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Topic : Dating After 40

Number of Replies: 1120
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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 12:18:36 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Whether you're new to the dating scene due to a breakup, or just still looking for Mr. Right, dating after 40 has some unique challenges. Share your stories, experiences and advice here.

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April 7, 2009, 11:22 pm CDT

No luck

Quote From: kwindshawn

new topic-hmmm.  Dating after 40? Nonexistent.  Anyone else having any luck?

I have not been on here too long but most that I have seen have been divorced 2-5 years and still having trouble.  I chuckled because I have had trouble for the past 15 years, lol.  I laugh because this is not a new problem it has been this way a long time.  My dry run has been due to having to raise my two children without the help from my ex,  finishing college, and working fulltime to support them while trying to stay focused on their needs.  For me the option of dating didn't really become an option until I reached 40 but now I find myself asking where do I start, where do I go, and how do I avoid repeating what happened in my other marriage.  I would have thought that it would have been easy to find someone, but most of the people that are my age and interesting to me I find that they are either already married or in a relationship.  I have the worst luck, married men or men that just want a roll in the hay seem to love to approach me, and this is so not the kind of person that I am.  I firmly hold on to the thought that God has my perfect mate out there for me but that we just have not met yet.  I do know that the bar scene does not hold the attraction that  it did when I was 18 so where do you go to find single people?  Online, maybe but I spend enough time on the computer as it is with work and that just doesn't appeal to me.  Plus I have tried it twice and both times have been a bomb.  Church, work, friends, are other ways to meet people but nothing has panned out.  I even joined a bowling league, lol, to try to meet a guy that was doing something that he loved it turned out that the single guys were joining with their girl friends so I was the odd ball.  I have run out of ideas of where I should look but the odd thing is I see people that have been successful.  When I ask them where did they meet they may say church, happy hour after work, thru friends, work and these are all the things that I have tried too.  So this leads me to ask myself what am I doing differently.  Sometimes I wonder if it is body language, am I unconciously sending out an unapproachable message?  Who would you even ask what kind of body language you are emitting?  So many questions and not many answers but to answer the question of this blog, no I am not having any better luck than you are.  : (

 
April 7, 2009, 11:53 pm CDT

Not always true

Quote From: tomnotmot

There are plenty of honest genuine guys out here at all ages. They are the guys you did not pick because they were too easy for you to get. You know; the guys that mailed you several times trying to get your attention, The guys that when you lowered your so called standards to go out with them they showed up on time with a car and dressed nicely. They bored you with their consideration and reliability. You picked the bad boy so you could complain about it later.
You might have a point some of the time but your reasoning is not always the rule.  When I divorced I specifically looked for just the opposite of what my ex was trying to remain open minded to all.  I had a guy call me for two years on and off who kept telling me that one day he was going to come over and pick me up and take me out to dinner.  Everytime he called to take me out to that dinner that he promised it was 9pm at night, during the week when I was trying to get my children in bed.  He was a hard working, never been married, successful and wealthy man who I had great conversation with but it never went past that.  He was not the kind of person that I would have picked out in a crowd but I did give him a chance but he blew it.  Yes, I am a girl who is guilty of being attracted to the bad boys but in knowing that I have tried to correct that.  So far this hasn't worked out either, I find the "honest guys" interesting to talk to and fun to go out with but the sparks are just not there or they do stupid stuff like the guy above did.  I am an outgoing person, and can speak to anyone.  I have more male friends than I do girlfriends but it never seems to go beyond that.  One of my guy friends told me one time, and I find this interesting, that a lot of guys I scare them because I am so independent, could this be true?  Why would this scare someone?  I don't understand this puzzle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My independence developed because of my divorce and that I didn't have a spouse to depend on and this could be the funny twist of why men see me as unapproachable.  Is this messed up or what.
 
