Topic : Abuse

Quote From: qqqhhh

Once you let GO of him and his reaction, 

  

once you begin to assert your OWN emotional independence, 

  

You are going to find that your REALLY like it! 

  

BRAVO TO YOU!!! 

  

And you will also find that it will become a habit -- it's a HEALTHY HABIT! 

  

I am busting my buttons over here!!!  You should be very proud of your self! 

  

A word of warning though... once hubby figures out that you've quit caring about his silence and that YOU CHOOCE for it to no longer affect you.  He may try some other tactics -- he may even try to get into crazymaking behavior.  Some of this is what I call "uping the ante".  He may try to exert control over you in other ways. 

  

All you have to do is... not be controlled and not react to the INSANITY. 

  

When you stop playing the game, the game STOPS.   

  

Again BRAVO to you!  Q 

Quote From: qqqhhh

Not anymore! 

  

We are all here rooting for YOU, jmillhouse!!! 

  

Sometimes family can help.  Sometimes they just can't.  

  

But you aren't alone anymore. 

  

I like your plan.  I am GLAD you have HIS sister on YOUR side.  I bet that'll chap his a$$!!  HA! 

  

Call the domestic abuse hotline and see if they can hook you up with an organization that can loan you $$ temporarily for meds or one that can help in some way. 

  

Don't forget about food stamps or other govt. type assistance to help you. 

  

I would also talk to my local/favorite church.  Sometimes they have been a Godsend to victim's of abuse. 

  

If you can let us know your general geographic area, like state, without giving away too much info perhaps we can do some searches for you for additional help.  

  

Reach out for help where ever you can!  Q 

Quote From: bowser

Hi Q: 

Thanks again for responding. You are right about the codependent or as I have come to know it...emeshment. When I first started this process that was what I was looking into. I had never heard of it before and the first therapist I went to told me "you are in a codependent relationship". Unfortunately, so was she and as our therapy went on, I realized she had alot of the same issues as I did and had not worked through her own baggage...not good. I left when I realized this and that I knew more about her issues than she knew about mine.  

Anyway I started looking up on the internet about codependent relationships and brought up a page on emotional/verbal abuse. I read through the symptoms that it gave and even at that early point in my journey I recognized alot of them...I ignored them. I told myself that wasn't it, it was other things...I was in denial. So I started figuring out all of the other things...what was mine, what was his, his family's etc, and now almost 4 yrs later have come back to square one...abuse! 

My husband is not a drinker...thankfully he got his fill watching his father ruin himself. Unfortunately, his belief that he wasn't like his father is so untrue...he is exactly like his father in so many ways. If I had to choose one word to describe my husband it would be BULLY! I have not only seen it in his father and been a victim of it, but see it in his sister. I don't think I have ever met such a hateful person. She has so much anger and resentment and has no idea what to do with it or even that it exists in her.  

My husband does have an addictive/obsessive personality though. He uses food to stuff his feelings...an emotional eater. Until 2 yrs ago he weighed 285...now he is down to 190 and holding it there. He did the Dr.Phil weight challenge book but unfortunately I think he skipped the part on emotional eating. He says he has dealt with it, but he still rewards himself and stuffs his feelings with food. He has just changed what it is he eats. He doesn't see that he still has the same issue with food and validates how he stuffs his feelings in other ways. He like your ex is also incredibly dependent and deprived. He constantly wants this or that, or says I have to get this or that, but when he gets it, it is never enough..it's more, more, more. He has manipulated me so many times into spending money that we don't have and I would just go along with him because I didn't want to cause conflict. I am now 43, he is 42 and we have no money put in savings towards retirement...he hates to save, thinks it is a waste. Says when he retires he will get another job to pay for the things that we want to do...sounds like a great plan to me...let's just fly by the seat of our pants and hope that neither of us gets ill or has to go into a nursing home. I have no idea how to deal with this one. The last couple of years I have been trying to get him to set goals for saving, paying off debt etc but he just wants to spend "why bother he says, there's not enough anyway".  

