Topic : Overcoming Grief

My grandmother would be so upset at me if she were alive today. I lived with her most all of my adult life. After I lost her to a rotten stroke it was just me at her home doing all the selling and cleaning up. Both of her son's which 1 lives out of state and the other 2 hrs away never helped me once after they left from the funeral. I had been on social security for OCD, but was also capable of being in very nice relationships with a few gals from time to time. Zoloft gave me my life back when I started on it back in '98, the year I was on ssa ssi disability. I loved my grandmother and she probably is the only woman who really ever loved me. I miss her very  much and now I have to go on.

2 months after my grandmothers death, I was fishing in the ocean with my dog and succomed to a heart attack 4 miles out in Monterey Bay. Thank God, i was able to walk off my boat after they rescued me and the ER Doctor used clot busters and I lived. I've been fine ever since then and 2 weeks later moved to Alaska, where I have always wanted to be because I didn't want to leave my grandmother at 93 yrs of age. Yes, i did a good thing by sacrificing most of my life to be near her as I was the only one she had and she loved me and my dog. I do feel somewhat bad that I never did get on my own in the high price of rent district of the silicon valley and sometimes didn't feel very good about myself  contributing to the domestic product.

Just 2 days before it was time for me to head north and after the sale of her home I purchased a new truck for my trip and one that would most likley last me the rest of my life. It was a 2004 F250 Crew cab lariat FX4 diesel. Leather heated seats, and by His Grace, i was able to have a nice camper shell put on 1 day before I left. that in itself was a miracle as they knew I was leaving and they just so happen to have the manufacture making the very same shell for someone else and they sold it to me. I hadn't asked them to but it all worked out great. That was pretty unreal to even have a manufacture in the same city as the dealer otherwise one has to wait for the shipment to come in.

I've never been in the position to ever afford a top of the line rig and especially pay $43,000 cash. I felt like a Major League Baseball player being able to pay for anything he wanted. It sure felt awesome to be driving that truck home for the first time. Anyway, after I arrived in AK, i soon had engine problems. 5 leaking injectors at 7k miles, it needed new rotors at 27k miles and I was 600.00 behind in my checking acct. after 2 yrs. I traded away my truck for a new GMC and with 3 grand back from the dealer so that patched up my checking acct and I paid some bills. My income for the two years was mostly 550.00 per month until the last 8 months, then it went up to 985.00 It just wasn't enough to live on with rent, ect.

How I ruined myself was because I truly love to fish and wanted a boat to fish the rivers. You can't really fish from shore for King salmon on this river. It's just too strong and the fish are world class. Plus you don't see anyone fishing it from shore. Not for 90 lb kings anyway. So, i was really wanting to get me and my dog back in a boat so we could enjoy fishing together so I traded away my new GMC truck that I had traded for the Ford, and got into an older Ford with 6k back to buy me a decent used boat. I couldn't find a decent boat for those 2 weeks and also found out that the old ford I was now driving got about 8 miles to the gallon. I couldn't handle that so I got rid of that and then ended up trading that in. and though I would just forget about a boat. I felt having good transportation is better than having a boat yet it was very hard for me to change my mind about not getting a boat.

So, I had about 10k in my trade in plus another 5k and I then went from owning that once new ford to making payments on a 10,800 auto loan and got back into a nicer GMC pick up. Nicer than the first one. I drove home and totally forgot that with my income that I would have to have full auto coverage and then realized I couldn't even afford to drive it. all of my 985.00 would take me right down to having 0 spending money and not even enough money to fill the gas tank up. I kept this truck 2 days then turned it back in. Got a used suburban, and sold it to a dealer, got my 10 grand and bought a boat for $5,500 before I bought a vehicle I was so disgusted.

I'm now driving a pick up with scratches on it, a busted winshield and look like someone who is living in the poor house. Plus, i'm making pmts on this truck for 175.00 per month for 2 yrs. I went from riches to rags in a matter of 5 months. From a top of the line vehicle to a piece of crap. It runs good everyday but a far cry from what I was driving. I'm on ssa and my debt to income ratio prevents me from even qualifying for a 20,000 loan. I'm thinking of moving to a big city and try to get off this ssa stuff and try to have a life again.