April 9, 2009, 8:06 pm CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: mscoffee

I'm 41 and barely over it but have used the dating sites.  Men have a smorgasbord of women to pick from and want to sample everything.  I haven't been giving out samples.  I'd like an activities partner just don't want the sex except that everything to men has to do with sex or money and if you aren't giving them either/or they are out of there.  I've never been married and have loved my own company and have plenty of family and friends around the area.  I just bought a 2006 PT Cruiser and am taking a driving test Oct 24th and looking forward to my freedom of taking road trips next year.  I'm always occupied.  I plan on finishing up my associates in science so i can go onto nursing school.  life isn't always about relationships but improving self and getting on with life.  too many people just want to wait to meet someone to make their lives happen.  too bad i'm getting on with mine. 
 This comes across as very bitter. "I want an activities partner, just dont want the sex" Well, a lot of men who are on the dating scene, flat out wont waste their time with you. This is how the system works, and I'm sure Dr, Phil would agree with me here. IF you are up front with them, perhaps one or two would be interested in doing the "just friends" thing, but for the most part, men out there, single are going to want a ROMANTIC partner to do the activities with. It's called "human nature" Enjoy your singlehood and Nursing School. However, the majority of the folks on this website are interested in actual DATING. This potentially involves sex, which you seem terrified of. Life isnt always about improving self and getting on with life. People hate being without a partner. Read some of these posts to find out what I am talking about.
 
April 11, 2009, 3:09 pm CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: katlynbuf

You might have a point some of the time but your reasoning is not always the rule.  When I divorced I specifically looked for just the opposite of what my ex was trying to remain open minded to all.  I had a guy call me for two years on and off who kept telling me that one day he was going to come over and pick me up and take me out to dinner.  Everytime he called to take me out to that dinner that he promised it was 9pm at night, during the week when I was trying to get my children in bed.  He was a hard working, never been married, successful and wealthy man who I had great conversation with but it never went past that.  He was not the kind of person that I would have picked out in a crowd but I did give him a chance but he blew it.  Yes, I am a girl who is guilty of being attracted to the bad boys but in knowing that I have tried to correct that.  So far this hasn't worked out either, I find the "honest guys" interesting to talk to and fun to go out with but the sparks are just not there or they do stupid stuff like the guy above did.  I am an outgoing person, and can speak to anyone.  I have more male friends than I do girlfriends but it never seems to go beyond that.  One of my guy friends told me one time, and I find this interesting, that a lot of guys I scare them because I am so independent, could this be true?  Why would this scare someone?  I don't understand this puzzle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My independence developed because of my divorce and that I didn't have a spouse to depend on and this could be the funny twist of why men see me as unapproachable.  Is this messed up or what.
 I dont feel that your independence has much to do with anything. A lot of men cannot tolerate clingy women. I'd say part of the reason that you are "unapproachable" is that you are one of these typical women who love the ":bad boys"...A close relative of mine is an "honest guy" an M.D. owns his own beautiful home, travels the globe, and is a wine and beer conneseur. Still, women like you find him "boring" because he is "too nice" They love to be his platonic friend, but when he wants to take things to the next level they tell him things like "I just dont see you that way" meanwhile, they are sleeping with their drug dealer. Then, after they get abused in some way, he gets the phone call from them at 3am, crying as to why he is such a jerk, ect, ad nauseum. This guy who tried to take you out at 9pm, he got rejected because why? How is he supposed to know that you have rugrats, and need to be in bed at 9pm? To a single man, that is ludicrous. It's called "find a sitter so you can carry on with your love life, or prepare to be an old maid"
 
April 13, 2009, 1:18 pm CDT

Breaking a date....

I know the answer pretty much...just wanted to get some other viewpoints please! [for future reference] I recently ran into an x-boyfriend. We were both born in 1960. He's been going through some difficulties - his step-mom was ill and just passed away, his divorce just became final after 2 years..and he also ended a relationship he had after the divorce. We've seen each other quite a few times over the last few months, not going out because he always said he didn't have time, was stressed etc. We've had some good talks, and yes we were intimate. He asked me out to dinner and was going to spend the night for the first time Friday night. I called him as planned to let him know what time I was available, he was supposed to come over when I called.  Instead, he said his friend stopped by and they were drinking beer, could he have a raincheck. He PROMISED he would take me to dinner on Wednesday when I cooked for him-HE asked ME. I said, No, tell him you have plans. When he still persisted, I said I don't want to force you to be with me if you don't want to but I am furious with you. He texted me later, saying sorry, please don't be mad. To me, it was insulting and rude. I felt used, hurt and mad. I told him this. I am not going to see him anymore. He acts like I should not have been mad, he said 'plans change'. Did I overreact? 
 
April 16, 2009, 9:09 pm CDT

Am I asking too much?

