Topic : Overcoming Grief

  I have so much anger and hate for my mother, brother, and sister-in-law.  On the 26th of Jan. I lost my dad.  He was in the hospital for 28 days, and changed his will and left nothing to my brother, so on the day of my dad funeral he had a lawyer go in and change the locks on dad's home and claims that there was no will when in fact he know and told the courts that there was no will.  I know that my dad wanted me to have his home, but now his home has to be sold.  The courts all going with my brother and giving him everything.  I do not think I will ever be able to forgive them.  As for the woman that claims to be my mother.  She is now trying to put myself and husband in jail for the way we handled my dad funeral.  Just to let you know, dad's funeral was a full military.   

  

We had gone and got a lawyer that said he would take the case, but this afternoon we got a letter from him and he is no longer going to take the case.  So I guess that my brother and mother have finally won. 

  

So now how do I ever get over the grief of not having anything of my dad's.  That hurts so much.  I hope that there is someone out there that might be able to help me. 

  

mrsjah 

Hi, my name is Rosanne and I was reading some of the topics on the message boards and found your quote.  My daughter, Kylie Jewel, passed away June 24, 2004 of unknown cause.  She was 11 days old.  The doctors said they would have considered it SIDS if we had not been present at her death.  She was having some breathing troubles and we took her to  the emergency room where she went into cardiac arrest and passed away a few hours later.  They were unable to find a cause of her death.  It was probably the most devastating thing I have ever experienced.  Holding my baby as her heart stopped.  I tried going to Compassionate Friends once but never really had the chance or made the time to go again.  That one group was a really great release.   

  

I already had a daughter at the time, who is now four, and had my third daughter September 1, 2005.  We weren't planning on having another baby so soon but I guess things happen for a reason.  I have to say though, having my new baby has helped fill a hole in my heart.  She and my oldest daughter are the most amazing things in my life.  They bring me so much joy.  If I wouldn't have had my daughter Kira at the time I think I would be an absolute mess.  Knowing that I have to take care of her has kept me going.  I also feel sadness at the same time when I think about the memories we could have had with Kylie.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about this besides my husband who is wonderfully supportive.  I find memories of her dying creep into my mind every day and I fight back the tears.  I know the pain will never go away but I hope to cope better as time goes by.   

  

Thank you for letting me share my feelings with you and I hope to talk again to someone who knows!! 

my husband died 8-25-04 his mom made it out to be my falt we were not together he lived with her at the time she went home from work and he was on the couch shakeing he died 2 days latter with a bran anurisam we werent together because he loved to drank alot and we had 3 kids so i lift but we loved oneanther very much his mom was at our house with a cop to pick up a frizer she gave us 6 year ago we havent even put hem in the ground she also tried to clam hem on her taxes she told every body  how much of a bad person i was for liven her son if he could had sat up at his furianl he would have gave her a mouth full she hasnt even tryed to talk to her grandkids in 2 years so death brings the worst out in a lot of people sorry for your lose

my wonderful husband passed away two weeks ago today. it was completely unexpected, and is just devestating.  we were at work together, i left to run a couple of errands, and two hours later i got a phone call saying i needed to come home, and he was already gone.  he was only 43, and had just been to the doctor 4 days prior, other than pain in his back which they wanted to do surgery on to correct, he was a healthy active man, he was my best friend, he was my partner in business, he was my partner in life, we had been together for almost 9 years, and married for the lst 4 of them.  i don;t understand how or why he is gone, and what i am supposed to do with this great pain that is left.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Your story helped me better understand what my father has been going through all these years.  

  

In 1994, his son (my brother) committed suicide. He was 13, almost 14 years old. I have the hardest time telling people how he died, and especially how he did it. But, since it relates to your story I will tell you...he died from a shotgun wound to the head. I was told that he died immediately. Our dad found him several hours later.  

  

I had a good cry when I read your email. I think it was a sense of relief...relief that there is someone out there who can relate to what my dad is going through, and help me better understand it. I know how I feel, how I've felt...but I'll never know what a terrible burden he must carry for having been the one to find him that way.  

