Topic : Overcoming Grief

I am so sorry for you. You and your family are going through a terrible chain of events. This is the only advice I know to give you...hope you are not affended. You truely need some help and I want you to get that help. But pray to God for help. Be specific in exactly what you want and need. God wants us to turn our troubles to him and tell him what we are needing. If you have a minister, go talk to him, see if he is aware of any resources that may be of help to you. There has to be something.

 

I so hope I have not affended you...I do believe in God and I'm not trying toput  my beliefs on you....but I'm going through a very tough time my-self...and praying and talking to God is what is keeping me stable.

 

I hope the very best for you. I will say a prayer for you. I hope you get exactly what you need. Good luck and blessings to you!

I see that I posted that incorrectly...so sorry about that.

You poor thing, I'm so sorry for you. You have got to find a doctor that can help you. I know that's not easy to do, but you have to. You are suffering from stress and depression, which chemically alters your body. You need to get that straightened out and that will get you feeling "better"....not good, better. But then you can work on you energy levels and get you in a better state of mind.

 

Think about what you WANT for your life now?! Just to be happy, find a new campanion...not like the one you found out of loneliness, of course, but someone that will love you and take care of you.

 

Honey you were not  born to be unhappy, I assure you that. You have to get strong and know that there is something out there for you....I promise there is. You pray to God and tell him, you are weak and that you need his help and tell him exactly what it is you want. A place of your own, a campanion, a better job, or simply to just be happy again. He will hear you. Please hang in there....when you are that down...I know it's hard...but please just try praying to God...really talk to him....HE WILL HELP YOU. What do you have to lose by trying. Please try. Don't give up on your-self.

 

This is not about me, it's about you....but I have been through some things, that I do not understand and hurt so much, I could barely deal with it and I got mad and blamed God.....MY BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM.....to this day, I still hurt and things in my life are  not  exactly the way I want.....BUT I AM OK,  I feel that there is hope, that things will be even better someday.

 

You've lost your hope....you have to get that back....THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU! I will pray for blessings for you! Hang in there, please!!!

My heart hurt very much right now.   I am 65 years old, my father died 2 days before my birthday and it was sudden because of a stroke.  He died November 3 and the pain is still there deep in my heart.  I don't cry as much, but my heart still misses him.  He was 89 years old and I spoke to him EVERYDAY!  He was living in a very nice assisted living facility but took care of himself until the end.  I MISS HIM SO MUCH!  He was the last living person of his era.  His brother and sisters and most of his cousins were gone before him.  His best friend died about 9 years before him and I thought he was never going to stop grieving.  My mother died 11 years before and he never stopped "talking" to her...he missed her so much after nearly 50 years of marriage (she was actually my step-mother, but raised me and my sister and brother).

 

Now my very best friend in the world is loosing her battle with bone cancer and I don't know what I am going to do without her.  I talk with her daily even if it is only to say "HEY".  Today she asked me to read chapters from the Bible.  Some I read alone and some she tried to read a few verses and then we would read a verse alternately.  This is the first time she has requested this from me.  I know  I have to get my strength from God, but right now folks, MY HEART HURTS!!

 

I just had to get my sadness out...my heart is broken and sadden.  But this too shall pass and I know God will lead me through this painful time too.  So I ask you all out there to pray for me...MSSYLADY.

 

Thank you

 I am a 59 y.o. nurse and lost my husband of 35 yrs. to a heart attack at home.  He died in my arms.  I see the image of it every day.  I have not returned to work yet, mainly because I have lost my confidence in my skills.  My heart and thoughts go out to you and to others who join us in this awful stuck place. I had a patient who knew his time was limited.  He said that if everyone would put their troubles in a pile, they would reach in and take their own back because they knew best how to deal with them.  This gives me comfort as I read what everyone has written on  these message boards.  I think many people feel that if you are a nurse grief doesn't hurt you as badly because you're A NURSE!  Well, we know what baloney that notion is!  I can only say that there is no timetable for grief, share your feelings as often as you can, get counselling,love yourself more and remember you are not alone and you are not crazy. Search in your community for grief groups.  Many Home Health and Hospices often have groups and it really helps to get it out and not stuff your feelings in as ALL nurses do.