I am 36 dating a 46 year old man that I dated nearly 16 years ago before my only marriage which ended after 13 years last year due to abuse. Let me be clear. This man and I had not spoken or seen each other during my marriage. It had nothing to do with it ending. He lives two hours away. In my worst times I often wondered what my life would have been like with him. He never married and I thought I knew what love was until we were reunited and for the first time I really believe in soulmates...the problem, his mother is very religious and hates me. She has been living with him since his father died. She has told him me or her and has caused havic for months. I am going back to school and raising my two beautiful children and working so all we need to do at this point is grow our relationship in dating, but his mother causes him so much grief that we rarely see each other but talk everyday except the weekends because she calls me names and yells at him while we are on the phone. Aside from the "elephant in the room" he is the kindest and most wonderful man that I never thought existed. He feels obligated to his mother but wants a relationship with me, but not seeing each other regularly...it's hard and I just feel like I am playing a fool. His mother says that I should have stayed with my ex even if he beat me and the kids or was verbally abusive, that it was my obligation and my fault he did what he did and she uses her version of scripture to inflict her anger. I was raised in a pastor's home and was actually one of the good kids that got a raw deal in a marriage I didn't expect. He was completely different when dating and changed from day one. I love God and know that leaving was right and both the man in my life and myself believe we are not doing anything wrong by dating. I have let him go and told him I didn't want to destroy his relationship with his mother, but neither of us can bare to be without each other in our lives and we end up very shortly saying we are trying again. Am I being selfish by wanting a more normal relationship at the cost of his peace at home? Should I just be happy with what I can have for now?
 
April 18, 2009, 3:48 am CDT

Without even reading your whole post!!!

Quote From: lifestdent

I am 36 dating a 46 year old man that I dated nearly 16 years ago before my only marriage which ended after 13 years last year due to abuse. Let me be clear. This man and I had not spoken or seen each other during my marriage. It had nothing to do with it ending. He lives two hours away. In my worst times I often wondered what my life would have been like with him. He never married and I thought I knew what love was until we were reunited and for the first time I really believe in soulmates...the problem, his mother is very religious and hates me. She has been living with him since his father died. She has told him me or her and has caused havic for months. I am going back to school and raising my two beautiful children and working so all we need to do at this point is grow our relationship in dating, but his mother causes him so much grief that we rarely see each other but talk everyday except the weekends because she calls me names and yells at him while we are on the phone. Aside from the "elephant in the room" he is the kindest and most wonderful man that I never thought existed. He feels obligated to his mother but wants a relationship with me, but not seeing each other regularly...it's hard and I just feel like I am playing a fool. His mother says that I should have stayed with my ex even if he beat me and the kids or was verbally abusive, that it was my obligation and my fault he did what he did and she uses her version of scripture to inflict her anger. I was raised in a pastor's home and was actually one of the good kids that got a raw deal in a marriage I didn't expect. He was completely different when dating and changed from day one. I love God and know that leaving was right and both the man in my life and myself believe we are not doing anything wrong by dating. I have let him go and told him I didn't want to destroy his relationship with his mother, but neither of us can bare to be without each other in our lives and we end up very shortly saying we are trying again. Am I being selfish by wanting a more normal relationship at the cost of his peace at home? Should I just be happy with what I can have for now?

It really irks me to hear that a woman that is so "religious"....too rightous, and "hate" in the same sentence just upsets me even more! I think your man needs to step up to the plate and talk to his mother, whom is at least in her 70's, right? and talk to her like an adult...not a child to a mother.  She is running his life and this may be something you will have to live with, and love...or hate it, and leave.

 

Now the soulmate thing is this. A soulmate is someone we met in a past life so it is very comfortable to be around them. We have many soulmates in our lifetime! They pass through our lives to guide us, not necessarily stay around for the duration of it. 

 

If you don't want to destroy their relationship, then you need to find and dig deep, for the compassion and accepting he is not going to be available the way you want. Can you live with it the way it is? If you can't then you will constantly suffer.  Good luck.

 
April 18, 2009, 1:33 pm CDT

You did the right thing by leaving your abusive husband.

