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Topic : Overcoming Grief

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 04:53:58 pm
Author : dataimport
Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

 
julieben
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January 13, 2008, 6:21 pm PST

My best friend...

Quote From: nearby

Losing a best friend is hard enough, but to lose a friend to suicide takes the hurt to a higher level. To you this means your best friend didn't even give you a chance to help them through the problem. This means that your friend felt that they couldn't talk to you. This means that your friend is no longer around to help you. But to your friend that is no longer with you, they just wanted what they thought was an easy way out of their pain. This is no reflection on you and your value as a friend. But suicide always leaves the ones left behind holding the bag of pain and guilt. You have to make yourself set down the bag and take some positive steps toward healing.

 

Were you close at all with your friends family? If you were, and I know it sounds scary, try going over to the house and talk with them. Let them share their grief and you share your's. You will also need to not feel guilty over making new friends or having fun again. You have to move on. I know it sucks but it's life. The other problem is finding someone you can trust and talk to them about your grief. Often other 15 year olds can't handle this level of communication, so is there a teacher or counselor you like and trust that you can talk to? Trust me, helping kids with their real needs is more fulfilling to them than whatever they do for their day job. Maybe someone at your church can help. The point is you will need to reach out to others for help and then let them help you. Coming on the message board is a good start.

 

Write back and let me know how it's going. nearby

Thanks so much for the advice. I was pretty close with my best friends fgamily... I see them every once in a while I go down to where my friend is burried a lot. Christmas day was the first time I had went alone... I miss her. I thought I'd never get another friend again. it hurt so bad. recently last June I met a friend and She could relate to me. her hsubad passed away last year. So we talk a lot. My school is always on my case. They say I'm suicidal and depressed. I am depressed but I am not suidal.

I just wish my friend would have talked to me, I relized she couldn't though.. After she left I felt like I had no one... Here is ourlooooong story into a short version.,

It was me her and her Boyfriend everyday. We always hung out and never wanted to leave one another. If we couldnt find a place to sleep we would sleep outside on the streets even if it was a winter night. We got into some trouble one night. We had no other friends but us. We were on house aresst for a while and was not alowwed to talk to one another. We tried as much as we coulkd. I went to my friend(who passed away)'s school. Her boyfriend had dropped out. She felt like she made out the worst. Our parents wouldnt let us talk. her boy friend her fought one night and she hung herself and had snapped her neck because the chair broke. After this I was devistated. I never thought I could be that hurt. She helped me through 3 years of my life. After this everyone said it was my fault for her doing it. her boyfriend hates me and his friends harass me. People put so much extra stress on my situation. I am so dpressed. I started using drugs. i want to turn my life around... I knwo my friend wouldnt want me to be this way. but when ever I try, I just fall right back down and get hurt twice as worse. I'm sick of being hurt and filled with pain. it feels like it will never end.... This message board helps me a lot. I can get advice and get my feelings out without telling some one I know. It helps. Thanks!
 
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hopejoy
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January 13, 2008, 8:41 pm PST

Thinking About You and Caring About Your Situation

Quote From: patian1900

HELP!!!!!

 

I need help with the following problems:

 

Throwing out items at home

Organization at home (everything, clothes, books, files, taxes, financial, etc)

Part-time job/work at home, I am disabled, but not unable to do somethings

Emotional/mental - depression & procrastination of/from my family

 

 

I have tried Catholic Charities for the following:

Emotional/mental/possible spiritually of my family & Any organization places/suggestions

 

I do not feel that Catholic Charities have help in any way. I do know that most of it was due to NO MONEY, or at least I was made to feel at the end of the help that if I could pay more maybe I could have had more help!

 

I am currently enrolled at CURVES, & bowling and have improved, so somethings are working

I have loss weight and my life is improved.

 

But I am still depressed and I can't tell my friends I have these problems.  Right now I have procrastination so bad I can't clean out of boxes of my old life, and apartment  and I might be leaving my apartment, because it is a fire hazard.  If you can have some suggestions I would appreciate it. 

 

Thank you!  

