Topic : Abuse

To give truth and hope to someone in despair is one of life's  gifts.  And strangely enough,  

we who have come close to losing hope can be of great help to others who are watching their own  

hope fade into oblivion. 

What was it that someone said or did when my hope was at ebb tide and I felt it slipping silently away?      There was but one person  for a brief moment.   

From personal experience I can testify that often hope comes back into our souls from simply spoken words,  from a gentle hug or caring touches, or most of all from one insightful line written in a note that reaches beyond our pain and brings with it a surg of hope from within us. 

I know the truth of this. 

If I can in life sustain and encourage until hope returns to another,   dying spirits may gently be renewed.    

I have mentioned before, a long time ago........I wear a bracelet on my left wrist......with a small medallion engraved  "spirit'  .........I continue to wear it  for the many years  since  my own "spirit" was renewed. 

Never, ever will I allow my "spirit" to escape ever again.  

Many are the "everyday angels" that come to this site.  And you Lynn, must count yourself amoung them. 

when I do that!   

Type a wonderful fact filled post and "poof" it's gone. 

Q 

Stop it, stop it.......those precious cats are your pets.....members of the family......don't you see, he is removing your world.......inch by inch......anything that is you or that you treasure. 

No, no......your pets are your loving and beautiful family, also. 

Many, many ABUSERS are jealous of children, pets, family, friends, co-workers, colleagues.  Very , very typical.    Anyone and anything that you love or want in your life.       

HE IS TRYING TO SHUT YOU DOWN.   TAKING AWAY YOUR WORLD. 

HE IS ATTEMPTING TO STRIP YOU OF WHO YOU ARE, WHAT YOU REPRESENT. 

His actions are willful and intentional. 

YOUR PETS ARE YOUR PETS........YOU AND YOUR PETS HAVE RIGHTS. 

If you think that removing family members , pets or anything that is part of YOUR world will fix anything or fix him, you are not thinking straight.    That is wrong.........NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH, NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK YOU MIGHT DO OR COULD DO.....IT IS NEVER THE ANSWER, NEVER ENOUGH.......................ABUSERS,  DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOR AND NOTHING WILL MAKE THEM STOP OR CHANGE WHAT THEY SAY OR DO.  

He is attempting to strip you of your very existence........of who you are and what you want.    

You have got to educate yourself on these and other dynamics of his ongoing ABUSE. 

And his feeling like a victim.........well that's typical of ABUSERS, too. 

Come on Diamond........come on.......these are his tactics. 

Stop doubting your own "gut" feelings........step back and look at this situation for what it is. 

"Whatever" is verbal abuse.   And he uses it to shut down the conversation, thus he is in CONTROL of it and you.  

It hurts, because its ABUSIVE AND WRONG. 

Those precious, beautiful felines are your most loving and precious pets.     And he knows that, he is trying to discard anything in YOUR WORLD but HIM. 

He is NOT the first nor will he be the last Batterer or Abuser to do or try to do that. 

Where are you on educating yourself on his tactics and ABUSE.........what are you using to EDUCATE yourself on this abuse? 

Abuse is about POWER AND CONTROL. 

You are not going to be able to reason with him......he intentionally doesn't want to be reasonable.....he wants  CONTROL over YOU. 

Don't share you new found knowledge with him.  Its yours, just yours. 

I suggest that you see a counselor for YOURSELF so you can sort thru this ABUSE, a counselor 

 who is learned in the dynamics of Domestic Abuse...........also talking to an abuse shelters hot-line  

or advocate is free and they can give you more education.....close to home......in a timely fashion.  

  That is your gift to YOURSELF.........and should be kept to YOURSELF when and while you do it. 

How are you protecting yourself from his finding this information that you gather here.  When you are educating yourself....you really need to be careful about  not allowing him access to what you  are in the process of learning. 

They have many out reach resources that you can use and it will help you.......even if you are not ready to do some permanent thing ...........You have got to undo his brainwashing. 

Denial is a deep, deep fog. 

The best way to lift the fog is to EDUCATE your self about abuse.  There are many, many books, and web sites that talk about what is and what is not abusive behavior. 

When you live in a relationship and feel UNSAFE, that ought to be a HGUE red flag. 

I do understand when you say that change is hard.  I bet it's even scary, isn't it? 

But think about it this way... if you don't DO SOMETHING about your situation, NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE.  You will continue to spiral down. 

His reaction... and I am going to make an assumption here... is unpredictable, isn't it?  Some days he'll blow up and other days he won't.  Is this right? 

This kind of behavior is done to KEEP YOU off balance and to KEEP YOU in doubt. 

I bet there is a certain amount of trapped feeling too. 

Your hubby seemingly wants to keep you ONE-DOWN and I can tell you from experience that you WILL rebel.   

Q 

I am so glad you posted about EMDR... it is a therapy that really can help! 

Q 

These:  :"are you being tough with me" and "are you trying to stand up for yourself" are IMPLIED THREATS or VAGUE THREATS... it's emotional blackmail. 

Essentially he is telling you that if you do not knuckle under and stay your appointed ONE-DOWN position, you will pay a price for it.  And that price will not be pleasant. 

This kind of behavior is BULLYING. 

No wonder you are crying and in so much pain. 

I can -almost- guarantee you that you will rebel and when you do, he will "up the ante". 

Abuse escalates, maribelle, and if you do start asserting your RIGHT to a happy life, I think you need to be prepared for an escalation. 

Do you have a SAFETY PLAN?  Q 

In order for things to get better in your relationship BOTH of you have to work toward change. 

Is hubby willing to do that?  Is willing to take a good hard look and see what HE is doing to contribute to the problems in the relationship? 

Are you willing to do that?  Do you know how you contribute to the problems in your relationship? 

Sure, your relationship CAN BE a whole lot worse, BUT you are MISERABLE NOW. 

Don't you feel that YOU SHOULD MATTER? 

Why is it that hubby think you shouldn't matter? 

I can tell you all day long that YOU DO MATTER (and you DO), but until you REALLY believe it, change may be illusive.  

Q 

in keeping with that , your post  cocoa regarding the bumper sticker...."quiet women don't make history" 

A sad farewell to Coretta Scott King a woman who we embraced over the years as a strong civil rights activist, one who embodied the soul and ideals of the modern civil rights movement. 

Where would any of us be if no woman ever mustered up the courage to stand tall , against all odds, with passion and conviction. 

My flag is flying at half -staff in her memory.    

May she rest in peace.  

I honor your attempts to "get over it" That takes a lot of courage and character:  

I am not sure what techniques you are using in trying to move on (just trying not to think about it, or just thinking positive thoughts, won't always cut it), but I have some ideas if you are interested. 

To begin with, if you could write down the following, and put it on your bathroom mirror as a dayly reminder, it might help: 

1. At present, you are doing the very best that you can in dealing with your emotions. 

2. You want to do better and be more skilled in dealing with your emotions. 

3. You need to do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change 

4.You may not have created all your own problems, but you have to solve them anyway 

5. You are currently unsatisfied with the way in which you deal with your emotions 

6. You must learn new emotional skills and behaviors in all relevant contexts 

These assumptions we all may be benefited to have about ourselves are taken from Dr. Spadlin's book ""Don't Let Emotions Run Your Life" 

When you agree to these assumptions about yourself, we can move on to the purpose of emotions, and how certain emotions can be healthy and productive, while other emotions can be unhealthy and destructive. 

What do you say?  -Wade-