Topic : Abuse

I need some opintions from the been there, done that crowd.  I was a victim of my father's sadistic sexual abuse starting around age 4 until I was a big enough teenager to make him have to fight me for it.   I remember him telling me he would kill my mom if I said anything and I knew he meant it.  He is paranoid and anxiety-ridden and has weapons and ammunition like he is his own militant group.   

  

I on the other hand, have healed as well as anyone ever does.  I spent about 12 years trying to figure it all out and for the most part, I'm ok.    I have a very happy marriage to someone is very supportive and loving and has given me the experience of feeling safe and loved for the first time.  I am proud of the parenting job we've been doing with our son.  Having our son has made me want to confront my father because I don't want them to be a part of my son's life and I want to make sure that he never does this to another child as my siblings and I are starting to have children of our own.   

  

This is where it gets interesting.  I've been kicking around whether or not to confront him.  In a way he is killing himself with the manifestations of his anxiety and I was questioning if I should just let him wallow in it until he dies since he doesn't have access to any children right now.     I assumed it was related to my abuse.  Thinking that maybe he had somehow abused someone else, I googled his name and found a US Supreme court case from when he was 14.  He had strangled an old woman and hid her under his bed!!!!!!  The case went to the US Supreme court for a due process issue and all he got was time served.   

  

My universe sort of aliagned with that news and things made real sense except I have a feeling of disbelief.  I am sure my mother must have known she married a murderer. Anyway, I don't know what to do with this information.  I can't believe that my father was a murderer as well as a child rapist.  Should I just thank my stars I lived to tell about it and continue on with my own life's work, or should I say "hey guess what I found out?" 

  

i am very worried about you. please do not go to counseling soon, go NOW,go today. when you said your brother is 7 years older than you and you had no control you mean that he was physically bigger than you and you could not stop him? i wanted to make sure that is what you meant.  of course your brother apoligized and attempted to make you think he was sorry, he  probally heard that over and over in treatment, wherever he went, and he did that for himself, to make himself feel better.  

i understand your hesitancy to not be in a relationship for awhile and not trusting and therefore being controling.  remember you are also 18 and young, there is no reason  to force yourself into a relationship. remember to not lose yourself, or sacrifice your happiness for someone elses. the issue is not if you trust him? the issue is how much you trust yourself.  you do not trust that you will get through it if he does leave, cheat or does anyhting else to hurt you. what is your phobia, i dont think you have a fear of commitment, what you need is to enhance your self esteem and faith in yourself.  you can be by yourself, you can not date anyone, that belief must be there first.  once you have faith in yourself to handle whatever  may or may not occur that will help you a great deal to losen the reins on your boyfriend and finally live. 

  

YOU did NOT lose self control. your brother abused oyu, he is wrong, he is  in  the wrong, you were the victim, you have NO BLAME for what happened to you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. you do have self control your brother over powered you.  it may help you to take a self defense class. they do wonders for your confidence and will help you to depend on yourself and help you feel secure. 

I can   not answer why your father is taking your brothers side. maybe be blames himself, may be hes in denail, maybe hes trying to "fix" your brother by showing him what a man should be. 

  

What should you do? get help and support. There is a book called codependent no more by melody beattie. this book will help you to learn to say NO and not feel bad about it.  

  

Please do not simply move on, get some help. a counselor who specializes in childhood sexual abuse will help you work thorugh the issues this has raised as well as help you deal with how it is now affecting your every day life.  

i'm not sure what you meant about becoming a prostitute b'c you cant control your self. thats why i asked for clarification earlier about a separate comment. when you are sexually abused it has nothing to do with you controling your self. the perpatrator has taken your control away. please do not think that  this will cause you to lose control of your body. sometimes people who are sexually abused do become promiscuious, often the abuse has made them feel dirty or they think sex is the only way they can get through life, or many other things that are incorrect that the abuser  has placed in the victims mind as part of the abuse.  if you are having problems with sexual addiction this is something that your counselor should know asap so she can help you to control that while you work through the issues that caused it. because you were sexually abused in no awy makes you a prostitute. 

  

you   have been through alot. there are some who would not have the awareness that you have about how thier past affects thier present. you are smart, you have worth, you are whole by yourself. You say what you do and what you dont want to do. Never forget that. 

  

as   for you and your boyfriend start small. next time he walks the dog find something to do. next time he wants a guys night go have a girls night. you are strong, you are worth it.  

  

YOU CAN DO THIS AND HAVE A HAPPY LIFE 

  

HAVE A PLAN! 

  

Educate your self about abuse... there is ALOT you can do about it. 

Get MORE support.  Let your family in on what's been happening. 

  

KNOW YOUR RESOURCES.  Legally speaking, if you are considering leaving, you need to gather a list of ALL your questions, make an appointment with an attorney and ask away. The first visit is usually free. You need to know what your rights are in YOUR jurisdiction with respect to grounds for divorce, property division and custody and visitation issues. You need to know what your recourse is if you start getting harassed or if you fear for your safety or the safety of your children.

  

 

You need to know how to go about getting a Restraining Order and perhaps even an Order of Protection.

  

 

It may also help to contact local shelters and/or other domestice violence service providers to see what kinds of support, services, information you can get your hands on.  

