Topic : Abuse

 Pleasance and all who "prayed" and understood.   Thank you Bless you, and know you are my inspiration.   I did have a "fall on your knees" moment when he came to get HIS (?) furniture out of the barn. What he took was the furniture we had when first married (his) and when he opened the barn (which he was too lazy to help me deal with 30 accumulated stuff and memories but durn hotfooted to help HIMSELF), I saw all the childrens toys, stuff no longer in use, Halloween decorations (big time of year for me and girls) and well I ran to  the back of a  tree (he didn't know) and cried and cried and cried with the heartbreak of reality, I cried so much I thought for sure I would just melt into the pool of my tears and "disappear" in the puddle at my feet (here I am hiding behind a tree having my "private" cry while he is oblivious to anything but "his" mindset of taking care of him. )

 

  I "died" that day, or rather something inside me died (my childhood thoughts of forever after, and or being cared for and truly loved for me. )  I hit the ground on my knees and (sorry for the religious references, but for me it worked) and asked God to take away this unbearable pain.   I said "HELP!" and honestly I got STRENGTH from letting go of those years of built up tears.  It was "cleansing" and awakening.   I got my help and my answer............."Did I really want to live with someone who could cause me such pain, and be TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to it (and only see "his" needs)?  NO!!!!  Did I want to take complete charge (mentally and emotionally) of getting away from such pain?  Resounding YES!!!!  At that point I knew, there was REALLY no turning back, and frankly I really didn't want to.   I let go of my "dreams" and the man I hoped for and "saw" like I never had before, that ME had to take care of ME.   And, gosh, that was what I was supposed to have KNOWN all along, and it was going to be OK. Not over, but ok to look out for number one and  number two (my youngest).  I had really been the one to WIN! A victory over adversity, and anamosity.

 

  Now, pain and age and my own emotional and physical sickness, outrage and anger, and fears all came together to "force" me to find the fortitude and strength to "free" myself emotionally and physically (matter of survival?) to walk the LONG walk to emotional happiness. 

 

  I realized I had started on this journey YEARS ago, but hoped I didn't have to pick which fork in the road to follow, in short I "hoped" he would be the man I needed and I wouldn't be faced with the decision of protecting self (from emotional abuses). 

 

  I WAS A COWARD, had lost my own "free will" capabilities and had given my power away.  All those years of "hope" suddenly DIED their final death.   I grieved, and gained strength from "letting go" of childish "dreams" of happily ever after.

 

   Like a lightbulb, I saw years of selling self out,  (done in specks of acquiessence hardly noticible at the time) and how it left me  begging for a crumb of empathy  and compassion from the person who STOLE my self esteem. IRONIC?.  VERY humbling.  I saw all the things that hadn't earlier "really made any sense" and most of all, I saw my "enemies" REAL weaknesses.   For to me anyone that can ONLY think of self, and manipulates others to do the same, is the one with the REAL handicap.   To be real and exist they have to FORCE others to bow to them...........how sad, what an existance for a human being.   To be this way was against EVERYTHING I had been taught, learned and believed in.   Oh my, what strength I got from these "God sent" (again sorry for the preach) revelations.  My mom calls these "front porch moments", which I still don't understand where that comes from, but hey, it was a whopper of a light bulb ME IS GOING TO BE OK, IF NOT BETTER IN THE LONG RUN MOMENT.

 

  I realized being unable to "let go" had REALLY been what kept me prisioner all along. The sellout of me, left me with no "inner strength"...........but  I really was fighting all along for ME to exist.

 

  Ok, so here is what I have learned from experience.

 

  The most important element of "breaking the bonds of abuse" is to have the mentality of the abuser, temporiarly, a "know your enemy" or rather your souls enemy.

 

  IN short, they do what they do because they are UNABLE to really relate, empathize and think of others and their needs and feelings.  USE this, back on them.  Stop caring about them, the manipulations and the pain.  Get in Jungle fighter mentality.  This was pretty easy for me, having been a "tomboy", and well equipped with "former life" self esteem.   I called on my "survival" of the boys, instincts.

