Topic : Overcoming Grief

I hope I can help but I don't know if I can. Your life kinda sounds like mine right now. It seems like life just keeps falling apart more and more and we are the ones that keep trying to find the new normal. We really want to act like we are not falling apart to the rest of the world but inside we are dealing with our own monsters and feel like no one cares. I do care cause I understand. Lately I have been dealing with my daughters children who have nightmares about their mom. My grandaughter Lizzy who is now six is remembering seeing her mom hanging in the shower. She says that she remembers her mom couldn't breath and told her that she loved her right before she died. My grandaughter says that she seen her mom die. I had to bring out pictures of  Cindy and try to help her thru it. She seemed better after that. That night she said she dreamed of riding on a unicorn. My sons are all dealing with it in their own ways too and they are not good. My 23 yr old is doing meth everyday and has a warrent out for his arrest he is looking at 2 yrs in prison. My 18 yr old is excelling in sports but is also sad and stressed. My 16 yr old is always angry and in turmoil inside. My husband has turned into a workaholic and is so tired all the time. With all that is going on makes me miss my daughter so much more but seem like there is never time to fall apart. It is so sad to watch what is happening to our family and know there is really nothing we can do about anything.I also feel like I lost all my friends because they didn't know how to deal with me. Missing the ones we loved so very much is overwhelming and really consumes our lives to a point that we don't even know what to do with ourselves at times. I am finding it hard to go on now too but we have to. I have also thought about suicide lately cause I am tired of the daily pain. I know that isn't and option cause my family would really fall apart and I don't think that they would ever make it. I have no words of wisdom for you. I really wish I did. I am here for you to talk with. We never get over the loses and time is all we have right now. You are in my prayers. I will check back to see how you are doing. Sometimes it takes me awhile cause of everything that is going on. I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL !!!!!  God bless and take care until next time,    Linda 

Hi there,   

On May 4, 2006 my father-in-law passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack at the age of 52. This was a complete shock to the entire family, and we're all really close. My FIL did everything for everyone, and was the first one there no matter what you needed. He was a listener, a giver and always said I love you. He was a big, happy man, who never hesitated to share what he had. A simple man of simple means.   

To say that our family has been rocked is an understatement. We're still reeling, even though we've gone into the world again. We're wrought with grief.   

This brings me to my fiance. He is, understandably, having a very hard time with this. He is, at this time, taking it the hardest. His sisters and his Mom have taken the steps and gotten the help they need at each stage of their grief, they're working to get through it, and have highs and lows. My Fiance is internalizing, and feeling low. He's alternately snapping and having bouts of sadness. I know these are all stages of grief, and that he needs to flow through them. I know he needs to deal in his own way, and that he will never get over this loss. I know that he's thinking of the children that his father will never see, and how his father won't be there when we are married. I know that he will work through and everything will fall into place as it should. . .but. . .  

I feel utterly helpless to help him in his grief. Should I leave him alone? Should I talk about his Dad? Should I leave pamphlets about grief around the house? Do I treat him like nothing has changed, that nothing is wrong? Or what can I do?  

I don't know what to do to help him know that brighter skies are ahead again. It kills me to see him so wrapped up in his grief. All of my instincts say to wrap him up and hold him tight. But he's pushing me away.   

I would love to hear from other spouses who have been in my position, how did you handle it? I know that there is no be-all and end all answer, and that what worked for you may not work for me. I guess more than anything I want to know that this isn't an unusual feeling. There must be someone out there who has felt the same.   

Thank you so very much,   

Jocee  

As an aside, I am actively seeing a counsellor and am attending a grief support group. I have my peaks and valleys, and work through them.   

Hi Conniedobe, 

      I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. I know about the guilt you are feeling for not being able to help your son. I just lost my brother who was 49. He also committed suicide, and we were very close. Given that fact, I still don't know why he didn't turn to me for help. I talked to him several times a day by phone and email. I saw him 2-3 times a week, so why didn't I know this was coming? We were both very depressed with reason, because we were seeing my mom going through radiation every day for 35 treatments. She also has emphysema to add to the problem. I didn't think too much about him seeming down, because I was too; who wouldn't be down when seeing their mother suffer. Bobby had many other issues to deal with, such as his 7 month old divorce, and his being out of work because of a pinched nerve in his neck, but I never thought he would do this to all of us who loved him so dearly, especially mom, who is going through so much. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that poor kid must have been in to take such a drastic measure without thinking of any of us or his 2 children who are 20 and 23. This is what makes me so sad to know how sad my baby brother was. It helps to get this out, and I want to thank all for listening. My prayers are with all of you who are feeling as I do. Thanks again! Dongy 

