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Topic : Overcoming Grief

Number of Replies: 1337
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

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August 26, 2005, 12:03 pm CDT

When....

Is it over really?  I am coming up on 1 year anniversary of my Father's death Sept 02 and this year actually has been quite a growing experience for me.  For the better....Sounds weird but true...Is there a line you cross or a magic bullet or a siren that goes off because of so much anger and rage that I have since let go of now if he wasn't dead I would have killed him....Does that make any sense?  He was not a kind man at all he did bad things really bad things to my older sister which totally disgust me...He beat my brothers....he tried doing very bad things to me but mostly he emotionally harmed me.....I remember going in the basement and covering my ears and rocking and wanting to just disappear.  Now all I want to do is well I cant even type it because quite frankly the moderators might have me committed and lets just leave it in my mind...Am I overcoming grief or a terrible father who did terrible things to his children and now a year later now I know he is really dead and not coming back do I feel safe enough to finally talk about it.  My poor mother if she only knew.  She has lived a lie her whole marriage and I cannot OUT any family member who is not ready to deal with there issues.  I have been dealing with mine my whole life.  14 years of therapy 2 phychwards 2 drug rehabs.  On my last phychward I couldn't believe my parents my father especially didn't want to come...He was still able to get around walked with a cane I guess he figured his JIG was up this should of WOKE MY MOTHER UP...what the hell was wrong with her?  WHY DID SHE ALLOW MULTITUDE LEVELS of abuse in our home? WHY?  PLAYBOY SWANK MAGAZINES around the toilet bowl with small children in the House IS a form of abuse.  That is what a THERAPIST TOLD ME!
 
August 27, 2005, 8:35 am CDT

RE:

Quote From: bubspeanjo

Hello Nancy.  I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  I too lost a child to SIDS.  Our daughter Carlie died of SIDS on April 25th, 2000.  She is a twin.  Her twin brother will be starting kindergarten in about 3 weeks.  You are right, the pain does lessen, though I am having bittersweet moments with Cody starting school.  Buying school supplies for my surviving twin was exciting, but hard at the same time because I know I should be buying for 2. 

 

Where do you live?  I live in Ft Worth Texas.  Have you heard of SIDSFamilies.com?  I frequented that Yahoogroup for a long time.  I recently unsubscribed from the group because I have gotten to a better place.  It was hard for me to offer support now that life is finally getting to a stable place and the overwhelming saddness is not around as much.

 

I have also had another little girl.  She is 2 1/2, will be 3 on 11-2-05.  She was very much our healing baby and really helped our grief. 

 

I was very much into spreading SIDS Awareness and making sure that the average person knew about Back To Sleep and that SIDS cannot be prevented, but now I kind of feel like, my baby is gone, why should it be my job to make sure others try to reduce their risk to save their babies when they won't listen to me?  Do you ever feel like that? 

 

I keep in touch with a group of girls I met online in a Babies After SIDS group, and we don't talk about SIDS much at all.  We talk about our babies, but not that they died of SIDS.  I hate SIDS and I hate what the media has portrayed it out to be.  I hate that many people think SIDS is abuse or murder. 

 

What sort of relationship do you have with First Candle?  Tom Harris, the current president of First Candle was president of the Local member, the Alliance For Infant Survival, here in DFW. 

 

Well, I just wanted to say hi and let you know there is another SIDS mom that reads these boards.  I too haven't posted much so I am pretty new to this.  I hope to talk to you soon.

Hello Carlie ~ Thank you for your reply, it is good knowing that I am not the only SIDS parent here; however I am sorry to hear of your loss as well! And yet good knowing that you have other children as well. For myself, having other kids help to keep my world spinning, if you catch my drift.   

   

I live in Northern Georgia; on the boarder of Chattanooga, TN. I was born & raised in Orlando, Fl & moved up here when my first son was 2 weeks old in 1995....on what was suppose to be a vacation & we decided to stay here lol. It was a bold move, yet a blessing in my life. We love it here. I am married, going on 11 years. And I have two other boys (my first two) who are now 9 & 10 years old.    

   

Yes I have heard of SIDS Families, Back to sleep campaign & First Candle. In fact I was a member of SIDS Families years ago & know of Lydia, the founder. I personally am the founder of MAD AT SIDS Organization & on-line support group. It originated as a support group in memory of my son Baby Jack in May of 2002. A little over a year ago we became a legal organization, offering additional services to the public. I have still not reached all of my goals with MAD AT SIDS (Moms And Dads Against The Sudden Infant Death Syndrome); as we have many plans for our future; as well as the SIDS community as a whole. You are more than welcome to join our on-line support group. Here is a link provided to our forum if interested: http://xsorbit28.com/users5/madatsidssupportgroup/index.php  

   

I do understand your personal frustrations in regards to SIDS awareness! As a moderator of a support group, I have found a lot of struggles with keeping above water with SIDS awareness! The general public is so clueless about SIDS. And you are very right about the ignorance some people have regarding SIDS! Anything from vaccines to being poor....and with SIDS being so taboo still today, it makes it even more difficult to accomplish my goals. However, I do feel that through it all, so long as my message is based in voicing my feelings in memory of my son, then I feel it is worth every ounce of energy I put into it!!! I also feel that if everyone pulled thier weight (which many don't even try) then we would accomplish this easier & faster. Changing the results of SIDS (as far as it being taboo) is one of my main goals in life. I feel that my son Jack has a purpose in life & if this can be one of them then what a wonderful thing that will be!  