I would really like Dr Phil to do a show on the murder of 15 yr old Mathew Lawrence who was murdered by a classmate because he was gay and asked to be his valentine.  There is a holy war being waged against LGBT people in this country because fundamental Christians mis-interpret the bible and use it as a weapon of discrimination.  I think Dr Phil can help save lives by doing a show on hate crimes like this.

 

My whole family is grieving the untimely death of my 53 year old brother, who died in late November, 2006.  My 82 year old mother has a hole in her heart she cannot fill.  I resent some people in the family, who are placing a timetable as to how long she must grieve.  There isn't  a timetable.  Please keep in mind that the elderly take triple the time to get over a big loss like this.  My mother is from the old school.  Sure there are mothers who probably would get over this quick, then there are mothers who grieve & suffer endlessly.   I am giving my mother all the time she needs without pressure.  The best thing a grieving person can do is take time to grieve & don't hold it in.  Do not let anyone pressure you before you are ready.

 

 I am now 53 also....Please I know it's so hard to hang on.  I also have been through a lot.  I survived a very dysfunctional family...still the same.  My father was 99.9% a wonderful dad growing up.  My mother lives in 'unrealityville' acting like 'if u act like everything's allright then it is even when it's not.'''  She never gave me the love and attention I craved so.  She and her best friend married brothers and I was the only girl out of 2 families.  Sure my mother made me clothes but u could dress a doll and put her in the car and drive around.  I have always lived in Realityville even if something seemed unbearable...even now.  I will tell u what I've survived.  My oldest brother & i were close growing up...then 2nd brother, then me then youngest brother.  I was the butt end of everything w/my mother.  She wrecked my nerves totally--calling up my friends homes after she'd tell me I could go there after grade school, screaming at my friends mother, my friend then me to 'come home and make your bed because u didn't do it this morning before you left to go to school."  I said to her at 7 years old, 'That's illogical.  I live over a mile away and by the time i come home and make my bed it will be time to eat dinner.  The day is almost over so what difference does it make now?"  She yelled into phone so loudly i had to hold ph away from my ear and my friend's mother could hear her screaming over and over, "You come home right now and make your bed! Then u can go back to your friends house to play."  There was no arguing with her.  She would constantly lie and whine and be insecure, nervous.  She tell my father when he got home 'she did this or said this.' and I'd stick up for myself & try to explain that that or such and such wasn't what i said or did.  I was always apologizing for something I didn't do just to try and 'keep the peace'...she was impossible.  I tried everything but nothing could please her even when i did everything her way. I have always ever since I can remember always was able to voice what I wanted.  I used to beg her to spend time w/me--tell me when you can and I'll be there whenever you want to set up a time to talk to me.  it was 'never the right time...too nervous, too busy w/church, pta,  anything but her children.  The boys probably didn't notice but I was the middle kid and the only girl so I truly needed a mom.  what little girl doesn't?  Anway,  I realized by the time I was 9 or 10 that it wasn't me but her and I'd just try to avoid her as much as possible....I'm not saying that she purposely ignored us she just couldn't give what she didn't have and wasn't capable of giving.  Sometimes God will put people in your path that love you just for who you are and you survive/thrive because of them. 
In 6th grade they were so overcrowded in public schools they put us on 1/2 day sessions then  brought in 'new math' in  same year.  by the time i reached 7/8 grade I knew I was falling behind and begged for help.  My  parents let me be tutored by the 2nd oldest who was impatient and yelled at me because I couldn't grasp the 'way' he was teaching me....I was tested by officials at school who said, "she's very smart and should be making top marks but we don't know why she isn't"...duh ..... One of the few  things I did was 'change my grades from d' to b' just trying to survive those years.  I almost flunked 8th grade twice ...When I was 13 coming out of my 1st exam or 2 one day in 8th grade, I'm looking all over for my best friend Chris (Christopher)--we had 5 out of 6 classes together and we were best friends...little did I know that he had had leukemia...he'd gone home the day before, laid down, told his mom he was tired and died that afternoon.  I had to take a 2nd exam knowing my best friend died, went to his funeral--my first--Christopher white died w/out  growing up at age 15.  I was only 13...it was awful!
Then, thinking going into 9th grade--high school, coming back from vacation  up north,  my mom and I  go into the Brand new high school- a little over 2 miles from my home...beautiful a/c school thinking i'm going to be w/my 2 best friends that we all went to same church  only to be embarrassed in front of  2,000 young ladies that  the wonderful backward La. schools changed the school zoning while we were on vacation.   I begged my mother to get me a variance but she 'didn't want to lie'     little did I know I had asthma.   I was one of the kids that got bussed in to the '''old high school'  over 20 miles from my house, un-air conditioned, no gym we had to share a workout track...I barely made it through high school....years later, I found out w/out anyone even asking me that my wonderful mother --her mother'my grandmother who hated me growing up for no reason, had offered to send me and pay for a private Baptist school so I could get the attention/help I needed...  my mother thought you should 'treat each child exactly the same."