 

You need an emergency/safety plan in the event your hubby escalates and/or a plan for the DAY of leaving.  This plan should cover what you need to take with you like valuables, financial and tax information, insurance information, clothes, toys, etc. 

 

 

 

Here are some web sites that will help you develop your plans:

  

  

 

http://www.abanet.org/domviol/internet.html 

http://www.womenslaw.org/safety.htm 

http://www.acadv.org/safety.html 

http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html#safetips 

 

And more important than that you need a LONG TERM PLAN for living.  You need to consider the lower end of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need http://web.utk.edu/~gwynne/maslow.HTM .  You need to have a place to go or consider where you are going to live, you need to consider  how you are going to put a roof over your head, food on the table and provide for the needs of you and your kids and keep them safe.  If you don’t have a job or a set of skills to cover all your living expenses, you need to consider what you can do to get that job or a better one.  If you don’t have plans for child care, you may need to consider that.  The question you need to ask your self is:  what’s it going to take for me to be a single parent? 

 

Do NOT leave your home without your kids.  Do NOT leave your county WITH your kids until you have spoken to a lawyer.   

 

Q

  

 

  

 

 

  

 

HI I HAVE  BEEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND FOR SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE IN 2000.....I PUT HIM IN JAIL MANY TIMES FOR ABUSE  AND I LEFT HIM  MANY TIMES  BUT I KEPT GOING BACK TO HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN....I TOLD MYSELF IT WAS FOR THE KIDS BUT REALLY I LOVED HIM   VERY MUCH....I AM THANK FUL EVERY DAY THAT HE DIDNT DECIDE TO TAKE ME WITH HIM THAT DAY HE PULLED THE TRIGGER  ....MY KIDS WOULD OF BEEN ORPHANS IF HE HAD OF....I USE TO SAY IT WAS THE COWARDS WAY OUT  BUT I THINK NOW THAT HE WAS BEING VERY LOVING TOWARDS  HIS FAMILY WHEN HE TOOK HIS OWN LIFE....HE HAD ALOT OF PROBLEMS  AND  I KNOW EVENTUALLY HE WOULD OF HURT ME OR HIS KIDS...I KNOW HE LOVED ME IN HIS OWN WAY ...HE WAS THE BEST WHEN HE WAS SOBER IT ONLY HAPPENED WHEN HE WAS DRINKING BOOZE.   THANKS AND GOD BLESS ALL WOMEN AND MEN OF ABUSE....FROM CANADA  CHERYL

You NEED help. 

  

Counseling was the SINGLE BEST THING I did to heal. 

  

Check out these sites for starters: 

  

http://www.ncdsv.org/ 

http://www.rainn.org 

  

You get a grip on your life.  And it can be a HAPPY grip! Q 

I'll come back later tonight and post to you about this. 

  

I am long overdue to close my posting for now. 

  

Talk to you later.  

  

  

I'm sorry I can't agree with you on this one Wade. I don't think that she should respond with anger to him, that will only escalate the problem. However an abuser knows what he is doing at all times. An abuser does not loose control. That's often why the Police think the woman is crazy when they get to the house, because she's hysterical and crying. While he's calm, cool and collected, telling the police that he has no idea what's wrong with his wife.  

You can't talk to an abuser and try to explain YOUR feelings and YOUR point of view for one main reason... 

  

ONLY HE MATTERS ONLY HIS FEELINGS MATTER ONLY HIS POINT OF VIEW MATTER NOTHING ELSE. 

You can take back your forgiveness.   

  

I remember being VERY controlling too. 

  

The only that did, for me, was make things WORSE not better. 

  

I think it MAY be helpful for you to read CoDependent No More by Melodie Beatty... 

  

BUT I REALLY think you need MORE HELP than just what's in a book. 

  

You were violated at such a young age -- and I've known and supported others who have been through EXACTLY what you've been through.  They needed counseling and so do you.  Some of them also benefitted greatly from face-to-face support.  When I was at my worst, I had 3 face-to-face support groups I'd go to.   

  

I think you specifically need a face-to-face support group that meets to talk about sexual abuse. 

  

Your need to control is there because when you were so young you were POWERLESS. 

Now your need for that control is SO DEEP that it almost rules everything.   

  

This is common. 

  

You CAN recover and you CAN heal.   

  

The first way to understand what's going on is EDUCATION.  There are MANY great books about sexual abuse and how to heal from it. 

  

Perhaps a visit to the library or bookstore is in order (or Amazon.com). 

  

If you need help find the RIGHT book, write back and I'll ask around.  Q 

  

  

I am glad to see you giving yourself credit where credit is due. This is important because after  harrowing and difficult experiences, we each tend to dwell on our supposed failings and lackings, and ruminate on "why me" as well as what we no longer have (this is called "embrassing the void"). For us to move on with our life and be healthy and successful, we need to over-counter-balance these thoughts with acknowledgement and gratitude for our successes and what we can do and what we have. We need to have a positive balance in our emotional and psychological banks to draw upon in times like this and challenging times ahead. I am grateful that you provided us with this useful object lesson and example.  

  

I would wish you success, but I think in many ways you have already achieved it, and in those areas where you are still striving for it, you will make it happen. So, no need. -Wade-  

Sorry but the dogs need to go potty!! lol