Topic : Overcoming Grief

Hi, 

  

An 86-year-old minister in Hamden, Conn., lost his wife of 61 years last Mother’s Day. To help him cope, he started to “talk” with her (earth-to-heaven communication, he calls it) and thus developed a method of feeling connected to a deceased loved one. Please visit the Rev. John Abbott’s website (http://earth-heaven.org/index.htm). Even if you don’t believe as he does, it’s an interesting site created by Abbott, who worked for years at the Connecticut Hospice – the first hospice in the nation. 

  

Thank you. 

my step-dad shot himself on april 16, 91. that would be today. i have never really gotten over the guilt. i know now that hindsight is really 20/20. if i could go back i would, but i know i can't and if i did would i chonge things or just delay them? people say that suicide is a victimless crime, but the true victims of suicide are the ones left behind to deal with the guilt and the what ifs. you blame your self because you know you could have prevented this from happening this time. one thing i have learned is there would be a next time. would you be there then or feeling how you do now?

 

 

 

terry

I am so sorry for your loss...I lost my 24 year old son to suicide on May 19, 2006.  He suffered from bi polar.  I understand your grief.   It hurts so much.

Hugs,

Pam

 I lost the love of my life 30 years ago the 6th of this and the grief never has gone away. He was 38 and died in my arms late one night. I have PTSD because of it and am told i will never recover. There were no warning signs that the doctors caught as his heart condition is only diagnosed at autopsy. He left me with very little money and 2 small children. The hardest thing is not being able to assuage the grief of one's children and figuring out how to go on. Their grief never went away even though they are grown.
I would end it all but for them. I miss him so much. At least I was loved once upon a time.

 I'm sorry for all of your pain.  Death is so painful and I can't even begin to suggest recovery options.  I unfortunately stayed in a 25 year abusive marriage.  Finally, finding the strength to get out.  I eventually met and remarried in 1998, to a wonderful man, that I still find myself pinching myself to make sure, I'm not dreaming.  I have a partner who truly loves and respects me and we moved to Texas.  I don't mind admitting that I still carry some baggage from that old marriage. 
Eleven months after I married my current husband, I was still floating on cloud nine, until I received the devastating call in May of 1999.  My mother had comitted suicide, as my Daddy watched.  It rocked me to the core.  She had mentioned suiced to me on three different ocassions but only if the cancer came back.  She was still cancer free after seven years.  The guilt of wondering, what should I have done still hurts. 
Five months later, my sister was taking my Daddy out for an afternoon drive and they were struck by a motorhome.  His injuries were severe and of course, I went directly to him and stayed at the hospital for nearly two weeks until the doctor stated, that he would not recover.  I told my Daddy the truth and asked him if he wanted to go home.  His answer was an immediate, yes.  We set up Hospice at home and I followed the ambulance for over 100 miles to get him home.  We layed up in the bed together that first night and watched his beloved Atlanta Braves.  By the next day he was slowly drifting away.  My Daddy died at 5:00 a.m. two days after I got him home.
After this, we decided to move back to my hometown in South Central Florida.  I hoped to return to an administration position with the law enforcement agency, that I had worked at for many years.  It didn't happen.  I went into insurance and hated it but went on to school and received my license.  I've suffered with chronic migraines for twenty-eight years and they became even worse.  I was  fired because of my  illness and went right into another insurance job within three months ...migraines still hammering away, not only at my head but my effectiveness on the job.  Seven months later, I finally gave it up. It wasn't fair to my great employers or co-workers.  Now, I'm on the couch .... fighting insomnia, depression and a total feeling of uselessness.  Sometimes staying up all night and sleeping a few hours of the day.  I've realize that I've always pretty much "controlled" my life ... after I lost that control and when my plans didn't work out, on top of losing both my parents within five months of each other, I slowly surrended.  I've gained 40 pounds and I'll admit I'm feeling pretty useless, but if I can be an ear or a shoulder for anyone.  I'm more than willing to listen.  This is my life in brief ... however, I do have two beautiful daughters and four amazing grandkids.  God Bless you all. Pains of the heart can linger and I wish I could give all of  us a time frame.  My hand and heart is open ... if anyone thinks I might be of some help.  Thanks, everyone!!

hi, I am still grieving the loss of my grandfather, who died in 1968. Hi death was very traumatic for me and ever since then I have had emotional problems as well. He was the only father figure i ever had. As death is part of life I have had to deal with death several times again. I lost grandma, no closure here either. then i lost my best friend in december of last year.  i leaned on her heavily. she was like a sister to me. she provided support and now my marriage is falling apart as a result of me not getting any of her support anymore. her death was so sudden. I had spoken with her only several hours before her sudden death. It hit me like a great slammer. my childhood trauma all over again. i try to avoid close relationships and funerals. can't bear the pain, it's too intense....