   

Well, that is all for now, but I do appreciate your replying! Sorry it took me so long to reply to yours. Take care & God Bless!  

   

   

   

   

 
August 27, 2005, 11:23 pm CDT

Still Grieving Over Divorce

My husband and I divorced three years ago.  He kept custody of our child.  Several months after the divorce, my ex-husband nearly died of a heart attack.  I returned to him and told him that I still loved him and to take care of him and our child.  We reconciled our relationship.  After several months of living together as common-law marriage, he urged me to move out after a heated arguement.  Several days after I moved out, I discovered he had a girlfriend.  I was devastated.  I became physically ill and lost over 60 lbs. along with my job.  I left town for several months to live with relatives.  I sought counseling and turned to faith to cope with my pain.  After several months, I returned home to rebuild my relationship with my child.  After a couple of months returning home, my ex-husband and fiancee broke up and we began a new relationship together.  A few months into this relationship, he returned to his fiancee.  My heart was broken and I suffered a nervous breakdown. I once had a close relationship with our child, but now we don't see much of each other.  I pray, go to counseling and have joined a fitness club.   It's been over a year now and I am still trying to put closure to this grief.  I want to reclaim my life and my relationship with my child.  

 
September 1, 2005, 6:49 pm CDT

hey everybody

Dont know if anybody noticed or not but, i've been gone for awhile. Computer  was brokefor almost a month! I live in a little Texas town right outside of Houston so, I've been going 90 to nothing trying to pack up and deliver donations for our neighbors in Lousianna who just got whallopped by Katrina. Gotta go, hope everyone is doing well!!
 
September 2, 2005, 9:39 am CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: micorazon

My husband and I divorced three years ago.  He kept custody of our child.  Several months after the divorce, my ex-husband nearly died of a heart attack.  I returned to him and told him that I still loved him and to take care of him and our child.  We reconciled our relationship.  After several months of living together as common-law marriage, he urged me to move out after a heated arguement.  Several days after I moved out, I discovered he had a girlfriend.  I was devastated.  I became physically ill and lost over 60 lbs. along with my job.  I left town for several months to live with relatives.  I sought counseling and turned to faith to cope with my pain.  After several months, I returned home to rebuild my relationship with my child.  After a couple of months returning home, my ex-husband and fiancee broke up and we began a new relationship together.  A few months into this relationship, he returned to his fiancee.  My heart was broken and I suffered a nervous breakdown. I once had a close relationship with our child, but now we don't see much of each other.  I pray, go to counseling and have joined a fitness club.   It's been over a year now and I am still trying to put closure to this grief.  I want to reclaim my life and my relationship with my child.  

Please do not think that I am being mean,but one has to wonder if you continue to punish yourself because of your child. I also wonder if you are trying to avoid a relationship with your child because you would be obligated to see your ex. It is completely understandable that this would scare you and make you wary of returning to that kind of self punishing environment. I only feel free to say this because I have three children that I do not have a good relationship with for that very reason. As for reclaiming your life I think a big step would be to forgive your ex and allow yourself forgiveness for not being able to cope with this traumatic event. If you can forgive yourself, your child will too. 
 
September 9, 2005, 3:52 pm CDT

best friend

on April 29, 2004 my husband of 29 years passed away from congestive heart failure.  I has been over a year and it still feels like it was yesterday.  Even though I have gone back to work and keep busy with my children and granddaughters I feel alone.   

We were so close we were always together when we were not working, we would go for long walks before he fell ill, go shopping and just sit at home and talk.  We hardly ever fought and was happy just being with each other.  To make matters even worse his family has turned their back to me and have shut me out of their live for the most part.  My husband was the oldest of 10 and to the roll of dad when his father died at age 52 for a truck accident.  He raised his youngest 3 siblings and was the glue that kept his family together.  I think that maybe they don't know what to say or do with me but I am not sure. 

Some people think that I should be over the greiving part by now and sometimes I think they are right but not sure. 

I sure could use you advise and support 

signed lost heart 

 
September 10, 2005, 10:47 am CDT

reply on daughter's death by jawwhitman

Although your story does not show up on screen, I lost 2 daughters at the ages of ll yrs. and 8 yrs. old. There is no other loss so painful as that. After my children died, I lost a brother, 2 sisters, the father of my children and my mother. I am in so much grief that I don't know who I'm grieving. Sometimes I feel that this pain will never go away. I can sure identify that it numbs you so you don't have to feel the pain. It seems that if you let yourself feel, you'll go mad. God bless, I wish you the best.
 
