Topic : Overcoming Grief

We are always glad to listen. You do need to keep telling your story often to as many people that will listen. Then after a while it sinks in to us what we are saying and what it means for us now. The blur and not being able to consentrate is living in shock. It is our natural defense system to handle the blows of life. Little by little we allow the reality of the pain into our lives to acknowledge what has happened in real life and what we can do about it now.

I was told I shouldn't make any big decisions, like moving, for at least a year. It is hard to think clearly before that for the reasons I gave above. Think too of your son, moving him from his friends durning his most vulnerable years. Instead lean heavily on your church. Hopefully it is a good one that would jump at the chance to help a widow. Don't be afraid to ask someone to be a mentor/big brother to your son. You won't be able to give him what he needs right now and that's OK. Ask the church to get a bunch of guys together for a work day at your house. Tell the pastor you can't even afford the materials. God doesn't get a chance to shine unless we ask him to.

Speaking of God, one of the first books I read when we first got the news of my husband's cancer was, Disappointment With God, by Philip Yancey. My faith was shaken and I wanted answers. Of course there are no answers this side of heaven but how we view God and the events in our lives makes a big difference in how we live life.

I didn't know nurses can stop brain anurysms! Go easy on yourself. :) My doctor, the same doctor that found my husband's melanoma and told my husband he was going to die, his wife developed tumors on her brain and had a slow decline to her death a few days ago. We really think these things don't happen to real people, but they do and this message board is proof of that.

I am so glad for your three years of happiness and that your last memories before your husband died was of laughing and joking. Cherish those memories. Write them down and thank God for them. No matter how long you had with your husband it wouldn't be enough. Find someone who will meet with you regularly to be your "wailing wall" I call it. That person is there just to let you cry and share so you are able to do that guilt free.

I hope something I shared will help you and that you keep coming back to share more of your thoughts and feelings with us.

God bless, Sandi

I am truly sorry for the loss of your son. Unfortunately you and I share something in common. My husband died May 10, 2003, and even though it's been 3.5 yrs., I'm still having a hard time dealing with his death, and trying to raise our 2 teenage girls. I do care, and now I will know that somebody else out there shares the same day, and similar pain. I say similar pain because I don't know what it's like to lose a child; but losing one's spouse is bad enough. My husband's death was also a suicide, and he was only 41.

Yours truly,

Laurie

I am so sorry for your loss and for the difficulties you are facing now. Even though the problems you face are hard they are very common. I am not an expert but I can share what I have observed in similar situations. You will see your mom all around and that's good but it is also painful. If the new woman were to come in and start removing things, erasing your mom's memory you would be even more upset! They may be trying their best to not upset you.

I had a friend who met a man four months after his wife's death and they started dating. When she went to meet the family they made their displeasure known and they stopped seeing each other. The man  remains alone today and the family is sorry for interfering. Men really feel the need to be looked after which is why I think they "jump" into marriage again. Women need emotional security which is why they shouldn't jump into marriage right after losing a spouse. Their decision making abilities is clouded by their emotions. 

It is true that it is hard for you to "grab" for your mother's things right after she died. You can though, go to your stepdad now and say you weren't ready before to decide what to take of your mom's but that now you would like to have.......and see what he says. You are right that you should move quickly because once the new woman is established in the home, everything becomes hers as well. Please don't be angry at them if possible. Your stepdad isn't forgetting your mom, he is just trying to make a life for himself now. Some of your anger will be just as a result of your mom being taken from you. By all means cry, blubber, whatever it takes, it's OK. In fact, the more you cry the better you will feel later on. Crying releases tension and helps you express your emotion in a proper way.

I lost my husband a year and a half ago. I would have taken an opportunity to meet, date and even marry someone, had the right person come along. It is much harder to do when you are older. So what I am trying to say is see if you could possibily find it in your heart to be happy for your stepdad and tell him so. The distance you feel from him could be you pulling away, not him. Or he may feel that you are not comfortable with his situation now and is staying away for your sake. I hope this helps you in some way. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. Sandi

Sandi ~ I want to thank you for your kind words and encouragement.  I too, am sorry for your loss.  I know that life is far too short for anger and resentment.  I suppose I will take things day by day, and continue to "blubber" when needed.

I believe that you are a very kind and sincere individual, and I wish you the very best life will bring.

tku again~

My mother died Oct. 30th 2006 of small cell lung cancer. She went into the hospital with pneumonia, and was diagnosed with the cancer on Aug. 30th 2006, at which time they did further test, and the cancer had already spread to a number of places throughout her body, but mom was a fighter, and she tried to beat the cancer, but she just couldn't. My mother made her wishes known that she wanted to be cremated, and that instead of a memorial service she wanted the family to just have a reunion at a later date, and remember her.  It's now been two weeks since momma died, and in the last week that I've been back home I have done nothing to get back into my life, and I don't know where to start. I feel lost and almost fearful of resuming my daily routine. I feel like I have lost the sense of who I am, I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I'm lost, and confused, and even though I realize all of this, and know I have to do something, but every time I start out to try to take care of the things I need to do, I find myself heading right back home. I actually managed to clean my car out today, and I realize that doesn't sound like much, but it was something. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to at least get one more thing accomplished. Tonight I just wanted to express what has been going through my mind, and get it out, so that I can make room in my thoughts. I know that I am not the only person who is going through the loss of a parent, or loved one, at this time, and I will say a prayer and ask that for all of us tomorrow let us continue to accomplish one more thing. I love and miss my mother with so much of myself it is hard to express in words my inner emotions, but I hope that maybe expressing my actions and thoughts, that maybe it will help me in coping with this. I just needed to vent. 

Thank You,  

     Carolyn

Carolyn,

I wanted to let you know how very sorry I am to hear of your loss...your words, I feel. Because you see I lost my beloved Mother in 2004...in my case this was...and still is the most difficult experience I have ever been through. She was my life..I basically lived for her and her alone. Especially since I am single with no children.

I cannot put myself in your place however, because each of us is experiencing our own pain. There was nothing in my case anyone could say or do to ease my broken spirit and heart. Even to this day and most likely for the rest of my life there will be a void in my life..not to mention  my heart...we did everything together Carolyn...it was like the movie "Driving Miss Daisey"...she did not drive so I drove her anywhere she needed to go...she also lived with me for the last 12 years of her life..so in a sense...I knew her unlike anyone else in my family. I live alone now..and still think of her every minute of everyday..I have pictures of her all over my house and often visit her little website I had set up for her when I made her funeral arrangement's. There is although one consolation for me Carolyn...and that is I KNOW that she is in a much better place and free of pain and worry..I know that we hear that all the time when our love ones pass on...but it is true my friend..please think of that..and also I know my Mom is watching over me..sometimes she even gives me signs..and sometimes things happen in my life that can be nothing but what I call a heavenly intervention. You will see Carolyn..maybe not today..nor tomorrow...but someday soon you as well will experience this. Especially if...and I believe you all were....very, very close. And also I had people tell me " it will get better with time" but I beg to differ..I believe you never get over it...but learn only to tolerate it.

So, all I can say to you Carolyn is please keep your faith strong..and remember all the good times with your Mom..the times you and her laughed and loved...I am sure..that not only my own beloved Mother but yours as well ...would want nothing else but for us to remember them with a smile on our face and love in our hearts..

I will certainly remember you in my prayers tonight..if you ever need someone to talk to Carolyn..I will be here ok?

God Bless You....

Emily