Topic : Abuse

Dar n it, I just lost my entire response to you !!!

 

Not difficult to tell I'm tired again tonight...can't seem to get my message posted.

 

I'm not going to retype it now, as I am grumbling over loosing the message into thin air.

 

Long story short.

 

YOU POSTED YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS TO MARSPLASTI.  I WAS NOT ACCEPTING OF THE FACT THAT YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WAS POSTED IN A PUBLIC FORUM HERE, AND WARNED AGAINST IT AS WELL AS SUGGESTED YOU GET IT REMOVED BY THE MODERATORS, THE POST WHERE YOU POSTED THE ADDRESS FOR ALL TO SEE.

 

GO BACK TO YOUR LIST OF POSTS....FIND THE ONES IN AND AROUND MARCH 8-12TH AND YOU WILL SEE SOME HAVE BEEN REMOVED YET THERE IS EVIDENCE THERE OF YOUR POSTING TO MARSPLASTI AND MY RESPONSES TO THAT, X2.  And then Marsplasti saying " sorry, she forgot."

 

I've been ridiculed by some for my Internet safety warnings over time in here.  But I would be remiss in not putting the helpful and necessary information out there to warn.

 

Safety is important, both because of the subject matter.....and in regard to use of the Internet. 

 

Believe you me, we have had our share of  Internet kooks, Internet nitwits in here over time. 

 

Some more scary than others!

 

No joke, no laughing matter.

 

 

 

 

It's also interesting to note,

 

If an email is mentioned in blogger.com blogs, it can be cross references through google.  I find my blog through running my email after first reading about that little 'glitch' here.

 

I don't think it is a site issue, it may actually be a internet programming thing.  I don't know.  It is a good idea to have a diversion account though.  For several reasons, particularly safety if that is an issue for some.

 

It is a good idea to remember in general with anything on the internet, that although there is a illusion of privacy, there is no actual privacy online.  Whatever information is put on the internet is done at the users risk, therefore caution is advised.

So many times we have new people on the boards.  They post, vent, we listen.  We post back telling them what they need to do, what they are facing - we try to point out the truth & hard facts of the dysfunction they are living with. 

 

Pleasance was with me in the very beginning of my recovery.  She can be very to the point - a good thing.  It can be hard to hear, though, but I KNOW she posts with love & SO wants everyone to find their way just as I do!  We NEED the variety of survivors we have here - the wisdom of Q for instance, & my own way of "coaching", as well as all the others that have learned so much along the way to healing.  But sometimes new people will get our replies & disappear. 

 

Not ready to hear the truth?  Still in denial?  The "not me" syndrome?  The "my situation is different" syndrome?  Who knows. 

 

I know that for me it was a VERY big pill to swallow.  Acknowledging the truth changed everything.  I KNEW what I needed to do but I was scared.  I pulled away too for a bit.  But I never forgot what I was told.  The "seed" of knowledge that was planted in me grew till I could deny it no longer.  I HAD TO DO SOMETHING or forever be caught up in merely complaining about it.  I could NOT do NOTHING anymore.  I knew the road would be a hard one.  I knew there would be challenges.  I did what needed to be done but I was scared - SO SCARED - all the way along my journey to healing.  Fear can paralyze you if you let it.  You MUST keep moving forward, always putting one foot in front of the other towards your future. 

 

To those of you who may be reading - inquiring - trying to find your way - in the shadows of the posts everyday but not finding the courage to write one -

 

Don't be afraid.  We understand.  We've been there.  We know how hard it is & how scared you are.  You have become fragile after years of abuse even though at one time in your past you were most likely a very strong individual.  You are still that person - you've just become buried in the rubble of abuse.  Maybe you are at the end of your rope.  Maybe you are at the point of suicide.  Hopeless.  Nothing to look forward to but more of the same.  At the bottom of that pit of despair feeling like there is no way out for you. 

 

There IS a way out.  Reach out.  FIND the person you used to be.  Re-create yourself again till you are finally the person you were meant to be all along.  The strength is there inside of you - it always was.  Just like Dorothy's shoes - you, too, have always had the power to "go home".  You just don't realize it.  Do you know what is there with you at the bottom of that pit?  YOUR STRENGTH!  Like someone said here - you can't see the forrest for the trees.  Once you pick yourself up & start moving toward healing & recovery, you'll find all the strength you need.  It comes to you & can be as bottomless as that pit of despair!  You won't know where it comes from but that's irrelevant. 

