Message Boards

Topic : 09/11 Biggest Love Mistakes

Number of Replies: 155
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 01:42:51 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your friend or loved one making a serious error in judgment? Is he or she falling for or about to marry the wrong person? Christa thinks her husband, Matt, is having an emotional affair with their adopted 18-year-old daughter, Nadia. She says he even gave Nadia a private cell phone so just the two of them could talk. Matt feels that Christa is overreacting and has always been jealous. Is Matt just a doting father, or is he acting inappropriately with Nadia? Then, Jaime feels guilty for being in love with the man who killed her brother 12 years ago. The man is still in prison, but Jaime believes he's rehabilitated. Her family friend, Sue, says the affair needs to stop right now. Is Jaime's heart in the right place, or is she being conned? Share yur thoughts, join the discussion.

Find out what happened on the show.

More September 2006 Show Boards.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

September 9, 2006, 9:45 am CDT

red flags everywhere

When I read the story about the Father and Daughter cell phone story red flags went straight up! The wife is right on to be suspicious!  Even though Nadia is their daughter he may find the excuse that she is not related by blood so he isn't doing anything wrong! Woody Allen ring a bell? He needs to stop now before he betrays both his wife and daugher and ruins their relationship.
 
September 9, 2006, 9:47 am CDT

This is asecond edition of my reply to this woman. I apoplogize again! I just took more time here. Thank you for just posting this one if you can. Title "Hope this will help' instead of "ohh goood..."

Quote From: lindyland

My 30 year old daughter has 4 children (all born outside of marriage by different fathers) . I bought some property far from where we lived and she moved there to make a new start. She was pregnant when she moved, and only recently weaned her baby (2.5 years after the move) but within DAYS of weaning the baby she had hooked up with an ex-felon who has 2 babies by 2 different women (born 28 days apart). I suspect he, the man, suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome because he seems simple in many ways. My daughter moved him and one of his babies into the 6 bedroom house I built her. I told her I didn't want him living on my property so if she wanted to live with him she would have to move. He ended up moving out but he left the one baby behind with her and left her pregnant! She says they are still in love. To top off this whole Jerry Springer-like story, my 15 year old granddaughter has been acting out to such a point that she was cutting herself and choking herself. I offered to take her and Social Services backed me up so now she's living with me. Wow. Any advice? I sure don't want my grand daughter to go down the same path as her mother. I also recognize that I have limited power and rights to tell my adult daughter anything. By the way, my other kids are normal, healthy, functioning, etc. If I'm doing something wrong - tell me! And if I'm not and I just need to let go, some encouragement would be great. Thanks.
There are all "babies" if your daughter is 30?!!! Now I come in peace to you with no judgement although your situation brings me to feeling very intensely that there is a huge lack of love coming from far away somewhere in the family. Your daughter who throws herself, probably desperately or in "it just needs to happen or i'll die" type of thinking, or clicking, with a lot of passion into the arms of men who will make love to her... I grasp the state and would like to tell you more. Ohhh my God, the other daughter, you are right to not want her to become the same as her mother. I also think that it would be better off sending her out, with your loving support, and friendship, to a creative educational place or a resource group or etc. where she would love to evolve within for awhile. Now, your daughter, 30, 4 little lives at her knees, one other that comes from the ex infidelity, the one in her, God!... I definitely think she needs to answer intensely to an ultimatum you give her. My suggestion and you are free to accept or not: Either she cuts this guy loose, give his mistresse’s baby back to him and get rid of his stuff, TO START a project with you, your support, of building her self esteem back up and creating a very large RESOURCE GROUP involving, researching for therapists, teachers, psychologists, sport trainers, voice coach, a teacher in canada, me haha, etc. to not have it all on the mothers' shoulders. The mother needs maybe to be there, with limits though, that is what my intuition tells me. So it is either this project starts, like that and have the four kids in one structure no matter where they came from or Good bye and make it on your own, I am keeping your oldest daughter ( I presume here ) for education, re education. And maybe you too would benefit from some help psychologically to go through this and understand all your self and more at a deeper level. Please accept my sincere sympathy and infinite compassion. Synthia Borilekic from Montreal
 
September 9, 2006, 10:46 am CDT

love mistakes

getting a child a cell phone so just the 2 of them can talk! Wow lady wake up this is not a good sign. I myself raised 3 daughters and 2 were from thr first marrage the 3rd was from the second marriage. I should have relised that when my second husband paid much more attention to one of the older daughters that is was just not right. Now after 30 years of merriage & now a divorce that daughter tells me what my ex was up to. not good. Please Dr. Phill wake this lady up before it is to late.
 
