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Topic : Overcoming Grief

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

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tiffy9875
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January 28, 2006, 4:22 pm PST

please read : There is nothing i can say, but... quote on Dr. P

Quote From: baseball

My little girl was 23 yrs old. She had been diagnosed with bipolar. She had fought so hard to find happiness. She had attempted suicide 5 times in her short life.She finally had had enough March 16, 2004. She succeeded this time. She was a perfectionist. There were't very many people who truly knew her. She lived a state away from me at the time of her death. She left behind a husband (who she wanted to divorce), and identical twin girls age 6 and a little boy who is now 5. She had a full time managers job also. She had a full plate. She got really tired. this has really put a strain on the ones she left behind. I want to be angry sometimes. But I don't give myself the satisfaction. I don't know why. Somedays I'm afraid to feel I'm fraid I will fall apart. My family wants and expects me to keep everything running smoothly. You see they fell apart. I have 3 Boys. Every one of them have been suicidal since Cindy's death. My 23 yr old is currently in jail serving a 90 day probation violation sentence and has a hold from another agency.  My 18 yr old is always angry and takes it out on me. He asked me the other day if I would make him  an appointment so he can get back on meds for depression. My 15 yr old is currently in residential treatment for pouring gas on himself last month and wanting to set himself on fire. He was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My husband is now a workaholic. It seems like my family has just fell apart. The only safe place I feel I can talk about Cindy is on this message board. Nobody else wants to face her death they are all running from it. I choose to remember her smiling face, her laughter, the long talks we had on the phone. I want to remember all the good memories. Not how she died and the pain she was going thru to have done this tragic act. I also believe she is resting comfortly in Gods arms. Thank you so much for letting me get some of this out.  Grief is an overwelming emotion. Thanks again, Linda
 
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blessme2
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January 28, 2006, 6:15 pm PST

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: tiffy9875

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  It may seem odd, but there are things you are saying that will someday turn into good things.  Your daughter has a bipolar disorder and I've known people with that condition.  It's very hard to live on an emotional rollercoaster and I could only imagine the difficulty your daughter had.  It was not you that failed.  You loved her very much, and she loved you too.   

Your other children are feeling the same pain as you, and being so young, they are probably looking for some answers, which will come, in time.  Love them and they will come back to you, perhaps as wiser, more understanding people.  Just love them, love yourself, go day by day, and I know you will endure this. 

I hope you stay on the message board for a while, as I think you're special.  I was told by a dr. that I am a survivor.  Life is full of difficulties and you will get through this.   
 
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frani45
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January 30, 2006, 8:29 pm PST

broken heart

Quote From: heather175

God love you. What a heavy load you are bearing right now. I don't understand why or how people can place a monetary value on a human life. When not all the money in the world will give you the joy that your child can bring you there is no price tag to place on that. It really feels like nobody has to be held accountable for their mistakes as long as they have money to pay the right people. That's just ridiculous. How would you know any different than what the Dr. tells you? If he says your sons injuries are not life threatening then that's what you would believe. I'm sure you were there to comfort him & love him in the hospital, there is nothing more with in your power you could do. The Dr. failed, not you. You protected your son with all you knew & could.  

I don't think there is ever a way to overcome the grief of a loss. I think the best we can do is continue to to live to the best of our ability to honor those that aren't here to leave those impressions personally. You touched me with sharing the quick story of Nic. Of course I don't know all the wonderful things about Nic but I do know now that he must have been pretty great because you have shared a piece of his life with us. Even if it was the last part of it... it opens the door of a life that existed even if for only a short time. 