I am new to this board...I don't know that I have any advice but your story sure hit home...on March 19th I lost my Mom very unexpectedly.  She went out to eat with my Dad Sat. night......and was gone Sun. morning...she was only 59 it doesn't make sense...we think a heart attack took her as well...but we are not sure..  She wasn't sick...it just doesn't make sense.   

It's been a long and difficult road for us too...My parents were high school sweethearts..married for 41 years...it's hard...hard to lose  a loved one and hard to see the rest of your family in such pain and not be able to help them...while trying to deal with your own. 

I just found out that I am pregnant...and it pains me to think that my mom will never know my child...this would have been her 1st grandchild. 

I don't know how you can help your fiance...but I suspect you are doing more than you know just be being there...when my Mom died and all of my family and friends rallied around us to show their support it was huge comfort...and my husband was amazing and continues to be...just because he was there...with a hug when I needed it or whatever.  There is no fixing it....he is broken and will always be...but you are doing what he needs....it really is enough just to be there and love him. 

I wish you the best of luck and I am so very sorry to read of your loss.   

Hi Jocee,  

I can appreciate what you and your family are going through because I lost my husband to cancer suddenly a year ago. He was 52. I also have a daughter, 26, who was, thankfully, married two years before her dad's death.   

You come across as very thoughtful and logical in your thinking, very caring. The words that jump out and scream at me, however, are:  "His sisters and his Mom have taken the steps and gotten the help they need at each stage of their grief, they're working to get through it." Look at the date of the death, May 4, 2006! That is a little over 2 months. You don't "get through it" in two months. So I can only assume that the wedding is drawing close and you want your fiance to get over it and be his old self again. The truth is he will never be his old self again. He is, now, a man without his father. This has and will alter his life. I'm not saying that he can't be happily married or that he won't be able to express and deal with his grief. I am saying that you will have to accept your fiance as he is right now, for better or worse, or pospone the wedding until things are the way you want them. Otherwise, your fiance will sense the pressure to be "alright" in order to make you happy. That is something he just can't do right now. In truth, it may take a year to be at a place to be able to move on emotionally.   

If you find that you can accept things as they are now in your relationship, just be with your fiance, for hours if need be, ready to listen. Tell him you want to be there for him and encourage him to share when he is ready. Tell him how you feel and be sure he knows the pressure is off to be "OK." Meanwhile, you can read books on the subject of grief and marriage. Dr. John Gray in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, talks about how men go into "their cave" to process under normal conditions. All of what you will be dealing with is normal growth in a marriage plus the added burden of loss. If you can stand by him even when he pushes you away, you will have made a huge leap into the committment of a marriage.  

I wish you God's peace. I hope I haven't come across too harsh. I would like to be of help if I can.  

Thank you for your throughts. . .but I would like to clarify a little. I don't think I came across as well as I could.  

I did not mean to imply that his mother and sister are over their grief. Far from it. I was trying to establish that they are recognizing their grief and dealing day by day. None of us will ever be the same, I know that.  

My fiance and I do not have plans for a wedding. That's not on our plate, and probably won't be for a long time. I do not want him to get over this and be his old self, I know that will never happen again.  

I do not in any way want to push him through his grief. I know it will take a long time, if ever, until he is comfortable with his grief. I am willing to wait forever and do whatever it takes for him to find his peace with what has happened. If this never happens, so be it.  

Thank you for your last paragraph. It was what I was looking for. I want to be able to support him the best way possible. I just don't know how. I will get that book, and keep trying to let him know he has a safe place with me.  

If I need to carry him, I will. If I need to give him space half a world away, I will. No matter what it takes, and how long it takes, I will be there for him. I'm trying to find guidance in how to be the best support for him.  

Thank you again.  

I am also sorry to hear about your loss. I hope things bring peace with time.  

Thank you for your words and thoughts. Sometimes a reassurance is all we need.  

I wish you luck with your child. I've always believed that from a sad event a happy one follows. May this birth be that for you.  

Blessings.