 

You have been looking at your situation from only your point of view.  Now is the time to look at it from a different angle.  What a difference it makes.  Your misery has kept your escape hidden from you.  You MUST stop feeling sorry for yourself, forever whining & complaining & focusing on DETAILS & DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THINGS!  You HAVE the power - use it!!!  If you don't, you may as well just PUT UP & SHUT UP. 

 

Haven't you done that long enough?  God Bless - LS  >^.^<   

Yes P,

 

I did do that and it was a bad decision however while the indication in some posts still exist the address doesn't, still this isn't how the individual traced my email to the boards (they would have had to come here directly and looked up my UN which they didn't know), instead they did a Google search which gave them the link to my profile and posts here.   After trying out several search engines and tests I have determined that it seems to be more of a Google problem then of anywhere else- so I would suggest that no one here attach a Google email address to their profile as they (Google) do not seem to have adequate security for their customers.

 

At any rate, I just wanted to make all of those that come here to find support in a safe environment to be careful about their profiles, as for me I was more offended that someone could do this then anything.  It didn't affect my life in anyway that did anything more than that.  My life at this point in the past month and a half has had a big turnabout- 

 

At that point I gave up everything to the hands of God and He (my Wonderful Lord) took my husband to a drastic place of teaching humility and the destructive path he was taking himself and everyone else on, since then I have seen a very dramatic change in him, his behavior and his views on everything.  Life is not perfect (it never is) but for the 1st time in several years I can look in his eyes and see the difference.  He came home that day after he was brought to his place of crisis, walked in the door confessed all  he had done and been to me, handed me the car keys, the car title, his checkbook, bankcard and mailbox key and gave up all control of everything in our marriage and family. 

 

Nothing is greater than the grace and love of God and I am always amazed at all He does for us when we let Him and to what lengths and depths He will take someone in order to shake them up, open their eyes and give them the chance to renew themselves and turn from their course of destruction!

 

So, I give praise to my wonderful Lord and all of my times are in His Hands!

Thank you so much for your response.  I know you are right in every respect.  Your posts have been some of the most eye-opening for me.  Just to answer some of the questions you posed, in about 2001 or 2002 I think, I did make him go to counseling.  He only went about 3 times and then he apparently only talked about how he was so depressed from his back injury.  (He did have a back injury, but I find myself wondering how bad it truly was.  I personally think he milked it for all it was worth.)  He never once mentioned the real reason he was there for counseling.  The problem is, he is a medical professional himself and knows all the right things to say.  It would take a very astute counselor some time to see through his smoke and mirrors. 

 

I have purchased "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Why Does He Do That" because I see them recommended over and over on this site and others.  I had to sneak to buy them and then I have to read them in short sittings when I have alone time.  I do not want him to know I am educating myself to his ways.  It is slow going, but they are opening my eyes to say the least.

 

Yes, I am a spiritual person and yes he knew just how to play me.  His new found religion lasted only a few weeks.  I strive to be a good person and practice loving kindness to my own detriment.

 

I did start an abuse journal and try to record each incident.  I admit, I do forget to journal sometimes.  It seems his actions are so common to me anymore that I just take them in stride because they are normal to me now.  I fear I have lost my perception.  I find myself wondering, "was that abusive or am I overreacting?"  I really need help in defining the abusive incidents. 

 

Yes, he tried to isolate me.  He has always hated my family and has nasty comments about them.  Not so much anymore, or at least I don't think it is so much anymore, like I said, my perception is not what it used to be and I don't notice a lot of things.  I am very close to my family and they are wonderful people.  I used to have lots of friends and be quite the social butterfly.  I only have a few friends now that I keep in touch with by phone, the ones who know what he does.  He is jealous of everyone and everything.  He was jealous of the relationship that I formed with his child, not because it was better than his relationship, but because the child took away his attention from me.  He is even jealous of my dog!  He has never met his other child.

