Topic : Overcoming Grief

Hi:  It has been a little over five years and it seems like yesterday.  My son "my 23 year old baby" was a profile in courage to many people and an inspiration to many many more. 

You see, he was a quiet child and an outsider because of his autism.  Kids would call him names, spit on him, there was never a seat on the schoolbus for him.  But to know him, these mean people would have loved him. 

Diagnosed at Boston hospital, and receiving weekly counselling, therapy, and all the love we could give to a child.  Handsome, like the boy on Dr. Phil's show yesterday.  In fact, I literally bawled all night thinking of Neill and how like him this boy was. 

My husband has been a great support but he was at scene of accident 5 minutes after it happened on our little dirt road.  I could hear the ambulance sires, I called hospital and police station and they put me on hold.  When the police r=finally came to our door with the devastating news, no words could be said of that final painful moment. I think my heart just cracked in two. 

Our son graduated high school, and at time of accident, has enrolled for more courses at the community college, and also after 2 tries, got a license.  He was just a careful driver.  He worked part time at a market and was just the first smiling face when you went into produce. 

I think it's because the guys his age didn't understand him, that he got into a truck with a much younger and inexperienced driver who got into a dangerous situation from going too fast.  We always encouraged our children to buckle up, but in this instance the police said it could have saved his life if he wasn't buckled (ironic, huh). 

Someday the pain will subside, but what to do in the meantime. 

Hi Liz Marie: 

I read your message just after I wrote my own.    I lost my mom when I was 32/she was72.  Youngest of 15 children myself.  I understand your loss.  There are so many times that you want to just drop everything and call and say "guess what happened today".  For a while it seems strange. 

My mom had congestive heart failure too.  Not easy.  One day at a time.  Go with your feelings and don't be afraid if no one understands.  You have to feel what you feel. 

I think the talking of the past with her might have been a type of "venting"- you know, remembering, and wanting you to understand and remember along with her. It happens to people in this situation, and maybe it was her love for you that she was preparing you for what lies ahead.  

Don't it just irritate when people say the same things over and over.  They really don't know what to say.  And when they say I understand.  Unless you've been there, you can't really understand, right. 

As for friends, they are at a loss.  But cling to the precious children you mentioned and the loving man who is carrying you through this difficult time.  Teach them, tell them, love them, bring their granmother to their hearts on a regular basis.  You can do it eventually, just do it slowly, at your pace.  I firmly believe this to be true. 

Christy, it was so obvious how much you love Nick. I'm sure St. Jude's gave you lots of resources but I thought I'd share this one with you.  It has a Memorial Wall for people to honor their loved ones who fought against leukemia and other blood cancers. The home page is at https://www.maxaid.org/Default.aspx?trgt=home  

I wish that there weren't so many kids to write about on that Memorial Wall. For the sake of all those children, and for your Nick, I pray that the Memorial Wall will one day be a relic of the days before a cure. 

Lots of love to you and your family. 

Your message really caught my heart. I also feel the pain you feel. I lost my daughter to suicide 3-16-2004. I always wonder what I could have did to keep her alive. Right now I sit at this computer trying to find answers to the questions I have no idea I'm  asking. I just to want to know when this pain will go away. Or if it ever will. I have to try to find a way to keep going I have 3 more children to help thru their lose. Sometimes I feel like I have to fake it till I make it. And sometimes I wonder where I'm going to to make it. I'm so sorry for your lose and the pain you are going thru. I hope you find the strenght in you to keep going. 

I'm not sure what it is that i'm supposed write in here but i just felt a need to come and see and express myself about loosing a loved one. I'm a woman who's life was completely turned upside down a year and a half ago, loosing the love of my life in a way that still to this day seems so unimaginable. My soul-mate of a year and half had comitted suicide.It happened on a friday the 13th and the morning it happened we had an arguement concerning money and i left the house angry. He asked me where i was going and i was so angry that i simply said.."i dont know...I just don't know" and slammed the door behind me. I was not gone long(1 and half hours) and when i came home, after going to the public library to use the internet, I came back to find that he had hung himself. I have not been the same since that day. To this day there are foods i cant eat because he liked it , there are songs i cant listen too because it reminded me of us or him . I try to go on with my life and everyday it seems so hard to wake up without him and to lay alone everynight without him has been so hard. it has been only a little under a month that i have stopped crying every single day, everyday i cried, on the bus, at school, watching tv and at night when i go to sleep, that was how i would fall asleep. I don't cry everyday but it comes close. 