September 9, 2006, 11:16 am CDT

Inappropriate Attachments

A year ago, I would have passed this topic by without a second glance.  But following the death of my husband's best friend after a short and unexpected but gruesome illness, it seems my own decades-long marriage has become threatened by his near obsession and concern for the widow.  Don't misunderstand.....I think that it is very important that friends show care, concern and compassion for friends who have lost their significant other.  But he was able to talk of nothing else for weeks....he turned to late evening cell phone calls to her "because I think late night is when she would become especially lonely."  When I suggested that we should console her TOGETHER, he would get irritable and contend that this was something HE needed to do on his own.  One thing that I just could not and still CAN NOT accept or tolerate was his offering to take her for a ride through the country in his truck, "just to get her out of there for awhile."  I'm sorry, but he is NOT a counselor.....it was NOT appropriate for a MARRIED MAN to be so attentive to another woman, REGARDLESS of the circumstances.  We had fight after fight over his continued behavior and the fact that he thought of her non-stop while leaving his own family out in the cold.  He endangered the livlihood of his own business because of his lack of care and concern for his own life while contending that "we shared something special....I just can't cut it off with her with the snap of my fingers!"  I maintain that is exactly what he SHOULD have done.......on more than one occasion when he was so worried about HER.......I told him the following:  "She's getting up and out of bed everyday......putting one foot in front of the next......she's keeping her house clean, dressing well, going to work, going to church, camping with her family, babysitting her granddaughter, getting out and about......YOU'RE the one that can't function here."  In essence, i held his toes to the fire and it was very ugly from time to time.  Now, almost 6 months later, I still have trust issues with him......still wonder where he is if he isn't home in the evenings.....still believe that he crossed the line.  THIS WOMAN DID NOTHING WRONG.......HE DID.  Things are better, BUT....we go through the daily motions of our marriage with this big ELEPHANT between us.....I can TELL and FEEL when he's thinking about her.....and it eats me alive.  There is so much more, but I believe in peeling back the details and looking at the CORE of things........and basically, it is this:  he spent day after day watching his friend die and could do nothing about it.....it overwhelmed him and he used terrible judgement in attempting to deal with it afterward.  A counselor I talked to advised me to have one of his good male friends hold his toes to the fire and help him see where he was going astray.  I couldn't do it because.......it's MY marriage and up to ME to set it straight.  I still believe in that philosophy, but it has sure taken a toll.  At one point, from the depths of despair, all I wanted was to MATTER.  I wonder what will happen as we grow closer to the holidays which will be the anniversary of when his friend was first diagnosed.  I hope I have the energy to deal with the fallout and especially dread the next time we have to see his wife.  It's been far too long already but I felt my husband needed to distance himself from her and gain some perspective.  I worry that he'll start this whole shebang all over again when that happens and I'm not sure I'm up for dealing with it all another time.  Has anyone else ever experienced this kind of a mess?  It truly underscored the statement that it's not what you expect to happen that gets you down.....it's what hits you broadside.  Don't EVER.....EVER......take your relationships for granted.
 
September 9, 2006, 11:25 am CDT

This has probably been building for years

Quote From: niobe66

 

I can't believe that this woman would allow that kind of 'private' relationship to develop between her husband and her daughter?  Did someone mention curbs?

My guess is that this person's suspicions are well-founded, and that she knows it, and has known it for a long time.

 

As a longtime family law attorney, I am shocked, disgusted and sad, about the frequency with which I hear this scenario, and action-oriented in my recommendations about dealing with it.  It is best - without judgment, accusation, or threat - to ask one's daughter if her father is relating with her in a way that makes her feel guilty, uncomfortable, pressured or "special".  The problem is that this man - bolstered by the fact that this is not his biological daughter, and that that fact makes his behavior less wrong - has very likely been courting this girl for years. Little by little he has coaxed or disciplined her away from social interaction with peers; dates are out, his word is law, and,, worst of all, he has systematically disrupted the relationship between the mother and the child.  These men tell the child that the mother would not understand, would be jealous, doesn't really have the child's best interests at heart, in fact, doesn't know or understand her as he does.

 

If nothing can be determined quickly about the truth or falsity of the mother's suspicions, it is literally life and death for her to err on the side of caution and protection of her child. Have the man leave or be removed from the home. Permit communication only when mother is in earshot or on the extension. Because 18 year old girls always know better than their mother - intensified when a father is actively undermining - if not destroying - the relationship between the girl and her mother, outside help may be required.  If the 18 year old balks, find a way to work professional help into the picture. The father cannot return until all suspicion has been laid aside.

 

Sometimes the mother's response is affected by her own history of sexual abuse, and a part of her considers the abuse of her child inevitable. Often there are serious problems in the marriage. In a very recent case, the husband is impotent, and the couple have not been intimate for years. As the older of her two daughter said: "dad is trying to make us into someone he'd want for a girlfriend or wife." This lovely woman could not see how her husband's excessive attention to the girls did not make him a "wonderful father," but a sexual abuser.

 
September 9, 2006, 11:39 am CDT

Normal Like two heads on a kangaroo

Quote From: lindyland

My 30 year old daughter has 4 children (all born outside of marriage by different fathers) . I bought some property far from where we lived and she moved there to make a new start. She was pregnant when she moved, and only recently weaned her baby (2.5 years after the move) but within DAYS of weaning the baby she had hooked up with an ex-felon who has 2 babies by 2 different women (born 28 days apart). I suspect he, the man, suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome because he seems simple in many ways. My daughter moved him and one of his babies into the 6 bedroom house I built her. I told her I didn't want him living on my property so if she wanted to live with him she would have to move. He ended up moving out but he left the one baby behind with her and left her pregnant! She says they are still in love. To top off this whole Jerry Springer-like story, my 15 year old granddaughter has been acting out to such a point that she was cutting herself and choking herself. I offered to take her and Social Services backed me up so now she's living with me. Wow. Any advice? I sure don't want my grand daughter to go down the same path as her mother. I also recognize that I have limited power and rights to tell my adult daughter anything. By the way, my other kids are normal, healthy, functioning, etc. If I'm doing something wrong - tell me! And if I'm not and I just need to let go, some encouragement would be great. Thanks.

