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Topic : Dating After 40

Number of Replies: 1120
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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 12:18:36 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Whether you're new to the dating scene due to a breakup, or just still looking for Mr. Right, dating after 40 has some unique challenges. Share your stories, experiences and advice here.

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December 20, 2008, 3:32 am CST

You are trying to do the right thing.

Quote From: youngfo

I go to a college and I'm in class. Well this guy comes and sits by me. At first we don't really notice each other. Then all of a sudden after a month or so he starts looking at me and making comments about our class and the teacher. Then we start talking and communicating. He starts to check me out and be friendly with me. I notice when I go ask the teacher a question, that he is looking at me, smiling, saying I'll see you next time. Ok I start to like this guy, I really don't know why but he seems like a person I would like to GEt to know. So I decided if he is going to stare at me during a quiz and make me fail it. Then he fails the quiz also, then there is times when he makes sure that I have the answer. We I ask him to a dinner and movie.

Maybe it was crazy but what the heck have I got to loose. If he wants to go out we will. If not ok that's fine.

So he says oh man how I would love to but ,I've been dating someone for 3 years. Then he put this down but you never know what will happen tomorrow. I felt like I needed to not be  as friendly to him because he had a girlfriend and I didn't want to get involved. Well I don't know anymore I think I really like him I feel really bad that I can't stop liking him. I have not been so friendly like I was. I just say hello.

I catch him staring at me when I'm walking around. I don't know how to handle this. I told him that I was sorry and that I felt a little embarrassed. He said he felt that it was an compliment. Well the last day of our class and our final, he sat in the back of the room. We could not pass any quizzes sitting next to each other I think he did the right thing. Well we may be taking the next class together. What do you think. Should I still be friendly I really do like him and miss seeing him. He is not married to her, I would switch my feelings if he was married. Please give advice.

And he is trying to do the wrong thing.

 

That is why you feel conflicted.As strongly as you feel about your beliefs, he does as well. He does not think it is wrong to have multiple relationships. But it is a secret to her, but not to you? I wonder if he treats HER the same way?? Something to think about. And if that is the case, don't you think this is who he is? This is not an act? He is someone that lies, whether it is to your advantage, benefit, or not. He is a person that uses lies as a form of communication. He does not see that. You do. You are different. You have a whole different set of morals.  That is good.

 

When someone narcissistically tells us that "tomorrow" may be different .....they are controlling it for them, its not a two way conversation.

 

I am sure he is not the only one that stares at you!!! :))))))) Come on, girlfriend. Get real. You like that he looks at you because there is a spark and you are interested. Thats good. That bad part is he has someone else that feels the same way about him - you are not that special, see? A good substitute, I am sure...:)

 

I don't believe you would "switch" your feelings if he was married.

 

Marriage is a piece of paper.  Morals, ethics, beliefs, are a way of life.  Where do his seem to be? And where do yours go????

 

Kim

 
December 20, 2008, 7:24 am CST

Need Advice

Quote From: kimikomine

And he is trying to do the wrong thing.

 

That is why you feel conflicted.As strongly as you feel about your beliefs, he does as well. He does not think it is wrong to have multiple relationships. But it is a secret to her, but not to you? I wonder if he treats HER the same way?? Something to think about. And if that is the case, don't you think this is who he is? This is not an act? He is someone that lies, whether it is to your advantage, benefit, or not. He is a person that uses lies as a form of communication. He does not see that. You do. You are different. You have a whole different set of morals.  That is good.

 

When someone narcissistically tells us that "tomorrow" may be different .....they are controlling it for them, its not a two way conversation.

 

I am sure he is not the only one that stares at you!!! :))))))) Come on, girlfriend. Get real. You like that he looks at you because there is a spark and you are interested. Thats good. That bad part is he has someone else that feels the same way about him - you are not that special, see? A good substitute, I am sure...:)

 

I don't believe you would "switch" your feelings if he was married.

 

Marriage is a piece of paper.  Morals, ethics, beliefs, are a way of life.  Where do his seem to be? And where do yours go????

 

Kim

Well you are wrong about one thing, if he was married I would turn it all off. I have done it before and will always do that if the situation comes up.