Quote From: lifestdent

I am 36 dating a 46 year old man that I dated nearly 16 years ago before my only marriage which ended after 13 years last year due to abuse. Let me be clear. This man and I had not spoken or seen each other during my marriage. It had nothing to do with it ending. He lives two hours away. In my worst times I often wondered what my life would have been like with him. He never married and I thought I knew what love was until we were reunited and for the first time I really believe in soulmates...the problem, his mother is very religious and hates me. She has been living with him since his father died. She has told him me or her and has caused havic for months. I am going back to school and raising my two beautiful children and working so all we need to do at this point is grow our relationship in dating, but his mother causes him so much grief that we rarely see each other but talk everyday except the weekends because she calls me names and yells at him while we are on the phone. Aside from the "elephant in the room" he is the kindest and most wonderful man that I never thought existed. He feels obligated to his mother but wants a relationship with me, but not seeing each other regularly...it's hard and I just feel like I am playing a fool. His mother says that I should have stayed with my ex even if he beat me and the kids or was verbally abusive, that it was my obligation and my fault he did what he did and she uses her version of scripture to inflict her anger. I was raised in a pastor's home and was actually one of the good kids that got a raw deal in a marriage I didn't expect. He was completely different when dating and changed from day one. I love God and know that leaving was right and both the man in my life and myself believe we are not doing anything wrong by dating. I have let him go and told him I didn't want to destroy his relationship with his mother, but neither of us can bare to be without each other in our lives and we end up very shortly saying we are trying again. Am I being selfish by wanting a more normal relationship at the cost of his peace at home? Should I just be happy with what I can have for now?
Your  man friends   mother is wrong by saying you should have stayed with your abusive husband! That is not gods will for you to be abused. The way she treats you is abusive. God is your judge not her.  You did nothing wrong. I too had to get out of an abusive marriage so I know what your going through. I have 1 boy which I am raising On my own with no help. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. This man friend needs to stop letting his mom run his life. He is old enough to make his own decisions. Until he is willing or able to do that I would not put your hopes up into having a normal relationship with him. Your just going to end up being hurt . I would just be friends with him for now .
 
April 19, 2009, 12:53 am CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: lucycunning

I am 51 years old, divorced twice.  First time after a 25 year marriage, second time after a 1 year marriage.  I am currently living with my boyfriend of 1 year.  During this year together, we have been through a lot and have survived pretty well.  We seem to have been able to work things out and stay on track.  The one issue that will not go away is his lying to me and I am at my wits end over it.  He is an alcoholic.  He says he knows it and says he can conquer it without help from anyone or any organization.  He did go to a couple of counseling sessions with me, but has now told me that he won't go to any more because it's always just the same thing over and over and he gets nothing out of it.  He says he has quit drinking completely, but has said this before and I eventually found out that he was sneaking drinks every chance he got.  i was out of state for the summer and we made a deal that I would only return home if he got help and quit for real.  He agreed to quit but not get help.  The whole time I was away, he swore he never took a drink.  I was suspicious a couple of times during phone conversations, but he adamantely denied drinking.  Since I have returned home, I have discovered that he was indeed drinking on those occasions (and probably more).  When i confront him about it, he denies denies denies.  He will not come clean.  I don't know what to do about the lying.  I am willing to help him kick the alcohol habit, and was totally committed to that until I caught him lying about it once again.  Now I don't know if I'm just being a fool to stay around when I know he lies to me.  Would sure love some good advice.

Sorry to say Honey, but you must move on, he can not change for you, only for himself. He needs to make a Decission, and it sounds like he's not ready for that. This has nothing to do with you, this is his stuff. You could also go to a program called Al-a-non, it's for people who love alcoholics. Good Luck to you
 
April 24, 2009, 3:36 am CDT

AGGHHHH!!! Boys never grow up!!!!

I am 42 years old; but, I don't look it.  I'm very petite and I don't look my age.  Men who look at me and ask me out without my ever even opening my mouth get shot down quicker than anything else!  I know they are basing it on my outward appearence and that mskes me mad!  I have a brain!  I own my own business; I can support myself and my family on my own and go to school full time.  There is more to a woman than what you see on the outside!  We have feelings and emotions; we have ideas and dreams.  We aren't a piece of meat!  Basing your dates on looks alone can leave you feeling very empty inside!!  Look beyond outward appearence to the heart...that is where true beauty lies....I know men are visual creatures, but honestly; it gets old!!!
 
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