I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER GET OVER THE LOSS OF MY SON, I TRY EVERYDAY TO MAKE EACH ONE BETTER, IT JUST NEVER HAPPENS AND MY HUSBAND AND I BASICLY FIGHT ALOT ABOUT THIS, IT JUST SEEMS I AM FIGHTING ALONE, I HAVE ALWAYS HAD TO STAND UP AND BE THE STRONG ONE, MY ABILITY TO DO THIS NOW ISN'T THERE AND FOR ONCE I WOULD HAVE LIKED SOMEBODY TO BE STRONG FOR ME, FOR THERE TO BE A SOFT PLACE TO FALL AND FIND COMFORT, MY HUSBAND SAYS TO ME THAT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN THERE IS NO COMFORT FOR THIS AN DI GUESS HE ISN'T WILLING TO TRY, THANKS FOR YOUR KIND WORDS THEY TOUCHED MY HEART
 
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frani45
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January 30, 2006, 8:40 pm PST

BROKEN HEART

Quote From: tiffy9875

I TOTALLY UNDERSTEND ABOUT THE FAMILY FALLING APART, MY OTHER SON JEREMY WAS THE ONE WHO FOUND MY FATHER, IT TOOK MONTHS BEFORE HE FINALLY LET THAT EMOTION OUT, JUST LIKE HIS FATHER HE LIVES BY IF I DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, IT WILL JUST GO AWAY, HE HAD JUST STARTED GETTING THROUGH LOOSING MY DAD WHEN WE LOSS HIS BROTHER, HE STOOD IN THE HOSPITAL AND LOOKED AT ME AND SAID MOM IT WAS JUST STARTING TO GET GOOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO NOW? WHEN WE CAME BACK TO THE HOUSE HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID MOM IF IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEART HURT LESS I WILL TRY TO BE MORE LIKE NIC, I TOLD HIM I JUST WANTED HIM TO BE JEREMY.. I KNOW ALL TO WELL ABOUT THE HUSBAND WHO JUST BURIES HIMSELF.. IF MINE ISN'T WORKING HE HIDES TIL HE SLEEPS AND WHEN I FORCE HIM TO TALK WE ENDED UP IN AN ALL OUT WAR.. I HOPE YOUR REMAINING CHILDREN GETTHE HELP THAT THEY NEED AND CAN LEARN AND MOVE FORWARD TO BETTER PLACE,  I KNOW NIC IS IN HEAVEN AND HAPPY WITH GOD BUT I AM SELFISH I WANT HIM HERE WITH ME I MISS HIM SO DAMN MUCH HE WAS SUCH A CLOSE PART OF MY LIFE, BUT I NEVER STOP THANKING GOD GOR THE CHILD STILL HAVE, I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE SOME OF THESE PARENTS ON DR. PHIL A TRUE WAKE UP CALL ABOUT PARNETING, ONE THEY WON'T FORGET, THEY DON'T REALIZE HOW BLESSED THEY ARE
 
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buzmomof5
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January 31, 2006, 8:36 am PST

the loss of my son mitchell

I am mad as hell I lost my son Mitchell october 5 2005 and he shouldnt have died. 

 

 I took my son in for a retean toncelectamy and tubes in his ears and on oct 1st 2005 and then i found him past away on the 5th i still cant beleave it i look around and hope to see ia face and i hear is giggle my kidsa are having a hard time with this too . mi son dylan has gone into a blaming himself . he  has been put in a hospital do to depressed and then was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i have tryed to go after the dr and the hospital but i keep getting the same thing well if he would have died at the hospital then you could do something but because he died at home it my falt . how can it be my falt . my son Mitchell was downsyndrome and i asked the dr to keep him longer and he said ther was no reason to . night after night i sit and think what could i have dont doiferant why me i hate my self for letting this happen. i wish i new what to do how to get past this . i wish i could fing an atterney to handel this that had a back bone the ones here just keep turning me down . i want someone to be held resposable for my sons death . he was 9 years old and had no way to talk and tell me anythingwas wrong he couldnt tell me , i should have now there was something wrong why didnt i now. i call the dr and he called me back 3 days later and said that it wouldnt have made any diferants if he would have been in the hospital he would have died anyway there is nothing anyone could have done . this is wat i was told how rude.!!!   all i now is oi wont rest till someone pays for is death i will fight for my sons life now that it was taken way from him he should have had a long life and now he dont . 