September 11, 2005, 5:10 am CDT

My mom and her passing

My mom dies about three years ago, but I still feel like I lost a big piece of my life.  I went to grief group counseling and it helped.  I feel even more isolated.  My mom died within a short period of time and when she was gone I thought I had to be tough for my dad.  I have never really talked to anybody about my mom's death except in grief group counseling and I want to.  Since my mom dies and I don't have many friends.  Certain feeling have been going out of control like I have always felt like I wasn't worth the interest to know me.  I have no self-esteem and feel I am here to help other people.  I can be my worst judge and put myself down all the time.  I find I am hopeful and positive with others, but I call myself ugly, fat, no good, and not even a person (a thing).  I don't remember a time when I even loved myself.  I remember times when I got told what was wrong with me and that was alot.  I was either to loud or to dumb to know how to do something.  When I became an adult, my parents and sisters told me to forget what was said and be positive.  The only thing was I don't know how to be positive when I haven't done anything right.  My mom could be hard on me at times, but she was loving alot of the times.  She made me feel like I was a person, and now she is gone and I am alone.  My mom would say to me about something I should try to do, but in the next breath tell me about something that was good about myself if I only tried.  

  

I keep hearing my parents voice in my head telling me if i didn't change my ways nobody would love me.  I guess I believed it at twelve because I never really saw myself with a man in my life or being marrried with kids.  All I know at forty-something I want to see my mom again and think about going to see her any way I can.  Of course, my dad is still alive but sometimes it seems that he doen't need me either.  I guess nobody needs me or wants me.  I don't have control of my feelings and they keep going up and down.   

 
September 12, 2005, 5:57 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: darcybird

My mom dies about three years ago, but I still feel like I lost a big piece of my life.  I went to grief group counseling and it helped.  I feel even more isolated.  My mom died within a short period of time and when she was gone I thought I had to be tough for my dad.  I have never really talked to anybody about my mom's death except in grief group counseling and I want to.  Since my mom dies and I don't have many friends.  Certain feeling have been going out of control like I have always felt like I wasn't worth the interest to know me.  I have no self-esteem and feel I am here to help other people.  I can be my worst judge and put myself down all the time.  I find I am hopeful and positive with others, but I call myself ugly, fat, no good, and not even a person (a thing).  I don't remember a time when I even loved myself.  I remember times when I got told what was wrong with me and that was alot.  I was either to loud or to dumb to know how to do something.  When I became an adult, my parents and sisters told me to forget what was said and be positive.  The only thing was I don't know how to be positive when I haven't done anything right.  My mom could be hard on me at times, but she was loving alot of the times.  She made me feel like I was a person, and now she is gone and I am alone.  My mom would say to me about something I should try to do, but in the next breath tell me about something that was good about myself if I only tried.  

  

I keep hearing my parents voice in my head telling me if i didn't change my ways nobody would love me.  I guess I believed it at twelve because I never really saw myself with a man in my life or being marrried with kids.  All I know at forty-something I want to see my mom again and think about going to see her any way I can.  Of course, my dad is still alive but sometimes it seems that he doen't need me either.  I guess nobody needs me or wants me.  I don't have control of my feelings and they keep going up and down.   

I'm not sure if what I am going to say will be of any help or not. I am having a rough time lately and it makes it hard to think. I really understand you wanting to see your mother any way possible. My father passed away 20 years ago, and I still want so desperately to talk to him. Sometimes when I am alone and have a bad day I beg him to talk to me, from the afterworld if it exists. I want so badly to see a ghost, as silly as that sounds. I want proof that there is an afterlife. Anyway, please do something for your self esteem. You deserve to feel needed. Have you ever thought of joining a church group? I personally do not belong to one, but I have several friends who are very deep into the church, and they pass along their love and support wherever they go. A nice church can definately make a person feel needed. Maybe I should join one too.  

I really wanted to say more to you about this subject, but please forgive me for not being very well this evening. You take care. "Talk" to your mother, I believe she can hear you even if you cannot hear her. You are needed, sometimes people just have a funny was of showing (or not showing) it.  

 
September 14, 2005, 9:20 pm CDT

lonely and lost

I lost my husband of 30 years a little over a year ago to a freak accident.  He was only 47 years old,  We dud everything together.  For the most part he was a very kind and gentle man.  I found out  a couple of months after he died that he had a secret life and for many, many years.  He was going to web sites stating that he was a gay single guy looking for a good time.  He would act depressed, defensive when I asked questions.  The checkbook was never balanced.  He would get lost when we went on vacations or go on errands.  But I thought marriage was suppose to last forever and he said he wasn't having an affair.  Just sex is what I later found out.   I have such an anger and don't know how to get past it.  I have moved on with my life.  Luckily I was always very independent but I do miss the hugs, the company and the caring love he showed once in awhile.   Spoke to a therapist, they say move on, get over it but how do I do that without confronting him and letting h im know how I feel.  Yes, I even tried psychics but is that for real.  Any help would be muchly appreciated.  I did talk to Bonnie Kaye,  I guess this is a common occurrence but I didn't know about it,  Thanks for listening. 

Michelle 

 
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