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Topic : Dating After 40

Number of Replies: 1120
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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 12:18:36 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Whether you're new to the dating scene due to a breakup, or just still looking for Mr. Right, dating after 40 has some unique challenges. Share your stories, experiences and advice here.

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April 24, 2009, 12:23 pm CDT

Wish I knew

Quote From: dawns_light

I am 42 years old; but, I don't look it.  I'm very petite and I don't look my age.  Men who look at me and ask me out without my ever even opening my mouth get shot down quicker than anything else!  I know they are basing it on my outward appearence and that mskes me mad!  I have a brain!  I own my own business; I can support myself and my family on my own and go to school full time.  There is more to a woman than what you see on the outside!  We have feelings and emotions; we have ideas and dreams.  We aren't a piece of meat!  Basing your dates on looks alone can leave you feeling very empty inside!!  Look beyond outward appearence to the heart...that is where true beauty lies....I know men are visual creatures, but honestly; it gets old!!!
Did you ever see the movie "Shallow Hal"? In this movie Hal saw women pretty or ugly depending on their true personality. The more inner beauty the prettier the woman, the nastier the woman, the uglier. I wish I could apologize for the animals in our midst. There are still gentleman out there that find the time to make sure you're as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. The men that would appreciate you for who you are and what you have accomplished may be too respectful to initiate the meeting. The bold ones always get the press.

I have had many conversations with my guy friends about getting over our own shallowness. I don't consider myself a shallow person but I do have a bottom. I am a single, decent looking man in my early 50's and want to date women from my own era and found that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. So, I realize I have certain criterion, as I think we all do, but I don't want to judged as shallow.

Let me give you this scenario. If an available, educated, attractive man in his early fifties was kind and likable to you would you let him know, one way or the other, that he should ask you out? Would he be too old, not successful enough? Where would you draw the line? I'm curious for some of my own reasons too.

A friend of my daughter's mother is a good example. She is divorced and in her later forties, very pretty, smart, very easy to talk to and in the medical field. Up to now I have only seen her date doctors and such and I feel that she has set herself up to find someone who could support her in a more lavish life style than I could. Maybe I'm not giving her the benefit of the doubt but I'm a little pessimistic.

I believe it's a double edge sword when it comes to expectations to the opposite sex.
 
April 24, 2009, 12:40 pm CDT

Run

Quote From: lucycunning

I am 51 years old, divorced twice.  First time after a 25 year marriage, second time after a 1 year marriage.  I am currently living with my boyfriend of 1 year.  During this year together, we have been through a lot and have survived pretty well.  We seem to have been able to work things out and stay on track.  The one issue that will not go away is his lying to me and I am at my wits end over it.  He is an alcoholic.  He says he knows it and says he can conquer it without help from anyone or any organization.  He did go to a couple of counseling sessions with me, but has now told me that he won't go to any more because it's always just the same thing over and over and he gets nothing out of it.  He says he has quit drinking completely, but has said this before and I eventually found out that he was sneaking drinks every chance he got.  i was out of state for the summer and we made a deal that I would only return home if he got help and quit for real.  He agreed to quit but not get help.  The whole time I was away, he swore he never took a drink.  I was suspicious a couple of times during phone conversations, but he adamantely denied drinking.  Since I have returned home, I have discovered that he was indeed drinking on those occasions (and probably more).  When i confront him about it, he denies denies denies.  He will not come clean.  I don't know what to do about the lying.  I am willing to help him kick the alcohol habit, and was totally committed to that until I caught him lying about it once again.  Now I don't know if I'm just being a fool to stay around when I know he lies to me.  Would sure love some good advice.

This man has a serious drinking problem. IMHO he needs to see the consequence of his addiction. He gets away from the liquor, sober for a good deal of time and then gets the reward of a woman like you. Then he proves to you that the lying was just a symptom of the drinking. You are not married to him yet and there are plenty of men who would adore a woman that could stick with them through the normal problems of life and marriage much less a self-induced problem. Unless this man has an epiphany in the next couple of weeks he is going to drag you down in some sort of way. To me, being with someone and sticking with them through the tough times does not include this time of trial. If he does not take his sickness seriously, neither should you.
 