another big duh.   wouldn't you think if y ou had a daughter that had a genius iq that she should be consulted or at least asked what perhaps she thought or would want?
no...duh duh duh....I hated h.s.  not the h.s. just being bused in and such a horribly hot school i couldn't think straight to study.  then, finally graduating at age 19, i went to college just to get away from that house w/my mother in it....I wasn't ready so came home, started work...
my oldest brother that i'd always gotten along w/had started doing all sorts of drugs--lsd, hashish, marijuana..i know - i went with him and was right there but my mother didn't know.
I won't say I was shocked but I saw what was going on.  I even tried grass a few times but it made me 'starve'  and I didn't want to gain weight...Well, the drugs probably the LSD  made my normal brother whacko and one night my parents were out of the house.  Me being the responsible one and logical, level-headed one...one of our cats crapped in the living room and my brother didn't clean it up properly.  I told him ,'if you don't clean it, the cat'll come back and crap in the same place."   He woozily wandered back upstairs to his room to blast his acid rock and Bob Dylan.   I had a paperback book of his and told him he wasn't going to get it back until he cleaned up the mess downstairs.   he waited for about an hour outside of my door and stormed in, shoving me in between my bed and my closet into the corner.  He didn't hit me but scared me and hurt my shoulder.  I tried to tell my parents but they wouldn't listen and said, 'you're making it up.   my mother said., "that's not true.  I don't believe you."  I said, what else is new?  Were you there did u see it?  I don't lie but wouldn't listen.  So i barely got my 2nd little paycheck and moved out.  I said to myself, if we all have to pay rent while we're working & living here, I can do this for the same amount on my own w/no hassle....which I was glad I did..
Now, from here...this is so much fun.  I was never promiscuous, bar hopping, bed hopping...none of that.  I wasn't a goody goody but I not being experienced in sex because I chose not to be, wanted to remain a virgin until marriage...however, when I started turning 26 and hormones whacky and no marriage on horizon, I fell in love w/a guy where my job was and made love to him...no biggee.   went out w/different supposedly nice guys who just attacked me or just had sex on their minds.  My best guy friend's best friend, engaged to be married attacked me one night and practically raped me...he had me pinned down and all we were doing was having coffee in my kitchen.  my best friend and i lived catty corner--only 2 apts on same floor and he'd turned his back, went to his own apt for a minute and the guy was wigged out.  my best friend, Val, told him,  "you are never, ever to touch my best gal friend...we are so close and even though you are my best friend, and I'm supposed to be best man in your wedding, you can forget about that and forget about our friendship.  I've know B. a lot longer than you and she never ever lies and I can trust her w/my very life...but you you're done -now get out of here before I do something I regret.  I want to kill you but I won't so go away!"  Val  was so angry...that guy was about a head and a half taller than he was.  I went out w/one of val's friends and he was ok but boring---we had nothing at all in common...then he pounced on my chest at front door.
duh....I have never done anything for anyone to act like that.  I never wore slutty clothing or anything..it just seemed to happen...duh.   Then, I met Anatoli Aizenman-Tony-for short.  He'd been going out for awhile w/one of my girlfriends.  She said Tony's a nice guy but she said he wasn't for her.  She said she was 'too old for him and I don't want marriage, kids, etc.-been there, done that."  Tony probably would like you...Well tony and I met and we hit it off, fell in love, he had his apt and I had mine, were together 4 1/2 years, he proposed to me, we set wedding date, I picked my dress out, invitations, etc. ..only problem?  Knowing full well I was a Christian, and he was Jewish, which I could care less about,....I encouraged him to go to Synagogue and celebrate Jewish holidays--His family loved me and I loved them.  They were from Russia...he never wanted to go but said when they lived in russia that they'd wanted once in a while to go to synagogue and were harrassed about being Jewish even though his father was a builder and owned 5 houses--really owned by Communist Russia... They left w/nothing, communists took back their homes and they came to USA.   So...we have a wedding date, Tony's parents offered us to live in their home after marriage for awhile so we could save money to buy our own house, which was so sweet.   He comes to me 2 1/2 months before the wedding and says, "you have to convert to Judaism because our children have to be raised the religion of the mother."  I said, well u know i'm christian and I can't tell my children I don't believe that Jesus ISN'T THE MESSIAH.  I WON'T LIE TO MY CHILDREN.   WHY DON'T U CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY?  Or why don't we just let each other be and we'll let our children decide?  they can go to synagogue and church...why not?  '  HE WOULDN'T so i told him, "i'm not going to marry you but I still love you."   He broke up w/me on the phone at 2:30 a.m. thank god I was at my best girlfriend  Gail's apt because I got hysterical...Later he married a Jewish girl, then I heard from my friend that he wasn't happy and he called her and told her, "I wish I would've married Barbara.  I'm so sorry I just didn't leave her alone and marry her.  I would've been so happy."