I would do anything to get my truck back. I will probably never again be in the position to drive in such a nice truck again. My truck was beautiful and everybody looked at me where ever I was at. Not that I even thought about attention but it did feel nice giving an impression that I might be half way doing something right in my life when driving such a nice rig. I know it's who we are inside but for the simplicity of it all, everyone would like to drive a nice new car or truck they couldn't afford if the chance was given them. For months now, I have felt like part of me is missing and it's the truck that my grandmother had allowed me to get into it. I have been so disgusted and upset since last year and I have realized that nice things are nice, they are not to be your god, but i am so disgusted and upset with myself. All for a stupid boat and fish.

I'm conscience every day, almost every hour of what im driving now. The vehicle i'm in now has 247,000 miles. how could I have done this too myself. Maybe cutting off my zoloft because of side effects may have interupted my thought process and with all my heart meds. I don't know is all I wish is for me to have my truck back and i would be the happiest person in the world. There is no way out for me. the damage is done and it's hard living with this fact. I am going to see about getting a caseworker assigned to me.

My friend’s husband was diagnosed with cancer and we recently learned that he only has one week to live. I talked with her this morning, and she said that although this is not the outcome they had hoped for, he is glad to be home with her and they are spending time going down memory lane, looking at old home video and vacation pictures, etc. I feel terrible because I don’t even know what to say to her- can anyone give me some advice from their own personal experience? Many people’s advice is to cook something and bring it over, but they live about one hour away from us. I just wish there was something that I could say; our phone conversation was so awkward and I feel terrible. “Sorry to hear that” sounds so stupid, any advice?

My dad past away 4 years ago and I'm still lost with out him.It crushed our family when he past. It still feels like yestarday. My mom still hasn't recoverd, sometimes I think she never will. I'm hopeful that we all will. My 2 sons are doing better then my mom and I are. My dads family has had a very hard time with loosing him. My dad was 1 of 10 children. By the way I'm 39 years old. I don't think it makes a difference how old you are when a parent dies. 

Your friend sounds very brave but she is also in shock. Call her and ask her if she needs some company. Having someone sit with her when her husband gets very ill can be good. Just listen to her tell you what's on HER mind. She may need someone to sit up with her husband at night so she can get some sleep and be there for him during the day. (I mean she can just sleep in the next room.) If this sounds like more than you want to do suggest the need to her and she can find someone who will be able to help her.

I have been in your place, not knowing what to say so I don't say anything - ever. And I have been the wife of a dying husband (two years ago) but fortunately, I had plenty of help during the five weeks before my husband was gone. One thing that makes a big difference is; are your friends Christians? People can die without being Christian and can be cared for, but if they are Christians they will have hope, peace and even joy that can't be explained. I have tried not to ask my friend, "How are you doing?" but I do it automatically and they respond automatically with, "Fine." Of course they are not fine so try to take it to the next level with another, more specific question like,  "Are you getting any rest?" "Have you been able to eat?" "How is He feeling?" "What can I do to help you?" This will take some courage on your part but you will be glad you were brave enough to risk saying the wrong thing because caring for your friend in more important than saving yourself possible embarrassment.

Let me know how it is going. And thanks for caring.

From reading “Dear Abby” in the newspaper, I’ve learned that because many people don’t know what to do or say, they say nothing, and the friend ends up feeling abandoned. I don’t want this to happen to my friend, she is so dear to me. Thank you so much for your advice, it is helpful to have some suggestions. As for visiting- when I chatted with her a few days ago, she mentioned that she needs to learn how to deal with ‘well meaning visitors who stop in at inconvenient times.’

I talked with her yesterday, and they just learned that her husband has only about one week to live. She is being so strong. She said that they are watching old home videos and vacation pictures, walking down memory lane and remembering all the good times. She said this without a quaver in her voice- do you think that it is shock? I was a wreck, but tried not to sound like I was crying, because she wasn’t crying. I worry that I will say or do the wrong thing. Thank you again for the advice.