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Topic : Dating After 40

Number of Replies: 1120
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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 12:18:36 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Whether you're new to the dating scene due to a breakup, or just still looking for Mr. Right, dating after 40 has some unique challenges. Share your stories, experiences and advice here.

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March 17, 2009, 2:24 pm CDT

Hi everyone..

It's been a very long time since I posted.  I've learned A LOT about this dating 'over 40' thing..The thing I have found most difficult for me, is at our age we're faced with men with ex's, (that are difficult and hate to see their ex remarried, even when they are remarried and happy?) don't get that..anyway, then there's 'adult' kids that gives the 'new' woman in their dad's life a whole set of problems, even when these so 'adult' children are married/kids, etc..So, here's my question or wanting other's opinions..

 

Has anyone been in this situation before?  What do you feel is the crossing the line between the ex and a person you might concern dating?  is it a 'red' flag right from the start, when you see how overbearing an ex is, no matter how you stay out of things..I've gone through this a few times already..ummm..and if they share a child together, do you feel there should be some kind of 'written' signed paper, that both agree on and stick to???  how does that work..??  or should work??  I find myself yet, in another one of these situations..and want to get out, before it starts..Flexibility is fine, but when an ex can just pop up, change plans at the last second..how do handle that?  with no set up schedule??  Do we as serious partners, growing towards engaged or married etc. etc..Do WE have any rights or are our feelings taken in consideration and how much should the man you're dating do??  Just curious because this is my 'age' group of males...my kids are 'out of the house' and have their own lives, and never been a problem with my "adult" kids, are ex..

 

Dee

 
March 21, 2009, 6:22 pm CDT

With Attention

Quote From: kimikomine

So, how do you know when a guy is interesterd in US? What things do they do, don't they do, to show that they are genuine in their motivations for being with a woman? I know of a lot of people, men and women, that appear to be interested, then the mask comes off and what you see, is not what you saw initially. So presuming you are a male...........besides showering a girl with material things, how do guys show they are interested.? Thanx.
When I'm interested in a woman I want to know more about her and her life. I try to find ways to spend time with her just to talk. I may give her little gifts that have some meaning. I try to show I'm interested and hope she reciprocates in some small way that lets me know it's O.K. to ask her out. It's not always easy to know if my interest is wanted or unwanted. If I don't know if the attention I'm giving is wanted it's hard to know when to ask her out. It's all about communication. But if my displays of interest and concern are ignored or treated lightly, if my phone calls are ignored, I'm going to think she is uninterested, and I'm going to worry that if I continue my attempts she may become angry or frightened because I haven't taken the "hint" to go away. Frankly I'm not very good at the game, I never know if my attentions are welcomed or unwelcome unless the woman involved is absolutely clear about her feelings. And in some situations it's not a good idea to just take the risk and ask her out if I'm not sure she wants my attention. Like a work place situation, I don't want to alienate her or make it difficult for us to work together. I've been interested in the same woman for many years. We had a brief thing together but not what I wanted. I fell hard for her and can't let go. She's had unpleasant experiences with other men over the years who have hurt her deeply. They did things I would never do but I feel like she thinks I'm just like they are. She seems to take my attentions, my attempts to show my affections in a neutral way. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if my attention is wanted or unwanted. You ask "how do men show their interest", I ask you, how do you know when a man is interested in you? What things do you look for? If you're interested how do you let him know? If you're not, how do show that? It's a 2 way street my friend, we're all struggling to understand each other without communicating and that never works very well but that's the way things are right now.
 
