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Topic : 09/11 Biggest Love Mistakes

Number of Replies: 155
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Created on : Friday, September 08, 2006, 01:42:51 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Is your friend or loved one making a serious error in judgment? Is he or she falling for or about to marry the wrong person? Christa thinks her husband, Matt, is having an emotional affair with their adopted 18-year-old daughter, Nadia. She says he even gave Nadia a private cell phone so just the two of them could talk. Matt feels that Christa is overreacting and has always been jealous. Is Matt just a doting father, or is he acting inappropriately with Nadia? Then, Jaime feels guilty for being in love with the man who killed her brother 12 years ago. The man is still in prison, but Jaime believes he's rehabilitated. Her family friend, Sue, says the affair needs to stop right now. Is Jaime's heart in the right place, or is she being conned? Share yur thoughts, join the discussion.

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September 11, 2006, 3:30 am CDT

Sounds like something is going on

Does he call his wife as much as he calls his daughter, if so there could be something going on. It may not be all one sided
 
September 11, 2006, 4:57 am CDT

09/11 Biggest Love Mistakes

Quote From: lindyland

My 30 year old daughter has 4 children (all born outside of marriage by different fathers) . I bought some property far from where we lived and she moved there to make a new start. She was pregnant when she moved, and only recently weaned her baby (2.5 years after the move) but within DAYS of weaning the baby she had hooked up with an ex-felon who has 2 babies by 2 different women (born 28 days apart). I suspect he, the man, suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome because he seems simple in many ways. My daughter moved him and one of his babies into the 6 bedroom house I built her. I told her I didn't want him living on my property so if she wanted to live with him she would have to move. He ended up moving out but he left the one baby behind with her and left her pregnant! She says they are still in love. To top off this whole Jerry Springer-like story, my 15 year old granddaughter has been acting out to such a point that she was cutting herself and choking herself. I offered to take her and Social Services backed me up so now she's living with me. Wow. Any advice? I sure don't want my grand daughter to go down the same path as her mother. I also recognize that I have limited power and rights to tell my adult daughter anything. By the way, my other kids are normal, healthy, functioning, etc. If I'm doing something wrong - tell me! And if I'm not and I just need to let go, some encouragement would be great. Thanks.
One thing I can see is  you are enabling this girl. I know you want your grandchildren to have a roof over their heads but I don't know if your having a house built for your daughter was the best solution. Maybe you should look into getting custody of her children and get her committed. Seems to me like she needs a lot of help.
 
September 11, 2006, 5:59 am CDT

I think he's way out of line

I think that he is definitley being inappropriate with Nadia. There is no reason for him to be getting her a private cell phone just so that the two of them could talk. I wouldn't give her a cell phone period at the age of 16 unless she's able to pay for it herself. I would have felt extremely uncomfortable with my step father if he ever did anything like that. And as for the one being in love with a guy who killed her brother, let's face it, you can't help who you are in love with, you aren't supposed to. But on the other hand, I don't feel that she should act on it because it was her brother and family is more important than some guy.
 
September 11, 2006, 7:05 am CDT

Don't think it's the girl's fault

I really think this guy is going through his second childhood, and he is using poor Nadia to do it.  She just wants affection; he wants something else, whether he admits to it or not.  If the wife wants to be fair to Nadia, she'll leave her husband and get her away from this guy.  He could end up a pervert before it's all over with, and willing participant or not, Nadia will become a victim.  If your husband is acting like a giddy pervert, leave him.  Don't blame the girl, blame the ADULT MALE.  Leave before he acts on his urges.
 
September 11, 2006, 7:44 am CDT

This guy puts the creep in creepy

From what I have read, this guy seems to have some major wires crossed.  I think that any man who "dotes" so much on ANY child (male or female)  has a problem.  There is a very fine line between being a loving father and things going to inappropriate levels.  There is NO need for a private cell phone if there is nothing to hide.  Part of me wonders if there is some level of sexual abuse going on here(touching, verbal-phone sex, etc.).  If I were his wife, I'd start looking back and see if there is a pattern of similar behavior(s).  I am sure that is not the first time he has felt this way about/with young girls.
 
September 11, 2006, 7:54 am CDT

Matt & Christa - Dr. Phil has missed it again!

Dr. Phil has once again, IMO, completely missed the boat on this one and missed a great opportunity to bring to light a growing issue that gets way too little attention.

 

Let me make it clear that I completely agree that Matt's attention to Nadia is completely inappropriate.  There is no excuse for his behavoir and Nadia is the victim here.

 

My problem is what was not said about Matt and Christa's relationship.  I could have written Christa's story myself.  From the moment my h and I got married, he changed.  Before we married, he was loving, affectionate, and couldn't keep his hands off of me.  As soon as we said "I do", that all changed.  We had a two week honeymoon in Hawaii where we made love exactly 3 times...and they were less than satisfactory.  After returning home, we became, as Christa mentionted, just roommates.  Our sex life was almost non-existant.  I could not figure out what was going on...I thought I was going crazy.  How could a man change like this almost overnight?

