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Topic : 09/04 More Feuding In-Laws

Number of Replies: 55
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Wednesday, August 30, 2006, 03:51:43 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
It's the invasion of the in-laws! Despite an intervention by Dr. Phil, a couple and their respective mothers still struggle to get along. See how Ernie and Kerry are doing, and what happens when their moms agree to set their differences aside and meet for coffee. Since the last show, Kerry says her relationship with her mother-in-law has never been better! Unfortunately, her relationship with her own mother has never been worse. Plus, Alaina and Ray are married with two children, and they all live with Ray's mother, Eda. The two women are constantly at each other's throats. Is this family too close for comfort? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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September 2, 2006, 4:59 pm CDT

Thanks for the imput

Quote From: mreedyorkie

My husband and I have been married 22 years.  He comes from a family of 8, 2 boys and 6 girls.  All of the girls are so unhealthy in their relationship with thie mother and the emeshment in this family is so deep, that one does nota make a move or decision without the others (incluidng the mother).  i AM fortunate, in that as the only daughter-n-law I have a husband who came through all of the dysfunction, and is a strong and healthy man, he made it clear from the start of our relationship to his meddling sisters and others that "we are non of hier business".  They do however make attempts to make our lives thier business, but we are a team, and have thick boundaries and are firm in setting them and allowing them to be crossed.  Yes, this has caused alot of tension and strife in his family, but we keep that outside of our home and do not allow it in come into our home,  i (we) also have been accused of some pretty horrible (laughable) things, but it is all in how a coulple cmes together and supports one anoher  as a team and does not allow that crap to come into thier lives.  We see his fsamily from time to time, we live within a 25 mile radious, but we do noit socialize, visit, and do holidays together, it is just too much drama, we keep things, simple and basic with them .  We have a rule, nothing in our home leaves our home to share with others.  We recently attended a funeral of my husbands Aunt and one of her children stood up to talk and she said that one lesson she had learned from her motehr was this she said,  "My mother always told us growing up, to remember that there is "family", and then there are relatives".... hmmmmm... that gives one alot to pause and ponder...

Thanks for your reply. Sometimes I think I am the only one going through this. I do have laugh, as wonderful as my husband is, I managed to remain single for 45 years, and sometimes say to myself "What was I thinking!!"
 
September 2, 2006, 5:19 pm CDT

More fueding in laws

Quote From: hehage

I waited forty five years to get married. Coming from a small family I was exceited about the prospect of marring into a large family, which by the way live a mile from me. I have never in my life seen what has happened since our wedding, my husbands grown children have treated me with such hatedred it is beyond anything I could have imagined. My husbands mother,sister-in-law-,brother, sister her husband have be so despicable I wanted a divorce four months after the marriage, just to get away from the venom of the family. They may have one in-law as a problem, I have them all. You know it's wonderful, when you actually have a file in your desk filled with hate mail from the family accussing you of things that are so outlandish you almost have to laugh. I no longer see any of them, which is very sad, any advise out there to help this situation let me know.!!

 It sounds like your inlaws are the ones that have the problems - not you. Just be lucky that its your in-laws rather than your own family as it is with me. I had to go to the extreme to keep them  and their problems away, but i just keep smiling as you should as you are a special person  because you are you.

 
September 2, 2006, 6:00 pm CDT

09/04 More Feuding In-Laws

Quote From: mreedyorkie

My husband and I have been married 22 years.  He comes from a family of 8, 2 boys and 6 girls.  All of the girls are so unhealthy in their relationship with thie mother and the emeshment in this family is so deep, that one does nota make a move or decision without the others (incluidng the mother).  i AM fortunate, in that as the only daughter-n-law I have a husband who came through all of the dysfunction, and is a strong and healthy man, he made it clear from the start of our relationship to his meddling sisters and others that "we are non of hier business".  They do however make attempts to make our lives thier business, but we are a team, and have thick boundaries and are firm in setting them and allowing them to be crossed.  Yes, this has caused alot of tension and strife in his family, but we keep that outside of our home and do not allow it in come into our home,  i (we) also have been accused of some pretty horrible (laughable) things, but it is all in how a coulple cmes together and supports one anoher  as a team and does not allow that crap to come into thier lives.  We see his fsamily from time to time, we live within a 25 mile radious, but we do noit socialize, visit, and do holidays together, it is just too much drama, we keep things, simple and basic with them .  We have a rule, nothing in our home leaves our home to share with others.  We recently attended a funeral of my husbands Aunt and one of her children stood up to talk and she said that one lesson she had learned from her motehr was this she said,  "My mother always told us growing up, to remember that there is "family", and then there are relatives".... hmmmmm... that gives one alot to pause and ponder...

Wow, Reading your post as well as the quoted post, really made me think about my own mother in law. Other than being the most considerate, kind and caring person I know, she puts to shame my own mother in terms of being just that, a mother. I don't mean to say I do not love my own dear mum, though. Having me at 15 couldn't have been easy and even now we live across the country from each other and share a phone call or two a month. My mother in law showers me with expensive gifts and reminds me every so often that she'd LOVE to pamper a grandchild. Having had two TERRIBLE mother in laws, she really goes out of her way to make me feel like a part of the family.
 
