Topic : Dating After 40

 Hi, I am 49 years old.

17 months ago, I met a man online  and have  been dating him steadily ever sing. After we began seeing each other(which was only  several weeks from initial contact/correspondence), he quickly advised me he was getting off the dating site and wanted me to do the same so that we could FOCUS on our relationship.

I was not aware that before he got off the site, he gave his phone number and email address to several different women. However about 6 months later, I came across some emails and phone bills which indicated he had remained friendly with several of the women and one particular woman he had spent 3 - 4 hours a week talking to. This continued for the first 4 months of our relationship and then stopped. Because it had stopped...I did not address  that incident  with him specifically .... However, I did make a point of telling him that corresponding IN ANY FORM with someone that was romantically interested in him was a HUGE NO NO to me and that I would consider it infidelity... emotional infidelity... regardless of whether he had physical contact with them. He thought I was making a big deal out of nothing and never admitted all the previous phone calls but said OK.

I also told him that in the future, if he were to be contacted by anyone, he was to tell me immediately...he again said OK.

I also learned that he was  still receiving phone calls and emails from a woman he lived with for 6 years... there are no children involved and so I find it ODD that they would continue to keep contact. I told him I was uncomfortable with this and again, he said I was over-reacting. The phone calls are short and she is always the one making them.... I don't know about emails... but still, he would not like it if I kept contact with someone from my past.

Fast Forward one year and I am at his office and pick up a message from this same woman that he had spent so much time talking to you in the past. Two messages in fact. I confronted him and he stated that he did not tell me about the calls because he thought I did not know about her and if he told me I would be angry and secondly he admitted to being flattered as to the reason he called her back. He claimed this phone call from her was OUT OF THE BLUE and that he called her and left a message that he was still in the same serious relationship and happy but commented that it was good to hear from her so naturally she called again.

The funny thing is... she called the office... he called her back from the office which tells me that he did so to prevent there being any record of the call on his cell phone.  Secondly, in the messages she left, she asked him to give her a TIME that they could talk. I find that really strange. It makes me believe that he has been talking to her or emailing her all along... i.e. that it really never stopped.....and that the 'time' comment was because he was going to have to come back to his office to call her after work (he would simply claim that he had to go back and do some work in his lab).

 He does NOT want to discuss this whole issue... he just wants to apologize and move on. Again he claims that she just called him OUT OF THE BLUE... which I find really hard to believe... that a woman would contact someone AFTER ONE YEAR if there was not something continually going on... at least some sort of contact. He would never have told me if I had not found the messages.

I told him to send her an email and tell her NEVER to contact him again ... HE DID... but only after I gave him an ultimatum.

The more I think about it, the angrier I am becoming. He knows I can pick up his messages and/or look at his cell phone records... but I can't do so with his office email and/or phone... so I am beginning to think he is using those to keep contact with others.

He has told me he won't do it again... but honestly... at this point, I really don’t trust him. He was sexually abused as a child and I know that causes people to have issues with boundaries... and as an adult he has struggled with alcohol although he seems to have that under control.

I am really not quite sure what to do... I don’t want to waste any more time with a man that can not commit to just me. This appears to be more than a boundary issue... I think he needs other women in his life to build his self esteem... and if so... and if that is what he chooses... then fine... but he needs to at least be honest about it because I am NOT interested in that sort of man. Granted he is not seeing this woman(she lives several states away) but I am still hurt and confused. Why would he continue to talk to her???

He says he truly loves me and we really get along great in every aspect but this one. I am not really sure, at this point, what to do.

I don’t want to become hyper vigilant  but now I don't trust him to be truthful to me.... I want someone who will be totally honest with me....TOTALLY.  I have given my heart and soul to this man so I am really struggling with WHY he refuses to stop a behavior that is hurtful to me.

Again, this woman is NOT a friend.  This is someone romantically interested in him.

Please give me your thoughts....should I just end this relationship and move on??? 

Lela

OK I need help.  I finally gave in to meeting this man that I have spoken too off and on over the Internet on dating sites for 9 months.  In the past, we have always talked about the men or the woman that we have spoken too or even met from the dating sites.  We both have run across the same things and are tired of being all the bs that is on those sites.

I have always been open, honest and out spoken with him, I have never held anything back from him and I will say he has done the same with me. 

We both have alot in common, our biggest common factor is our daughters.  We both have daughters who are very close in age, that are inter- racial.  We both have come across those that are closed minded and can't see past the color of one's skin.  Besides that, we both have the same wants and desires for our daughters, and have sheltered them from any type of relationships we have been in, and both of our daughters have not been sheltered by their non-custodial parents.

