Topic : Abuse

 

Hi

 

Have you read any of Dr Phil's books? You will find them really useful, read them together, you need training to help you stop controlling and start respecting each other and working as a partnership but you can do it. You will be happier your wife will be and you will be bringing up your baby in a loving relaxed relationship ' so it is worth  doing.

 

Good luck

 

Bev

I know how you feel.  I went to counseling after listening for years that I was the one with the problem.  I began to believe it, thinking I was losing it.  I went to counseling and learned it was verbal abuse, that it wasn't me.  I read your letter and I completely understand where you are coming from.  I was really concerned about how the verbal abuse would affect my two daughters.  My husband did attend a few sessions, just to quit in the middle of our therapy.  But the therapy did help me realize that is is not me.  She did recommend some books for me to read which helped me immensely.  They are both by Patricia Evans.  She first wrote the book 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'.  She received many letters in response, and compiled them in a second book, 'Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out'.  I did find both of them at Barnes and Noble.  They are $11 each, but worth it's weight in gold!!!  For years I did not talk about what I was experiencing, because I truly believed it was me.  I lost all identity and felt that when I was home I could not be myself.  Then I started to read Relationship Rescue, when it dawned on me.  This is not how couples treat each other, and you need to demand more for yourself, you deserve better!!!!  The verbal abuse books spell it all out, it's like I wrote them myself!!!  Good Luck and my prayers are with you!

Beverly Engel's written a great book -- "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship -- How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing." This helps you recognize unhealthy patterns you have when dealing with your spouse (or others), and gives specific action steps to take for the abused, the abuser, and the abusive couple.

I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  My husband and I have one child who is 22 months old and I am expecting our second child in January.  I recently found out that he has lied to me about his past.  I am trying to forgive him.  Then it was internet porn and poker.  He says it is a way to deal with pressures at work and with me.   He says he felt I didn't want him around me.  When we have an argument, he is very clever in turning things as my fault.  When I protest, I then become the victim.  During the arguments, I have also been called a c***, bitch and recently a whore.  He'll then apologize for the name calling and expects to be forgiven.  The last fight I told him I was finished with the relationship and wanted to move closer to my parents.  (a five hour drive from where we live).  I was told I couldn't leave him unless I lived nearby or I leave my daughter permently with him.  I was told I could have the expected baby.  He didn't care only he wanted our daughter.  If I tried to fight for what I believe is normal custody, he would take our daughter no matter what.  Threat?  He acted shocked when I asked if he meant kidnapping her. 

I'm so confused and depressed.

Can anyone help?

Lately things have not been good with my mom and step dad.  The situation is hard on both me and my mom.  You see, my step dad lives in California, and my mom and I live here in Canada, but that's the least of my mom's worries right now.  My step dad told my mom back in January I believe, that he needed a 3 month period where they didn't communicate at all, for one thing, why would he need a 3 month period?  I mean, he says he loves my mom and I but you know, we're both doubtful, so if he truly loves us then why does he need that 3 months?  Anyway, so my mom said, "fine" and they had a break for a while, but then grandpa (my mom's dad) died and well basically there was no sympathy from him towards us.  See, what is REALLY making my mom so sad is that if my step dad doesn't want to be with her or doesn't love her anymore, why can't he just tell her that instead of treating her like this.  I mean, one minute he's all "I love you" then the next he's all "leave me alone" and I don't get it either.  My mom hasn't done ANYTHING to him at all, in fact she's been trying to help him and this is how he treats her.  My mom has described this pain as if some one were pulling the limbs off of some animal starting with one, then doing another one.  I have seen my mom cry for weeks and it makes me sad as well because I'm only 21 and I feel there's nothing I can do to help her, so I would like to know, what can be done and to be honest, I do think this is abuse, the way he's treating her....it's not fair.

Kraziegirl, it sounds like your stepfather may have lost interest in your mother. Sometimes when people are in a relationship, they do need time apart, if things get heated up, but this doesn't sound like the situation your mother/step-father are having.

I am sure you and your mother are in a lot of turmoil while this is going on, and that is a sad thing.

Maybe your mother needs to begin to think about moving on with her life, and I am sure there is someone out there somewhere that would be willing to not only love your mother, but would be able to treat her with the respect she deserves.

All you can do at this point is support your mother, and let her know you love her and are there for her.

This is something that she needs to do on her own, and she needs to try and not bring you in the middle of this.

You don't say how old you are, but other than giving your mother moral support and love, this is something you don't need to be worrying about, at least the best you can.

It sounds like your step-father is not being an adult, and doesn't have the maturity to tell your mother that he is wanting out of the relationship. He may already have another one started. If when your grandfather passed away, he was not sympathetic, that is a good sign he no longer is in love with your mother. I hope this helps, and I will have a good thought for you, and your mother

One of the first things you need to do is see a lawyer. Each state is different, and let me say up front, fore warned, is fore armed. Don't tell him your intentions. I do know most places, if no papers have been filed, either of you could do what you want as far as taking your child anywhere. This is a great reason to seek a lawyer and find out where you stand, and what you need to do, so you stay legal, as if you left without getting some legal things done, he would just file papers and he who files first wins, if not only temporarily.

The abuse he is giving you, no one deserves, and  that is sometimes more difficult to deal with than physical abuse. It sounds like he has an external locus of control,(blames everything outside himself for problems) and one cannot change what they don't acknowledge, as the good doctor says.

If you want to go home, and not put up with this abuse, seek a lawyer, to ensure you are doing the right thing legally, and the go! Your unborn child doesn't need the extra stress, and as the good doctor says, children would rather be from a broken home, than to live in one. I hope this helps, and good luck

Usually a controlling person is a sign of insecurity, and I guess you know how secure you feel as a person and with your relationship. We all have baggage from our childhood, and yes, it is difficult to not repeat a pattern that we have seen in our own household, but it is not impossible.

One thing you need to do, is ensure you are owning up at all times, that your controlling ways, are your problems, and your wife is not to blame for your actions. If your wife has given you a reason to be controlling, then again,  how you react to that is again on you, not her. If she has given you a reason, then you need to work through that and move on, not keep opening old wounds, and if she has not given you a reason, then again, you need to always accept blame, ensure you are not doing the "see what you made me do" thing that so many of us do to each other.

Keep the communications open and when you are feeling threatened, and feel like you need to have control of a situation, then talk to her about it, and express what you are feeling. This is not to justify what you are feeling/doing, this is the help her better understand where you are coming from. I hope this helps, good luck

Back online!

 

Q

I am glad you checked in!

 

Everything is going VERY WELL in my neck of the woods!

 

Hubby's great!  Kids are great and growing!  Holly is great!

 

The garden is bigger and better than ever!

 

Take care, Q