September 2, 2006, 11:19 pm CDT

What do you expect

Now I completely understand everyone is human.

You can't expect EVERYONE to get along... With that being said, I figured adults will either leave eachother alone instead of being like children and fight like babys about stupid stuff.

& We don't always know the situation other people are in when we judge certain things. I don't get along with my soon to be (if they ever get married) sister-in-law. That doesn't mean we don't scream and fight everytime we see eachother - it just means we try to have the least amount of contact with eachother without ignoring eachother. Even though we don't see eye-to-eye on certain things & my brother is a completely different person around her doesn't mean that I have to be evil and nasty towards her. Just means thats one less person I have to talk to during my long stressful day. Not everyone gets along & when you don't that just means leave them alone!!!!

 
September 3, 2006, 11:13 am CDT

More Feuding In-laws

What can be done to even get to talk to someone, in your family, or your daughter, because her husband has gone on a rampage and will not allow us to call, email, her and our two granddaughters?  Also, when your own family takes our daughter's husband's side and  will not talk to you about even simple things in your own family.  Basically, my husband and I, are alone.  We have contacted a lawyer and even our lawyer says there is something  bad happening in that family.  This was after our lawyer tried to contact her and she returned our lawyer's phone call and our daughter hung up on her and said "I haven't got a life anymore".  We have not celebrated anything for over 2 years.  Life is just a puff of smoke that comes and goes and leaves us trying to find out what has happened. Thank you for listening again.  This program on Monday will never work out, because no one is going to give in to any compromises.  Believe me, we know first hand.  Lin Winters
 
September 3, 2006, 11:11 pm CDT

My Son dropped me

Quote From: picabo

What can be done to even get to talk to someone, in your family, or your daughter, because her husband has gone on a rampage and will not allow us to call, email, her and our two granddaughters?  Also, when your own family takes our daughter's husband's side and  will not talk to you about even simple things in your own family.  Basically, my husband and I, are alone.  We have contacted a lawyer and even our lawyer says there is something  bad happening in that family.  This was after our lawyer tried to contact her and she returned our lawyer's phone call and our daughter hung up on her and said "I haven't got a life anymore".  We have not celebrated anything for over 2 years.  Life is just a puff of smoke that comes and goes and leaves us trying to find out what has happened. Thank you for listening again.  This program on Monday will never work out, because no one is going to give in to any compromises.  Believe me, we know first hand.  Lin Winters

a similar situation has happened to me with my married son. his wife dislikes me;  I guess. and so on the occassion of their only baby's baptism day; after a family dinner at a fancy restaurant..I had approached my ex husband and politely inquired if he could pay me any amount of his back child support that he owed to me?

 

He is re married  owns a business; and can well afford to pay his  long delinquent court-ordered obligation; while I am disabled and living on small social security.

 

upon my daughter in law, hearing my conversation, she flew at me .from across the room.. She butted up against me  in the doorway, and told me to 'take it outside'.

 

this was after the party ended; and everyone was leaving the party room. She then said I could never see the baby again. for talking to my ex husband since I had ruined her baby's baptism day by doing so.

 

 and my son and daughter in law have dropped me from everything.

 

 I was recently not even invited to my grandson's 1st birthday party.

this I found out after I stopped at their place with birthday gifts for my baby grandson..I was told I had to leave ;since the daughter in law  was hosting a birthday party with her out of town girlfriends. in 10 minutes. and  I later learned that there had been a party  the day before  for friends and family and I was left out.

 

and not one word from my son since  then.July 30th ..either.

 

 I had only been allowed to see my grandson 2 times. once when he was born and at his baptism service. and I was certainly not a meddling mother in law. I only was nice to them ; and took them gifts. never gave them 'advice' -bossed them around-nothing like that.

 

they live  only 5 minutes from me and have never brought baby over to visit me, not even once. Yet they drove out of state to visit my  ex husband's   relatives before Christmas.

 

 It looks like my grandchild will grow up not knowing me.... all the while; the daughter in law has Her mother babysit several days a week while she works. and they took Her mother on trips to Disneyworld and Chicago with them; while they let me sit ; like I am dead.

 

What would you people do?  I  miss my son and am hurt beyond words,

 
September 4, 2006, 12:52 am CDT

You did the wrong thing

Quote From: decentmom

a similar situation has happened to me with my married son. his wife dislikes me;  I guess. and so on the occassion of their only baby's baptism day; after a family dinner at a fancy restaurant..I had approached my ex husband and politely inquired if he could pay me any amount of his back child support that he owed to me?

 

He is re married  owns a business; and can well afford to pay his  long delinquent court-ordered obligation; while I am disabled and living on small social security.

 

upon my daughter in law, hearing my conversation, she flew at me .from across the room.. She butted up against me  in the doorway, and told me to 'take it outside'.

 

this was after the party ended; and everyone was leaving the party room. She then said I could never see the baby again. for talking to my ex husband since I had ruined her baby's baptism day by doing so.

