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Topic : Overcoming Grief

Number of Replies: 1337
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

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September 15, 2005, 3:07 am CDT

I dont know what to say

Quote From: andreamg57

I know and understand you...... My thoughts and prayers are with you always

I know exactly how u feel.  My daughter lived next door to me when her husband committed suicide and left her to raise 2 babies on her own.  I knew my son in law was depressed but did nothing about it.  He gassed himself in their car in the garage.  I heard the car start at 2 am in the morning.  My first thought was that could be him doing what he did but thought no he wouldnt do that so i rolled  over went back to sleep.  After 4 years I am still tormented by the fact I didnt get up to check.  Its been a long road to some of the recovery I think it will take a long time to get over this family tragedy 

 
September 15, 2005, 7:08 pm CDT

Sad

I've just finished reading all of the stories posted and my heart goes out to all of you. I am really sorry for your loss and impressed by all of the caring words and support each one of you has demonstrated. My father recently died, at his home in New York, on July 31st. His death was caused by a fire, which accidentally took his life while he was sleeping. No one could ever know how much it hurts, as I am sure that each one of you have realized how personal pain and loss truly is. I still can't believe it's true. But, the pain keeps the memory real. My dad visited me in FL a week before he died. And it hurts so bad to think of him dead. I just can't understand it. I can't imagine the pain each one of you is going through, with the loss of children, siblings and partners. Loss is so difficult. But, I hope some good will come of everything in each of your lives. I am only 23 and already, I have loss both my parents, as my mother died when I was six..and my father raised me. I really don't have a support structure, except for my husband...but that isn't enough. He expects me to go one as if everything is ok. He doesn't understand my sadness, but he tries his best. I know there are worse stories of loss, and there are also so many stories of ppl that live their lives without a loss as great...maybe things happen for a reason, but I really have no idea what it is. Til then I'll never forget the sadness, although I try to put on a brave face, death and loss is a sadly unfair situation. 
 
September 16, 2005, 2:52 am CDT

Overcoming Grief

 My husband has been dead almost 6 months.  Some days I am fine and then the next day I am just overcome not having my husband to share every minute of my days with.  We loved each other very much, and had our disagreements.  The main thing is the loss of his prescence and his love.  I am also overcome by his health when he was alive.  He didn't take care of himself, I begged him everyday.  He just would NOT!!!  I often think that he din't think enough of me and his children and grandchildren and himself to take care of his health.  I often very often wonder why.
 
September 16, 2005, 2:55 pm CDT

Overcoming Grief

Quote From: melissa212

I've just finished reading all of the stories posted and my heart goes out to all of you. I am really sorry for your loss and impressed by all of the caring words and support each one of you has demonstrated. My father recently died, at his home in New York, on July 31st. His death was caused by a fire, which accidentally took his life while he was sleeping. No one could ever know how much it hurts, as I am sure that each one of you have realized how personal pain and loss truly is. I still can't believe it's true. But, the pain keeps the memory real. My dad visited me in FL a week before he died. And it hurts so bad to think of him dead. I just can't understand it. I can't imagine the pain each one of you is going through, with the loss of children, siblings and partners. Loss is so difficult. But, I hope some good will come of everything in each of your lives. I am only 23 and already, I have loss both my parents, as my mother died when I was six..and my father raised me. I really don't have a support structure, except for my husband...but that isn't enough. He expects me to go one as if everything is ok. He doesn't understand my sadness, but he tries his best. I know there are worse stories of loss, and there are also so many stories of ppl that live their lives without a loss as great...maybe things happen for a reason, but I really have no idea what it is. Til then I'll never forget the sadness, although I try to put on a brave face, death and loss is a sadly unfair situation. 

So nice of you to comment on everyone's grief; we are all here for the same reason & in need of support & not one of us has greater or lesser pain. Although, some situations vary, as in cause of death, relations, ages, etc.......grief is grief! One persons grief is just as important as the next & you were so kind to include everyone!  So thank you! 

  

My personal losses have been my grandmother (1994 - old age), who I was close to while growing up. And I know her spirit is near! My father (2004 - heart attack) who I grieve over a lack of a close relationship with & my loss of the father I did have briefly through the years. And my youngest son (1999 - SIDS, age: 6  1/2 weeks old) who I miss having in my arms & I think of him every single day! I honor my son through the organization that I founded "MAD AT SIDS" (Moms And Dads Against The Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) in May of 2002.  

  

In response to your post about your own personal experience. I'd like to extend my condolences to you for the loss of your father; as well as your mother even though it was years ago.   

   July 31st. was not that long ago hun & this is still so so fresh!......The despair I'm in reference to. It does take a long time to journey through the grief of a loved one! Finding that balance in your life again will come in time. Even though sometimes it may seem that you are walking down a dark, never ending tunnel......keep putting one foot in front of the other & eventually you will begin to see some light little by little. Do the things that bring you a little added peace & comfort. Do the things that "you" feel you need to do as you journey through your grief. 