March 25, 2009, 9:06 am CDT

Hey. I just figured this out. duh

Quote From: searcherjv

When I'm interested in a woman I want to know more about her and her life. I try to find ways to spend time with her just to talk. I may give her little gifts that have some meaning. I try to show I'm interested and hope she reciprocates in some small way that lets me know it's O.K. to ask her out. It's not always easy to know if my interest is wanted or unwanted. If I don't know if the attention I'm giving is wanted it's hard to know when to ask her out. It's all about communication. But if my displays of interest and concern are ignored or treated lightly, if my phone calls are ignored, I'm going to think she is uninterested, and I'm going to worry that if I continue my attempts she may become angry or frightened because I haven't taken the "hint" to go away. Frankly I'm not very good at the game, I never know if my attentions are welcomed or unwelcome unless the woman involved is absolutely clear about her feelings. And in some situations it's not a good idea to just take the risk and ask her out if I'm not sure she wants my attention. Like a work place situation, I don't want to alienate her or make it difficult for us to work together. I've been interested in the same woman for many years. We had a brief thing together but not what I wanted. I fell hard for her and can't let go. She's had unpleasant experiences with other men over the years who have hurt her deeply. They did things I would never do but I feel like she thinks I'm just like they are. She seems to take my attentions, my attempts to show my affections in a neutral way. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if my attention is wanted or unwanted. You ask "how do men show their interest", I ask you, how do you know when a man is interested in you? What things do you look for? If you're interested how do you let him know? If you're not, how do show that? It's a 2 way street my friend, we're all struggling to understand each other without communicating and that never works very well but that's the way things are right now.
Hi. Now I understand why you thought I was mad at you too. Ok. Here is the scoop. Since we are doing this on the dr phil board, lol....but just for the record....you are a friend first, a co worker second so I will talk to you like a friend first.  As much as I can appreciate your feelings I hope my friendship has not created a false impression of anything other then friendhip? If so. I am sorry.  It has nothing to do with if I was hurt or think all men are slime....I don't, btw...:) but I am not interested in anything outside of a working relationship-friendship with you. I don't feel the workplace is appropiate to talk about this which is why I chose to write this with the hopes that you will read it at home.

I hope you find happiness. You are on a very good path now. I wish you success and happiness in all you set out for yourself. Kimi
 
March 26, 2009, 3:37 am CDT

Hiya dee.

Quote From: dee0123

It's been a very long time since I posted.  I've learned A LOT about this dating 'over 40' thing..The thing I have found most difficult for me, is at our age we're faced with men with ex's, (that are difficult and hate to see their ex remarried, even when they are remarried and happy?) don't get that..anyway, then there's 'adult' kids that gives the 'new' woman in their dad's life a whole set of problems, even when these so 'adult' children are married/kids, etc..So, here's my question or wanting other's opinions..

 

Has anyone been in this situation before?  What do you feel is the crossing the line between the ex and a person you might concern dating?  is it a 'red' flag right from the start, when you see how overbearing an ex is, no matter how you stay out of things..I've gone through this a few times already..ummm..and if they share a child together, do you feel there should be some kind of 'written' signed paper, that both agree on and stick to???  how does that work..??  or should work??  I find myself yet, in another one of these situations..and want to get out, before it starts..Flexibility is fine, but when an ex can just pop up, change plans at the last second..how do handle that?  with no set up schedule??  Do we as serious partners, growing towards engaged or married etc. etc..Do WE have any rights or are our feelings taken in consideration and how much should the man you're dating do??  Just curious because this is my 'age' group of males...my kids are 'out of the house' and have their own lives, and never been a problem with my "adult" kids, are ex..

 

Dee

How are you? Still giving the dating thing a good shot, huh? lol

 

Dating over 40 for me has been more like going to the supermarket and the shelves are bare or the only thing available are old produce. I am close to 50 but I look at women and men that are my age and they are overweight, very stressed, work a  holics, or narcissistic. I remain in shape, try to destress when its necessary  go to a therapist to help me through life's criseses, and like to work and play. I work more because there is nothing better to do....:)))  I am finding dating to be more along of meat market mentality, superficial (which is really what dating is ) but it is just so played out already. So as much as I like to go out I don't because the quality of people has been reduced down to rat level. Its every man and woman for themselves. I am finding people just want things to go the way they want it to go (that is the dating defination now). So many people our age have compromised on so many different levels with family, exes, kids, work responsibilities, education, that now its more difficult to be open to others life styles.

 

For example: you don't like having to deal with ex's and kids from previous marriages, relationships, right? Well, 20 years ago, you didn't have to because the people that you dated did not have kids or ex wives. This is our reality. The fact that we don't have kids puts us on a different playing field. We will not be so tolerant of the dysfunctional ways others raiesed their children because that is ONE area we have not had to screw up! LOL

 

On the flip side, those with children and ex's , then date people like us with no kids, no exe's I can't call my ex an ex because I don't truly consider that a relationship that I feel I lost out on......So he's more like a circle or a zero....:)      Anyway, they don't know how to be truly present with us because they have been so distracted that they have no clue how be with just one person long enough without needing stimulation from others or another thing to fill their calendars. Then take two people alike.......and since we are older and seasoned, heh heh, the pot is full and we are simmering, like a good broth, tasting the flavor of the life we cooked up for ourselves.

