Topic : Overcoming Grief

Belvilma::    I know and am sorry for spelling your name wrong.  I am so sorry but, I feel that not only law inforcement was neglegant, but so was the hospital.  I recestly got my motorcycle licence and i know that I cannot be as safe as in a car.  But, your uncle seems to have not even got the proper care in the hospital.  Law inforcement needs to be called on the carpet for the rest.  I would find an attorney and take the hospital and law inforcement, and this joker driving the truck  all to court.  It will not brig your family member back, but atleast they will not get away with this, by sweeping it under the carpet... Good luck... do not let this go, when you feel strong enough to fight ... go for it .. my prayers out to you and yours.l  Mary ann

Heya,

Two months ago I lost my grandfather from mom's side. I have only known him as an ill man: he had parkinson's disease. His death was sudden, yet not unexpected, sad and not nice, yet somehow I was ok/ at peace with it. He was 83 years old. Now, I heard last week Friday my grandfather from dad's side has been hospitalised with several forms of cancer. He has long-, liver-, bladder-, prostate-, and possibly also bone- and abdomen cancer. And I am devastated. Up till some two weeks ago he was a very active grandfather... he and his wife often went to their trailer on a campsite, he could still drive, took computer classes and was just in the process of learning how to browse the internet. And now, all of a sudden, he is an ill man. The news devastated him. He is in the hospital during the week, being allowed a weekend leave, but he is terribly ill... according to my mom he is already turning a little yellow... And I am stuck here. It is just so hard to handle.. I do not want this to be! No one deserves a death like this, yet I know the word 'deserve' is misplaced here. People die, that's a part of life, but why in such horrible manners? Yet I know the question 'why' is the wrong question to ask. He is still alive, he is still there, yet it almost seems as though I am saying goodbye already, which is weird... I do not know how to handle this. I cannot ignore it, it is there, I need to overcome somehow, but I do not know how. I cannot concentrate, it keeps running through my mind, I need to write papers, yet all I am doing is playing silly computergames, since that is the only thing that puts my mind to rest for a while. I cry myself to sleep... I do not want this to be, yet there is nothing I can do to change it. He is still here, we did not get a prognosis, but things are looking bad. Now he is still here. My grandfather from mom's side, when he had passed away, had been put on his bed, so the family could come and say goodbye or something like that. He looked like a human being: a human being peacefully asleep. Yet, when my grandma touched him, he did not open his eyes and smile at her. He just did not react... he was dead... he did not react, yet he looked all too human. I do not want my other grandfather to die as well.. everyone dies, but some just die sort of unexpectedly. My grandmother from mom's side could die from a heart attack right now, or tomorrow, any time. Yet somehow that is different from my grandfather who was diagnosed with cancer. Why does his condition worry me more than my grandmother's? I do not understand. How am I ever going to come to terms with this? Probably that happens naturally....

He looked oh so human, yet did not react... it hurts like hell.

Sorry for the depressed message.

Hoppe

This is my first message, so I not sure where to start, but this is my story.  My mom and i were very close, even if we lived miles apart we always called each other every week and talk for 2-3 hours.  We could talk about anything.  On February 23,2003, just about 1 hour after she turned 57 she was gone(she had a bad heart since she was 39).  I was suppose to go see her that Saturday, but a snow storm kept me away and decide to go the next day instead, but she died that night.  The sad part, no time to say goodbye, it happened so fast, so unexpected. Since then, my life hasn't been the same.  I'm the only girl in the family, i have two brothers, they also live miles away and don't really keep in touch, maybe every 3 months i get a phone call. I was so used to those calls from her and now nothing, after almost 4 years i still miss it, i miss everything about her.  There is not a day that goes by that i don't think or talk or look at her picture,there is not a week that i don't cry or at least have misty eyes.  The only one that knows how much i hurt , is my husband, he's very supportive and never says anything he lets me get it all out and gives me a hug when I'm done.  My problem is, at the beginning it was a natural way of grieving and was thinking that with time it would get better, but almost 4 years later and still not a whole lot better.  Now, when i feel sad about my mother, i hesitate to cry or say something in front of my husband. I don't want him to think i cry for my mommy all the time( i am 44)so i wait till I'm alone now.  Does it ever get better, does it ever stop hurting?  Is normal to still want her back so much?  I need to find someone else to talk to, but i don't have any family, so maybe someone out there can help me ease the pain.  Thank you letting me cry again 

Hi Rayna,

Today I was able to remember what it felt like to be happy with my husband. The fun we had on trips doing the things we loved to do. It was a lightheartedness that I haven't felt for awhile. It's like my mind just opened up.

