed by such a loss. I try to allow myself to grow and learn from every situation.  

I wish you all much peace, love and happiness! 

Hey You know what song I really like that brings hope and sometimes even realization of how near sighted we are, but in the end all is good. The song Seasons of Love by the cast of RENT. Its something that can lift you up. It tells you how precious each moment is and life is too short to dwell on the past or let fear control us. How do you measure one's life? How many days or mintues? Or how much he/she has accomplsihed? The way that they died? Measure his/her life in Love! 

Merry Christmas everybody!! 

Jenny