 

 I miss you mitchell and i will keep you alive in my heart forever. when i look up to the ski i feel you kiss from the sun and i feel your tuch when it rains , i get a hug when the wind blows , but most of all i see you in my dreams. i keep going to and hope to make sure that no one eles goes through what i did over you . . .. i hate the man that took my son from me  i will never under stand   
 
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bambi13
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January 31, 2006, 2:12 pm PST

Too Much Pain

I have lost so many loved ones in the past few years, I don't know where I get the strength too carry on. I lost my husband first, I watched him die of cancer for a year.Tommy had a rare cancer that started in his nose.The doctors had to operate and took off the left side of his face including his eye, he was so deformed. He went from 330 lbs to 60lbs in 10 months. Three years afterTommy died my ex-husband (father of my children) died of colon cancer. This past year alone I have lost an uncle to copd and then two cousins, another uncle and my mother all to cancer. The night before my mother died , another cousin died in a automobile accident. I had to make funeral arragements for my Mother so it would not be on the same day. I don't know how much more loss I can handle! They say the good Lord does not give you more than you can handle. I pray he is going to give me a break real soon.
 
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frani45
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January 31, 2006, 4:00 pm PST

loss some one every way you can

I SIT I READ ABOUT HOW MANY LOVE ONES WE HAVE ALL LOST AND THE PAIN IT BRINGS, MY HEART IS WITH EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU, I HAVE LOSS A LOVE ONE IN EVERYWAY THAT YOU CAN, IN 1978 I LOST MY 1/2 SISTER DO TO A CAR ACCIDENT, IN 1980 WHEN I WAS 18 AND 6 MONTHS AFTER I WAS MARRIED MY MOTHER DIES OF A HEART ATTACT, IN 1986 MY OLDER BROTHER BRIAN WAS DRIVING CAB IN JACKSONVILLE NC AND WAS STABBED TO DEATH, THEY NEVER FOUND OUT WHO MURDERED HIM. IN 1996 MY OLDEST BROTHER BILL DIED OF AIDS, IN MARCH 2003 MY FATHER DIED OF A HEART ATTACT, AND IN APRIL 2004 MY 20 YEAR OLD SON HAD A CAR ACCIDENT AN DDIED UNDER THE LACK OF CARE OF CARDIACT ARREST, BECAUSE THE DR. NEVER READ HIS MEDICAL HISTORY AND DIDN'T TAKE WHAT WAS HAPPENING WITH NIC SERIOUSLY, 8 MONTHS LATER ON DEC 1ST 2004 MY OTHER OLDER BROTHER SHOT AND KILLED HIMSELF, I HAEV BEEN THROUGH IT ALL, AND NEVER EVER GET THE ANSWER I NEED, MY GRANDMA ALWAYS TOLD ME PUT YOUR FAITH IN THE LORD, I DO AND I HAVE.. MY HEART IS VERY HEAVY.. I MISS MY NIC AND I HAVEN'T EVEN SRATCHED THE SURFACE OF MY BROTHER TAKING HIS OWN LIFE, IF THERE HADN'T OF BEEN A NOTE I WOULD HAVE NEVER BELIEVED HIMTO DO THAT. HIS CHILDREN MADE A POINT OF TELLING HOW MUCH MY SON DEATH PLAYED INTO HIS DEPRESSION.. I GUESS HE FELT HE NEED TO GET TO HEAVEN TO NIC BEFORE ME.. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.. I BELIEVE IT IS ONE OF THE GREATEST SINS.. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH COUNCILING IT REALLY DIDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY I FEEL OR HURT, OR THE GUILT I CARRY ABOUT NIC, I JUST KEEP TRYING TO FIGHT THROUGH EVERYDAY, I ALWAYS TELL MYSELF IT COULD BE WORSE, THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WITH LESS AND MORE PAIN THAN MY OWN.. SOMETIMES IT HELPS SOMETIMES NOT.. I JUST KNOW I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME PERSON I WAS BEFORE I LOST NIC, THERE IS  A PIECE OF MY HEART MY SMILE AND MY SOUL THAT WENT WITH HIM.. HE WAS MY BABY... 
 