Well, like I said, I finally gave in and we got together at his home, since he is a Dad 24/7, for drinks, and those drinks led to other things, which were all wonderful, this was 2 weeks ago.  Since then I have seen him on 4 other occassions, since the only time we have is the weekends.  This past week in a phone conversation, I told him I would be making a pot of Sauce and would he love some, he said yes, so Saturday Morning I got early made the sauce which took over 3 hours, because of the meat balls and Sausage.  I then left him a message, I finsihed the sauce, I am going to lay down for a bit, I am tired, I was out late the night before with friends, so call me when you get a chance.  he was working that day, so I didn't hear back from him till 9pm.  he said he was tired and he was sorry, he didn't expect to work till 9pm.  I said I understand, some things you just can't help.  He said he had to get his daughter to bed, and walk his dog.  That he will call me back  when he was done too see how tired he was.  I said fine, I was just getting dressed anyway.  He did call back and he was very undecided about me coming up to his home, since he was tired.  I said well then you go and get a good nights sleep, I will talk to you another time, and while I was doing that, I was putting on my shoes, I had told him that since my plans for this evening had changed I was staying at home I was going out.  I was telling him this as I was getting into my car.  he asked where I was heading to and I said a bar, that I don't plan on sitting in the house by myself.  I said you have a good night and sweet dreams, and said goodbye, as I was hanging up the phone he had said something but I didn't hear it cause I had pushed end call.  I went to the bar, and within 30mins I had received a missed call and it was from him.  I went outside to take it, and when I called him back, I said sorry I didn't hear the phone ring, it is very noisey where I am at, that I hd to come outside to call him.  I said I thought you were going to bed, that you were tired, he stated that he caught his 2nd wind and wanted me to come up there, so I did. 

My friends say that if I had stayed at home, he would never of called me but since he knew I was going to a bar, he was afraid that I might meet someone and hook up with them, that is why he caught his 2nd wind. 

I would like to know what your thoughts are on the matter,now I will tell you what happened on Sunday.

Sunday afternoon I get an email from him, now mind you I just left his home that morning around 8:15 am.  He is accussing me of being some female asking him alot of questions on a dating site.  My response back was HuH!  What are you talking about?  And you had told me you were tired of the dating sites and the lying woman on them, and that you weren't reactivating your account again, that you had enough.  So, yes I caught him in a lie.

He then responded back with another email:  Copied and pasted:

Oh Boy-  Thanks for saying something-  I have done the online thing-And NO SUCH LUCK-  You now what I mean?

I do not think it is in my stars either-But my heart will not allow me to give up-BUT-  I think it is my mans' turn to look and search for me-  It takes two-right?  Now it is HIS turn to find me-

By the way-you brought up a really good point-  Online dating IS NOT CHEAP!!!!    I  not have that kind of money to 'waste'-     If some one wants to spend GOBS of money on dating sites- with sometimes little success-fine-It's their money  -

Every once in a while-I look to see if there are free dating sites-  There out there- 

If some one SUCCESSFULLY finds true love on line-good for you-

But I think the magority of the time-people are just frustrated and in debt as well-

I am glad you posted something-Thank you-  Nice to know I am not alone in this-  

Frustrating-isn't it?

Take care-And thanks for reading my posts-  You are NOT alone!

And try NOT to give up-OK?

so what is different we are older, have we learned something? Not to settle for less? I am 52 made twice at least the mistake to get smart and settle for less, 9 years with a drinking drug user, who abandoned me! just now again but I 'did not realize'there was a drugs problem, but this lasted just 2 months.

So better not settle for less, it just won'tdo. Have I learned? From the last one not to trust the smarttalk, take my time. If I am ever going to be for longer with a person it hs to be fun, a real good communication and friendship, no more crazy people.

We have a choice maybe that is the advantage about being older, knowing self better. I am happy doing what I do, this is not going to change, but still...

I  read your post-Very good post!!!!!!!!!!!!     Thank you!!

Have had similar experience with last boyfriend.  Knew he had bad past but at the wise old age of 45 still thought he might be ready to grow up.  Long story short, we were friends for a couple of months.  Ended up in bed almost by accident and the hormones flew - have you heard of oxytocin?  Not oxycotin - had men that had been there too!!!

Anyway, after an extremely bitter, disappointing divorce I hadn't dated in five years.  Had gained some weight, had been drinking previously, and getting over serious illness.  Had lost weight, feeling much better, looking great when he came into my life.  I emphasized that I had to have absolute honesty in a relationship.  Also told him of all of my ex's misbehavior.  When it was all said and done I felt like he was making mental notes like, she'll accept lying, drugs, stealing, etc., etc., etc.,

Between the hormones and the absolute hope that things might work out, I overlooked alot of conflicting stories, outright lies, and other seemingly small but telling hints - no absolute obvious facts that he wasn't a good honest guy I was looking for.  Finally with the help of a few good friends, and wisdom from relationships past I was able to boot him.  Our stories are somewhat different but the point I'm trying to get across is if your gut is telling you something, listen.  Although it was hard to restart living single again, I'm much happier that I did.  I've also found that making a few good friends has made all of the difference.  Denise

I’m in love with a man with a complicated life. His wife died of cancer 7 years ago and left him to raise a daughter with cystic fibrosis. I’ve been dating him for five years now and things are getting more complicated than ever. His daughter (who is 18 years old now) has used his guilt against him to control him and not let him move forward with our life together, always letting me know she comes first. We built a house together and had planned on moving into it until “Dana” wanted to move up town so her father and her have recently gotten a rental house together and are living there together. I on the other hand am just waiting for mine and his relationship to begin with some us time. ~Examples~ we will be together and she will call around 6-7 times not letting us have any alone time. He is there for her beck n call and I’m left waiting again. The other night we were in an “intimate” moment and she called his cell and he jumps up and answers it and continues to talk! I know that he feels like if he is not with her all the time and gives her whatever she wants then he feels that when she gets sick again he will feel like a bad father, but I am again waiting behind her or on the sidelines. I’m very confused because we both want this to work but I believe I can only give so much without getting anything back. We have taken breaks before and I always end up going back because I do sympathize on some levels with him and feel sorry for him when he is crying to me about his bad childhood.  If anyone could help on this matter or give advice please.