Topic : Overcoming Grief

I know exactly how u feel.  My daughter lived next door to me when her husband committed suicide and left her to raise 2 babies on her own.  I knew my son in law was depressed but did nothing about it.  He gassed himself in their car in the garage.  I heard the car start at 2 am in the morning.  My first thought was that could be him doing what he did but thought no he wouldnt do that so i rolled  over went back to sleep.  After 4 years I am still tormented by the fact I didnt get up to check.  Its been a long road to some of the recovery I think it will take a long time to get over this family tragedy 

So nice of you to comment on everyone's grief; we are all here for the same reason & in need of support & not one of us has greater or lesser pain. Although, some situations vary, as in cause of death, relations, ages, etc.......grief is grief! One persons grief is just as important as the next & you were so kind to include everyone!  So thank you! 

My personal losses have been my grandmother (1994 - old age), who I was close to while growing up. And I know her spirit is near! My father (2004 - heart attack) who I grieve over a lack of a close relationship with & my loss of the father I did have briefly through the years. And my youngest son (1999 - SIDS, age: 6  1/2 weeks old) who I miss having in my arms & I think of him every single day! I honor my son through the organization that I founded "MAD AT SIDS" (Moms And Dads Against The Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) in May of 2002.  

In response to your post about your own personal experience. I'd like to extend my condolences to you for the loss of your father; as well as your mother even though it was years ago.   

   July 31st. was not that long ago hun & this is still so so fresh!......The despair I'm in reference to. It does take a long time to journey through the grief of a loved one! Finding that balance in your life again will come in time. Even though sometimes it may seem that you are walking down a dark, never ending tunnel......keep putting one foot in front of the other & eventually you will begin to see some light little by little. Do the things that bring you a little added peace & comfort. Do the things that "you" feel you need to do as you journey through your grief. 

   You mention having a lack of support at home. Before I forget to say......"You are in the right place!" & "Keep coming back!" And yes, many times it is hard to find another person (like your husband for example) to talk to who "completely" understands. And right now you are in need of all the understanding you can get. Coming to a support group, such as this one, is one of the best things just simply because you can meet others who have had very similar experiences with the grief you are having (fathers, fire, close relationships, etc.) & gradually work through your grief with the support of others who have had similar losses & understand at least a portion of your pain. If there are local groups in your area for grief, that is wonderful as well! 

   I wish you all of the peace & comfort hun. I hope this helps some.  

God Bless! 

     They began dating in high school, she was 17 and he 15.  He was a nice guy at first, eventually becoming controlling and then physically abusive. 

     Anyone who didn't know them would never think that anything was wrong.  He was a charmer in public.  What they didn't know is he was a cheater and a manipulator.  

     She would call me up crying when he would hit her.  I told her to call the police, but she said she couldn't.  She felt bad for him in some weird way.  She felt like she needed to be there for him.  All I could do was sit and listen and comfort her in her times of need.   

     When she did finally get frustrated enough with him, she did leave, but he would threaten her and cry that he wanted her to come home.  She eventually always went back. 

     We once had a conversation about her leaving him for good, but she had stated to me that the only way that she would get away from him is when he killed her.  I told her to write out a statement saying that she felt that he would kill her, and what she wanted to happen with her kids.  She agreed that she should do that, but she never did. 

     There was never a record of domestic violence towards him because she never reported him. 

     On the evening of May 13th, 2003, they attended a wedding of a friend of theirs, then they went to a local club with another couple.  They argued and she took off with the truck keys, leaving with his friends girlfriend.  He was not too happy about that.  He started to walk home, but his friend picked him up in a cab and brought him to their house. 

     He made it home before she did.  In his rage, he went upstairs to get his gun and he waited for her to pull up to the curb.  When she arrived, he sat in the passenger side of the truck and started to argue with her, the gun went off.  He had shot her in the chest, peircing her in the heart and ripping through her lung.   

     He was in shock, he couldn't believe that he had shot her.  He rushed her to the nearest hospital, but not before he got rid of the gun.  She was already dead when they got to the hospital.  My poor friend had been killed by the man that she had loved for over 15yrs.  Her poor children would wake up on Mothers Day only to find out that they no longer had a mom and that their dad was in jail. 