Did you see the the Dr Phil show awhile ago on children who felt that they were entitled? Basically spoiled rotten brats? Well that is my husband...30 years after those kids on the show. He is stuck at 12/13 yrs old and does not want to grow up. I have been his mother for the last 19 years! Luckily I decided not to have kids...when we first got married I thought I wanted to, but as time went on I changed my mind...something just didn't feel right and for once I listened to that inner voice. Thank goodness!  

A week from tomorrow I have my next appointment with my new therapist. I am scared out of my mind to talk to her about this..the abuse but I know I have to do it. I will let you know what her response is and how she deals with it. 

  

Thanks again for all of your input and help. It is nice to have someone to talk to who is not judging or criticizing me or telling me I am crazy. 

  

Bowser 

Quote From: faith_2

hi, it has been awhile since i have been on here. hope everyone is having a great new year!  i am going threw a very very ugly divorce and we have 2 boys, 4 and 1. we are right now going threw an "interim" deal because i finally stood up for myself, my husband wants me to go threw a mental health deal through the courts, so my attorney asked for him to do the same. i just get so up set because i have lived through all his lies, his abuse, drinking, gambling, porn and the list can go on. and now that me and my boys have gotten out he still keeps wanting everyone to think i am crazy and that this is all my fault and that he was the perfect husband. and what if this mental health doctor does not see right threw him and takes his word on all this.  he has never been apart of our 2 boys lives and now he is being daddy of the year and he wants the boys that is why he is saying all these lies against me.  he is also saying that i am addicted to on line drugs and i am not, he is the one that loves pain pills!! i do have a good attorney but so does he. all i want are my 2 babies and he can have everything, even all his money. he has never wanted them before, why now?????the bold face lies that he is making up against me or so far out there, and that make me scared of him and now i am starting to see what he will do to get what he wants. and sometimes i feel like my hands or tied and that no one is going to take my word on all this.  thanks for letting me get all of this out, thanks

Quote From: missjane2

No I don't have to attend this church.  I attend a very good church.  It just adds flame to the fire with the tug of war with my kids.  They are just controlling and think they are the only one's saved in the midst of their confusion.  Like here's another example of this church:  This was 4 or so years ago.  This guy was sitting in front of me with his 9 month old baby who pulled his glasses off his face 100 times during the service.  Well the next week he didn't come to sit in this 3 hour service cuz their was no nursery.  That night there was a prayer meeting.  And the leader of the prayer meeting read what she called:  THE BACKSLIDER'S LIST.  This guys name was on it because he missed church that day.  I said to the Pastor "I don't think this guy is backslidden I think the church needs a good staffed nursery."  And the Pastor said "if this guy ever gets right with God then he will be able to handle his 9 month old daughter in church."  (I HATE THAT CHURCH!)  No I go to a really good organized great church, but I know I will be on their backslider's list because only people who come to all their meetings are saved.  It's stuff I have dealt with in the church where it is going to be a tug of war of disrespect from my children because of their attitudes that it's just another trial.  But my Ex loves CONFUSION.  I don't understand why he doesn't understand simple character traits and then run to church to top it off, a troubled one to justify his beliefs......  Somehow the helping other people got left out of the message......

Quote From: lemondrop

Q......................sometimes a profile will contain information. 

  

  

Check out one of my  recent posts regarding resources. 

Quote From: lyninsocal

Lemon, you and Q are gifts from God.  I just wanted you to know that. 

  

Sent here from heaven to help us. 

  

Bless you both. 

  

L 

Quote From: qqqhhh

Your pastor is kinda SCARY! 

  

You do know that this statement:  "because only people who come to all their meetings are saved" is CRAP, don't you? 

  

Your Pastor and your church do not get the last word on who is saved and who isn't, you know this, right? 

  

In fact, they don't really even get the first word, or any word on who is saved. 

  

I believe that "being saved" is up to our Higher Power.  If you are Christian, that would be God and his Son. 

  

I'm glad you like your church and all, but I'd ask you to take some of what they say with a grain of salt or something.  

  

Church and reconnecting spiritually when I was at my worst was very helpful in my regaining some strength and personal power over my life. 

  

Or maybe this is a different church than one you are currently attending??   

  

I'm just asking for clarification of YOUR beliefs.  Q