 I just can't seem to understand why? He left me no note or any clue.Did i say something , did i do something, what? and still i cant figure out why he left us. I feel like he gave up and he didn't love me or he loved me too much. Why me? Why did he feel like there was no way out. We were going to be ok, and the guilt of leaving that morning it is heavy to bear sometimes. People tell me "it's not your fault" but how am i supposed to believe that when i feel that i should have never left that morning. The worst part is that we barely faught in the year and a half we had been together, i can count on one hand the fighst we had. He was my absolute best friend and we did everything together. We were inseperable, the only time we were apart is whe i was in school and he would walk me to school and come get me after. We laughed together at the same silly things and we heard each other without saying a word. A simple look was all it took. I could never ask for more in a person than him. I was blessed our paths met and forever gratleful to have known him. 

We met the day before mothers day, two months after we moved in together, two months later we were engaged and he brought me to meet his family in Trinidad. We planned to move to Trinidad and grow old there. We knew we were meant to be together and there was nothing or nobody that could tear us apart. He was my knight in shinning armour and I knew he was the one.  

Just that week before his passing , we talked about getting married that summer in his homeland of Trinidad and we were to surprise his family and pay for their tickets to come. We were having money problems and it was going to be fine the following week (we were both going to recieve money), i know he always told people i was his backbone and without me he was nothing, and he alwasy told me that he loved me more than words can say. I loved this man more than anyhting i had ever loved before and my whole life i waited to meet a man like him and to have met him, loved him to have shared a life together is something i will cherish for the rest of my life.  

its been a long hard struggle every single day. I battled with thoughts of suicide on more than one occassion and yet i am still here. I don't know how some people do it but i want to say i am proud of u if your reading this and feeling what i am. I miss hearing that and "I love you". Sometimes it just feels good to hear. 

I really trying to get the words out on how I feel because like you it is so difficult to put our grief into words. I can't say I know how you feel cause I didn't lose my partner. I lost my daughter to suicide. She was having problems in her marrige and wanted a divorce from her husband. She called me and asked me to come up to Washington and help her I am from Oregon and I couldn't go because I have a 15 yr old son who is bipolar and was acting out. So I told her I couldn't come. 3 months later she was dead. I have beaten myself up over and over about my decision. I have did the if only so many times. It has been 2 years now. Now I try to be thankful that I had her in my life. Because like you I can't understand how she could have done this. Everybody has their reasons I guess. She also left behind 3 children. The pain that is left after someone commits suicide is sometimes unbearable at times. I took some advice from some one once and he said that our loved ones are now at peace and they have candles lit in heaven when they go out to play and our crying and sorrow sometimes put out their candles. I have to think that my daughter didn't mean to make me so sad. I got help thru and organization called the Survivors of Suicide because that is what we are. 

I hope you can find some peace in you grief. My prayers are with you.   

Thank you Linda. Oh my Gosh I am so sorry about your daughter, my friend had just turned 31...its hard to grasp that they are so young and hurts at the same time that they hurt this much and there was nothing that can be done. I have to agree with you, I do think that they get so tired of fighting to be happy that there is no fight left in them.  This has been a lot harder than I thought.  Everytime I've called one of his close friends to tell them I have to hear them break down and just breaks my heart even more. The funeral is tomorrow and I'm having a hard time deciding on going to the visitation, I want to be able to keep the memories I have him the way they are and not have the memory of seeing him like this. Am I going to go to the funeral though, I don't want to regret later than I decided against going. Thank you for responding, it helps a lot to know that someone understands how I feel. I am more grateful for you reading this than you can imagine.    Jessica