That was cool about Kayla. She sounds so mature! I am glad she has you to talk to. Sounds like you had a great time. I don't know how you can focus on the day that Justin died each month. If I dwelled on the 26th of each month for the past 17 months I think I wound go nuts! Do you make yourself think about him for fear of forgetting him? I do remember thinking about the anniversary date a few times though but then the busyness of life took over.

I am going to have to go to bed - I keep falling asleep! I will probably email you tomorrow.

Hope you have a great and restful weekend.

Sandi

In Aug of 2005 I lost my sister to cancer.I watched her pass away in front of me and to this day the fear of dealth wont let me go.At night as I sleep I wake up saying I have to die I have to die too.The fear is so big it consumes me.I heard the last breath she gave and i will never forget it.

I know we all have to die.I hear well its a part of life,its this its that.But its also scaring me alot.if someone sees this posting Id sure like to know if its just me that feels this way?I watch tv dealths western people being shot last breath but when its staring at me and i mean her eyes were on mine man thats just somthing else alltogether.I have never talked about it because if I just say to someone that dealth scares me all I hear is OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE.Ya like thats gonna help me NOT.well anyway also if someone can at least read this and have felt the same then please  tell me.thanks Dr phil for this site.kat:)

Dear Kat,

I have been present for two deaths in my family (so far); my husband in July of 2005 and his mother a couple of years earlier. They both died of cancer (melanoma). My husband died in his sleep but we were both there for his mother's last gasps of air. It is strange to be so close to death, the moment they pass from this life to the next. And for you to watch your sister, who was probably young, die so early in life must have been really hard. That is what gets our attention; dying isn't just for old people. My husband was 52 yrs. old. We think if it could happen to them it could happen to anyone. And then our mind takes the next step - what about me? When is it my turn? Don't worry, you're not the first one to have that thought. Just today I was feeling like it doesn't matter what I do, I'm just going to die anyway. True, we are all going to die but I think I felt like I would have more control over where and when.

There are no guarantees or contracts to fulfill first. So we have to be ready to go as much as it is possible. For me, having Jesus Christ in my life helps me not only be ready, but not be as fearful as well. I don't mean to be preachy but it is true! Since Christ conquered death there is nothing to fear. I would just hate to leave those I love behind. That is what keeps me going.

Have you figured out why you feel "you have to die"? That would be a good place to start.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  As someone who has worked for many years in the criminal justice system, I know how often that sort of deplorable oversight happens.  The system is simply not equipped, through resources or staff, to handle the mental and emotional needs of everybody in it.

Please know, too, that you were not responsible for notifying the authorities.  Hindsight is 20/20, and I'm sure you believe the signals were much clearer than in fact they were.  Also, most correctional facilities have clear policies on suicide watch and prevention.  It is likely that if your son had asked for help, he would at least have received monitoring to prevent him from acting on his mood.

None of this helps, I know.  But please know that at least one person read your post and is pulling for you.  Please be kind and patient with yourself.

sorry it has took so long to reply i have been a little busy. I guess that right now i am going on as good as i can, and your right my little bundle of joy is the reason i am still here. I am still having a hard time coping with the loss of two very important men in my life. I can see a comercial on the television, like the one for the alzimers medicine with the elderly man and his daughter, and cry. that comercial is the hardest because the man reminds me of my gpa. heck i cried at the Thanksgiving day parade. It is coming in waves and i don't know when or where i am going to be when i start a crying jag. but at least it isn't happening when my daughter is around.  well i need to go for now

thank you

sonia