no kidding!     Later, after we'd broken up I was so upset I dropped almost 40 lbs., went to pick up some stuff at his parents home.  His father was crying and said, "you look so good.' and his mom hugged me and kissed me.  they both said they were so sorry...oh, well.
Then, a few years later, I met Bobby....the love of my life at the time...we were so compatible//
very sweet, gentle guy...I got pregnant had an abortion and that was that...
During this time  I was going out w/bobby, a friend went loony on me and kept telling me he was in love w/me even though he knew I was going out w/bobby...duh...i even got a pin to wear on my shirt that said, "If I promise to miss you, will you go away?"  My wry humor...
I knew Bobby and I were soulmates but he never felt worthy of me..why I don't know.  he always said, "You'r e so good.  I can never give you a home like your parents have."  I said, I wasn't raised in that monstosity they call a home.  I was raised in a lot smaller house and I'm not that into matieral things.  I just want a little home, have a few children/work//share w/you, cook, bike ride, go fishing, have some friends over to bbq/fish fry/crawfish boil/shrimp boil...ya'll can have a few beers and  I'll have coffeee...love my  nola coffee!!!
so that was that...Bobby was on SSA disability...he was a Libra and I'm a Gemini and we loved each other so.  but I couldn't keep trying to convince him he was good enough for me.
Then my wonderful father retired at age 60 from his Southern Railroad job--traffic manager.
He'd told me privately over the years that he wasn't happy with my mother and made a mistake so long ago..this was in high school and after.  I told him so get a divorce. You're Methodist...who cares?  It's better either to be by yourself and happy than to be miserable one more minute.  I told him he was handsome and he could find someone else one day.
But his self esteem wasn't good...and my parents should've never been married...not compatible.  she never understood him but that was their choice.
so he gradually degenerated from a wonderful dad/person into a full blown raging alcoholic...weird...like a different person totally.
That was that part of my life.
I met someone else about 3 years later at church-Steve, we went out, lived together for about 2 years, got engaged...I had for yrs. wanted to travel, but never got the chance....wanted to go live in california ...tried to get transferred for about 18 months to california...w/federal govt job..that didn't happen.  so I talked to Steve about it,,,I wanted to go back to college, to nursing school after settling in ca. become a nurse and work at that.  I'd worked at LSU nursing school and learned a lot there for almost 5 yrs before SSA job. At that time, you could leave federal govt if you were vested for your career and just get reinstated ...well, I left and went across country w/steve...who little known to me, he never showed it to me, turned out to be a raving abusive brilliantly crazy guy...he tried to kill me 11 times....once he choked me in the quiet desert 680 miles from civilization and i cried out, "Jesus help me."  A whoosh of air, and he was thrown about 18 feet in the air and 45 feet away from me.  I couldn't see anything but it was an angel of God that saved me...silly it sounds but it was true...None of my friends knew where I was.  I'd cut off contact from them...After I got away from him, giving him all of my possessions,  my prized vw beetle car which we were living out of--homeless...and my expensive camera and photography equipment...i did it so he'd leave me the heck alone...he stalked me 3 times...
once at church, 2 times at my parents home.....by the grace of God Jesus protected me--again!
Finally, he backed off when he saw he wasn't going to get back together with me.  I prayed to Jesus to always protect me from anyone evil...and he always did...even when I couldn't see things going on...god knew!  I moved back into crazyville-parent's home and it was hard because I was 32 years old, no car, no job, couldn't get back into college for whatever reason, no income...my monies I pulled from my federal retirement fund of $6600 was totally gone...duh.So now I was living w/a crazy mother and a violent alcoholic father.  one night I told my mother I disagreed w/her.  Loving daddy o came after me w/a 16 inch carving knife and told me he was going to kill me if I didn't apologize to her.  I told him I wasn't going to apologize and if he tried to kill me it would be the last thing he ever did...my heart was pounding hard but I stayed calm....
