Topic : Abuse

You'd be surprised... although we have had mostly women here... we've had quite a few guys. 

You've given great advice... hope you stick around!  Q 

well, maybe not, but I remember my Mom telling me, "You have more power than you know." 

Trouble was... I had given it ALL away... to the point where I wasn't ME anymore. 

I figured out how to get my power back and I succeeded. 

And I also figured out how I contributed to the problems in my abusive relationship.  It DOES TAKE TWO to ruin a relationship. 

I learned the lessons life was trying to teach me and it made a LOT of difference. 

It took time, effort and lots of practice. 

Self-respect start WITHIN.  So does self-confidence (even when you're scared).  

Then it naturally gravitates outward.  Q  

Very accurate and illuminating.   

The only thing that caused me some dismay... was how the author seemingly insisted that abusers can not change or be "rehabilitated". 

For me, I figured out my abuser did not have the ability or the willingness to do the work of change. 

But I can not say that all abusers are that way.   

If a victim can change, so can an abuser... but the self-entitlement makes it alot harder - I think. 

Yes, EXCELLENT BOOK! 

Q 

is like a bucket of gasoline on the fire that is abuse. 

I am sorry for your loss.  Q 

I have tried counselling earlier in my life and I never got anything out of it. I started going again this year and I think I must be going to the wrong ones because I never feel that I get anything out of it. It only feels good to go and vent but I can do that with a friend. Sometimes she would say things that I didn't agree on. Like when I told her about something. She adviced me to "maybe go and get a lover"?? What?! That's not me and that's not what I expected to hear. You have to be careful where you get your advice from and I feel like know the answers more than she does sometimes. I also feel like it's a waste of money and time. I never get anywhere because I have so much to talk about. You only go once a week and for one hour. I'll never get anywhere......It feels so useless..... 

But thanks for telling me that it's not about me. I doubt myself all the time....... 

Threats of violence are NOT reasonable is ANY form. 

How you deal with those threats, as you have suggested, by not reacting is a healthy thing to do. 

And trying to deal with him in a rational way is also healthy... but as you well know, people are not always rational.  Sometimes they up "crazymaking".   

They way to not buy into that is to "let go" of it.  Q 

My it's been busy in here today. 

I will try to get on and finish posts/responses tomorrow. 

Be gentle!  Q 

I think your self-designed "therapy" is very instructive. We humans have certain needs that we strive for in order to have a healthy and productive life. Two of the most significant of these needs, as I see it, is the need to love and be loved, and the need to feel worthwhile to ourselves and to others. When a person is abused, they may well be robbed of these needs, and too often those who are abused tend to dwell on righting the wrong of abuse (seldom successfully) rather than finding ways to re-satisfy those basic human needs, and thus are not only left damaged, but empty and unsatisfied. By writing poetry about love, your mind becomes focused on the enriching power of love, and away from the debilitating and emptying forces of abuse, and you inadvertantly satisfy one of your basic human needs by being loving and loved. It is also a worthwhile pursuit, which helps satisfy the other basic human need.. No wonder it worked. It is pure genious. Very nice! Thanks for sharing this with us. 

-Wade- 

It sounds like you really do have the wrong counselor!! 

Maybe you can contact a women's organization, they should be able to let you know someonewho can help you. Maybe even a group type of program. That way you can meet some women at the same time.  

I know that for me the isolation was almost unbearable.