How are you doing tonight? It is 11:21 p.m. East Coast and I was just reading over your situation. Actually, I was so engrossed in my own problems; I forgot for a time that others have difficulties, too, so I wanted to respond to your concerns.

 

Relating to organization is something I can really relate to as I am "the world's worst pack rat" but have come up with some ideas about getting it together.

 

First of all, try the "10-minute plan". With this plan, you look around and see everything absolutely, totally disorganized so, do this: survey the area that is the worst, that is, the room or place that is driving you crazy. Then, set a timer for 10 minutes and work on that area for only ten minutes. As soon as the timer goes off, stop! Do not do anything else in that area. It will amaze you how much you can do in just 10 minutes. If you are depressed, 10 minutes is probably all you can handle at one time.

 

Another thing to do if you are thinking about moving is this: Try to get hold of ten small boxes (the smaller the better). Then, get yourself a recipe file box (cardboard is better than metal), alphabetical dividers and 3" x 5" file cards. If you are beginning to pack things, use the "10-minute plan" again. Go to worst area to pack, sort, give away or throw away. As you put things in the first box, take a file card and write on it "box #1" and then as you place items into a box, write on the box with a black marking pencil, "box number 1". Write on both the file card and the box the items you put inside the box. Also mark on the file card and box the name of the room. Example: Bathroom, Kitchen, Living Room, Bedroom, etc. You will discover if you use smaller boxes all the same size, you will not be so overwhelmed.

 

As to family. If family is not emotionally and spiritually supportive of you; do not share with them your problems. You mentioned you cannot tell your friends you are depressed. True friends will understand if you are depressed. Some persons cannot handle anyone else's depression. Try to think of one person you know that you can really count on to be there for you. If you begin the "10-minute plan" you might want to have that person with you. Do not have anyone with you that makes fun of your plan or who is not helpful to you.

 

Great that you are involved in Curves and Bowling. Keep it up! That will help your spirits a lot.

 

You mentioned you are disabled so I do not know if this plan will help you are not. I am very depressed right now myself because of a bad family situation at Christmas. So, each morning as soon as I get up; I get dressed and walk two blocks to a United Dairy Farmers Store. I buy a cup of tea and a breakfast cookie and buy a newspaper. I sit there for about one hour reading the paper, drinking tea and eating. It really helps to get out of my apartment.

 

If you are going to be leaving your apartment, plan the move slowly, if possible. Otherwise, you will feel overwhelmed.

 

Here is my rule for sorting: I do a small area at a time using my "10-minute" plan. Then, I put stuff in a trash bag to throw away, put stuff in a small box to give away, if possible put stuff in a small box to sell at a consignment shop (if you are able to do that).

 

If you think that ten minutes at a time will not accomplish much, here is the amazing part of this plan. When you see what you can do in just ten minutes, you will be amazed. Then, you will easily find the next ten minutes, etc.

 

Do not continue if you are depressed. Stop and do something else.

 

Sometimes organizations help and sometimes they do not. I believe it is the people more than the organization. Again, bring persons into your life who truly care about you. Do not bare your soul to anyone who does not care about you.

 

If your family or anyone says negative things to you, here is a great phrase I learned from a psychologist, just say, "I cannot talk" and gently put down the phone or try in some way to get away from the person. When you say, "I cannot talk" on the phone, they may try to call you back. Do not answer the phone and never explain yourself. This puts you in control of the situation. It might not work for you. It works for me.

 

Well, I feel better talking to you.

 

Remember, I do not know you but I care about you and feel that I know you anyway. At least you have me in your corner and I will be emotionally and spiritually supportive of you.

 

Rest well. Live your life "10 minutes at a time.

 

Love,

 

HopeJoy
 
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shala46
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January 15, 2008, 10:40 am PST

great advice!

Quote From: hopejoy

How are you doing tonight? It is 11:21 p.m. East Coast and I was just reading over your situation. Actually, I was so engrossed in my own problems; I forgot for a time that others have difficulties, too, so I wanted to respond to your concerns.

 

Relating to organization is something I can really relate to as I am "the world's worst pack rat" but have come up with some ideas about getting it together.