April 27, 2009, 1:29 pm CDT

I read a different problem here

Quote From: lifestdent

I am 36 dating a 46 year old man that I dated nearly 16 years ago before my only marriage which ended after 13 years last year due to abuse. Let me be clear. This man and I had not spoken or seen each other during my marriage. It had nothing to do with it ending. He lives two hours away. In my worst times I often wondered what my life would have been like with him. He never married and I thought I knew what love was until we were reunited and for the first time I really believe in soulmates...the problem, his mother is very religious and hates me. She has been living with him since his father died. She has told him me or her and has caused havic for months. I am going back to school and raising my two beautiful children and working so all we need to do at this point is grow our relationship in dating, but his mother causes him so much grief that we rarely see each other but talk everyday except the weekends because she calls me names and yells at him while we are on the phone. Aside from the "elephant in the room" he is the kindest and most wonderful man that I never thought existed. He feels obligated to his mother but wants a relationship with me, but not seeing each other regularly...it's hard and I just feel like I am playing a fool. His mother says that I should have stayed with my ex even if he beat me and the kids or was verbally abusive, that it was my obligation and my fault he did what he did and she uses her version of scripture to inflict her anger. I was raised in a pastor's home and was actually one of the good kids that got a raw deal in a marriage I didn't expect. He was completely different when dating and changed from day one. I love God and know that leaving was right and both the man in my life and myself believe we are not doing anything wrong by dating. I have let him go and told him I didn't want to destroy his relationship with his mother, but neither of us can bare to be without each other in our lives and we end up very shortly saying we are trying again. Am I being selfish by wanting a more normal relationship at the cost of his peace at home? Should I just be happy with what I can have for now?
Hey LifeStudent,
   I may be way off here but I think that your boyfriend's mother has other motives. She has rekindled her relationship with her son and may think that you are going to derail all of her efforts.
   Like many parents they are more critical of their childrens' life choices than the children themselves. If the parents are of sound mind and body they may have a better perspective of what their children want and need then do their adult children. Although their intervention should be minimal at best.
   Just my opinion, your boyfriend's mother does not sound like she is capable or unfettered from her own personal problems enough to give this kind of judgment.
   Secondly, your boyfriend is going to have to fix the relationship with his mother if not for you, for himself. He's going to want to do something in the future that she is not going to approve of and he's going to have to make a stand. He needs to behave as a grown man, in a grown relationship with his mother. This may be hard when she is spitting verses from the bible at him, but God is all forgiving and will understand.
  
 
May 1, 2009, 12:09 pm CDT

Long distant relationships

I'm a 52 year young woman been married twice and divorced have two wonderful grown children.  I have met a wonderful man on line.,our relationship is wonderful except it is long distant.  We have been seeing each other for 9 months have really grown together, I feel l love this man he has told me he loves me, I'm not sure we are really in love with each other, there is a difference to me.  He has asked me to move in a few months ago, but he has been working alot of hours and I had to get things in my home town right.  Now that is done and there has been no more talk of me moving.  We really enjoy each other, have alot in coomon.  I recently meet a man where I live that says he has liked me for awhile he is good to, I'm 52 years old I want someone to grown old with and spend the rest of my life with what do I do?
 
May 1, 2009, 2:46 pm CDT

Fed up

I am 47 and have been divorced for 15 years. My husband was an lazy, irresponsible, gambling, cheating drunk. I didn’t even think about dating for the first 11 years after my divorce. I just concentrated on raising my son. I have never been a social invalid. I have a wide circle of friends and am very outgoing. I’m not drop-dead gorgeous, but I have always tried to look as attractive as possible. Five years ago, I decided it was time to test the waters. I joined three dating websites - Eharmony, Match and Yahoo Personals. Eharmony was expensive and it took forever just to get to the open communication stage. I have no trouble communicating, so I decided it was a waste of time. Match is a meat market. The reality is that all of these sites are like entering a beauty contest with women of all ages. I have discovered several things. The new listings for men are much fewer than those for women. Reason is most men hunt stealth. They are looking while they are still in a relationship, just to be sure they have at least a few prospects lined up ahead of time. Fat, bald, homely men are under the mistaken impression that they are handsome. Do these guys own a mirror? Read the profiles. Be sure to read the part about what they are looking for. They want women who are way out of their league. I look for men who are similar to me - in age and appearance, as well as with similar interests. At 40-something, I know there are more important things than appearance. Pity most men haven’t figured that out yet. I have been in five relationships in five years. Two aren’t even worth mentioning. One lasted seven months - he was younger with young children. I treated him like a king. He hid our relationship from his family and when I called him on it, he dumped me in an email at work. One was with a widower. He wanted me then he didn’t - back and forth for three months until I told him to take a hike. The last one was the last straw. He was an old friend from school. Again, I treated the man like a king for an entire year. We never had an argument. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I later found out he had been looking for someone new for quite some time before he made up a lame excuse for ending it. He didn’t even really end it - he kept saying he didn’t know what he wanted - just to buy time until he had a relationship to go to. I figured it out and ended it myself. You wouldn’t believe how many married men and men in relationships are on those dating websites. There are men who are just looking for a woman to support them, men looking for a woman to raise their brats, men who just want a steady partner in the sack, and on and on. The most important thing to know is there are damned few, if any, who have any intention of ever marrying a woman unless they have a financial reason for doing so. They will string you along forever if they have to. We give them everything they want, so why should they marry us? It makes me sick and I’m done. No man is worth what I’ve gone through. I can take care of myself. The only thing a man can give me I don’t already have I can buy for $200 with a rechargeable battery.