 

  Think back to your childhood experiences, where boys were "yuck" ,full of themselves, and braggarts more than "do its".  Remember how the school yard boys always laughed at and put down the girls as inferior? Or the jerk that was mean to you cause you didn't want to "go steady" with such an arrogant and mean turd? Remember how "small" they seemed to make you feel if you "rejected" their bunglings at "love", which , according to these immature morons, was supposed to be gotten by force, manipulation and intimidation?  It made you hurt, angry, disgusted, and fearful?  Well, DUH! To me being "that" kind of  a girl, all batty eyed and dumb was an INSULT. Ok so realize, your abuser, never matured past the school yard bully stage of emotional maturity, where you ASK, not take by force, you earn, not steal someones love.

 

  Once you realize who REALLY is the emotionally, and mentally "stunted" individual here, the rest kinda just comes. Get over the need to protect them, and the embarrassement that you are actually MARRIED to an emotionally stunted man.  We all make mistakes, to keep repeating them is the shame.

 

  Self preservation, in spite of horrendous manipulations for you to "be taken by force" into the nether land of emotional and physical abuse, is prime.  It IS up to you to free you, and there is just NO getting around it. 

 

 Sometimes that means (usually does) you have to adopt the mentality of the bully, to beat the bully at his game. Get MEAN, i and unfeeling (for othersO inside.  Do not let them know you have "changed".  It is essential to hold your "ace in the hole" the NEW you close to your chest.   Disarm, but act wiser with YOU, not the two of you, in mind.  Be warned, good acting skills in order, as they CAN sense the change, you have to work on being "secretive" not open as is your usual nature.

 

  Jungle mentality.  In the jungle NO one helps you survive.  Your wits, and your inner strength is ALL you have to call on, and for gosh sakes DO NOT TELL THE "ENEMY" you game plans or thoughts or actions in your own behalf.  This is THE single most important rule of the jungle and how you can get out.   STOP TALKING!!!!!  STOP TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!  STOP TALKING.

 

  Start DOING.  IF you talk, or try and talk it into better, all you do is ALERT the "enemy" how to "outfox" you.  Loose lips will sink your ship.   I know it is hard to see someone you loved, as the enemy, but take heart, you did not make them the enemy, they made themselves your enemy by their choice to "steal" away your right to choose for yourself, what treatment you will expect and deserve.

 

  When someone abuses, they made the declaration that they are not to be trusted, fair game for what ever consequences they must themselves face. They will fight with all the resources, and strength they have to not give up "status quo", they become obsessed with "winning" and everything in your life is a "life preserver" to their quest to over power your inner soul.  FIGHT your fight, your quiet fight to save yourself.

 

  Sometimes you have to "reverse" mentality your way out of this, it will require you to "change who you really are" long enough to survive.  By this I mean you have to shift your normal, think of others, empathy and good qualities to those of "survival" mode, do the opposite of what you NORMALLY would do the "get along with others"..........but play the game by their (the abusers rules).

 

  This is what I did, but CAUTION, the threat of violence or if such exists, is REAL.  Do not mess with that in any form.  However if your abuser is really a coward, and primarily into emotional abuses or "mind games" LEARN THE RULES THEY PLAY BY,  find their 'weaknesses".   Buy into their 'self talk" of looking out for number one, while purporting to look out for others.  Use this on them.

 

  In other words with faced with the financial stalls, an abusive spouse uses to abuse financially and also to cut off any means to relief, play it like this.  Keep promoting how this "change" of scene will be to THEIR advantage.  If they smell rejection, they will cling to you.  Don't reject, sell the advantages to THEM. FLATTER their egos, and get them disarmed. I know it is hard to "play act" and to us it seems so "unnatural" and devious.  Remember however, that is EXACTLY what they do. Say one thing and do another.  Promise devotion, love and change while really upping the ante. They USE peoples weak points to manipulate.............use their overthetop ego needs, and need to power over to get them off track of what you are REALLY doing to save you. 