I don't think he is lying to me because if he was, he would have not told me about the girlfriend, he would have just acted like he didn't have one, and we could have went out. 

I do wonder why someone goes out with someone for 3 years, and flirts with other ladies. He must not be that happy with her. Thanks for your advice I do appreciate it.

 
December 20, 2008, 8:46 am CST

why?

Quote From: youngfo

Well you are wrong about one thing, if he was married I would turn it all off. I have done it before and will always do that if the situation comes up.

I don't think he is lying to me because if he was, he would have not told me about the girlfriend, he would have just acted like he didn't have one, and we could have went out. 

I do wonder why someone goes out with someone for 3 years, and flirts with other ladies. He must not be that happy with her. Thanks for your advice I do appreciate it.

I have heard and experienced a situation when I had a boyfriend and we were living together

other women would try and get my guy away from me because we werent married. They didnt

seem to care if we were together or we were living together. Sounds like women dont stick

together in this repsect. This confuses me becasue I agree with Kim; a piece of paper does not

make a committed relationship.  This guy you like sounds like a player and if you play along he will also.

How would you feel if that was you and your boyfriend was trying to pick up other women?

why do women have to steal or compete for men. Is is that there are not enough men in the world or

is this an ego thing or what? Maybe dr.Phil can do a show on this.

me and my last boyfriend were having some problems. Instead of us trying to resolve them he

went and picked back up with his exwife. his exwife got right in there and hooked back up with him.

she knew we had been living together and were together for five years. I blame both of themfor their

selfish and self centered behavior. I took myself out of that equation. You should do the same.

 

 
December 20, 2008, 9:04 am CST

Need Advice

Quote From: lifeisajourney

I have heard and experienced a situation when I had a boyfriend and we were living together

other women would try and get my guy away from me because we werent married. They didnt

seem to care if we were together or we were living together. Sounds like women dont stick

together in this repsect. This confuses me becasue I agree with Kim; a piece of paper does not

make a committed relationship.  This guy you like sounds like a player and if you play along he will also.

How would you feel if that was you and your boyfriend was trying to pick up other women?

why do women have to steal or compete for men. Is is that there are not enough men in the world or

is this an ego thing or what? Maybe dr.Phil can do a show on this.

me and my last boyfriend were having some problems. Instead of us trying to resolve them he

went and picked back up with his exwife. his exwife got right in there and hooked back up with him.

she knew we had been living together and were together for five years. I blame both of themfor their

selfish and self centered behavior. I took myself out of that equation. You should do the same.

 

Well I'm not trying to steal him away, I have backed off.  When class starts again, and he is there, I will be sitting across the room from him.

Thanks for  sharing your story.

 
December 22, 2008, 2:34 am CST

Women don't care about the other women.

Quote From: lifeisajourney

I have heard and experienced a situation when I had a boyfriend and we were living together

other women would try and get my guy away from me because we werent married. They didnt

seem to care if we were together or we were living together. Sounds like women dont stick

together in this repsect. This confuses me becasue I agree with Kim; a piece of paper does not

make a committed relationship.  This guy you like sounds like a player and if you play along he will also.

How would you feel if that was you and your boyfriend was trying to pick up other women?

why do women have to steal or compete for men. Is is that there are not enough men in the world or

is this an ego thing or what? Maybe dr.Phil can do a show on this.

me and my last boyfriend were having some problems. Instead of us trying to resolve them he

went and picked back up with his exwife. his exwife got right in there and hooked back up with him.

she knew we had been living together and were together for five years. I blame both of themfor their

selfish and self centered behavior. I took myself out of that equation. You should do the same.

 

As a woman, I can speak. :) 

 

My experience as to why women go with men that have girlfriends or are married are for various reasons. A big one is they are not available themselves and being with someone attached to someone else makes it an affair, not a relationship....when its over....its over...it was fun.....but its over.

 

When a woman goes with a man that is married, children, a home, cars, life insurance, family, then proceeds to go to bed with him, they are either trouble makers, disrespect women, disrespect themselves, or want to be the "chosen" one because during childhood they were not!