 
May 2, 2009, 3:55 am CDT

I'm feelin' ya!

Quote From: legalredhead42

I am 47 and have been divorced for 15 years. My husband was an lazy, irresponsible, gambling, cheating drunk. I didnt even think about dating for the first 11 years after my divorce. I just concentrated on raising my son. I have never been a social invalid. I have a wide circle of friends and am very outgoing. Im not drop-dead gorgeous, but I have always tried to look as attractive as possible. Five years ago, I decided it was time to test the waters. I joined three dating websites - Eharmony, Match and Yahoo Personals. Eharmony was expensive and it took forever just to get to the open communication stage. I have no trouble communicating, so I decided it was a waste of time. Match is a meat market. The reality is that all of these sites are like entering a beauty contest with women of all ages. I have discovered several things. The new listings for men are much fewer than those for women. Reason is most men hunt stealth. They are looking while they are still in a relationship, just to be sure they have at least a few prospects lined up ahead of time. Fat, bald, homely men are under the mistaken impression that they are handsome. Do these guys own a mirror? Read the profiles. Be sure to read the part about what they are looking for. They want women who are way out of their league. I look for men who are similar to me - in age and appearance, as well as with similar interests. At 40-something, I know there are more important things than appearance. Pity most men havent figured that out yet. I have been in five relationships in five years. Two arent even worth mentioning. One lasted seven months - he was younger with young children. I treated him like a king. He hid our relationship from his family and when I called him on it, he dumped me in an email at work. One was with a widower. He wanted me then he didnt - back and forth for three months until I told him to take a hike. The last one was the last straw. He was an old friend from school. Again, I treated the man like a king for an entire year. We never had an argument. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I later found out he had been looking for someone new for quite some time before he made up a lame excuse for ending it. He didnt even really end it - he kept saying he didnt know what he wanted - just to buy time until he had a relationship to go to. I figured it out and ended it myself. You wouldnt believe how many married men and men in relationships are on those dating websites. There are men who are just looking for a woman to support them, men looking for a woman to raise their brats, men who just want a steady partner in the sack, and on and on. The most important thing to know is there are damned few, if any, who have any intention of ever marrying a woman unless they have a financial reason for doing so. They will string you along forever if they have to. We give them everything they want, so why should they marry us? It makes me sick and Im done. No man is worth what Ive gone through. I can take care of myself. The only thing a man can give me I dont already have I can buy for $200 with a rechargeable battery.

I think your opinion is valid in many ways, although I have not given up on the male species altogether! Society has managed to screw up many a village and it is human nature to hunt and seek out the best possible mates. I have seen how men are taken advantage of financially while women are taken advantage of emotionally.  There is an innate need that we all try to fulfill.

 

The problem comes in when we expect something different but continue doing the same thing. I have also found men to be much more shallow then I ever imagined. It seemed they picked up some kind of holier then thou attitude and also I have opened my eyes to how they will use a woman financially as well.  So the mirror is very dusty and they are not seeing themselves clearly . It also can be called denial.  I don't think men really like women but they need them on certain levels. And I don't think women really like men, but we have needs as well.  So we have to learn to tolerate each other.

 

As much as I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, I have accepted the fact that that might be exactly what happens or else settle for someone that I don't necessarily like but need.  It gets ugly when the things we needed from them don't come to fruitation eitehr.....sheesh....then we have to tolerate that.

 

I have found that people will string you along. My therapist says I have a trust issue.....maybe you do too??? :)    But the reality is this is what you have seen, and what I have seen, so there must be something to it, right????