 I know what it's like to lose a sister too.  After losing my parents in 1999, I lost my oldest sister in December of 2006.  There are still days, that I feel like I need to call someone and realize it's her.  She always called me "Sister-Roo".  Lord how I miss that. 

I lost my fience` in June of last year....June 9th 2007 to be exact. i have been having ALOT of trouble trying to get through this, i have dealt with death many many times in my life so i thought i could handle it but since his death i am now questioning EVERYTHING i have ever believed in.  I am doing what i absolutely HAVE to do from day to day and nothing more for the most part. I have recently started grief counceling but i can't see how it is or will help me. what i do to pass the time is go on the internet and chat with people i have met online and watch tv but everything i do is JUST to pass the time and i only work because if i don't my mom and i would be on the streets and hungry she is disabled and lives on ssi and i work taking care of special needs adults so even with me working we are struggling ALOT. i have NO idea how i am getting through every day, most days i don't want to do ANYTHING at all and on my days off thats exactly what i do whenever i am not playing taxi cab to my cousin or running errands for my mom. Well thanks for listening to someone that is hopeless and fighting with every emotion there is and i will stop rambling on now.

My mum died the 20th of this month. SHe had colon cancer, it had metastasized to her liver , ovary and lungs  after two years of chemotherapy. When she died, her liver wsa so large it reached down to her hip; that and her ovary which was about 6 by 6 inches large, pretty much were filling her abdomen and made it swell with tumor and it was extremely painful for her. Needless to say, I hate cancer. Mum was 65, a  young woman.
It's weird, greiving; sometimes I feel fine and other times I forget she is gone. i stayed with her in the hospital for the last few days of her life and I wonder if maybe that helped me to be ready to say goodbye?  When I saw the scans of her liver and ovary (and her lungs were speckled with tumors, like when you take a shaker of pepper and shake it, the tumors made patterns like that) I knew and that was when I began to accept her dying as real.
I don't know how to explain grief; it's just what you do. there are times when I cry for the agony she went through, and the waste of it all, other times I cry for my dad who is lost without her. I try, most of the time though, to be open to whatever I feel and live life as it happens. WHat else can you do? Life goes on, and you have to go with it, life is very short, no matter how much of it you have in front of you.
 I miss her , though. It sure would be  nice to talk with her again,

My grandmother who was like my mum, passed away from Parkinson's disease almost 5 years ago.  My aunts, uncles and other family members were not very supportive.  One of them asked me to tell her it is ok to let go, others talked about calling the funeral home while she was dying, others were discussing redocorating their kitchen.  I had to make the tough calls, stopping the forced feeding (which is when they shove food down your throat and hope you can swallow it, if not they suction it out of your lungs).  My grandma had a DNR and a No Extraordinary Measures order.  I was the closest to her, was raised by her, and the rest of them thought because I loved her most I should make the decisions.  The staff explained I wasn't extending her life, I was delaying her death by allowing her to go through this for so long.  My family recently admitted they resent my decision and that she could have lived a few more months (tortured 3-5 times a day).  She was in agony, suffering, I couldn't do it.  I did everything possible, I was the one who sat there and had to refuse the force feedings for two weeks (from morning to night), clean her mouth of blood from when they did do it and her lips and tongue bled.  I did feed her ice chips, we tried popcycles, and other things, but she just choked on it because she could no longer swollow. 

 

I sat in her bed with her, read to her, did her nails and hair, rubbed her down with lotion and did everything I could, but it wasn't enough.  I lived 900 miles away and saw her more than anyone else in my family, who all live within 20 minutes.  The staff at her nursing home were true Angels, they prayed for me the day grandma passed that I would be ok and that it would be quick. 

 

My question is now what?  I'll always doubt my actions, feel orphaned by my own family and never be forgiven.  Any advice or someone who has a similar story?