Topic : Abuse

GAK you have consistently let soon-to-be Ex (and his lawyer) GET to you.  This has been at least the 5th?? time? 

  

STOP reacting. 

  

The only thing your hubby can really do -- is cry alienation.  For the first 12 years of your children's life that was HIS choice.  He chose to be workaholic.  You haven't been abusive, or unreasonable and you aren't unfit.  Now that he risks losing seeing his kids everyday, if you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want joint custody?  I know I would.  Just because he wants that doesn't mean that's what he'll get but he WILL get something. 

  

Start being proactive with your own life.   

  

So I might suggest that you offer to give him the kids the weekend after they get home from the beach.  Offer that he can take them and do something educational/fun.  I would LAY MONEY that if you offer this (in writing from your lawyer) that he will comeup with SOMETHING disagreeable about it. 

  

At least you will be showing a judge that you aren't being alienating.  And his argument will be worthless. 

  

Q 

Bad habit of mine to let h get under my skin, hard to break!

Hello everyone, this is a first for me.   

  

My husband is verbally abusive, has a huge problem with my weight.  We have been together for 7 years and married for 3 years.  I'm confused b/c when he is angry or upset is when he calls me names and here lately has been telling me to leave and then a couple days later he will say he loves me and doesn't want me to leave and just over the weekend told me the only reason he was there is b/c of our daughter who is 23 months old.  So I have no idea how he really feels and when I try and talk to him about it we end up fighting, which I just let him rant and rave while I take our daughter in another part of the house.   

  

What do you all think? 

Hi, this is the first time posting but i need some advice, Iv'e been married 28yrs plus lived together for a yr and have 3 grown son's with children of thier own, all 29yrs i have put up with his verbal abuse i guess my excuse for staying with him yrs ago was my son's i didn't have a job nowhere to go etc, yea i know it's an excuse, anyway my children listened and watch this abuse and at one point when they were around 12,11 & 6 yrs i got a job and he kinda changed because he knew that i had money to leave him but it didn't last long, we got into it hot nad heavy because all he wanted to do is sit in a bar and spend all his money while i paid bills, i put a stop to it and quit my job so he would have to pay the bills so he called me a loser and lazy so i decided to go stay with my sister, hubby didn't call until 4 days later, then asked when i was coming home i told him i wasn't until he moved out, but stupid me believed everything he said that he would quit drinking and not call me names or cut me down, it lasted a week he was all nice and everything but one day i used his truck and found beer cans behind the seat, he lied to me but as i told him i wasn't doing it anymore he began to go off again with the verbal abuse, belittling and cut downs. He blames evryone but his self, he thinks he's better then me, he say's i don't have any goals in life but how can i? I told him about taking up growing and selling my house plants but all he could do is laugh ten got mad and said that i was not having people come in his house, i don't know what he wants from me, it sure isn't me. He won't even let me manage his money or anything, he always say's i quit my job because i was to lazy to work blah blh blah on and on for years i went through this, about 5 yrs ago i got a job had it for 3yrs then got fired from a new manager that came in took over and braught her friends and family in to take over most of the jobs, now everytime we get into an argument he say's my boss fired me because she caught me and another employee having sex, he always accuses me of having an affair, he would even drive by my work to check for my car, he say's he never did that but i seen him and every time he did it the lady at front desk would tell me. sorry this is so long, as of right now he has gotten worse, all he say's is i need to find a job cause he's tired of supporting me and that he shouldn't have to, that i should pay my own bills buy my own food etc. my car needs brakes and he said he wasn't fixing it that i had to get a job to do it myself, what a husband, if i get a beer to drink he tells me to stay out of it that he pays for it not me, if i eat i get the same thing plus i hear yea feed your fat face, it makes my stomach turn just thinking that the man that was suppose to love and cherrish honor and take care of to stand beside me to be there for me, would think that way towards me, i tell him that i cook clean and eveything else for him, but he say's he doesn't need a maid, cook or anything else that he can do it himself but yet i haven't seen him do anyting around this house, i take out the garbage, mow the yard to everything, he works comes home plops down in front of the tv and mumbles under his breath as he verbaly attacks me, he say's i'm sick and he can't stand me that he hates me then turns around ad want's sex from me, i keep my mouth and legs shut, then when he wants sex he say's he said those things because he was made and that calling me names and cutting me down is better then beating on me, sometimes i feel that i would rather be beat then listening to the name calling, bruises on the outside heal but the ones inside stay's forever, i told him i will always remember everything he has said and done to me then he gets irate again, no matter what i do it's not good enough for him, he thinks he's better then me because he has a job and i don't, i have apps in but noone calls.   I have to borrow money to get gas or anything because he say's he's not paying for my gas to whore around, then if he does give me gas money i go and put apps in and he thinks i should still have gas on fridays to do what he wants me to do like go to the grocery and things like that, i don't know what to do anymore, i have no job no other home to go to, he keeps telling me to move out that all this stuff is his that he paid for it, he only paid for the couch, tv and the bed, i baught eveything else just like the web that i'm on right now i baught it off my sister, i paid for my car, anyway he moved out before but came back after he blew his whole paycheck, he told me he ddn't have any money to pay the bills so we ended up with discconects and he blamed me, he won't go to counseling he say's that noone can help me that i'm beyond help and that nopne can help a physco and whaco. He calls me everything except a white woman. Sometimes i feel lie ending my life but the only thing that stops me is my son's and grandkids, What can i do besides leaving my home that i take care of? Thanks for listening to me. Loneley in the Fort.