   You mention having a lack of support at home. Before I forget to say......"You are in the right place!" & "Keep coming back!" And yes, many times it is hard to find another person (like your husband for example) to talk to who "completely" understands. And right now you are in need of all the understanding you can get. Coming to a support group, such as this one, is one of the best things just simply because you can meet others who have had very similar experiences with the grief you are having (fathers, fire, close relationships, etc.) & gradually work through your grief with the support of others who have had similar losses & understand at least a portion of your pain. If there are local groups in your area for grief, that is wonderful as well! 

   I wish you all of the peace & comfort hun. I hope this helps some.  

  

God Bless! 

 
September 18, 2005, 1:25 am CDT

Coping with a best friend murdered.

   She was my best friend.  My only bridesmaid in my wedding.  She was the most caring friend and a great mom who only wanted the best for her 3 beautiful children.  Her name was Rhonda. 

     They began dating in high school, she was 17 and he 15.  He was a nice guy at first, eventually becoming controlling and then physically abusive. 


     Anyone who didn't know them would never think that anything was wrong.  He was a charmer in public.  What they didn't know is he was a cheater and a manipulator.  

     She would call me up crying when he would hit her.  I told her to call the police, but she said she couldn't.  She felt bad for him in some weird way.  She felt like she needed to be there for him.  All I could do was sit and listen and comfort her in her times of need.   


     When she did finally get frustrated enough with him, she did leave, but he would threaten her and cry that he wanted her to come home.  She eventually always went back. 


     We once had a conversation about her leaving him for good, but she had stated to me that the only way that she would get away from him is when he killed her.  I told her to write out a statement saying that she felt that he would kill her, and what she wanted to happen with her kids.  She agreed that she should do that, but she never did. 


     There was never a record of domestic violence towards him because she never reported him. 


     On the evening of May 13th, 2003, they attended a wedding of a friend of theirs, then they went to a local club with another couple.  They argued and she took off with the truck keys, leaving with his friends girlfriend.  He was not too happy about that.  He started to walk home, but his friend picked him up in a cab and brought him to their house. 


     He made it home before she did.  In his rage, he went upstairs to get his gun and he waited for her to pull up to the curb.  When she arrived, he sat in the passenger side of the truck and started to argue with her, the gun went off.  He had shot her in the chest, peircing her in the heart and ripping through her lung.   


     He was in shock, he couldn't believe that he had shot her.  He rushed her to the nearest hospital, but not before he got rid of the gun.  She was already dead when they got to the hospital.  My poor friend had been killed by the man that she had loved for over 15yrs.  Her poor children would wake up on Mothers Day only to find out that they no longer had a mom and that their dad was in jail. 


     I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do.  They were immediately placed with her father and his wife, only to become victims again, being ripped from one house to another.  Their paternal grandparents wanted them and their Aunt on their moms side wanted them also.     


     Looking in from the outside, I felt so frustrated that these kids had no time to grieve, they were victims of abuse at home and now, they had to put up with grown adults fighting over them.  Those poor kids had refused counseling and their dad was now dictating from jail with whom he wanted the kids placed with.   


     In my eyes, he lost all rights to his children, the day he murdered their mother.  They have stated that they just wanted their father to come home.  I guess they think that having him home will make things somewhat normal again.  


    Its been 2 years now.  He took a plea to murder in the 2nd degree.  He got 60 yrs with 35 to serve, being elible for parole after serving 25yrs.   


     I don't think that he deserves to ever see the daylight again, but who am I to say.   My beautiful friend is dead and her children are now left to fend for themselves.  I have not been the same since.  I can't begin to imagine what its like to lose your comfort all at once.  I feel so bad for those kids.  I just want to wake up now and say it was all a bad dream.   








 
September 19, 2005, 10:48 pm CDT

Feeling quite empty

 This is my first time posting. Yesterday, I received a phone call notifying me that my best friend of 30 yrs had taken her life.  This is the fourth time in 16 yrs that I have had to deal with suicide. Of course after the initial call, I cried uncontrollably. But seeing that my husband (God bless him) has never really dealt with major life crisies and gets upset when I hurt, I have to repressed all my feelings. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot at times and at other times act as if nothing has happened. I know that I have to deal with my grief, but at the same time feel like I have to be strong for my friends' children (who incidently have lost their father and maternal grandmother to suicide).  At this moment, I'm not sure how to deal with all this.  I have no guilt nor anger. It's as if I have gone straight to acceptance. Is all this normal?
 
September 21, 2005, 12:01 pm CDT

I can kinda relate....