I went to individual therapy, group therapy for abused/battered women, went to Al-Anon meetings...after 4 months of therapy my therapist said she'd never seen anyone like me that had such a face what you gotta face attitude and that it seemed I'd tried everything with my mother.  She said she'd wanted to meet w/my parents..they refused saying there was nothing wrong with us...my mother refused/refuses to see my father's an alcoholic...duh.  I told them I'd go to anyone they'd pick out but they refused.  My therapist told me "you need little or no contact with your mother."  My friend Ruth and her parents help me survive over the years.  Ruth used to say, "you are the Cinderella in your own home."  Her parents treated me great.  Their house was 2/3 smaller than ours but I would've gladly slept on the floor for peace of mind....
I borrowed their car..t.hey were far out over 2 miles from the nearest bus stop...you couldn't even get to the grocery store which was about 20 something miles away...i borrowed their old vw rabbit worked part time 1 day a week, saved me little money, got offered a one year position at SSA job, which I took even though there was af reeze on being rehired....moved into my own apt., bought a used car--again!  and then heard about  a job at SSA to be reinstated in s. fl.
I took it...i didn't care i just wante to be reinstated ....  
I wasn't looking for anyone.I'd had enough.   But right  before I came to s. fl. Jesus laid on my heart that I was "going to find my husband in s. fl."   I'd been praying and had  written a letter of what I wanted in someone, didn't tell anyone, sealed it in an envelope and put it in my bible...
The first day down in s. fl---i knew absolutely no one, my future husband got in my face..he bugged me about helpin me stock my desk up...He and Hector  were off the phone duty stocking the stockroom and I was not on phone duty yet.  I sat right by manager, assistant manager's office, manager's secretary and my supervisor.  they could see stuart walk right up to me ...i'd drived into town over 900 miles, had 2 hours sleep and then I've got this guy bugging me?  I was afraid I'd get in trouble talking to anyone...not  that anyone said anything at least not yet....so I told him, " You know what,  Stuart?  If i need anything and I can't find it, I'll come and ask  you for help.  But right now, I'm busy and can't talk to you."   he left w/his mouth open and told hector , she's a bitch!  hector said, Yeah, but maybe she's independent and she's  gorgeous and has a great figure and huge eyes...Well, Stu always loved someone independent that could speak her mind...Later that week, i went outside on break and thought to my self, gee lord, that guy seems sort of nice. maybe he could come and ask me for my ph number and maybe we could go out on a date. what'd you think?  20 seconds later that 's what happened...I'd already been approached by 2 other guys wanting to go out w/me but it didn't seem right.
so stu called me the next night, asked me on a Tuesday night if I was busy this weekend and would I maybe like to go out with him?  Well, we did, and ended up getting married...
We fell in love with our best friend,  got married  were very happy but I was always ill from working in 3 sick federal office buildings...huge medical bills, hardly ever took vacation....
in debt....we refinanced our condo which we bought for $46,000 was worth $89,900 at the time...and my husband's son, disabled from Chron's disease, died of an 'accidental' overdose 9 years ago at age 26...he was sick from the time he was little...in and out of hospitals, had ileosotomy; had a sister that felt totally put aside and resented her father...they were estranged...
Stu had retired from SSA 12/97 worked 2nd job and I made him quit because schedule was too much on him...alcoholic manager/whacko ran him ragged and I thought he'd drop dead from all that work.  He was 9 years older than I am...I saw him about to collapse and  I told him, "no more. You're going to quit that job." and he did...not meanly, just protectively....
I took early out due to health problems....I almost died 3 times in the past 3 years...I have a permanent pinched nerve in my neck, degenerative discs, bone spur, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, sinus infections, pneumonia, horrible allergies/asthma.  Chronic pain doctor gave me 3 epidurals in my neck which helped...but before he could do that my sugar was very high.  He read my 12 page evaluation form, knowing I'd listed asthma, gave me oxycontin, my organs shut down and I almost died. was in hospital 10 days...10 minutes away from death.
I had 3 epidurals in my neck, then 2 in my sternum because I have a virus called tsietze syndrome,....then i broke my left hand in 4 places...i'm left handed--on my way to a dermatologist almost 2 years ago...hit the edge of a fountain, had to go to e/r, then orthopedic doctor...couldn't use my hand for almost 1 year..that was fun.  
Then I had gastric bypass surgery 05/2007 in hospital 2 days...survived that.
then ended up back in hospital in 07/2007 developed horrible ulcer from hookup site which was aggravated by having my crazy ass mother in law that sexually abused my husband, along with her sister and their friends when he was little...she was down living w/us 5 times...
And I finally am recovering my health, lost almost 100 lbs.
and no one will help us in either family financially, although my husband's uncle is only worth $50 million dollars or more and gives away to charity his entire SSA check.  Everyone in my family's been either given to start businesses or loaned money to buy multiple homes, pay off child support, buy cars ...my husband's cousins all have multiple homes, million dollar  trust funds..only problem is  his uncle  drove his kids crazy....Uncle  and  his sister, stuart's mother, have  ''periodic explosive disorder'  blowing up  screaming for no apparent reason...uncle's youngest dtr drove her  into schizophrenia at age 19 and in mental hospitals since then,  one cousin's been in  psychiatric  therapy for  26 years...do  u think she might be better if she stayed away?