 

First of all, try the "10-minute plan". With this plan, you look around and see everything absolutely, totally disorganized so, do this: survey the area that is the worst, that is, the room or place that is driving you crazy. Then, set a timer for 10 minutes and work on that area for only ten minutes. As soon as the timer goes off, stop! Do not do anything else in that area. It will amaze you how much you can do in just 10 minutes. If you are depressed, 10 minutes is probably all you can handle at one time.

 

Another thing to do if you are thinking about moving is this: Try to get hold of ten small boxes (the smaller the better). Then, get yourself a recipe file box (cardboard is better than metal), alphabetical dividers and 3" x 5" file cards. If you are beginning to pack things, use the "10-minute plan" again. Go to worst area to pack, sort, give away or throw away. As you put things in the first box, take a file card and write on it "box #1" and then as you place items into a box, write on the box with a black marking pencil, "box number 1". Write on both the file card and the box the items you put inside the box. Also mark on the file card and box the name of the room. Example: Bathroom, Kitchen, Living Room, Bedroom, etc. You will discover if you use smaller boxes all the same size, you will not be so overwhelmed.

 

As to family. If family is not emotionally and spiritually supportive of you; do not share with them your problems. You mentioned you cannot tell your friends you are depressed. True friends will understand if you are depressed. Some persons cannot handle anyone else's depression. Try to think of one person you know that you can really count on to be there for you. If you begin the "10-minute plan" you might want to have that person with you. Do not have anyone with you that makes fun of your plan or who is not helpful to you.

 

Great that you are involved in Curves and Bowling. Keep it up! That will help your spirits a lot.

 

You mentioned you are disabled so I do not know if this plan will help you are not. I am very depressed right now myself because of a bad family situation at Christmas. So, each morning as soon as I get up; I get dressed and walk two blocks to a United Dairy Farmers Store. I buy a cup of tea and a breakfast cookie and buy a newspaper. I sit there for about one hour reading the paper, drinking tea and eating. It really helps to get out of my apartment.

 

If you are going to be leaving your apartment, plan the move slowly, if possible. Otherwise, you will feel overwhelmed.

 

Here is my rule for sorting: I do a small area at a time using my "10-minute" plan. Then, I put stuff in a trash bag to throw away, put stuff in a small box to give away, if possible put stuff in a small box to sell at a consignment shop (if you are able to do that).

 

If you think that ten minutes at a time will not accomplish much, here is the amazing part of this plan. When you see what you can do in just ten minutes, you will be amazed. Then, you will easily find the next ten minutes, etc.

 

Do not continue if you are depressed. Stop and do something else.

 

Sometimes organizations help and sometimes they do not. I believe it is the people more than the organization. Again, bring persons into your life who truly care about you. Do not bare your soul to anyone who does not care about you.

 

If your family or anyone says negative things to you, here is a great phrase I learned from a psychologist, just say, "I cannot talk" and gently put down the phone or try in some way to get away from the person. When you say, "I cannot talk" on the phone, they may try to call you back. Do not answer the phone and never explain yourself. This puts you in control of the situation. It might not work for you. It works for me.

 

Well, I feel better talking to you.

 

Remember, I do not know you but I care about you and feel that I know you anyway. At least you have me in your corner and I will be emotionally and spiritually supportive of you.

 

Rest well. Live your life "10 minutes at a time.

 

Love,

 

HopeJoy

So I also have had similar problems in my life.I also have a disability, have suffered much in my life, and felt that dark hole of depression.
First of all, get some help, for the emotional stuff. The clutter in your environment is usually pretty indicative of the clutter inside.
I have been seeing a therapist,( put on my Visa) and I have really started to see the light of day.
I hired a housekeeper, she is amazing.I pay her $20.00 and hour, and even 2 hours once a week can over time transform your space, and trust me it will be the best gift to yourself.
There is a website online called http://www.flylady.net/ and I highly recommend it, if you need to take baby steps and be encouraged in the organizational department.
She is like having a loving Mother encouraging you!
A thought on depression that worked for me, was, ' think of it as anger turned inwards.When ever I feel depressed, I ask myself, what am I angry about?Journaling also helps, as well as this form of finding friends, that can share a story, or offer a bit of encouragement.
Good luck, love yourself,
S
 