 

The most challenging part of being single at close to 50 is thinking, that by now, one would think I have learned how to actually be in a relationship with someone long enough to not screw it up somehow. But thats the fun and the challenge...we truly are pieces of art. Take care. Kimi

 

 

 
March 26, 2009, 12:17 pm CDT

Hi Kimi,

Quote From: kimikomine

How are you? Still giving the dating thing a good shot, huh? lol

 

Dating over 40 for me has been more like going to the supermarket and the shelves are bare or the only thing available are old produce. I am close to 50 but I look at women and men that are my age and they are overweight, very stressed, work a  holics, or narcissistic. I remain in shape, try to destress when its necessary  go to a therapist to help me through life's criseses, and like to work and play. I work more because there is nothing better to do....:)))  I am finding dating to be more along of meat market mentality, superficial (which is really what dating is ) but it is just so played out already. So as much as I like to go out I don't because the quality of people has been reduced down to rat level. Its every man and woman for themselves. I am finding people just want things to go the way they want it to go (that is the dating defination now). So many people our age have compromised on so many different levels with family, exes, kids, work responsibilities, education, that now its more difficult to be open to others life styles.

 

For example: you don't like having to deal with ex's and kids from previous marriages, relationships, right? Well, 20 years ago, you didn't have to because the people that you dated did not have kids or ex wives. This is our reality. The fact that we don't have kids puts us on a different playing field. We will not be so tolerant of the dysfunctional ways others raiesed their children because that is ONE area we have not had to screw up! LOL

 

On the flip side, those with children and ex's , then date people like us with no kids, no exe's I can't call my ex an ex because I don't truly consider that a relationship that I feel I lost out on......So he's more like a circle or a zero....:)      Anyway, they don't know how to be truly present with us because they have been so distracted that they have no clue how be with just one person long enough without needing stimulation from others or another thing to fill their calendars. Then take two people alike.......and since we are older and seasoned, heh heh, the pot is full and we are simmering, like a good broth, tasting the flavor of the life we cooked up for ourselves.

 

The most challenging part of being single at close to 50 is thinking, that by now, one would think I have learned how to actually be in a relationship with someone long enough to not screw it up somehow. But thats the fun and the challenge...we truly are pieces of art. Take care. Kimi

 

 

I haven't had internet for 1 yr. now, so I have to go to the library..it's good though, prevents me from getting addicted and more accomplishing indiviual..You SO right on, with all you said..gee, I know exactly what you're saying..I've learned so much, and especially when I read yours and other ppl's posts..Sometimes, we have to learn the hard way..but, as long as we do learn..and it doesn't take too long to learn it..lol..

 

I think the main thing for us, after we go through bad experiences or not so good ones..We need to not get caught up in 'bitterness' and change who we are..I'm like you, I have kept in shape all my life, mentally always upbeat and happy...but, have to be careful ppl can bring you down..I searched long and hard, for this book I once read, that helped me once..I was at a thrift store, and I found it..strange..It's called "Solitude"..on the author, although had ppl in his life..said when he's the most accomplished, is when he's alone..and when one can see that, it's a GOOD THING, not a bad or lonely thing..When, I get back to that..I read it, and it really helps me..and it's weird, I feel 'good'..Most ppl feel they can't be alone..they fear it..but, when you read a book like this, it really helps..I go hiking with my dogs, kayaking alone..vacation alone..(go visit ppl along the way)..go to movies alone..and you know what?  It's ok..actually, feels great..Anyway, just wanted to post this..Take care,

 

Dee

 
March 30, 2009, 6:41 pm CDT

No you didn't give me the wrong impression

Quote From: kimikomine

Hi. Now I understand why you thought I was mad at you too. Ok. Here is the scoop. Since we are doing this on the dr phil board, lol....but just for the record....you are a friend first, a co worker second so I will talk to you like a friend first.  As much as I can appreciate your feelings I hope my friendship has not created a false impression of anything other then friendhip? If so. I am sorry.  It has nothing to do with if I was hurt or think all men are slime....I don't, btw...:) but I am not interested in anything outside of a working relationship-friendship with you. I don't feel the workplace is appropiate to talk about this which is why I chose to write this with the hopes that you will read it at home.

