I have been dating a man for 2 years. He has been divorced for 6, and previously to that he was married for 20 years. She left him for another man. After they divorced, they remained friends and would go out to eat at least once a week. He began dating other women, and would still visit his ex-wife and attend funtions with her family. This caused problems in his dating relationships, so to avoid conflict he would quit calling the girls he dated. Finally, he said he realized that he needed to move on. Before we started dating he quit visiting his ex and quit calling her as frequently. When we began dating, he quit almost completely. However, she would email him asking why he was "casting" her aside. She would ask him to come to dinner. In the emails she would tell him that she wanted to go on a date with him. His response was "lets make it happen". I found these emails and confronted him. He apologized and said that he didn't think he did anything wrong. He said he was in love with me, but still had a friendship with his ex. He said this was all it was, only a friendship. I asked him if he wanted to get back with her and he said no. He promised to change, but I continued to find that he was calling her. Their calls were about 3-4 times weekly, and would last between 20 minutes - sometimes 2 hours. Several times he has told her that he felt that they shouldn't be talking and emailing while they are both dating other people. Her response is always, "OK, I won't call you anymore. If you want to talk to me, the ball is in your court." But if he doesn't call her after a few days, she will bombard him with emails telling him how depressed she is. And that she misses him. She will remind him of their happy times in their marriage. Once when he told her that he needed to quit talking to her, she brought over a bag of old photos of them together, and her familly. She said she had cleaned out a desk and thought he would want these. I told him I felt that she was using the photos and memos to try to drudge up memories in him, but he said her motives were pure.
I have tried talking to her, asking her to respect our relationship. But she will insist to me that he is the one who is calling her. She will say that she wants him to be happy, and would never interfere in our relationship. She insists that their friendship is innocent, and should not effect our relationship.
He has told me that when he talks to her, he doesn't mention me or things we do together because this would upset her. However, he has on occasion phoned her when we have been in an argument. (She is the only thing we argue about). He says he needs to talk about our problems and she is really the only friend he has that he can talk to. She invites him to her nieces soccer games and graduations. He does not want me to go to these with him because he says it would make him and her family uncomfortable.
Although I care about this man deeply, and apart from this he is a wonderful man I know that I cannot keep dating him. My self-esteem has taking a terrible hit. The continued lies and disregard for my feelings have hurt me almost beyond repair. But my question is, why do these two persist in this? She has been dating the same man since their divorce 6 years ago. If she still has feelings for her ex, why hasn't she ended her other relationship? They talk much more now than before he began dating me. Why didn't she tell him all the things she says now before he began dating me? Is this a game to her? Or does she truly care for him? Why has he never been able to break off ties with his ex?