 

He is so needy it seems.  He has this "lost little boy" persona.  I take care of everything.  He goes to work and that is it and I mean literally that is it.  (But that is another issue in and of itself.  Just suffice it to say he is a chronic abuser of sick time.)  He does not help around the house at all.  When I have home projects that I cannot handle, I have to call his best friend to come help. (I do not know how his friend has stuck around all these years because he is an ass to him at times too.)   I do everything else.  He is not financially controlling, but he is financially abusive because he spends all the money and runs up debts that I get to bail him out of.  I have to take care of all of his "drama."  If he has issues with child support for example, I get to do all the talking to the attorney and keep all the paperwork organized, etc.  I feel like I am his mother and he is a spoiled little brat. I hate dealing with his drama.  I guess I do it because I have learned if I don't then it becomes my fault because it wasn't done and it became easier to do it than to put up with his tantrums. 

 

He is extremely jealous of other men and is very possessive of me.  I gave up my male friends long ago.  On occasion, we have interacted with some of his associates in a social capacity.  On more than one occasion he has gotten angry because he felt like a man was giving me too much attention all because they were treating me gentlemanly like a man is supposed to treat a woman. He did not perceive it as such.  There was just such an incident a few months back and he even got so angry he woke me up just to hand me his wedding band and give me this hurt, forlorn look.  Maybe it was because I was half asleep, but I saw the BS for what it was.  I took off my wedding band too.  I felt like I saw the door to my cell open just a bit and I was gearing up to make a run for it.  I went back to sleep and then the next day I treated him like he has always treated me.  I felt good and powerful turning the tables on him.  I got angry and read him the riot act.  He then started making his excuses for his behavior.  He has since referred to it as "the day I lost my mind."  Thanks to wisdom gathered from these boards and others like it, I have been calling him on his behavior more and more and have even started to notice it in other men.  He has since said I have become a "man-hater".  I replied that I did not hate MEN I hated abusive punks pretending to be men!  I guess that was when I realized that I am tired of his behavior and how it makes me feel.  That is when I realized the dead horse was not getting up no matter how much I beat it.  That is when I started looking in ernest for the keys to freedom.

 

Sorry to ramble, but it feels good to finally start getting it out.  I get started and go off on a tangent.  I have been married for over 12 years and deep down I have been wanting out for a long time now. Because of my personal belief system I felt I had to stick it out and try to fix it.   I am an educated professional, but this situation is taking its toll on me and I feel so unsure of myself and have no confidence anymore.  Thank God we have no children together.  I cannot have children, which has turned out to be a blessing rather than a curse in this situation. 

 

I am running out of time for now and  I must get back to work.  Thank you so very much for taking the time to care about all of us out here and offering your advice and understanding.  God bless you and keep you.