 

We went into marriage counseling, but he was always resistant to it and not much changed.  I was at the end of my rope.  I finally got part of the answer 3 years after our wedding and one month after our son was born...I found out that my h was addicted to pornography and masturbation.  He began a recovery program (12-step) and counseling, but he only played at it...he never really worked at it like he needed to.

 

One year later, I finally got the other piece to the puzzled.  I had joined an online support group for spouses of sex addicts and someone mentioned "sexual anorexia".  When I researched it, I knew that was the biggest part of our problem.  My h was a sexual anorexic. 

 

Sexual anorexia is the complete avoidance of any type of *intimacy*...sexual, emotional, and/or spiritual.  The sexual anorexic can be a sex addict...sex without relationship is "safe" for them.  They marry because they believe that it will "fix" them.  But it doesn't and life in this marriage becomes a living hell for the spouse.

 

I, like Christa, become controlling...first trying to control our marriage, trying to fix it (before I knew what the problems were), trying to *make* him love me and desire me.  I tried to change everything about me to make myself more attractive to him.  I became a shell of the loving, vibrant, life-loving person I was before I got married.

 

My h and I are now separated and are probably headed for divorce.  He has been in and out of recovery programs, but never sticks with any for very long.  As soon as it gets to the point where he really has to choose to stop the addictive behavoirs, he refuses and quits. 

 

As for me, during our 4 years of separation, I have found myself again!  I know that none of this was my fault and that I couldn't fix it or control it.  I have my life back again and will never ever go back into that dark hole again.  And this is why I get so frustrated when I clearly see a Dr Phil guest that is so blatantly a sex addict and a sexual anorexic and Dr. Phil says nothing about it!  There are thousands of women out there are are living the same nightmare that I did and have no idea what they are dealing with.  What a wonderful service Dr Phil would be doing for them to let them know that it's not about them...they didn't cause it, they can't fix it, and they can't control it.

 

I encourage anyone who can relate to my story or to Christa's to do their own research.  You can start with the following websites...

 

www.sexhelp.com (website of Dr. Patrick Carnes)

www.sexaddict.com  (website of Dr. Doug Weiss)

a google search for the term "Sexual Anorexia" will also give you many good places to get some great information.

 

I would also like to see Dr Phil do a whole show on this topic...it is a growing problem that needs to have attention brought to it.

 

Blessings!

Kim

 

 
September 11, 2006, 9:24 am CDT

Dr. Phil what are U thinking???

I agree that maybe getting involved with someone whom killed a family member is not a very appropriate thing to do.  As far as your statement, about knowing a school teacher (or anyone) for 5 wks and getting married is simply crazy, was a very upsetting comment for U to make.  My husband and I only dated 2 wks and got engaged.  Than live together for 6 months.  Maybe that sounds crazy, but we have been married for 11 yrs now.  He too had issues, drinking and had been in jail twice.  I was even told my co-workers to stay away from him, that he was TROUBLE!!!  I didn't pass judgement on him and felt that if he wanted to change...he could.  I was simply upfront with him before we ever got married, that I would not be married to a drunk.  He doesn't drink anymore, nor has he been in trouble with the law.  We have two children and are very happy.  Yeah, we have our moments, but who doesn't???  His family was totally against us getting married, making comments like "U don't even know what love is...blah, blah, blah"  I just knew in my heart and still do, that we were meant to be together.  He is my best friend and lover.  The one family member whom gave us sooo much grief, certainly is no angel. Family member got involved in some bad things on the internet and decided to take their daughter out of state to meet a lover...they found on the net. This same family member told me I didn't know what love was???  Anyway, the point I am trying to make...is that I don't feel that it is fair to put a time limit on love.  My husband and I were going down the road...and both looked at one another and said "oh my gosh, do U feel that" and we decided than on...to get married.  2 wks mind U.  Family member dated his first wife 2 yrs and they got married, he came home one night and found her with someone else.  So U can not put a time limit on a relationship and say whether it is going to survive or NOT.
 
September 11, 2006, 9:54 am CDT

biggest love mistakes.

"He's not a murder"

 

Jamie and Lori... ARE YOU TWO OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MINDS?

 

He murdered your brother Jamie and murdered your son Lori in cold BLOOD! Of course he's a murder...

 
September 11, 2006, 11:23 am CDT

i wonder if jamie and lori are smarter than we think?

it could be there just planing to decive there family members murderrer, lure him into the family and get a little down home justice on him, something the court system seems to have failed them in, truley the guy that killed her son in cold blood should have been given the death sentance.!!!!

soooo are they crazey or are they truley smarter than the average bear  lol,? only time will answer  this question.!

 
September 11, 2006, 12:21 pm CDT

Creepy or just trying to escape

Maybe he does spend more time on the daughter, but I think I would too given how his wife behaves.
 
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