I hope you find happiness. You are on a very good path now. I wish you success and happiness in all you set out for yourself. Kimi
You were right about one thing, the workplace is not appropriate to discussing these kinds of things, but a concerned friend would have picked-up the phone instead. I was answering as a friend, nothing more. I didn't think you were talking about me. You really don't know me very well, do you? I'm wondering what you do think about me now. I'm sure it's not even close to who I really am. How could I possibly get the wrong impression, really? You haven't given me the slightest reason to think that you are "interested" in me in any way, friend or otherwise to be honest with you. We only talk when I come to you. So how could I get the wrong impression? And after just reading your post to Dee, I want to say something witty or profound but I'm really lost for words. The shelves are bare? I guess that's what you think about me? Here's a suggestion, try another supermarket. I was wrong about you, I thought you were more enlightened than this. I hope your eyes open up soon. I really,really do! You have so much more to learn and to give. You really are a beautiful human being inside but let's face your taste in men hasn't been a very useful tool for you, has it? And your experiences have made you a bit cynical and blind. Good luck, really. I mean that with all my heart. Jerry
 
March 31, 2009, 12:53 pm CDT

reconnecting

If you reconnect with someone you dated in high school, is it kinda normal for things to move fast?
 
April 2, 2009, 3:11 pm CDT

age difference

my girlfriend is 59 years old and im 46 and she brings it up often that i should find someone else my age but i really love this woman and she nows that so why does she act this way toward me her kids like me they have no problem with it. she comes to see me often we go out on saturday night dancing and then out to eat and we ejoy each other.we also talk on the phone at leat 3 times a day but i don,t now what to do if she keeps bringing it up i don,t want to break up with her because i love her so much we have been togther 1 year and 2 months
 
April 3, 2009, 3:27 am CDT

I would think

Quote From: bigfoot47

my girlfriend is 59 years old and im 46 and she brings it up often that i should find someone else my age but i really love this woman and she nows that so why does she act this way toward me her kids like me they have no problem with it. she comes to see me often we go out on saturday night dancing and then out to eat and we ejoy each other.we also talk on the phone at leat 3 times a day but i don,t now what to do if she keeps bringing it up i don,t want to break up with her because i love her so much we have been togther 1 year and 2 months

I would think that at her age, she doesn't want to feel tied down or committed. Since she was probably married, had the family, etc. now she probably only wants casual relationships which bring her enjoyment and nurturing, but not safety. She is having a great time, it seems with you, and her reminding you of the age difference might be her way of telling you that you need to find someone else, although not necessarily any particular age difference, but she is letting you in on a very big secret, that she does not want to spend the rest of her life with you. 

 

I hope this doesn't bring you down, but anytime I suggested someone date someone else, it was because I really didn't want that particular relationship for the long haul.  I would say, don't go find yourself someone your age, but find yourself someone that can commit to you. I don't think she wants to. Sorry.

 
April 7, 2009, 10:41 pm CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: singlemom45

I am 45 years old and the single mom of a beautiful, smart, wonderful 5 year old girl and i'm scared to death to date because i'm afraid of child molestors. My neice was molested by my sisters boyfriend when she was about my daughters age and told me about it one day when i was taking her home from school.  I was furious and disgusted... but not matter my feelings, or my sisters subsequent actions it was too late that bastard took her innocence away and she can't get it back. I suspect nearly every guy who is interested in me is secretly a child molestor.  HELP!

I want to get married and have a wonderful life and I DON'T want to pass my fears on to my daughter.

 

I know what you are fearing and I too felt that way about my children, wanting to protect them from these type of predators.  At her age it is difficult but it starts with educating her about what is in appropriate behavior and making sure she knows that she can tell you anything.   I personally chose to wait until they were older and spoke with them in depth from time to time that they could always tell me if someone was inappropriate with them, even if it was family, friends, teachers, etc.  Because these days it is not just boyfriends that will exhibit this type of behavior with children.  This is so sad to say but it is true.  My choice is not the solution for everyone but at the time it was what worked for me and I don't regret it because my childrens safety and happiness was more important to me.   One friend of mine use to wait until she knew the fellow better before she released her family information to make sure that he was truely interested in her and not her children.  That is difficult and when they did meet her new friend she asked her children what they thought of that person.  A lot of times they see things that you miss because you are so attracted to him.  I am not sure if this helps you but these are my own observations and experiences only you can be the judge of what is best for you.
 
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