Sorry to inform you but your daughter is not normal. Four children with four different fathers. That's a family of five adults, four children. Her new man is not either. Two children with one father and two mothers. Do the sums, that's eight adults to 6 children. If she and he have a child and the other five partners have at least one that's another another six children. Do the maths, that's twelve children and another five adults, that's the original eight and a further five. Thirteen parents to twelve children and you think that that is normal. I quiery you analysis that any of this is normal. As for the grandchild I would definately seek coucilling for her and very soon and for some time and keep her distanced from her mother. Usually when a teen starts to mutilate her/his body they think that they are totally unworthy and do it to punish themselves. They are prone to suicide. You must build up her confidence. Make a special effort to praise her for all that she does well. Work on her appearance and her self-esteem. Do not tell her that her mother is normal. If you don't want to critise your daughter say nothing and keep her away from those who would critise her. There's not much you can do for the other children unless they are placed in her care. The best of luck and I hope that all goes well for the two of you. There is no hope for your daughter.

 
September 9, 2006, 11:49 am CDT

Wonderland

Quote From: niobe66

 

I can't believe that this woman would allow that kind of 'private' relationship to develop between her husband and her daughter?  Did someone mention curbs?

If indeed the husband is having an emotional affair with the daughter then why don't you perform the duties of a mother and stop the whole thing. Take the phone from the daughter and lay down some moral to your husband. This sort of thing could escalate in the future and ruin the childs life. If this doesn't work then I would leave him and take your daughter out of harms way.

 

The girl who is in contact with the man responsible for her brother's death should stop immediately. It is morbid. If released she may find herself sharing her brother's gravestone. It's not right for a young girl. Did she love her brother? It sounds to me that there is not enough input by the parents and that will be why so many need counciling these days. Their parents haven't grown up or don't have enough interest in their children.

 
September 9, 2006, 12:08 pm CDT

Some Women Don't EVER get it!

This reminds me of my sister-in-law.  Wonderful Christian lady who could not make anything but bad decisions concerning men.  She "fell in love" with a con=man straight from prision and no matter how much agony they caused the family or how much of her savings he depleted single handed she could never believe it. 

 

Sadly what ended the affair was her death.

 

Jaime wake up don't follow this path.

 
September 9, 2006, 12:30 pm CDT

Can't imagine....

Quote From: niobe66

Did Jamie despise her brother for something?  She must, otherwise out of loyalty and love for her brother she wouldn't have anything to do with this murderer let alone 'love' him.  He is a murderer.  He hurts people.  What perverse thinking is going on in that woman's head.
I can't imagine falling in love with someone who murdered a member of my family, whether he's changed or not. I'd never be able to look them in the eye without getting upset let alone fall for them. Every time she looks in his eyes, won't she see her brother looking back?
 
September 9, 2006, 1:35 pm CDT

09/11 Biggest Love Mistakes

Quote From: dotell

Sorry to inform you but your daughter is not normal. Four children with four different fathers. That's a family of five adults, four children. Her new man is not either. Two children with one father and two mothers. Do the sums, that's eight adults to 6 children. If she and he have a child and the other five partners have at least one that's another another six children. Do the maths, that's twelve children and another five adults, that's the original eight and a further five. Thirteen parents to twelve children and you think that that is normal. I quiery you analysis that any of this is normal. As for the grandchild I would definately seek coucilling for her and very soon and for some time and keep her distanced from her mother. Usually when a teen starts to mutilate her/his body they think that they are totally unworthy and do it to punish themselves. They are prone to suicide. You must build up her confidence. Make a special effort to praise her for all that she does well. Work on her appearance and her self-esteem. Do not tell her that her mother is normal. If you don't want to critise your daughter say nothing and keep her away from those who would critise her. There's not much you can do for the other children unless they are placed in her care. The best of luck and I hope that all goes well for the two of you. There is no hope for your daughter.

I will have to agree with what most of the last person's quote. If you are able to take care of her other children including the 15 year old I would most definitely do it. You wouldn't want the other children to go down their half sister's path as they get older, or deal with the issues your daughter has selfishly put on them. They are completely innocent to all of this and shouldn't have to go through all of this confusion. I wish your daughter would get help, but it sounds like that idea has gone out the window for her. At least there is hope for the children since they have such a caring grandmother willing to care for them. You have a great heart to help her the way you have, but it is time to let her go. Those children are a part of you too, so you do have the right to have concern for them and seek what is right for them. Please pay close attention to the 15 year old, and let her know this is not her fault. I wish you the best to you and your family.   
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Next | Last