 

 and my son and daughter in law have dropped me from everything.

 

 I was recently not even invited to my grandson's 1st birthday party.

this I found out after I stopped at their place with birthday gifts for my baby grandson..I was told I had to leave ;since the daughter in law  was hosting a birthday party with her out of town girlfriends. in 10 minutes. and  I later learned that there had been a party  the day before  for friends and family and I was left out.

 

and not one word from my son since  then.July 30th ..either.

 

 I had only been allowed to see my grandson 2 times. once when he was born and at his baptism service. and I was certainly not a meddling mother in law. I only was nice to them ; and took them gifts. never gave them 'advice' -bossed them around-nothing like that.

 

they live  only 5 minutes from me and have never brought baby over to visit me, not even once. Yet they drove out of state to visit my  ex husband's   relatives before Christmas.

 

 It looks like my grandchild will grow up not knowing me.... all the while; the daughter in law has Her mother babysit several days a week while she works. and they took Her mother on trips to Disneyworld and Chicago with them; while they let me sit ; like I am dead.

 

What would you people do?  I  miss my son and am hurt beyond words,

 I can understand your daughter-in-law's anger. The baptisim of your Grandchild was the absoloute wrong time to use as an opportunity to tackle your ex-husband, (no matter how politely you asked) ,about back child support. If it is long deliquent ,did you expect him to say 'Oh yes here you are I'll write out a cheque now' ? Of course not. All it could do was cause upset. That's my opinion anyway and I can understand your daughter-in-law and son giving you a wide berth. If you do such an inappropriate thing at a happy family event then obviously it will take a long time for them to trust you not to do other inappropriate things and spoil other events. My suggestion would be that you write a letter to daughter-in-law and son apologising and admitting you realise you made a mistake, ask for their forgiveness and promise not to do anything so unkind again. Then leave it to them to approach you. Continue to send Christmas cards and presents but learn from your mistake.
 
September 4, 2006, 4:42 am CDT

09/04 More Feuding In-Laws

Quote From: decentmom

a similar situation has happened to me with my married son. his wife dislikes me;  I guess. and so on the occassion of their only baby's baptism day; after a family dinner at a fancy restaurant..I had approached my ex husband and politely inquired if he could pay me any amount of his back child support that he owed to me?

 

He is re married  owns a business; and can well afford to pay his  long delinquent court-ordered obligation; while I am disabled and living on small social security.

 

upon my daughter in law, hearing my conversation, she flew at me .from across the room.. She butted up against me  in the doorway, and told me to 'take it outside'.

 

this was after the party ended; and everyone was leaving the party room. She then said I could never see the baby again. for talking to my ex husband since I had ruined her baby's baptism day by doing so.

 

 and my son and daughter in law have dropped me from everything.

 

 I was recently not even invited to my grandson's 1st birthday party.

this I found out after I stopped at their place with birthday gifts for my baby grandson..I was told I had to leave ;since the daughter in law  was hosting a birthday party with her out of town girlfriends. in 10 minutes. and  I later learned that there had been a party  the day before  for friends and family and I was left out.

 

and not one word from my son since  then.July 30th ..either.

 

 I had only been allowed to see my grandson 2 times. once when he was born and at his baptism service. and I was certainly not a meddling mother in law. I only was nice to them ; and took them gifts. never gave them 'advice' -bossed them around-nothing like that.

 

they live  only 5 minutes from me and have never brought baby over to visit me, not even once. Yet they drove out of state to visit my  ex husband's   relatives before Christmas.

 

 It looks like my grandchild will grow up not knowing me.... all the while; the daughter in law has Her mother babysit several days a week while she works. and they took Her mother on trips to Disneyworld and Chicago with them; while they let me sit ; like I am dead.

 

What would you people do?  I  miss my son and am hurt beyond words,

I agree with the earlier poster...to dredge up child support on their baby's baptism day was really egregious. I can see how the daughter in law would be immensly angry, and truthfully, rightly so. Their baby is only baptised once in life. My suggestion is to write them a letter apologizing for ruining their special day. Don't try to justify it, don't try to explain your reasons for doing what you did. They won't care to hear it.  Just own up to your mistake, let them know how much you love them and want to be a part of their lives. Then, you have to leave it up to them to accept your apology. Don't expect them to respond right away....let them come to you on their own terms. And still send Christmas and Birthday cards (including your daughter in law).

 

All in all, you're going to have to eat crow on this one. Your actions at the baptism were extremely inappropriate and it's up to you to initiate repairing the relationship. Good luck, in-law situations can be tough but sincere apologies can go a long way.

 
September 4, 2006, 7:48 am CDT

Original Air Date

This is a rerun folks, because it is with the old set. Does anyone know? It would have to be before Sept. 2005, assuredly.
 
September 4, 2006, 7:52 am CDT

Ray Irving

Ray should not be torn between his mom and wife he needs to suport his wife.  He should not have moved into his mother's home with the new wife.  He should not have had more children.  It does make me wonder why he is divorced from the first wife.  Did he not stand up for her to his family. 

 
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