So here I am w/my sweet Stu-my loving husband...possibly facing foreclosure.  I'd lost so much weight getting healthy...he started losing his mind...periodically after Kevin died he'd talk about how he sometimes felt he was  holding on just because of me...and I'd gotten him on anti-depressant Serzone which helped him but made him constipated..they took it off the market.
We begged banks, lending houses...we had 2 mortgages w/arm loan...no one would help us...no one....he started losing his mind...withdrawn, talking hopelessness, wouldn't answer my questions about just everyday stuff like, 'sweetie do u want to eat lunch?  would you like me to make u some coffee?'  When I had to repeat in 2 days the same exact thing about 200-300 times i knew he needed help.  I made a psychiatrist appointment and told him sweetie you need help. he said, 'why?'   and wasn't grasping very much...it is sad...Well, we both took ambien to sleep and I was on the computer a few hours, gave him his Ambien, and locked it up in my portable filing cabinet, hid the key...about 45 minutes after he went to sleep starting talking weird in his sleep saying, "Barbara, I've lied to you.  I've hidden money on you.  I've bought a gun and figured about 15 ways to kill myself ."   I said, Oh my god, he's lost his mind...well, needless to say, I didn't sleep and asked him the next morning, "do you know what you said last night after you went to bed.?"  He remembered alittle bit of it...strange...then, I heard him talking to someone at a bank, our bank, i thought...saying, "I don't remember cashing that check.  i want this investigated. please send me a copy."  I asked him Stubie, who were you talking to --our bank?"   he told me no it was citibank...   I don't really believe in using credit cards unless you absolutely have to and was raised if you don't have it you don't spend it or use credit cards..just save up until you have the money to buy something you want...but I got my own 1 little credit card and went to register it online and saw another credit line for $25,000 w/almost $20,000 on it!   He didn't know I saw this...but I'd been physically recovering.  I'd always kept up on our bills being paid   we could see bank statements online, see what was paid, etc  I 'd been sick but I know all of our bills were being paid...well, i got him into psychiatric hospital for only 2 days but I knew he'd kill himself w/out me right there w/his which admitting doctor told me I could stay w/him except for initial interview w/him alone...but then when we checked  him into hospital they wouldn't let me stay...i was frantic for 2 days..thinking he's emotionally fragile  he's going to kill himself if he doesn't have me with him....but he was so smart he got out...thank god i thought I can watch him...he got sick on medications they gave him in hospital...got him home and I'd already had psychiatrist appt.  took him to that guy...totally useless.  I didn't want to be in doctor's office for his interview...told h im that u can tell him anything even something u haven't told me but he insisted that I be there with him...that doctor asked him, ""were you ever sexually abused?'  yes but i don't want to talk about it...didn't ask him anything else..duh..ask anything to get him to talk to you..that is your job...had a little white dog that needed a bath with dried up doodies on his hind legs..dog needed to be brushed/groomed...gave my husband stale dunkin' donuts...and 2 medications 7 days worth and told him to come back next week...well, he filled rx's and he got sick again!!!!   i waited 2 days for rx's to get out of his system and gave him another rx that i had had and that he'd been prescribed one time before for depression that worked...effexor xr..he had horrible reaction---shooting pains/paralyzing feelings in his legs and arms/hands...then I was going to make another psychiatrist's appt w/another doctor but stu refused to go..not a good sign    i made a joint appointment with our g.p doctor...him for a prostate exam and me to get a new rx on a cough medicine...but wanted stuie to go because he'd given him the Serzone before and I knew he could prescribe another antidepressent...Well that appointment was scheduled for 12/2007 tuesday and before we could get to that g.p doctor my  wonderful, loving, sweet, brillant, caring, adorable, stocky love of my life for almost 20 years, hung himself and committed suicide 11-29-2007...I'd missed my allergist shot the week before,..i'd called his mother and told her he was going to do it...the sick bitch refused to face reality...of course he didn't hear me when I called her I made sure he was out of the house before I called her....he would usually get the car on thursdays and get my water jug, my protein shake, my purse, makeup bag....clean off one of our cars and pull it up in front of the condo and wait for me...he was so sweet...well, sometimes i wouldn't see him only on thursdays until i saw him in the car...i knew he'd have trouble going to the bathroom and he'd usually go to bathroom and then take shower or vice versa then get stuff ready, clean off car, etc...I'd taken an Ambien got up around 9 or 9:30 am, went to refrigerator for a bite of cottage cheese and came back to bed...saw him in bed, kissed him and he'd said to me the night before,  just like we always did, "what time do you want to leave tomorrow morining?"   I said "between 10:30 and 11am."