     I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do.  They were immediately placed with her father and his wife, only to become victims again, being ripped from one house to another.  Their paternal grandparents wanted them and their Aunt on their moms side wanted them also.     

     Looking in from the outside, I felt so frustrated that these kids had no time to grieve, they were victims of abuse at home and now, they had to put up with grown adults fighting over them.  Those poor kids had refused counseling and their dad was now dictating from jail with whom he wanted the kids placed with.   

     In my eyes, he lost all rights to his children, the day he murdered their mother.  They have stated that they just wanted their father to come home.  I guess they think that having him home will make things somewhat normal again.  

    Its been 2 years now.  He took a plea to murder in the 2nd degree.  He got 60 yrs with 35 to serve, being elible for parole after serving 25yrs.   

     I don't think that he deserves to ever see the daylight again, but who am I to say.   My beautiful friend is dead and her children are now left to fend for themselves.  I have not been the same since.  I can't begin to imagine what its like to lose your comfort all at once.  I feel so bad for those kids.  I just want to wake up now and say it was all a bad dream.   

I lost my son from SIDS at six and a half weeks old. Now I haven't lost anyone from suicide (perhaps other members can touch on that issue more specifically for you); but in reference to your inquiry on "Is this normal to accept things so quickly & easily?" My reply is that I think that it is for some of us; depending on our situation, different personalities, our support, etc. I believe that a lot of things can play into "why" we do what we do.  

In my situation, I was a mother of two older boys (at the time ages 2 1/2 & 4) who needed me & my husband who needed me. My husband took our loss VERY hard; not that I didn't, but hard for a man & harder to cope with the loss than I did. So I did what you did & stuffed it so that I could take care of others. Now mind you, in the very begining I cried, grieved & what not the first week or so. So I did grieve to some degree, not like I never shed a tear. However, I quickly shut it off (so to speak) & went on with life tending to everyone elses needs. Once things began to settle down a little I thought that I might not be grieving properly because I would try to cry & just couldn't. And still to this day I can't cry, when there are other parents I know who have lost a child from SIDS & the tiniest thoguht makes them fall apart all over again. So I still wonder to this day if I have stuffed it too long & can't pull out of it. (if there's such a thing??) But I do think that it is normal for some. Do I think it is healthy? "NO" I don't. Knowing how handling it the way that I did has caused me this uncertainty in myself, I wouldn't advise it. Although we all grieve differently, in our own way & in our own time. 

I have suffered from severe depression all my life, along with other mental illnesses.  I was finally starting to see sunshine about two and a half years ago, I had about five months of okay times and then the bottom fell out of my world...my 18 years old little sister was killed in an auto accident, she was the light of my life, I had been the baby of the family for 15 years before she blessed us with her presence.  She was beautiful and giving and the most precious child and young woman you would ever want to meet.  It took a great deal for me to go on with life.  Then this past winter my father had surgery for a tumor, the doctors said they got it all.  Around that time the love of my life came back to me after ten years of being apart, it seemed life was coing together.  Of course my happiness soon went away, my father got very sick and passed away on Valentine's Day.  My love and I went ahead with out wedding plans, through many tears, I mean, my dad was suppose to give me away and my sister was suppose to be my maid of honor.  Now I am pregnant with my first child...how am I suppose to deal with this without them here?  I've dreamed of this my entire life, but damn it they were suppose to be here.  My child will never know it's aunt nor it's grandfather.  I am very happy with my pregnancy, but the emotions around it are making me so very sad, I am just at a loss. 

First of all I would like to say I am sorry for all your losses.  I had to stop reading the posts as I started crying and couldn't stop. 

I lost my Dad in Aug this year.  He was killed by a drunk driver.  I miss him so much I cry all the time.  For a few weeks after he was gone I thought it might be better if I went too as I felt so bad all the time.  I got fired from my job because I just couldn't go back to work(I worked there for 4 years). I am on anti depressants but they just make me numb sometimes. My daughter is angry all the time(I guess its her way of dealing with grief).  I am going to a councelor but I don't want to be a complainer so don't tell her all of what I am feeling. 

I feel like my life is so out of control.