Topic : Overcoming Grief

Hi:  I lost a child five years ago and I'm still dealing with the lonliness and profound loss.  It will take you a long long time to feel like you want people around all the time.  This is new to you, and sadly, people do not know what to say, so they say nothing.  I find great comfort when I share memories of my son with other people- they do feel your loss, trust me, but for some reasons, we personally feel better in our safe little coccoon, until we can smile.  I smile, but it never reaches my eyes, like before.   Sad to say, you are not the same person and now you're living the "new normal" for you. 

Take your time, be good to yourself, and grieve now, not ten years from now because it makes others uncomfortable.  Be true to yourself. 

On Jan. 6, 2006 I lost my mother. I have four siblings although they are all close, I am not close with them. Since my mother's death things have become more strained among us. No one wanted to help with the arrangements, pay her bills, get a headstone, but they all want an original of the death certificate so they can get there part of the insurance money. I'm fed up and sad because my mother wouldn't want us behaving this way. I am the oldest, so the responsibility fell on my shoulders even though I did not want it. I loved my mother and I miss her but have been unable to grieve like I need to trying to keep my guard up. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. 

Thank you so much and I'm so sorry for your losses.  I can not imagine the loss of a child.  My heart goes out to you.  I am doing better right now, I'm trying not to focus on the negative that whirls in my mind, but focus on all the good memories and the good I still have in my life right now.  I still have my moments, sometimes more like days, but I am trying so hard to forgive myself for things I'm not sure even need forgiveness.  Things like not visiting as often as I should have, being too critical when I didn't know the full weight of all her health problems (I was terribly worried but I showed it by saying Mom you should do this or Mom make sure you eat fruit and drink water.....blah blah blah, Mom if you try to get up and walk a little you might not need the walker/wheelchair).......oh how naive was I.  It was so far beyond eating fruit, drinking water and doing laps!  Then there were her calls for pain medication right after I had my daughter by c-section.  They had me on pain pills but I would rarely take them because I didn't want to be zonked out.......my mom wanted some in the worst way and I refused her.  Now I feel bad because obviously she was in pain and also that was her only escape from her misery.  But my dad had told me she was getting worse with the pills so I stood firm and wasn't going to "enable" her.  Now I feel my high and mighty moral decision cost my mom a few hours, perhaps days of comfort.  I don't know, just a million things I can think of where I coulda, shoulda, woulda........ 

I will keep you in my prayers and thank you so much for listening and offering support to me during this time.  You're an angel. 

Oh Honey, I know the pain you're going through, I lost my mother December 6th!  And I have 4 siblings but they were not my mom's kids, they're my dad's from a previous marriage.  So of coarse it all fell on me, as my dad, God love him, did not prepare anything.   

 Although I went through something similar when my Grandma passed away in 1999.  She had 16 grandchildren and many great grandchildren, so after she passed everyone wanted a piece of the pie so to speak.   In your case, being that there are 5 of you, couldn't you all split the costs equally????  Or was it decided just because you were the oldest that you were responsible for all final costs???  That seems unfair.  I'm sure you already approached that?  Well what I would do, and I don't know if this is right or not, but I know how expensive these things are, so what I might ask of everyone is that after everything is settled with the insurance then perhaps they could all put in some money towards the final expenses.   If you think this is even worth it.  It may not be if it's going to cause a War.  No you're mom would not want that.  I am so sorry for you but you must allow yourself to grieve.  I understand with all of the arrangements and expenses and now your siblings it's hard to find the time, but you have to, in your own way.  Please let me know how you're doing, I'm here if you need to talk, I lost my mom one month earlier.   

Liz 

Your mother would be pleased with you and proud of how you're trying to hold all the things together.  I would suspect everyone is upset and you seem to be the strong one.  It's a new loss to all of you.  Had your mother been sick a while? 

You could suggest each sibling put the death certificate request in writing, addressed to you, or maybe they could just get their own copies at city hall.  If you're the executor, you do have some say in how things are done and how expenses are divided, and assets too.  Just a thought....... 

Take care if yourself. 

You said it all right. I feel so much better when I can share about my daughter, and by the way her name is or was, I'm not sure how to put it any more but any how, My daughter her name is Cindy! I don't think my eyes know how to smile. I want to see them smile and I look in the mirror and it just doesn't happen. The   really sad, sad part is it doesn't happen to my husband, or my son. We are all so sad and we pretend that we are happy but in reality we aren't.  I wish we could all spend some time just remembering Cindy but right now it seems like nobody wants to even talk. If you could give me some more advice or if we could just talk that would be great. And by the way  what is your sons name. Thanks so much!  Linda 

Hi blessme2, 

I wrote my story, My Courageous Son, right before yours.  It has not been 2 yrs that my 17 yr. old son, Nick, passed away from leukemia.  It is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.  When he took his last breath, I knew that he was happy, healthy and not suffering anymore.  For your son, no one is calling him names, spitting on him and I know there is a seat available where ever he wants. It does not make you miss him any less but sometimes when I think about him in that way it helps me get through the really bad days.  One thing that has helped me is that I stay involved with St. Jude fundraiser events and I also stay in touch with the parents that we met at St Jude. I refuse to let him be forgot.  I write and talk about him as much as I can whether people want to listen or not.  His high school has a fundraiser for St. Jude called "Walk for Nick.  His class also planted a tree at the school with a plaque in his memory.  Is there anyway you could get involved with some autism groups in your area?  I bet you would be a big help to some parents with autistic children and I bet they would listen to your son's story.  I know that everyone handles grief differently, I just thought I would let you know what I do to help get through the day.  I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. 

Christy Rudolph 

Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the first person to experience this, but I feel really alone. Unfortunately they won't even all agree to share the funeral expenses cost. The whole situation is really stressing me out. Everything can not be the end of the world, this is the time I thought we would all pull together. No one wants the responsibility, but everyone wants to criticize!!! I also work at the place where my mother passed away, and I am just not dealing well. I have a prescription for a nerve pill, but don't have the nerve or the funds to fill the script. So I keep praying and praying some more. Thank You so much for listening and responding. 

Laken 

Hi,  

No my mother had only been sick a very short while, and didn't really share with my siblings how sick she was. And she was very young. I hope and pray I'm making her proud. My mother asked me to take care of things if anything happened, and also expressed this request to other family members. If I hadn't promised her I would do this, I would have left soon after her passing. Instead of respecting her memory, I know they are taking their frustrations out on me, but it really stinks, cause It's like I lost 5 people instead of 1. On top of everything else, I don't want anything from her estate. All I won't is for her funeral to be paid for, and to know that everything my mother killer herself over will atleast remain standing. I'm not ready to move on, just move forward.  

Thank you