I totally understand where you are coming from, my husband same way.  I do work, I have a full time job and make decent money, but according to him he pays for everything and he bought everything and he's the only one who would put up with my s---.  You have been together for a long time, not real sure what to tell you.  I don't have that much time invested in mine, but I have decided to leave, now just have to figure out a way.  I do wish you the best of luck and I to don't understand why men are so mean, it's almost like they get off on making us hurt.   - Rere

I think hubby may not know what he wants.  He wants HIS way, then he explodes, then he feels guilty, then he's loving and then the tension starts building again. 

  

Abuse is a cycle.  The only way to really stop abuse is to stop being a part of the cycle. 

  

My thoughts about your situation are NOT so much about how hubby feels about you or how you look and whether that is valid... but why you are so willing to "let him rant and rave". 

  

You are entitled to a happy life.  In fact, you have a RIGHT to a happy life.  If you do not stand up for that RIGHT, you will not get the peace you seek. 

  

There is ALOT you can do about abuse.  You can set boundaries and protect them.  While leaving the room certainly is a way to protect your self from the ravages of his voice, you need to let him know WHY you are leaving the room, how you FEEL about his unloving behavior toward you and offer a solution to make the situation better.  Then be consistent about what YOU do about HIS behavior. 

  

Education is KEY to learning a new set of tools that will help rebuild your selfesteem and dignity.  I suggest these authors:  Melody Beattie, Beverly Engel, Patrica Evans and Lundy Bancroft. 

  

How you will and won't be treated is WORTH fighting for.  No one can fix that except you. 

  

Aside from the fact that your partner is setting some really bad parenting examples for your daughter, YOU MATTER. 

  

You need to take that in and let it nuture your self.  Be MORE gentle with your self. 

Q 

  

  

  

  

I can tell you why... 

  

I don't think it's necessarily a matter of "wanting" to hurt someone -- it's that an abuser has a huge sense of entitlement to HIS/HER way of thinking/feeling.  So he/she feels JUSTIFIED in asserting his or her way and will do so at ALL costs.  And in addition to insisting that everyone accommodate them, they are to blame for NOTHING. 

  

Why? 

  

Because deep-down (I mean way deep down), they do not feel safe about themselves or their "world".  They HAVE to control EVERYTHING around them so that THEY will be "okay".  If they don't, their whole self will come "unglued". 

  

How did they get this way? 

  

Because in the beginning, someone taught them to be this way.  Just like someone taught you to be a victim and please others at the cost of your self.  You were taught this, likely, when you were very young a vulnerable and the person(s) teaching you were respected and admired and VERY powerful.  People like our parents/teachers/clergy.  People in authority. 

  

When you really boil it all down... ABUSE is ALL ABOUT control -- who has it and who doesn't. 

  

The more you learn about WHY your abuser abuses and WHY you take it.  The more will come to understand the MINDGAMES and BRAINWASHING.  And then solutions will begin to present themselves. 

  

If you do not figure out how to stop being a victim, you WILL pass that legacy on to your own children.  Just for that reason alone, it is SO worth educating yourself about abuse and what you CAN do about it. 