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hopejoy
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January 15, 2008, 9:28 pm PST

Thank You, Shala

Quote From: shala46

So I also have had similar problems in my life.I also have a disability, have suffered much in my life, and felt that dark hole of depression.
First of all, get some help, for the emotional stuff. The clutter in your environment is usually pretty indicative of the clutter inside.
I have been seeing a therapist,( put on my Visa) and I have really started to see the light of day.
I hired a housekeeper, she is amazing.I pay her $20.00 and hour, and even 2 hours once a week can over time transform your space, and trust me it will be the best gift to yourself.
There is a website online called http://www.flylady.net/ and I highly recommend it, if you need to take baby steps and be encouraged in the organizational department.
She is like having a loving Mother encouraging you!
A thought on depression that worked for me, was, ' think of it as anger turned inwards.When ever I feel depressed, I ask myself, what am I angry about?Journaling also helps, as well as this form of finding friends, that can share a story, or offer a bit of encouragement.
Good luck, love yourself,
S

So good to read your message and pleased that you enjoyed mine. Interesting that you should mention "clutter in your mind". Goodness knows, I have plenty of that going on. Over the past six years, I have hired five different persons to help me with cluttered and was disappointed with all of them (and it is not because I am so picky). One woman actually took up one hour polishing a small brass lamp that, unfortunately, does not even work. Another woman took the brass lamp away one day with the purpose of having it repaired and never returned it (that is just one of my sad organizing stories). However, I still agree that having someone come and help me would be a good idea. Pleased to hear that you are seeing a therapist (so I am). Thank goodness my co-pay is only $15.00 because of some great benefits.

 

I will get on that website flylady.net and let you know how I enjoy it.

 

Journaling is something I do every day and it does help. I am also begin to submit some articles to magazines (finally) after being prompted by years by friends to do this very thing.

 

I suffer from depression. My doctor just recommened Lexapro. I am terrified to take anti-depressants but talked to my pharmacist tonight and he felt I would be fine with this medication.

 

So pleased you wrote. Write again.

 

Love,

 

HopeJoy

 

 
 
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julieben
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January 17, 2008, 2:55 pm PST

My friend =[

My friend commited suicide March 14, 07. I am 15 years old.... I need some advie...

 I was pretty close with my best friends fgamily... I see them every once in a while I go down to where my friend is burried a lot. Christmas day was the first time I had went alone... I miss her. I thought I'd never get another friend again. it hurt so bad. recently last June I met a friend and She could relate to me. her hsubad passed away last year. So we talk a lot. My school is always on my case. They say I'm suicidal and depressed. I am depressed but I am not suidal.

I just wish my friend would have talked to me, I relized she couldn't though.. After she left I felt like I had no one... Here is ourlooooong story into a short version.,

It was me her and her Boyfriend everyday. We always hung out and never wanted to leave one another. If we couldnt find a place to sleep we would sleep outside on the streets even if it was a winter night. We got into some trouble one night. We had no other friends but us. We were on house aresst for a while and was not alowwed to talk to one another. We tried as much as we coulkd. I went to my friend(who passed away)'s school. Her boyfriend had dropped out. She felt like she made out the worst. Our parents wouldnt let us talk. her boy friend her fought one night and she hung herself and had snapped her neck because the chair broke. After this I was devistated. I never thought I could be that hurt. She helped me through 3 years of my life. After this everyone said it was my fault for her doing it. her boyfriend hates me and his friends harass me. People put so much extra stress on my situation. I am so dpressed. I started using drugs. i want to turn my life around... I knwo my friend wouldnt want me to be this way. but when ever I try, I just fall right back down and get hurt twice as worse. I'm sick of being hurt and filled with pain. it feels like it will never end.... This message board helps me a lot. I can get advice and get my feelings out without telling some one I know. It helps. Thanks!
 