  

I've always found comfort in talking to my dad, because he understands my pain better than anyone else. My mom experienced her grief differently than I did. For example, the first year was the hardest and I experienced times of extreme depression to the point that I really thought I might go crazy...you know, beyond repair crazy. In a deep conversation, my dad asked me if I ever felt like I was going crazy. I probably yelled "YES!" because I was going crazy for thinking I was going crazy and he made me feel like it was okay to feel that way. Of course, it's not okay to feel like you're going crazy and I probably should have been in therapy and on meds but I was only 16 so I didn't know! But, hearing that did somehow make me feel better.  

  

It wasn't until last year (yes, 11 years after the fact) that my dad was told he suffers from PTSD. I'm so glad he's finally seeing someone and that he finally has a name for what he's been experiencing. 

  

Anyway, I didn't set out to tell you all of that but I wanted you to understand why I am so grateful to you for sharing your story. Hopefully by this you will know, and by the blessings you recieve, and may you recieve many! 

  

Grateful Griever 

Nothing good can ever come of a suicide, but if I'm able to help someone else survive that traumatic event, that's what I'll do.  There are times when I feel like telling certain people how Heather died is none of their business. Some people are just curious for sake of being curious & really don't care about the feelings of others.  Heather was a gun shot, small caliber hand gun, to the head however she lingered 2.5 days in the hospital. I can't imagine how your dad feels being the one to find his son in that condition. My sister found Heather & some people from the church cleaned up her bedroom before I returned home. That was a blessing for me, but awful for sis.  I'm glad to hear you talk to your dad because it is important for you BOTH to discuss you feelings & not try to pretend nothing happened.   I really believe talking to people about these events is the best therapy any of us can have.  Please feel free to discuss whatever you feel like on the board, or if you'd rather...email me.  It's in my profile.  Prayers for you & your family. 

  

Denise 

I feel compelled to share with you some of my own feelings.  My daughter suicided in 1992, so some think I should be "over" it by now.  Not happening.  Just yesterday morning I awoke with an anger beyond words & simply lay in bed yelling at God. Heather was 15, so my anger is more directed at a loving Father that watched her put that gun to her head & pull the trigger than at her.  Sometimes I am angry at her, but more often at God. I am a born again Christian, but I'm far from perfect.  Anyway, who better to forgive my anger than God himself.   Time does not heal all wounds, just makes them a little less raw.   John Walsh made the statement that every time he thinks his wounds are healing, something pulls the scabs off & re-opens.  That is more what is happening with me & expect so with you.  It is understandable that you try to defend him to other people, yet also understandable that you are angry with him. He was an adult, who gave him the right to bale out on you & your daughter, to leave you in such pain simply to escape his own pain. Suicide is the most selfish act that can taken & those of us left behind live with it's pain everyone waking moment.  It is good that you are able to let your anger out or else it will eat you alive. I have great admiration for Dr. Phil, but he is human & as such he is sometimes way off the mark.  There are situations in which we cannot decide how we will react when our emotions are involved. Maybe that's where suicide comes from, some deep well of emotion you & I haven't tapped in to yet.  But I cannot decide how I will react to the death of my daughter nor can you decide how to react to your partners death. We can decide what we will do with our lives, whether or not to allow our reactions to control our lives, but we cannot decide what our reaction will be.  I'm very sorry for your pain & hope I've been able to help you a bit here.   

  

Denise 

On March 2, 2006, my boyfriend and I found out we were having a baby. Needless to say, we were ecstatic. I had surgery in October of last year, and found out I have a very bad case of endometriosis. My Doctober had told me that I would more than likely need fertility drugs to conceive, and I would be lucky if I even did. Well, we decided to try on our own anyway. We started trying in January, and in February, I got pregnant!! Well, we weren't quite sure how far along we were, so after our first appointment, the Doctor scheduled an ultrasound for March 21. I went in, then had another appointment right after. Well, I did not receive good news. My baby did not have a heartbeat. At that point, I wanted to just die myself. We scheduled another ultrasound a week later, just to make sure, but the day before my ultrasound, I did start to bleed. Not heavily, but nonetheless, I was bleeding. On March 29th, I had a D&C done, however, they did not get all the fetal material. My Doc gave me pills so I would basically "push" it out myself then, which, I did. This is not fair. There are so many people who are able to have babies, and it's babies they don't even want. We want so badly to have a family, and this happens. Well, I just found out yesterday that I have a bicornuate uterus. My uterus did not form properly when I was in my mother's womb. I have a very high miscarriage rate (which I've now had 2), and if I am able to carry a child, would have a very high risk pregnancy, and could have some serious complications and consequences. I am so heartbroken and torn up inside. I don't know how to accept all of this and be okay to move on. I do pray every day, and obviously cry a lot too. I have this huge hole in my heart, and I want it to heal. I need some support and help. I watch Dr. Phil's show everyday, and thought maybe I could get some help here. Please, if you have any words of advice, or support, I would appreciate them...Thank you...M