 

I think we need to stop looking, as painful as that is and put ourselves in situations where wwe can be who we are and happy about it. I don't want to have to play games anymore to get looks or leers; although I believe in good healthy and taking care of oneself to the best that they can.  but now it is more about accepting that coupledom has only a certain amount of benefits....sex is definately one of them.  Something I have difficulty grappling with giving up.....But then again, there are always those guys that are just lookinng for sex.....so maybe I'll give one a call! lol

 

Take care and I hope you have some nice eye candy today because I don't think anything is going to worth boxing and wrapping in gold ribbon.    Kimi

 
May 4, 2009, 1:36 pm CDT

always pick the wrong ones

Hi

 

I have been divorced for 13 years and have dated a couple of men.  It seems I always pick the wrong one.

I'm currently living with a man for 2yrs I have relocated for this man and now live with him in his house in springville ca. I was paying 1800.00 a month to live with him and then I complained and now I only pay 750.00 a month and I feel I shouldn't pay anything.  I have my home still in O.C. ca. and he lived with me there and I didn't charge him anything because I thought we had a future together and I really cared for him.  His son rents my home along with another remate they pay 750.00 a month they put the money into my boyfriends account and he gives me $750.00 he keeps half for my rent.  I asked him about his son and he said his son has not been paying so I yelled at him I feel like he is really taking advantage of me.  Well 3 mos ago.  I had found out my son was in trouble I knew he had a drug problem for some time so I went to visit him.  I ended up bringing him home with me so now I don't feel as bad about the 750.00 the good news is he has been going to meetingf 4 a week and he goes to the Parr House twice a week that is a rehab in Porterville Ca. he looks good and seems happy. My son and my boyfriend have gotten very close and have formed a nice relationship.  However I'm not sure about my boyfriend the other day I heard he contacted his ex wife because his son the one that rents my home is in jail so now I feel bad because I want to help him and my boyfriend says his a adult he can help himeself so is my son he is 23 I feel like no matter the age we should help if we can. I don't no if my boyfriend is using me for money   And I don't want to do anything stuip because my son is getting help and I do care for this man      

 
May 14, 2009, 1:53 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: kimikomine

It really irks me to hear that a woman that is so "religious"....too rightous, and "hate" in the same sentence just upsets me even more! I think your man needs to step up to the plate and talk to his mother, whom is at least in her 70's, right? and talk to her like an adult...not a child to a mother.  She is running his life and this may be something you will have to live with, and love...or hate it, and leave.

 

Now the soulmate thing is this. A soulmate is someone we met in a past life so it is very comfortable to be around them. We have many soulmates in our lifetime! They pass through our lives to guide us, not necessarily stay around for the duration of it. 

 

If you don't want to destroy their relationship, then you need to find and dig deep, for the compassion and accepting he is not going to be available the way you want. Can you live with it the way it is? If you can't then you will constantly suffer.  Good luck.

I have been unable to find my post and so I just read your response. I just want to say thank you for your time and input. I need outside perspectives.
 
May 14, 2009, 1:56 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: twisted_poet

Hey LifeStudent,
   I may be way off here but I think that your boyfriend's mother has other motives. She has rekindled her relationship with her son and may think that you are going to derail all of her efforts.
   Like many parents they are more critical of their childrens' life choices than the children themselves. If the parents are of sound mind and body they may have a better perspective of what their children want and need then do their adult children. Although their intervention should be minimal at best.
   Just my opinion, your boyfriend's mother does not sound like she is capable or unfettered from her own personal problems enough to give this kind of judgment.
   Secondly, your boyfriend is going to have to fix the relationship with his mother if not for you, for himself. He's going to want to do something in the future that she is not going to approve of and he's going to have to make a stand. He needs to behave as a grown man, in a grown relationship with his mother. This may be hard when she is spitting verses from the bible at him, but God is all forgiving and will understand.
  
I have been unable to find my post and want to thank you for your reply. I need outside perspective.
 
May 14, 2009, 1:59 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: klarouche

Your  man friends   mother is wrong by saying you should have stayed with your abusive husband! That is not gods will for you to be abused. The way she treats you is abusive. God is your judge not her.  You did nothing wrong. I too had to get out of an abusive marriage so I know what your going through. I have 1 boy which I am raising On my own with no help. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. This man friend needs to stop letting his mom run his life. He is old enough to make his own decisions. Until he is willing or able to do that I would not put your hopes up into having a normal relationship with him. Your just going to end up being hurt . I would just be friends with him for now .
I could not find my post. I wanted to say thank you for your response. As I have told the other's I needed the outside perspective.
 
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