Topic : Abuse

I would love to leave today but I honestly don' t know how.  In my heart I want to.  I want to run away and never, ever see him or deal with him again.  At this point I do not have any plans per se, but I need to make some fast.  I am not sure how long he will be gone today and it would be really ugly if he came home in the middle of me moving stuff out.  I don't know if I would have enough time to coordinate everything before he gets back.  I realized this morning how scared of him I still am deep down.  He hasn't gotten physical in the past few years, but before that he was physical on a regular basis for several years. (However, I just found that he busted up the gate on his way out this morning.)  It is one of his tactics to get me into a small room like the bathroom and box me in and get in my face and scream, just like this morning.  I know he was trying to intimidate me.  I was afraid to argue too much with him because I was afraid that I would push him to the point that he would hit me again.  Right now, I really do not know the first thing to do.  My emotions are so twisted that I don't know which end is up.  It would be easier if it were a Monday and I could get the ball moving on things, and he were back at work.  I have been preparing for the possibility of leaving for a while now.  I have worked really hard and made sure that I am totally debt free and that we retain nothing jointly.  We do not have any children together or own a home or anything jointly.  However, all the utilities, etc. are in my name.  I don't want to shut them off, but I want them out of my name.  I am in totally uncharted waters here and I don't know what do do first.  I need direction from someone who has been there and has left amid this kind of crap.  How do I go about doing this and really leaving him?  What do I do first?

Thank for your help!

Phoenix

I would love to leave today but I honestly don' t know how.  In my heart I want to.  I want to run away and never, ever see him or deal with him again.  At this point I do not have any plans per se, but I need to make some fast.  I am not sure how long he will be gone today and it would be really ugly if he came home in the middle of me moving stuff out.  I don't know if I would have enough time to coordinate everything before he gets back.  I realized this morning how scared of him I still am deep down.  He hasn't gotten physical in the past few years, but before that he was physical on a regular basis for several years. (However, I just found that he busted up the gate on his way out this morning.)  It is one of his tactics to get me into a small room like the bathroom and box me in and get in my face and scream, just like this morning.  I know he was trying to intimidate me.  I was afraid to argue too much with him because I was afraid that I would push him to the point that he would hit me again.  Right now, I really do not know the first thing to do.  My emotions are so twisted that I don't know which end is up.  It would be easier if it were a Monday and I could get the ball moving on things, and he were back at work.  I have been preparing for the possibility of leaving for a while now.  I have worked really hard and made sure that I am totally debt free and that we retain nothing jointly.  We do not have any children together or own a home or anything jointly.  However, all the utilities, etc. are in my name.  I don't want to shut them off, but I want them out of my name.  I am in totally uncharted waters here and I don't know what do do first.  I need direction from someone who has been there and has left amid this kind of crap.  How do I go about doing this and really leaving him?  What do I do first?

Thank for your help!

Phoenix

You have options Phoenix.  If you want to leave today, pack a bag and leave...  before he arrives home.  You can stay with a relative / friend, leave the area to stay at a hotel for a couple days.  Come Monday morning, you can call a lawyer and arrange to have your name removed from the utility accts.  Should you leave, make sure your family and friends know what's going on.  Also call your local DV # for support.  Safety first.

You know better than anyone what the weekend will be like should you decide to stay a few more days... will he arrive home acting as though everything is fine or will he continue to be threatening?  Should you stay, you need to contact your family and friends to let them know whats going on.  And yes, walking on eggshells is a wise choice when we're being threatened... safety first.  You do what you have to do to until you're in a position to do differently.

NO - you are NOT crazy.  I TOO thought that I didn't belong in the group of abused women - I was never hit.  there are many forms of abuse.  Physical abuse is only 1 of them.  Emotional & verbal abuse is very common & VERY damaging.  You question youself on every level - feel inadequate, stupid, crazy.......  the list goes on. 

At some point, you do grieve the loss of your dreams - the dreams you had of a wonderful life with the man of your dreams.  You realize that the man of your dreams is not who you thought him to be.  Your LIFE is not what you had hoped it would be.  And you grieve. 

The longer you are in an abusive relationship, the more damage there is to your self-esteem, self-confidence, & self-image.  Not to mention the more entangled your life has become with your abuser - kids, finances, etc. 

It can be VERY hard to break away & start over - ESPECIALLY when you are telling yourself that you are not being hit so what do you have to complain about.  It could be worse.  I only see him on weekends. 

Starting over isn't easy.  Here is a question to think about -

"What if I had only 6 months to live?  Would I stay or leave?  Your answer could provide some interesting insights.  If you had only 6 months to live would you want to spend it with the abuser?  If your answer is yes, how would you like to spend the time?  Would you want to spend it fighting, crying, being angry, feeling guilty, or feeling rejected, or would you want to spend it peacefully, happily, in playful enjoyment?  Is that really possible with the abuser?  If you wouldn't want to spend the last 6 months of your life with the abuser, you shouldn't be with him now."  ("Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel)

I was married 33 years - lots of problems not worth getting into.  I divorced 3 years ago & I have never had one regret.  I was blessed to have found a REAL man of my dreams & we are incredibly happy together.  It was a long journey but SO worth the trip!!! 

God Bless - LS  >.< 

I am here  to ask for advise.

Ive  been married  since  I was  16. we  have  3 childern 16yr old 15 yr old and  10 yr old.

I could start to start at the begining  but atm my mind  wants to work backwards being  the most resent avents.

just in the  last few weeks  i have  relized that my whole marrage  has  been  verry abusive.