Hey everyone this is my first time writing and telling this to someone other then close family and friends! I think my husband was mintaly abusing me! We always fault about really the same things over and over again. The house was never to his liking and we had a 10 month old starting to really crawl and just starting to take steps so things were everwhere and he would always get made cause there was things that i couldn't get done while he was at work. He would say that taking care of the kids was not a job that i should be able to watch my son and clean house and due all the laundry by the time he got home from work and have dinner started! If he would call me during the day and i was taking a nap with my son cause i was so tried he would get made about that cause he couldn't take a nap! Then one day i cant remember why this came up but he told me that he wasn't attrated to me anymore that he still loved me but because i had gained weight he wasn't attrated to me! that broke my heart so bad that i just started gain more and more! Then things became a little more abusive and controlling, i went home to see my parents they lived about a hour and half away from us. my mother has never liked him and she had some words about him. well when i got home a couple days later we went to walmart and i was having a hard time keeping up with him he 6'1 im 5'2 and he was walking fast cause he was tired and wanted to get home! when somehting looked interesting i would stop and look and he would get so mad and say lets go lets go over and over so i told him go ahead and pay ill meet you up there. we get up there pay for everything as we leave there is a cat beside our car while he is puting things in the car i say hello to the cat cause i love animals and thats when he gets really mad he screams at me to get in to the car when i say hold on im coming he screams lounder! all the way home i was difending ever move i made at walmart. instead of going home he goes about a block from the house and parks! he tells me that he made tons of sacrifices and that i hadn't made any! when i told him i left my family and friends he said oh two friends and a mother that doesnt even like you! i was going to say something about it and when i said my mom he said yeah so what was it that your mother said about me and i told him that i wasn't going to get into it cause that was somthing else that didn't have to do with what we were talking about! then he said he wasn't moving the car till i told him! so we sat there for a good 5 mint i guess then you could see the angur in him he turns the car on and turns the corner about recked the car pulls in the drive way and slams every door in the car other then mine (4 door car) then throws the keys at my face and storms into the house! this was the first time this had ever happened so i called my bestfriend and she didn't really know what to tell me other then for me to be carfull! I left him about a month ago, i had just got home from the hospital cause i had an atempted misscare i was bleeding alot! we got into an argument as he was cooking dinner and so i walked into the bed room quietly closed the door and was trying to calm down so i could eat cause my stomach was still hurting from the bleeding almost like really bad cramps and he comes runing down the hall tried to open the door and couldn't so he kicked the door down with me behind it! he gets in my face screaming done ever lock a door in my house ever agian! i coulndn't breath and he just goes and eats and my son is with my husbans father cause he scream scared! he leaves me on the floor crying and hurting. when i started hyper ventalating he asked do you need a paper bag i told him to get away from me! i texted my dad what happened and he told me to get out of there! well my husband was fixing the door and all of a sundden it was are you going to be made at me the rest of the night?  i sitll love you over and over again are you made at me! so about an hour later a cop comes to the door and asks is someone hitting there wife here? hes father says no nothing is going on here, he comes to us in the bed room the cops are here and they are asking about what happened he said i told them nothing happened! they questioned us seprate and i told them everything and my husband said that nothing happened at all. my biggest mistake was not pressing charges! the next day my friends and family came and got me and took me back home. i wrote my husband tell him that the inverment that we had wasn't right for the kids to grow up in! and that i wanted him to get help and for us work our marrige out. He told me to abort the baby and that he was getting a divorce from me! and if i kept the baby that he was going to make mine and the babies life a living hell for the next 18 years! i dont know what to think, i love him but im scared of him at the same time! sorry i wrote so much there was more that i could have but i dont have time. it feels good to get it out though. if anyone has any advise as to what i should do please i need it bad! thanks for reading =)

I think you are spot on with your observation and advice. 

 

To add another point, sometimes when a person has been abused for a long time they become so broken they give up.  However, it's my belief  we find the courage and stamina to fight the fight for another reason.  In my case, my abuser was my dad.  Even though I was a married adult and out of the house, he continued to emotionally abuse me.  I found my courage through my children.  He started to use his emotional and mental abuse on them and something inside me exploded and I said to myself "No Way."  From that point on, I was a different person and I was like a momma lion protecting her cubs.  I found the ability to do what needed to be done on their behalf, something I could not do for myself.

 

Educating myself about abuse and dysfunction became my obsession.  I could not read enough books, attend enough lectures or parenting classes.  I did not want to repeat any of the mistakes my parents had made and quite frankly, I had no clue what was normal...I guessed at what was normal.  I went to ACOA-Adult Children of Alcoholics, Al-ANon and private counseling.  Once the process began, there was no going back.  I was driven...my kids future was at stake.

 

I also think its important not to get caught up about "when" you are going to leave - or pressure yourself to set a date/time to leave.  It takes so much courage and strength to take a leap into the unknown -sometimes you can only take baby steps.  Keep in mind the great wall of China was built one brick at a time.  I still question things because after all these years something is said to me that was said in my past and I don't  react as I should...I still don't always recognize abuse.  However, my alarm is now my voice inside - when I get the feeling something doesn't sit right it doesn't matter if I understand the "why" - I sit up and take notice just because it doesn't feel right.  Eventually I figure it out.  If you learn to listen to your inner voice and give it the strength it needs, you will make healthy decisions and definitely recognize red flags.  Your voice becomes your power!

 

I think journaling is a very good way to work on the healing process because if you look back and read your thoughts and notes and you are still struggling with the same issues and have made no progress, then its time to ask yourself the question:  am I just spinning my wheels????  Am I moving away from the abuse towards a healthy life or am I stuck.  One can sit in a rocking chair and make a huge amount of movement but never go anywhere. Denial will halt progress.