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shala46
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January 18, 2008, 8:56 am PST

hey hope joy!

Quote From: hopejoy

So good to read your message and pleased that you enjoyed mine. Interesting that you should mention "clutter in your mind". Goodness knows, I have plenty of that going on. Over the past six years, I have hired five different persons to help me with cluttered and was disappointed with all of them (and it is not because I am so picky). One woman actually took up one hour polishing a small brass lamp that, unfortunately, does not even work. Another woman took the brass lamp away one day with the purpose of having it repaired and never returned it (that is just one of my sad organizing stories). However, I still agree that having someone come and help me would be a good idea. Pleased to hear that you are seeing a therapist (so I am). Thank goodness my co-pay is only $15.00 because of some great benefits.

 

I will get on that website flylady.net and let you know how I enjoy it.

 

Journaling is something I do every day and it does help. I am also begin to submit some articles to magazines (finally) after being prompted by years by friends to do this very thing.

 

I suffer from depression. My doctor just recommened Lexapro. I am terrified to take anti-depressants but talked to my pharmacist tonight and he felt I would be fine with this medication.

 

So pleased you wrote. Write again.

 

Love,

 

HopeJoy

 

 

Thanks for your reply.Sometimes I think we forget to access the wonderful network of our sisterhood as women.We fight, bight, and loose out on the joy, pain and love, she share as a common bond of being female.
I have been taking a med called Trazadone for a couple years now.I suffer from PTSD/FMS/CPD/arthritis and a mild brain injury.Sound like a wreck I know, but apart from my bad relationship choice, I am a pretty determined and steadfast woman who refuses to lay down and die.
The trazadone is a med tht is an antidepressant as well as it helps with the sleep disorde rI have.I used to take somthing called amytriptaline, which I hated.I also take Inderal which helps with anxiety.I used to be terriifed of taking meds, but let me tell you, it has worked wonders.I also take in extreme cases Ativan, only when pain killers don't help, or sleep is interupted beyond wht Trazadone does.
I too had to go thru a few housekeepers and had a hard time letting go of them because I hate conflict.I have the hardest time getting wht I need.I finally let the last flakygal go and hired an amazing woman.This lady is the dutch cleanser and a no nonsense gal.I love her.She is like having a mom again.Find the right lady and you will be so happy!
S
 
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hopejoy
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January 18, 2008, 7:32 pm PST

Good Evening to You... S...

Quote From: shala46

Thanks for your reply.Sometimes I think we forget to access the wonderful network of our sisterhood as women.We fight, bight, and loose out on the joy, pain and love, she share as a common bond of being female.
I have been taking a med called Trazadone for a couple years now.I suffer from PTSD/FMS/CPD/arthritis and a mild brain injury.Sound like a wreck I know, but apart from my bad relationship choice, I am a pretty determined and steadfast woman who refuses to lay down and die.
The trazadone is a med tht is an antidepressant as well as it helps with the sleep disorde rI have.I used to take somthing called amytriptaline, which I hated.I also take Inderal which helps with anxiety.I used to be terriifed of taking meds, but let me tell you, it has worked wonders.I also take in extreme cases Ativan, only when pain killers don't help, or sleep is interupted beyond wht Trazadone does.
I too had to go thru a few housekeepers and had a hard time letting go of them because I hate conflict.I have the hardest time getting wht I need.I finally let the last flakygal go and hired an amazing woman.This lady is the dutch cleanser and a no nonsense gal.I love her.She is like having a mom again.Find the right lady and you will be so happy!
S

So good to hear from you again. You are so right about sisterhood and isn't it wonderful that there is a website where we can share concerns and ideas. It was interesting to read about your various medications and how they are effecting you and, particularly, learning that they can help. I was about to begin my Lexapro when I developed a simply horrendous bladder infection; taking two drugs for that which are making me tired and more depressed. However, with antibiotics, one must see it through until the bitter end. I left work at 1:00p.m. today because I could not stay awake.