Ive always  said I put up  with him because I love him  but  I cant  even belive that anymore.

My husband keeps  me under his controll and ive  let  him all these years not  even relizing  most of it.

The worst part of our  marrage is  him not  caring about my wants  or  feelings and  the  sexual  abuse.Ive been forced  to  give in to anal sex with him alot. and to let him breastfeed. now it  is  causing  me problems I did go see a  doc and that is  when i relized  that what ive been  letting him do to me is abuse.

im sure  your asking  why. Any time  i refuse he is a  &%  to everyone. So basicly I dont  always refuse   just for  the peace.

ok well im not  gona  share  our hole  story it  too mesed up. My childen do not know what I have to put up with to keep our  home a  happy one. although it is never  that  happy anyway.they only here  what he  says .and he makes me out  to be pretty nuts

ok  heres  what id  like to hear, How  do I get myself out of  this depressing  mood so that I can  get a  job and get myself out of this hell.

And I would  realy Love  to hear  Ideas on how to get my kids  to know with out  telling them details?

I really daught  that the older  2 will  even  want to go with me.

The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Men who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward

Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel

Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Violence in Families: What Every Christian Needs to Know by Al Miles

Insult to Injury: Rethinking our Responses to Intimate Abuse by Linda Mills

Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward

 The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans

Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out; On relationship and recovery by Patricia Evans

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catharine Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark

The Battered Wife: How Christians Confront Family Violence by Nancy Nason-Clark

Keeping the Faith : Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse by Marie Fortune

Integrity of a Father: A Daughter's Testimony of a Father's Love With Insight into Domestic Violence : Understanding the Abused Woman by Reeni Fenholt

Predatory Female by Shannon Lawrence

Men Who Hate Women & the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why by Susan Forward

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George Simon

Passive-Aggression: A Guide for the Therapist, the Patient and the Victim by Martin Kantor

Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryn Collins

Go Away, Come Closer: When What You Need the Most Is What You Fear the Most, a Book About Intimacy by Terry Hershey

Fear of Intimacy by Robert Firestone

Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman: Wisdom and Hope for Women At Any Stage of Emotional Abuse Recovery by Beverly Engel

Your Perfect Right by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons (Assertiveness and Equality in your Life and Relationships)

Feeling Good by David D. Burns, MD. (The new Mood Therapy -- The clinically proven Drug-Free Treatment for Depression)

It's My Life Now : Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence By Meg Dugan

HOW TO FORGIVE WHEN YOU CAN'T FORGET Healing our personal Relationships, by Charles Klein

I am so sorry to read about all that everyone has been thru.  So sad... 

Here are some resources available: 

websites 

www.youarenotcrazy.com 

www.dririene.com 

www.abnet.org 

www.womenslaw.org 

www.acadv.org 

www.leavingabuse.com 

www.ndvh.org 

www.actabuse.com 

www.verbalabuse.com 

www.lilaclane.com 

www.womanabuseprevention.com 

www.stopthehurt.com 

www.healthyplace.com 

www.drjoecarver.com 

www.endabuse.org 

www.domesticeviolence.org 

www.joy2meu.com 

www.silcom.com/paladin/madv/ 

also type in "power & control wheel" & "equity wheel" in your search engine. 

books 

"Co-dependant no more by Melody Beattie 

"why does he do that?  Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com) 

"the emotionally abusive relationship" & "Breaking the cycle"  by Beverly Engel (also www.beverlyengel.com) 

"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward 

"The verbally abusive realationship" & "Controlling people"  by Patrice Evans 

"Dangerous realtionships" by Noelle Nelson, PhD 

"It;s my life now:starting over after an abusive relationship" by Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger Hock 

"No visible wounds" by Mary Susan Miller PhD 

The national domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).    

Domestic violence centers have many free programs and help available from support groups to legal advocates. Call them. 

Blessings & safety to all... 

Just a quick update on my situation.  He came home like everything was fine.  In the meantime, I had moved a bunch of my stuff to storage.  And I mean I moved a BUNCH of stuff!  I am so sore this morning but I am feeling more positive.  I am making baby steps and getting out of this mess.  I have been nice but kind of cold toward him.  He keeps telling me he loves me and I don't respond.  He keeps pretending to be sick to try to get my sympathy and it is not working.  He slept on the cough last night.  He has not apologized yet and I really don't expect him to.  I think part of him is afraid to bring it up because he knows I am behaving differently this time.  I mentioned that he had broken the gate yesterday when he was leaving.  You should hear the whopper of a story he came up with about that one.  He claims he had his hands full and was trying to open the gate with his foot, but he lost his balance and his foot went through the wooden gate, then when trying to pull his foot back out, he fell flat onto his back.  (I almost laughed out loud on that one!)  I am still here, treading water.  I found out yesterday that I would have to wait until Monday if I needed to file a protection order.  For some reason, it cannot be done on the weekend, only during normal business hours.  That is so insane.  I am hoping that it doesn't have to come down to that and he will let me leave in peace.  I hope I can use the possibility of a protection order as a trump card and he will not create much of a scene.  It is going to be so hard to leave my home and my space that I have gotten used to.  This sucks.  Why do these men have to be such jerks and keep everyone's live in such turmoil?

Please help me stay strong ladies.  I really, really want out of this mess.  My best friend recently moved 12 hours away and I feel like the only support I have is here. 

Thanks to all and God bless.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Phoenix