 

My mom use to have a saying that I think is so pertinent to posters on this board. She would tell me that "what may bend one person - could break another."  Don't compare yourself to anyone - or their recovery.  You can only do your best - it doesn't matter how someone else handled their situation.  Information on this board is just that - guideline for people who have successfully made their break from abuse.  I like to think my role on the board is that of support.  I think it gives strength to an individual who is contemplating leaving their abusive life to read about people who made it successfully and it can be done.

 

A dose of moral support to all those in need today.

 

Fondly,

 

Very Irish

 

 

Well, I can only guess...

 

Some messages have been removed?

 

Is that the case?

 

Anyone going to talk to me directly?

 

 

I KNEW from your post that you just had to be a spiritual person.  They ALWAYS know how to hurt you the most.  I'm not at all surprised that his newfound relegion didn't last either - it was no more than a scam anyway.  You are probably right about his back problem - that he probably WAS milking it for all it was worth.  They can be such "drama queens".  Mine had a nervous breakdown once & was in rehab once - BOTH times he had access to councellors & was never honest with them.  He skirted around issues & only told the councellor certain things - never getting down to his real problems.  I went with him to a marriage councellor once (he went a few times at my insistence) - the only thing that came up was his cheating!!!  At that point, I didn't care anymore - I was finding MY OWN healing here. 

 

Good for you on the books!!!  They are invaluable!  I remember reading - soaking up everything like a sponge!!!  VERY eye opening!  I don't think I ever read so much or so fast! 

 

So much information in those books.  So much of our lives are really text-book examples.  I thought they were writing about me!!!  And I thought I was so unique that no one in the world could possibly have the same problems as I did!  I had NO IDEA how common my victim role was! 

 

I also had a journal.  I didn't write all the time - just when I needed to vent.  It was interesting to read after I was WELL down the road to recovery & healing.  I called it one time my "book of pain".  It was a place to vent that was safe.  I kept it hidden. My last entry was the day my divorce was final.  I didn't feel the need to write anymore after that day. 

 

It's OK to need a kind of compass to navigate through all the garbage that has been laid on you.  It can be confusing.  I used to make it easier on myself by saying that if it's negative - GET RID OF IT!  Negativity is ALWAYS connected in some way to the abuse of the past.  I had "deleted" SO MUCH negativity that my head felt almost empty!  I felt like the blackboard of my mind had just been wiped clean.  NOW I could fill the void with positive thinking.  If it isn't doing you good or making you feel good, delete it - it's negativity.  If it helps you to feel better about yourself in some way, keep it - it's positive thinking.  Even if you aren't sure what is abuse or not abuse - as long as it is harmful in some way & negative, IT IS ABUSIVE - DELETE IT without question.  Then replace those deleted negative thoughts with positive ones & DON'T YOU DARE feel guilty for taking care of yourself or thinking of yourself!  Taking care of yourself is NOT a luxury - it's necessary!!!       

 

Another trick I used was this.  I too am very spiritual.  If God created EVERYONE equal, then I am JUST as important as any PRINCESS that walks this earth, right?!!!  So I tried to picture myself as a princess - OK, what is acceptable behavior towards a princess?  Would a princess be talked to in a certain way?  Would a princess accept that kind of treatment?  etc.  If not, then I SHOULDN'T BE TREATED OR TALKED TO THAT WAY EITHER!  I would hold my head up high & be proud of myself (even though I wasn't quite ready to believe that I was really worth the air I breathed yet!)  It was kind of "fake it till you make it" kind of an attitude.  I treated myself with respect even if I wasn't sure I deserved it yet.  My self-esteem was low & these things helped to raise it somewhat till I understood more about my situation.  Don't worry, a victim of abuse would probably NEVER become a snob - too much of a stretch from where we were - I just overkilled a little since I needed the extra boost FAST.  It was a B12 shot for my self-esteem.  Hey, it worked! I can laugh about it now but I sure wasn't laughing then! 