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blessme2
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February 2, 2006, 11:32 am PST

Overcoming Grief

I think I'm on the other side of the deep abyss of pain and sadness I felt a few years ago.  It's a different kind of pain.  And I think I'm a much wiser person.  When our son was killed it shook our whole community.  He left us with a lot of happy funny memories that helped with the anger and loss.  We all lose people we love, though I feel it is so unnatural to outlive the children we love so much.  Seems like a cruel, sick joke..  I had to let go of that anger though, because it would eventually just eat me up.  My son will be with me again, I know it.  In the meantime, love yourself and remember the good times.  Death has a sting, just a useless human experience to go through, but love can put a healing salve on those raw wounds, and eventually we can pass our knowlege and experience to others who are just beginning the journey.  I would love to hug all of you at this time.  So many of us are grieving.  Together we can be a soft place to land for each other.  I believe this..........
 
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baseball
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February 2, 2006, 12:12 pm PST

Finding myself remembering the happy times

Quote From: blessme2

I think I'm on the other side of the deep abyss of pain and sadness I felt a few years ago.  It's a different kind of pain.  And I think I'm a much wiser person.  When our son was killed it shook our whole community.  He left us with a lot of happy funny memories that helped with the anger and loss.  We all lose people we love, though I feel it is so unnatural to outlive the children we love so much.  Seems like a cruel, sick joke..  I had to let go of that anger though, because it would eventually just eat me up.  My son will be with me again, I know it.  In the meantime, love yourself and remember the good times.  Death has a sting, just a useless human experience to go through, but love can put a healing salve on those raw wounds, and eventually we can pass our knowlege and experience to others who are just beginning the journey.  I would love to hug all of you at this time.  So many of us are grieving.  Together we can be a soft place to land for each other.  I believe this..........
   Right now in my healing and grieving I am remembering more and more the happy times I had with my daughter. This is such a blessing to me. I just share this. This morning I woke up from a very nice dream. I dreamt that I went to this place I'm not to sure where it was and I had found a lot of my daughters clothes that she used to were and I was packing them up to bring them home with me. You see she lived in Washington and I live in Oregon when she died and I didn't get any of her belongings. I was so content with this dream. I was really upset when I wasn't able to get any clothes. I have learned to let go of the anger. I still cry sometimes but not every time I think of her. Now I am more content to get a sad movie and let go of my sadness in a different way. I know I cry over more things now cause I have a sadness about me more. I believe what you loving does us wonders.             Linda
 
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coltray
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February 2, 2006, 1:36 pm PST

Dealing with a suicide

Quote From: conniedobe

On May 10, 2005 my 39 year old son comitted suicide.  He had been incarcerated for 9 months and was depressed and the jail would not give him his antidepressant drugs or his anxiety drugs.  Consequently he began to loose hope and hung himself.

 

I had spoken to him just 1 hour before the guards found him.  I had a strange feeling, but did nothing about it.

 

I feel very guilty for not notifying the authorities, but my son had often "cried wolf" so many times.

 

I'm having a very difficult coping with my guilt and most of the loss of my first born.

 

 

I fully understand what you are saying January 8th the absolute love of my love commited suicide also.  He to cried wolf many many times and often just needed me to help him through it.  On Sunday i told him I couldn't help him anymore and this is when he did it.  I feel real quilty now because I wasn't there to help him when he needed me.  I just thought it was going to be another one of those days.  I have a hard time functioning during the day and was hospitalized once already.  He was my soulmate and we were just starting to get this together.  I told him that morning that I was going to move in with him and our life was set.  I don't understand why he chose that day to do it.  I am so confused and extremely hurt I am not sure how to deal with it. 
 
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