then I saw him when i came back to bed, he turned over,  i told him get me up by 10:30 ok?' he said ok, i went back to sleep, got up when I heard my alarm, jumped up into shower and got ready, looked around didn't see him in front so i thought well maybe he went 2 doors down to see Gene his best friend in this complex or he was at other car and cleaning it off or maybe a neighbor stopped him down the hall to talk..you can't see everything all the time...
but that wasn't that...Our condo. faces the back on the lake and sun shines right into condo in morning.  I didn't even notice his bathroom door was closed...then I came back into our condo and went into bedroom--then looked towards his bathroom door and noticed light on under door...called to him... 2 times no answer, "Stuie are u allright"  i went to bathroom door...no answer,...i pushed door open and i saw him reflected  in mirror over sink,slumped over in corner of bathroom door  --thinking he's been so stressed and it gets hot in bathroom, maybe he had heart attack or passed out....i ran called 911 and yelled out door someone help me please hurry!...my friend, barbara, gene's wife, heard me...her health is horrible--terribly high blood pressure...and my friend Judy came running back from pool when she heard me calling..barb and i went into bathroom, i shoved myself into room, tried to gently lift him up..5'10" and a solid 180 lbs and couldn't get him up and try to lay him down.  Then I saw the purplish/reddish mark and noose around his neck....i turned around saw scissors grabbed them, cut him down, thinking oh my god how long has he been up there for this to be this color?  and stayed calm, cut him down, gently held his neck/head and put him on floor, judy and I did cpr.    
I started to get hot and have asthma attack...w/gastric bypass i needed to constantly drink water so i grabbed a sip of water and went back to working on him...the breath sounds were awful..i was yelling to him,  "stuie i love you ...don't you leave me!  come back to me..i love you.'''but just kept up the cpr until paramedics got there..but i knew it was probably too late...it was...
I figured out  later, h e  had to have made a noose from  yellow fishing line,  put it over  hinge on back of door, and pushed himself up and off the counter and  strangled himself...
What a horror!  i am left with the awful aftermath...i was  on my own since age 19 & waited until age 34 to get married for the first time....i  left with so much...thank god for friends/neighbors...but so many of my old friends are gone out of my life....bobby died 2 years ago and val died in 1991 after I came to florida  so i can't call them...one of my friends called my oldest brother, dan, in pensacola...he called me and we talked for about an hour...the other 2---youngest  Hendley in houston, tx...my parents up and sold their home sometime last year and i had to find out by calling their home just to talk and phone disconnnected...luckily i know their neighbors across street and they couldn't believe my parents hadn't called their only daughte r to tell them they'd sold their home....they didn't even call me...i had to call  them 2 days later when i'm still out of my mind w/grief....hendley in houston, tx didn't call and neither did paul in washington state..their only sister..won't answer any of my emails...i've never done anything mean to anyone in my life...not purposely......have always done WWJD....
Many of my old friends are not here ---i haven't been able to pay my 2 mortgages since 12/2007...i am losing my wonderful condo.  no one will hire me when they see my old federal salary...all i'm trying to do is pay my 2 mortgages which amount to $1900 a month plus my maintenance of $377  my income can't meet this....I can't even get rehired w/federal govt  either no openings...i've tried local, private, state, govt's    grocery stores, banks...i am not proud...i have no where to go and at least my girlfriend of almost 40 years that suffers from bipolar and other health problems and her husband have offered to let me move in w/them in hazlehurst, miss. and val's mom in Jefferson, la...in her little home she inherited from val's grandma...
I have been going out of my  mind literally..my world is yanked out from me--having homicide detectives, cops, paramedics in my home 11/29/2007 from 11:am until 2:30 pm being accused of killing him//murdering my sweetheart/my honey bearman...sweet man...i'm weeping now as I read this...I've lost all this weight and gotten healthy and gorgeous again and he left me..but he was out of his mind...i had to tell his daughter who wanted to kill herself over this...of course, we are talking and always loved her from the first time i met her.  I am very nurturing and loving.  I didn't get it but I know how to give it big time...I have no children of my own and  am too old to have any now  but I can love my step-dtr and her 2 ch ildren...i am glad  she's happy.
i had to deal with funeral arrangements with stu's  crazy mother., fly to bury him up in n.y., stay in her apt for 2 days with her screaming at me long  distance   to borrow the money or put it on credit card to fly up to ny to bury my husband; her screaming at me  and slamming drawers for nearly 3 hours the first night i was there....when i flew into nyc i  came  into airport--flight delayed 2 hours but we flew  over  statue of liberty and i told him , "stuie, i got you back  up to ny  finally...i didn't want it to be this way but i got you back up here to be buried near  where  Kevin is buried and you can be close to  your daughter and  grandchildren."