Quote From: terry_m

 This is my first time posting. Yesterday, I received a phone call notifying me that my best friend of 30 yrs had taken her life.  This is the fourth time in 16 yrs that I have had to deal with suicide. Of course after the initial call, I cried uncontrollably. But seeing that my husband (God bless him) has never really dealt with major life crisies and gets upset when I hurt, I have to repressed all my feelings. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot at times and at other times act as if nothing has happened. I know that I have to deal with my grief, but at the same time feel like I have to be strong for my friends' children (who incidently have lost their father and maternal grandmother to suicide).  At this moment, I'm not sure how to deal with all this.  I have no guilt nor anger. It's as if I have gone straight to acceptance. Is all this normal?

I lost my son from SIDS at six and a half weeks old. Now I haven't lost anyone from suicide (perhaps other members can touch on that issue more specifically for you); but in reference to your inquiry on "Is this normal to accept things so quickly & easily?" My reply is that I think that it is for some of us; depending on our situation, different personalities, our support, etc. I believe that a lot of things can play into "why" we do what we do.  

  

In my situation, I was a mother of two older boys (at the time ages 2 1/2 & 4) who needed me & my husband who needed me. My husband took our loss VERY hard; not that I didn't, but hard for a man & harder to cope with the loss than I did. So I did what you did & stuffed it so that I could take care of others. Now mind you, in the very begining I cried, grieved & what not the first week or so. So I did grieve to some degree, not like I never shed a tear. However, I quickly shut it off (so to speak) & went on with life tending to everyone elses needs. Once things began to settle down a little I thought that I might not be grieving properly because I would try to cry & just couldn't. And still to this day I can't cry, when there are other parents I know who have lost a child from SIDS & the tiniest thoguht makes them fall apart all over again. So I still wonder to this day if I have stuffed it too long & can't pull out of it. (if there's such a thing??) But I do think that it is normal for some. Do I think it is healthy? "NO" I don't. Knowing how handling it the way that I did has caused me this uncertainty in myself, I wouldn't advise it. Although we all grieve differently, in our own way & in our own time. 

 
September 22, 2005, 12:28 pm CDT

All sorts of emotions

I have suffered from severe depression all my life, along with other mental illnesses.  I was finally starting to see sunshine about two and a half years ago, I had about five months of okay times and then the bottom fell out of my world...my 18 years old little sister was killed in an auto accident, she was the light of my life, I had been the baby of the family for 15 years before she blessed us with her presence.  She was beautiful and giving and the most precious child and young woman you would ever want to meet.  It took a great deal for me to go on with life.  Then this past winter my father had surgery for a tumor, the doctors said they got it all.  Around that time the love of my life came back to me after ten years of being apart, it seemed life was coing together.  Of course my happiness soon went away, my father got very sick and passed away on Valentine's Day.  My love and I went ahead with out wedding plans, through many tears, I mean, my dad was suppose to give me away and my sister was suppose to be my maid of honor.  Now I am pregnant with my first child...how am I suppose to deal with this without them here?  I've dreamed of this my entire life, but damn it they were suppose to be here.  My child will never know it's aunt nor it's grandfather.  I am very happy with my pregnancy, but the emotions around it are making me so very sad, I am just at a loss. 

 
September 26, 2005, 3:56 am CDT

feeling guilty....

 My mum died when I was 16.....and I do miss her.....but you know what?  She wasn't that great.  God strike me down for saying that, I know everyone else would.  But she did a lot of things that I just cannot accept as being in your children's best interests.  And somehow both my brother and I (who are on opposite sides of the country) both that mental health and drug problems.  I'm not blaming my parents, but I can't condone what they did either.

And there's the problem.  I live with the guilt that my mother was this wonderful, giving, loving person, and in many ways she was, but I kinda resent her for a lot of stuff too.  And then there's the guilt related to the fact that I was a 16 year old rebelous girl when she died and was in complete denial of the whole situation, angry at the world and specifically at her.  I never got to say I was sorry.  I never got to be her friend.  I wasn't there for her.  But she wasn't there for me either?
 
September 27, 2005, 12:02 am CDT

Lost my Dad

First of all I would like to say I am sorry for all your losses.  I had to stop reading the posts as I started crying and couldn't stop. 

  

I lost my Dad in Aug this year.  He was killed by a drunk driver.  I miss him so much I cry all the time.  For a few weeks after he was gone I thought it might be better if I went too as I felt so bad all the time.  I got fired from my job because I just couldn't go back to work(I worked there for 4 years). I am on anti depressants but they just make me numb sometimes. My daughter is angry all the time(I guess its her way of dealing with grief).  I am going to a councelor but I don't want to be a complainer so don't tell her all of what I am feeling. 

I feel like my life is so out of control.   

  

  

 
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