Hi everyone - some advice would be greatly appreciated. Hmm...where to start

 

I have always been a person who handles stress by working through the task at hand and then letting myself panic and fall apart after everything is already over - thats how I handle it.   It has always worked for me, just to set my mind to something and overcome the struggle...I'm not sure this is working for me now.  I'm also a person known to be totally independent - however I do not feel safe enough to share my emotions...So I hold them all inside and walk around pretending to be okay when really I'm crushed inside.  I don't want people to know when I can't handle things.

 

I am a 4 year double-major University student.  Christmas was a flurry of emotions, I got engaged to my boyfriend and a good friend was killed in an accident.  In January I witnessed an attempted murder infront of my house, which was scary (and unusual for my area).  In Feb another family friend died.   These were things that bothered me, but I flowed ahead with schoolwork and tried to not think too much about it.  Things really stared to go wrong 4 weeks ago.  I noticed that I had pain in my tailbone - so bad that I was rushed to the ER twice.  I find out that I have cysts growing on my spine...There is surgery to correct it - but it is risky and takes a minimum of 4 months complete bedrest to heal.  Needless to say I'm terrified of the surgery.  Currently I am in massive amount of pain every day - I can't even carry around a bookbag without medication.   The surgery has been booked two days following my last university exam (which will be April 27th); and is coming up faster than I can handle.   I missed all of March because I was in and out of the hospital; and now that final examination period has started I'm hopelessfly far behind - I have 5 final exams and 3 papers to write in the next 8 days.

 

Not that I want a shoulder to cry on; but I need some words of encouragement.   And there is one more thing going on - when I got the information about the surgery my fiance left me - he said that he couldn't be here to support me through this and he just left.   I dont' understand how we had this perfect relationship and when I needed support (for the first time mind ya) he just vanished.  He just said he couldn't support me and left - and its been almost 4 weeks and I haven't heard a single word.   I'm so confused and hurt and angry.   We lived together (with his sister) and I was booted from the house; so I'm living wherever I can (sometimes on my university campus couches) and trying to manage all these things.  I have to plead food from people, and beg for places to stay (I have no money)...It is so humiliating I feel so needy.  And so hopelessly alone. 

 

I know this is a page for people experiencing grief....I feel that I should be.  My whole life disappeared - I mean we had plans for a wedding, we had pets, going to buy a car, I was healthy, I was a 87 average student....and in the past 4 weeks that whole life just dissappeared....and theresn't nothing really left.   And I look at my situation and think that I have lost so much - it feels like my life died and I'm left with something new - but something that I don't want.   And I'm so confused to how I feel....I want to finish school - but I'm angry at the deadlines; I want him back to hold me and tell me its okay - but I don't miss him;  I am terrified of surgery - but keep convinving myself its not actually going to happen (when it will).  Things don't seem to match up in my head anymore

 

And I can't stop lying...people ask how I'm doing and I just say fine - I pretend that everything is okay and I can't stop myself from doing it.   As the words come from my mouth I envision myself falling into that persons arms and crying and letting it all out...but that doesn't happen.   There are two different people inside of me - one needs help so desparetly but the other won't let it happen.  I'm trying to hold it together...but I feel like I can't.  And I"m so scared of what will happen if I let it out...let everything come spilling out.   I haven't cried, I haven't been anything but numb....I breathe so shallowly and sometimes just hold my breath until my chest hurts.  And I think that part of me that needs help just keeps getting ignored..I just swallow it and move on.  I'm scared that when school and surgery is done and I look at life I'm going to be crushed.   I don't know....I'm just scared. 

 

So any advice about what to do...I mean should I just keep plowing through pretending that I'm not hurting inside; and how do I start to change that now (i've lied to everyone, told them I was fine - they are all so proud of me and its all a lie)?  I just feel so disconnceted....like I need help but there is someone else in my body pretending everything is fine and forcing myself through each day.  Is it wrong to feel so numb but so hurt at the same time?  Please help; I don't know how much longer I can do this.