 

Anyway, my clutter is simply terrible. Every room is cluttered with piles and piles of paperwork everywhere. I live in a three bedroom apartment (gives me more space to clutter). I also have about fifty boxes in storage. It all seems so terribly overwhelming. I did get on the flylady website and really like it a lot so I will continue reading some of these excellent ideas.

 

Strangely enough, having an administrative assistant background, I am amazingly organized at the office (you could ask me anything) but, at home, alas I am a crumpled heap.

 

Anyway, I wish you so well with all the things going on in your life. You sound like you have an undauntable spirit! Way to go, girl! I am in your corner.

 

Hope to hear from you again.

 

HopeJoy
 
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January 20, 2008, 10:15 pm PST

Suicide of a family member by hanging

This has been a horrible week. We got the call on Monday night that my  husband's cousin's son hung his self. We have been on a Rocky roller coaster since then. Such a waste of life for  this young man, he was only 32 years old. We spoke around Christmas and he was so excited about moving to a new place with his girlfriend. Which we have learned that they had been fighting all week and she called the police on him for damaging her car. He had been in trouble with the police and the judge told him that if he got another ticket of any kind he would spend time in prison. And we figured that he couldn't or wouldn't handle going to jail. He thought that his family didn't love or care for him. Which is some what true, from what we know. Both his parents weren't on speaking terms with him. We so wished that he would have called and talked to someone. This is so horrible. I can't  seem to get this off my mind. The man stayed with us for a short time and he knew that we would let him stay with us again. I have lost 3 family members in the last few years due to illness and that was had enough to deal with , and now this is weighing heavy on my heart. I know it will take time, but I don't know that I will ever forgot this death. Plus in talking with others the girlfriends first husband also commited suicide. And she attended the funeral as if nothing was her fault. Just that she was sorry for our loss. And this was the love of her life. But he took his life for her. I know that  some of the facts about  the hanging or what is making me angry, hurt, frustrated. And sad and depressed. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.Thanks
 
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January 22, 2008, 7:44 pm PST

trying to cope

on sept.1st we got the call that my father&brother in law had just been in a tragic accident they were both killed my brother-in-law was only 40yrs old,31 hrs later on his way home from makeing funeral arrangements for his family my husband was killed in a real fluke accident,i don't know how to handle all this,where do i go from hear,my husband was only 39,please tell me how to cope with his large of a tragidy.please help me my friends

 

 

                               rhonda landriault
 
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January 23, 2008, 1:54 am PST

loss of my dad

Quote From: janedamaid

Three years ago my Dad was diagnosed with Myleodysplasia a incurable blood disease, also known as pre-Leukemia.  We were all devastated as he was such a strong healthy stable force in our family. I have never come to terms with his illness, and for the past 3 years have been on such a roller coaster of emotions....Elated when he was doing well to being heartbroken when he wasn't.  On June 23rd, my Dad peacefully passed away in his bed at home.  I am so absolutely devastated by this, and have no idea how to deal with him being gone.  No matter how old you are, I am in my late 30's and the mother of two school aged children.....Your parents are still your parents, and I really miss my Dad so much.   How do you ever overcome such a loss???
 hello..... first , i would like to say that i am truly sorry for the loss of your dad....i also have lost my dad.  my dad  was diagnosed with lung cancer in jan. 2007 and lost his battle in dec. 2007. i too am in my 30's and have absolutely no clue as to how i should deal with him not being a part of my life. i am hoping that since you have had some time  to cope somewhat with losing your dad that you might be able to give me some advice and comfort. i am in pain everyday. i miss my dad so much that theres days that i just dont think i can go on. i have faith in GOD and thought it would be a little less painful since i know where my dad has gone. however, my heart hurts so much that i just cry everyday and miss him more and more each day. up until the last two days before his death, the oncologist told us that there was still a chance he would beat this as long as his platelets would stabalize. his spine had cancer cells that were causing extreme pain every minute that passed. he had to be injected with so much morphine that he had shortness of breath. within 2 days he was no longer able to breath on his own and passed away slowly. i cant understand how we went from him being in my house talking to us to dying in the hospital.if you can please help me with some advice i would gladly listen. thank you.
 
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