Please I beg of you---don't ever give up...there are so many things to live for...yourself most of all...whatever your problems are God is bigger than our biggest problem....
sometimes depression will lie to you and sometimes Satan will attack you...don't give in...
You can hold on...whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger...i'm not trying to sound trite and i'm having to go to a psychotherapist, and group therapy just to know i'm not losing it...
try to go to a therapist...join  an online group/blog/keep a journal and write your good thoughts and bad thoughts down....everything isn't hopeless.  I'm all alone...i have friends but 2 of my  good friends aren't well enough to come help me pack my things...you will survive.  if you have to call a suicide helpline do it...do you have a church, synagogue or friends to meet with?  
are you working or what?   please keep in touch...don't give up...my step dtr was bulimic for awhile....i know how hard life can be but God will help you...please don't ever ever ever give up...put on tv 700 club or  dr. robert sculler/schuller/shuller--hour of power...go on guideposts.org...go to library and check out books to help you cope...volunteer anything..make urself get out and exercise and get sunlight...i and others care about you, please know that...i will keep you in my thoughts, heart and prayers...please hang in there!

Hi, 

  

An 86-year-old minister in Hamden, Conn., lost his wife of 61 years last Mother’s Day. To help him cope, he started to “talk” with her (earth-to-heaven communication, he calls it) and thus developed a method of feeling connected to a deceased loved one. Please visit the Rev. John Abbott’s website (http://earth-heaven.org/index.htm). Even if you don’t believe as he does, it’s an interesting site created by Abbott, who worked for years at the Connecticut Hospice – the first hospice in the nation. 

  

Thank you. 

my step-dad shot himself on april 16, 91. that would be today. i have never really gotten over the guilt. i know now that hindsight is really 20/20. if i could go back i would, but i know i can't and if i did would i chonge things or just delay them? people say that suicide is a victimless crime, but the true victims of suicide are the ones left behind to deal with the guilt and the what ifs. you blame your self because you know you could have prevented this from happening this time. one thing i have learned is there would be a next time. would you be there then or feeling how you do now?

 

 

 

terry