 

There is a big difference between a friendly guy that talks to girls, with some semblance of attraction to them, which is normal and healthy, and a guy that takes that girl and if she is good enough for him, beds her.  I found out that any man or woman that can be with a married person will most likely also be a cheater. Why else would a person be with someone that goes home to another woman every nite? Its just stupid, really.

 

But we can't help who we fall in love with.

 

After the initial crush, affair, with a married person, or one that is living with someone or involved, (meaning they are with HER during the holidays, during birthdays, during illnesses, during celebrations) it is best to cut that tie as fast as possible. The only outcome to a sitatutaion like this is all 3 people possibly losing everything, everything.

 

If a man is married or living with someone, and isn't happy, its not your job to make him happy. Its his wives or girlfriends. If she can't do it, then he needs to be a man and leave her so that he can be with who can make him happy.......which in many, many, many, many, cases, one person just will never be enough.

 
December 22, 2008, 6:06 am CST

New dating issues at age 46

A whole new set of issues seem at hand when dating at age 46 . . . so, hopefully some of you are dealing with the same issues and will be able to give me some advice. 

I am in a new relationship.  Both of us have been married and are divorced, and we both have adult children from our previous marriages.  Here is the problem.  My adult daughter (25 years old), is just that - she is married, has her own family.  I have a wonderful relationship with her, but I respect her as an adult, and treat her as one.
My new boyfriend (what an odd term to use at age 46), has 3 adult children, two of which live outside of the country and one who attends college out of State - approximately 12 hours away.  Obviously, we do not see much of his children, but we also do not see much of mine (for totally different reasons.)  Here is the problem. . .when his son (22 years old) comes for a visit . . . our relationship essential gets put on "hold."  Whenever, we do spend time together, it is always all three of us, providing no private time for he and I.  I always, give him and the son, lots of space, so that they do have "quality" time together, however, the father never seems to see that I also need quality time - even if it is only during a two week visit period.  When I talk with him on the phone, he won't say things like, "I love you" or "I miss you" if his son is in the room - I get the obligatory "ditto".  When the three of us have a conversation, the father uses the pronoun "we" (indicating his son and himself), and never expresses opinions for himself.  So any conversation becomes, "me" and "them" (his son does not do this, and usually corrects the father). 
I talked (or tried to talk to him) about this, and he says, that he feels "guilty" taking anytime away from his son and that he feels "torn" between us.  He always tells me "he is doing the best that he can."  I can't understand this, as I do not believe that either I or the son are "pulling" him in any direction.  The son and I get along very, very well.  I don't want to be caught between a father and son, yet on the other hand, I know that when the son returns to school, my boyfriend, expects, that I will fill the void in his life that his son has left.  Which will be impossible - I am not a toy that can be taken out to be played with when it is convenient.  I love this person, and I very much enjoy and appreciate his son (I don't know the daughters very well so haven't developed a relationship with them.)  However, I am not sure if I can be in a relationship, when each time there is contact with his biological children, my relationship with him, will be set on the back burner.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated......

 
December 22, 2008, 8:56 am CST

Tough call

Quote From: pfifer80

A whole new set of issues seem at hand when dating at age 46 . . . so, hopefully some of you are dealing with the same issues and will be able to give me some advice. 

I am in a new relationship.  Both of us have been married and are divorced, and we both have adult children from our previous marriages.  Here is the problem.  My adult daughter (25 years old), is just that - she is married, has her own family.  I have a wonderful relationship with her, but I respect her as an adult, and treat her as one.
My new boyfriend (what an odd term to use at age 46), has 3 adult children, two of which live outside of the country and one who attends college out of State - approximately 12 hours away.  Obviously, we do not see much of his children, but we also do not see much of mine (for totally different reasons.)  Here is the problem. . .when his son (22 years old) comes for a visit . . . our relationship essential gets put on "hold."  Whenever, we do spend time together, it is always all three of us, providing no private time for he and I.  I always, give him and the son, lots of space, so that they do have "quality" time together, however, the father never seems to see that I also need quality time - even if it is only during a two week visit period.  When I talk with him on the phone, he won't say things like, "I love you" or "I miss you" if his son is in the room - I get the obligatory "ditto".  When the three of us have a conversation, the father uses the pronoun "we" (indicating his son and himself), and never expresses opinions for himself.  So any conversation becomes, "me" and "them" (his son does not do this, and usually corrects the father). 
I talked (or tried to talk to him) about this, and he says, that he feels "guilty" taking anytime away from his son and that he feels "torn" between us.  He always tells me "he is doing the best that he can."  I can't understand this, as I do not believe that either I or the son are "pulling" him in any direction.  The son and I get along very, very well.  I don't want to be caught between a father and son, yet on the other hand, I know that when the son returns to school, my boyfriend, expects, that I will fill the void in his life that his son has left.  Which will be impossible - I am not a toy that can be taken out to be played with when it is convenient.  I love this person, and I very much enjoy and appreciate his son (I don't know the daughters very well so haven't developed a relationship with them.)  However, I am not sure if I can be in a relationship, when each time there is contact with his biological children, my relationship with him, will be set on the back burner.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated......

