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Topic : Dating After 40

Number of Replies: 1120
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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 12:18:36 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Whether you're new to the dating scene due to a breakup, or just still looking for Mr. Right, dating after 40 has some unique challenges. Share your stories, experiences and advice here.

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September 15, 2006, 5:07 am CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: piratefan

I have been divorced for over 6 years, have 3 grown children, (I'm in my early 50s) and have had one semi-serious relationship since my divorce (it lasted over a year and I ended it when he admitted that he didn't like my younger son).  My problem is that now I'm dating another man -- we've been dating for awhile now, and the last time we were together, and making love, he (in the heat of the moment, so to speak) took digital photos of my private areas.  Then, when I jokingly (because I didn't really know how to bring it up) confronted him the next morning, his first response was "Wow, it didn't have a flash, I didn't know you knew I was doing that!"  Then, the next evening he told me that he had deleted the pictures from his camera because he "felt bad and guilty".  I don't know if I believe that or not.  Also, he's EXTREMELY needy, always touching and rubbing me, subtly trying to make me feel guilty for not touching him constantly -- and still talks about his wife (who died more than 3 years ago) frequently, usually tearing up each and every time he talks about her.  I feel like I'm being obligated to care for this man and it's driving me away from him, but I'm afraid to tell him because I honestly don't know how he'll react.  Am I being overly sensitive or do I really have a problem?  I really feel like the camera thing was a violation -- but I'd like to hear from others out there -- maybe I am just being too picky -- I just don't know anymore.

Yes-The camera thing was a violation-You did not know about it and he should have asked you first-  I think he violated your rights-No -you are not picky-  Or being sensitive-  If he was caring then he would not have done that-

The other thing- It is obvious that he is not over his wife yet-   Three years?   Tha tis not fair to you that he keeps talking about her and crying like that-  (  Something tells me that he is 'pretending'that you are his'wife)-I mean- something is off here-  Please-I am not trying to be mean here- 

Personally-I think you can do better-And maybe wait a while before having sex with a man till you know him really well and that he is emotionally and mentally healthy-  You should not be afraid to tell how you feel-If he reacts badly-well then that is HIS problem not YOURS-  I am sorry-But this is NOT a healthy relatiosnhip -  I think you deserve better-  You are in your 50's-  Yes!  You deserve better than this-Did you see Dr Phil's show- all about Robin the other day?  

You deserve better-

Get rid of this guy and 'find' some one who will treat you like a queen! 

 
September 15, 2006, 2:25 pm CDT

he's not going to marry you

Quote From: darklore

 I have this problem with my boyfriend after he had givin me an angagment at that after being together for 5 years, now he is getting nervous. he does not want to go to a motel or hotel after we wed because he cannot afford it  i'm thinking how cheap can you get. he would rather stay home. he is 30 I am 52.

darklore

I can't tell you how many times I've seen this happen - a guy will give you an engagement ring just to shut you up, but if he doesn't set an actual marriage date at that time, he isn't interested in marriage. Even if he IS, do you want to be married to a cheapo like that?


My advice is to lose him, no matter how painful it is. Sounds like he's using you. Are you supporting him financially by any chance?

 
September 15, 2006, 2:29 pm CDT

I agree, that's just creepy

Quote From: hotnychick

Yes-The camera thing was a violation-You did not know about it and he should have asked you first-  I think he violated your rights-No -you are not picky-  Or being sensitive-  If he was caring then he would not have done that-

The other thing- It is obvious that he is not over his wife yet-   Three years?   Tha tis not fair to you that he keeps talking about her and crying like that-  (  Something tells me that he is 'pretending'that you are his'wife)-I mean- something is off here-  Please-I am not trying to be mean here- 

Personally-I think you can do better-And maybe wait a while before having sex with a man till you know him really well and that he is emotionally and mentally healthy-  You should not be afraid to tell how you feel-If he reacts badly-well then that is HIS problem not YOURS-  I am sorry-But this is NOT a healthy relatiosnhip -  I think you deserve better-  You are in your 50's-  Yes!  You deserve better than this-Did you see Dr Phil's show- all about Robin the other day?  

You deserve better-

Get rid of this guy and 'find' some one who will treat you like a queen! 

Taking photos of your lover's privates without asking first is... well, something a weirdo would do. Why would he hide his desire to do that? I don't think there's anything wrong with it but the fact he was doing it while he thought you didn't know is strange.
 
September 15, 2006, 2:43 pm CDT

at our age, the men worth having are all taken

Quote From: piscesgrll44

I am 45 and alone. I have been married twice and divorced twice, had a 2 year relationship and just recently broke up with the two year relationship. With the experiences that I have had from those relationships, I find my self questioning anyone that I meet, about their feelings, intentions, whether they are being sincere about what they say etc.  It has been hard for me to start a relationship because of the way I feel about men. I realize that not all men are alike but my heart tells me other wise. I need some advice about what I should do so I can move on and have a decent loving realtionship.

At least, that's how it seems to me. In the 8 years I've been divorced (I just turned 40), I've had ONE relationship that lasted longer than a couple of months. That one went for 7 months, and then he decided that I just wasn't the one. Even then, although I had decided to bloom where I was planted and just be happy with what I had, I knew I was settling for something less than what I really wanted. He's a nice person, took care of me, common interests/friends, we had good conversation even after 7 months, so despite a couple of largish issues, I decided I really could have a good life with this man. Then he dumped me.

 

Honestly, most guys that will make a real commitment to a woman who are in their 30s and 40s have already found her, if not raising kids by this time. The ones who are left - well, if you meet them, you'll see why they're alone. Lots of perverts, Peter Pans, momma's boys, just any number of strange-o's. I know at least a dozen women that I've had conversations with who are in their 30s, attractive (most are more attractive than I am, and I usually get good feedback from men), very smart, educated, with full and active lives, and they're still single -- not by choice but because they don't want to settle, and they can't find decent men in the right age range. No, a 23 year old just doesn't do anything for me. I'm not interested in raising my guy.