 

I also did EVERYTHING.  All my X did was work & come home to eat & watch TV.  He wouldn't even take out the trash even if it was overflowing. How quickly we learned that it wasn't worth the drama to argue about things if we could do it ourselves instead & avoid the stress. Pretty soon, you are doing everything & it's true, I felt more like his mother than a partner.  He wouldn't drive anywhere either if we went somewhere.  I, too, did lots of things around the house & if something needed to be repaired & I didn't know how, I had to call someone. 

 

I must say that I didn't have any jealousy problems with him but I was pretty much just a stay-at-home mom & didn't go anywhere where there would be men. He seemed to want to be left alone.  I always thought that he shouldn't be living with anyone.  Me & the kids (4 girls) all seemed to be in his way.  When he came home, we all scattered like mice in the middle of the night - all escaping into our respective rooms to avoid him & any conflict. 

 

Our belief systems are very much a part of why we stay & try to work it out.  I grew up Catholic & at a time when you didn't get a divorce.  If you married the wrong guy - OH WELL, TOUGH LUCK!  Divorce was a stigma.  I stayed for the kids too.  I couldn't stand the thought of him having ANY kind of custody of then.  I knew he abused them too & I could never leave them alone with him.  Any time I did, they would cry & beg me not to leave them with him.  I did some ceramics classes on Mondays for a bit but had to stop.  The kids told me he would start yelling before the car left the driveway & they ended up spending the entire time in their room to avoid being constantly yelled at for anything & everything. 

 

Keep coming back here. Let us "guide" you & help you along your way.  EVERYTHING is confusing to you right now. Everything is in question.  That's normal.  You are weak from all the abuse you suffered.  The more you learn, the stronger you will become again.  Soon you will feel empowered. 

 

I found a picture of myself - a picture of me as a toddler.  I kept it in a place where I would see it each & every day.  It reminded me of the person I was fighting for - that inner child - the person I was MEANT to be - the person with God given rights to be equal, treated with respect, & loved for who she is - the girl in the picture that had NO stains of abuse on her personality & NO wounds or bruises on her soul!  I promised "her" that I would find her & set her free from the dark recesses of my soul where she had been imprisoned for so many years!  I promised my youngest one day that I would find myself again.  I didn't start out broken - that took years.  I DID find her & we are one again!  You can find yourself again too.  Keep up the faith & be strong.  You have a lot you are fighting for.  It will most likely turn out to be the fight of your life - FOR your life!  Treat yourself with all the respect of a child of God & accept NOTHING less from ANYONE ever again!!!  You ARE "perfect" in God's eyes - He created you & only 1 of you throughout all of time!!!  You are not one in a million - you are ONE OF A KIND!  Always remember that.  Your self-confidence will return & you'll never lose it again.  God Bless - LS  >^.^<     

Well said!  Thanks for your point of view.  All are needed.  What helps one person may not help another & visa versa.  What beautiful "music" we all make when putting all our voices together to fight abusive behavior & all the pain it causes! 

 

My "mamma bear" mentality I used to fight for my inner child.  I also knew I had to take care of myself & find myself again if I were to be ANY kind of role model for my children!  Up to that point, the only lesson that I seemed to have passed on was how to be a doormat!  

 

Can you imagine how wonderful it felt to have my kids come up to me & tell me how very proud of me they were on the day of my graduation from beauty school!!!  I still have all the cards I got from them telling me how great they thought it was that I fought so hard to find my way out of the pit of despair I was in!  They still mention it now & then & are SO happy for me that I found my way to such a wonderful life now!  Who could have known that in just a few years I would be so deleriously happy with another man even!!!  My sweetheart is my miracle after the miracle of my re-birth if you will!  We've been together for over 2 years now & it just continues to get better with every passing day.  We are going on a cruise in September & he said we'll go get a ring when we come back home!!!  (Could be I'll come home with it - who knows - he could surprise me)  I just know that we are meant to be together.  He had his own hell to live through & we DESERVE each other in all the best ways possible. 

 

I NEVER would have imagined my future way back in the beginning of my recovery.  I never would have been so scared if I had known what was just around the corner for me.  But that's just it.  We DON'T know.  It's a leap of faith.  All we know is the pain of the past but there are SO many possibilities for us.  I just want everyone to be as happy as I am now - FINALLY! 

 

They say what goes around comes around.  Well, I paid my dues & now it's MY TURN!!!  HOW SWEET IT IS!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<