  

You CAN have a happy life.  Q 

First I need to say the not ALL men are abusers.  Women have the capability to be JUST as abusive as men.   

  

Rere may not be willing to tell you what to do... 

  

But I sure am!! 

  

Face your fears!  

  

GET your self a PLAN for YOUR LIFE. 

  

Pack your bags and LEAVE!! 

  

You have allowed yourself to become comfortable with the ABUSE he HEAPS on you.  WHY on EARTH would you do that to your self? 

  

It is not your hubby who keeps you miserable... it's YOU!   

  

I want you to sit a minute and think about your life -- for 28 YEARS!!  you've sat around and tolerated what he's dished out.  Now are you going to do that for another 28?!? 

  

You deserve better!  You know it and I know it.  He is NOT better than you -- no one has your gifts, capabilities, talents, or any of the other WONDERFUL qualities that make you YOU - NO ONE. 

  

You can sit there and moan about how miserable your life is but if you don't DO anything about that, NOTHING will change!  You can't control hubby and you'd make your self crazy if you tried. 

  

BUT YOU CAN control you and YOU CAN figure out what YOU want to do with YOUR life and MAKE THAT HAPPEN. 

  

There is nothing more empowering than a plan!  Q 

  

my ex is now trying to get me to come pick up from prison. yeah right. I'm not sticking around that day,lol! I'm in a really tight spot becuz of the kids. they haven't seen their father in a year. they miss him. we've been in group therapy and talked a lot about him and why he can't come back home etc. i know they are sad, but don't really understand the reality of it. Its sad enough that you have to teach your 5yo how to seek help if daddy breaks in and attacks mommy, you know?  

I think the hardest part of all this is trying to move on and form new relationships. Its been a year and I have dated a couple of guys, but nothing seems to work out. They inevitably find out about x and then off they go, not wanting to get involved. but at the same time I can't lie to them! I think it affects them more than me at this point, but what do I do? I'm not in any hurry to find a soul mate, but someone to go out and do things with once in awhile....it gets awful lonesome around here, loL!! I knew life was going to be tough going out on my own, but i feel so left out and stuck in a rut.  

Reading this board and hearing stories about people in situations that I was in, sure makes me happy that I got out. I don't miss any of that abuse, tho I still hear some of those remarks in the back of my head.... the self esteem issue. I also feel for all those women (and men) who are still in those bad relationships, living each day hoping things will get better, but knowing they won't and feeling trapped all in one. There IS hope! It isn't easy, but it is WORTH it. I could have been one of those women who spent 25-30yrs living with the abuse for the sake of the kids, etc. but all i could think about was the 8yrs that i did and not wanting to endure 8 more. it isn't worth it. I AM worth a better life than that. Its been a long hard struggle this past year, but I'm looking forward to the rewards of my hard work. Life IS getting better for me.  

Abuse can be on either side of the marriage. I was in an abusive relationship, and everything you said, in your advice, happened in mine. The thing you mentioned, and I just want to make sure that the abused realize is that the abuser, really has self esteem problems himself/herself. They have to put the other down to make himself/herself feel better about himself/herself.  

  

The thing people need to do is take back their dignity, and don't allow it to happen. That sounds easier said than done, but the abused are going to have to grow a backbone, and not accept that kind of behavior. 

   

When the abused leaves, the abuser will feel the loss of control, and do or say anything to get the abused back in the relationship, so they can eventually begin the abuse again. I think in most cases the abuser is not doing this with forethought, I think most of the time they themselves don't realize what is going on in their own heads. 

 

Psychological abuse, like physical abuse, will always get worse, and progress, and may eventually turn to physical abuse.  

  

It is very difficult for the abuser to change their stripes, so to speak, without some kind of intervention. I am talking  about therapy, or something.  

  

Both sides need counseling of some sorts. The abused, to help get their dignity and self esteem back, and grow that backbone; and the abuser has to, like the good doctor says, acknowledge the problem before they can correct that behavior, and usually need some sort of outside guidance to correct that very deep rooted behavior.  

  

As a former abused husband, it literally took years for me to believe I was worth anything, and I would venture to say, it took at least a year for me to be able to look straight ahead, and not at my feet when I walked.  

  

Abuse knows no gender, and I firmly believe, that when possible when abuse is present in a relationship, it is usually better to separate at least while therapy/counseling is going on, and gradually through therapy, work on melding the two slowly back together.