 
September 15, 2006, 9:31 pm CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: singleinwnc

Taking photos of your lover's privates without asking first is... well, something a weirdo would do. Why would he hide his desire to do that? I don't think there's anything wrong with it but the fact he was doing it while he thought you didn't know is strange.
I hope for her stake the pics do not end up on the internet-   There may be nothing wrong with taking pics-  you know how it goes- Pictures like that -with permission-or for private use-  This day and age-most pics like that wind up on the internet-Sickos- 
 
September 15, 2006, 9:44 pm CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: singleinwnc

At least, that's how it seems to me. In the 8 years I've been divorced (I just turned 40), I've had ONE relationship that lasted longer than a couple of months. That one went for 7 months, and then he decided that I just wasn't the one. Even then, although I had decided to bloom where I was planted and just be happy with what I had, I knew I was settling for something less than what I really wanted. He's a nice person, took care of me, common interests/friends, we had good conversation even after 7 months, so despite a couple of largish issues, I decided I really could have a good life with this man. Then he dumped me.

 

Honestly, most guys that will make a real commitment to a woman who are in their 30s and 40s have already found her, if not raising kids by this time. The ones who are left - well, if you meet them, you'll see why they're alone. Lots of perverts, Peter Pans, momma's boys, just any number of strange-o's. I know at least a dozen women that I've had conversations with who are in their 30s, attractive (most are more attractive than I am, and I usually get good feedback from men), very smart, educated, with full and active lives, and they're still single -- not by choice but because they don't want to settle, and they can't find decent men in the right age range. No, a 23 year old just doesn't do anything for me. I'm not interested in raising my guy.

You must get those negative voices out of your heads-  I am going to be 42 and I will not settle for less-  But I will NOT believe that meeting my true love and soul mate is not going to happen at my age or later on-  That is honest and I am being real-Ladies -please try to be more positive-  We need to encourage each other-not be depressed-Then let's change it-   

 

I more than anybody out there know how hard it is-  I have met all the mamma's boys and peter pans all all the rest you mentioned-  But guess what-    Take back your power-I have had to learn being depressed  and negative all the time about not finding true love by a certian age-doesn't help-

 

I am not a failure becaue I have not found real true love at my age-  

 
September 15, 2006, 9:48 pm CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: singleinwnc

At least, that's how it seems to me. In the 8 years I've been divorced (I just turned 40), I've had ONE relationship that lasted longer than a couple of months. That one went for 7 months, and then he decided that I just wasn't the one. Even then, although I had decided to bloom where I was planted and just be happy with what I had, I knew I was settling for something less than what I really wanted. He's a nice person, took care of me, common interests/friends, we had good conversation even after 7 months, so despite a couple of largish issues, I decided I really could have a good life with this man. Then he dumped me.

 

Honestly, most guys that will make a real commitment to a woman who are in their 30s and 40s have already found her, if not raising kids by this time. The ones who are left - well, if you meet them, you'll see why they're alone. Lots of perverts, Peter Pans, momma's boys, just any number of strange-o's. I know at least a dozen women that I've had conversations with who are in their 30s, attractive (most are more attractive than I am, and I usually get good feedback from men), very smart, educated, with full and active lives, and they're still single -- not by choice but because they don't want to settle, and they can't find decent men in the right age range. No, a 23 year old just doesn't do anything for me. I'm not interested in raising my guy.

Not ALL men worth having or taken-  Mine is out there working his way towards me-

 

 
September 15, 2006, 9:50 pm CDT

Shoot-A typo

Quote From: hotnychick

Not ALL men worth having or taken-  Mine is out there working his way towards me-

 

Not ALL men worth having ARE taken... Sorry for the typo-
 
September 16, 2006, 3:41 am CDT

Dating After 40

Quote From: hotnychick

You must get those negative voices out of your heads-  I am going to be 42 and I will not settle for less-  But I will NOT believe that meeting my true love and soul mate is not going to happen at my age or later on-  That is honest and I am being real-Ladies -please try to be more positive-  We need to encourage each other-not be depressed-Then let's change it-   

 

I more than anybody out there know how hard it is-  I have met all the mamma's boys and peter pans all all the rest you mentioned-  But guess what-    Take back your power-I have had to learn being depressed  and negative all the time about not finding true love by a certian age-doesn't help-

 

I am not a failure becaue I have not found real true love at my age-  

I am really trying to stay positive on that one-but, like I've said in other posts, I feel I am running out of time-and losing hope fast!!!  Where the hell are those guys?  I can't find them
 
September 17, 2006, 9:43 pm CDT

Don't give up on yourself

Quote From: piscesgrll44

I am 45 and alone. I have been married twice and divorced twice, had a 2 year relationship and just recently broke up with the two year relationship. With the experiences that I have had from those relationships, I find my self questioning anyone that I meet, about their feelings, intentions, whether they are being sincere about what they say etc.  It has been hard for me to start a relationship because of the way I feel about men. I realize that not all men are alike but my heart tells me other wise. I need some advice about what I should do so I can move on and have a decent loving realtionship.

I happen to be in the same kind of situation and am 45 yrs. old too. I would recommend finding a

female counselor to see weekly until you know that you are a special person with things to offer.

I would say work on yourself. Keep busy, smile, do some things for yourself that cause you to

be happy. Happy comes from within, we can't change anyone, only ourselves. Fiqure out the

truth of what happened in the past relationships and do things differently. Give yourself time

to heal and you will be able to love & trust again. Good Luck

 

 
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