I am a 40 something single father that can relate to your boyfriend. I have 2 great girls aged 13 & 15. I have had a few dates in the last 7 years but I still feel like I am betraying my children when I try to put my needs above theirs. I would probably act in a similar fashion around my kids. I am not sure how long you have been together or how good things are when it is just the 2 of you, but if everything else is good, I think you should give him time and let him get more comfortable with showing affection around his children. I know this is one of the reasons I have made a decision to stay single right now. I am not sure that I could properly build a new relationship while maintaining the bond I have built with my kids. My hat is off to him for trying though. This is just my opinion, I hope it helps
 
December 23, 2008, 4:23 am CST

Dating After 40

Quote From: honestguy2

I am a 40 something single father that can relate to your boyfriend. I have 2 great girls aged 13 & 15. I have had a few dates in the last 7 years but I still feel like I am betraying my children when I try to put my needs above theirs. I would probably act in a similar fashion around my kids. I am not sure how long you have been together or how good things are when it is just the 2 of you, but if everything else is good, I think you should give him time and let him get more comfortable with showing affection around his children. I know this is one of the reasons I have made a decision to stay single right now. I am not sure that I could properly build a new relationship while maintaining the bond I have built with my kids. My hat is off to him for trying though. This is just my opinion, I hope it helps
Thank you . . . it is very helpful to get a different perspective on the situation.  Thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback.  I am definitely trying to have an open mind, not always an easy thing - but, then who said it was going to be easy : ) 
 
December 25, 2008, 2:54 pm CST

dating after 40

Quote From: kwindshawn

new topic-hmmm.  Dating after 40? Nonexistent.  Anyone else having any luck?

I have not had any luck dating over 40.  I have trust issues with men.  I also have trust issues with the internet dating sites. I live in a town with half seniors and half college students.  My married gal friends rarely do anything with me unless I think of something.  I need help
 
December 27, 2008, 11:25 am CST

what does it mean when...

When does texting mean more than just words in a cell phone?  Apparently at 41,Iam not in the loop. I have been working with a guy for 3years+.  We have always been very friendly towards each other.  He asked me to fix him up with a friend of mine and it did not go well.  Since that time, our friendship became more intimate by more phone conversations and text messaging-even flirtatious.  When he would come to work, he would make it a point to have extended conversations with me, which were beyond casual.  We even talked about meeting and going out a few times before (he lives 80 miles away).  But he never would ask, so I got up the nerve to ask him.  He was beyond shocked and told me that he is not ready to start dating yet (he has been divorced for 5 years).  I am fine about not dating him - confused since he brought it up first, but ok with it.  Now that I am starting to talk to other men and if I  mention it to him (after all, he said he wants to be friends), he gets in a real funk.  I have made attempts to cut off any outside communication with him, but after a few days, he will start texting again or stare at me at work.  My friends say he is:

1. very shy

2. control freak

3. gay

but whatever it is, i am tired of it.  so my question is, since I have been out of the dating loop for so long, did I read too much into his actions?  And if not, is it petty of me to just stop returning his calls/messages without speaking to him about why?  I don't want him to think Iam brushing him off because we did not go out.  but I don't see the need to continue with this line of behavior if there is no chances of dating.  I have enough friends.

 
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