 

  Promote how being "single" or moving out is best for them, tell them you know you are hard to live with (lie) and that  they deserve some peace, (while you work on your issues (lie)  make it appear temporiary, a "time out" from the demands you know you have unfairly made (lie).  Flatter, sell and  use all you "acting abilities" to flatter their  ego and self interest they have.   They will use finances, as an excuse not to affect change.  You may have to get REAL creative and learn to "lie" to them about that too. This was the hardest for me as I am so very adamant about "truth" in all my relationships.  Becoming a practiced "liar" to protect self was probably the hardest thing for me. But it is essential for your survival.

 

  If they think you are all about THEM and what they need, and sell it as "their" just rewards for being so stressed by you (another lie) and how the deserve time to themselves away from you and the kids, and you are beginning to realize what a whacko (lie) you have been and how you think this time away no matter what it costs (lie) is what they really deserve for putting up with you (lie) and that you think it might save the marriage (lie) and well you get the idea.   Reverse phychology, sometimes works wonders.

 

   The hardest thing to do is to "make, force, or otherwise tell a bully what to do.  Worse to tell them what YOU are going to do. 

    Some cannot be overpowered with force, and it is dangerous to try.

     In my case I "took charge" and just did it.  However in many cases that will get you DEAD. Only you know how to manipulate your abusers away from you. In the meantime look out for YOU.  Try and stop being emotional, this angers them as they really do not understand EMOTIONS. 

 

  Oh, I had a wonderful Mothers Day with my mom, and youngest and other family members.  I also did manage to get my riding mower (essential for me to keep up the place, SNAKES) and did get gifts from the older girls, (they are beginning to realize how Daddy's had led them into a horrible place to be) and to miss mom.  However ANY reconcilliation with anyone at this point will only validate it is ok to treat me that way, and poof! all back to normal. NOT.

 

  I have become "cold" to the emotional pull to make nice, even when others don't.  Besides they really do need to be independant of me, and this is a good way to effect that.

 

  Take care all, and thank you thank you thank you, and Pleasance your name says it all. How very Pleasant to have your patience, care and concern, and quiet strength to support and guide us all in this journey to emotional freedom. 

 

 

   

 

I sit here & read.  I see patterns.  ALWAYS patterns.  Abusers MO's always seem to be so obvious to me now.  How sad that me & many others still buy into the game of abuse & don't see what's right in front of them - can't see the forest for the trees of their own insecurities - insecurities that were PUT there by abusers in the first place!  Sometimes it's our boyfriends, husbands, sometimes it goes back even further - with a father.  My father was my first abuser - he set me up for more abuse in my future.  Knowingly?  I prefer to think that he was just as messed up as he made me!!  I forgave him but had to learn how to live NORMALLY! 

 

Years after ending my abusive marriage I STILL have things that come up now & then.  Things that were SO deeply ingrained into my being that I didn't even know that they were there!  I work through them 1 by 1.  My latest learning that I was taught that I had to make myself useFUL or I would be useLESS.  Sad that I was taught that in order to hold on to a relationship, I had to make myself NEEDED.  It scared me to death that my fiance didn't NEED me - he WANTED me!!!  He could get along just fine without me.  Now that I have gotten through my latest re-awakening of sorts, I believe that his being with me is a testament to his deep love for me NOT because he can't live without me but because he doesn't want to. 

 

I now know what a FUNCTIONAL relationship is. 

 

It was a long, hard road to get to where I am today.  I had been abused all my life.  Just not physically. 

 

I never lost my kids.  SOMEHOW they always stayed close to me.  Possibly because he didn't have the patience for them & saw them as extensions of me & therefore, the enemy.  It was the one thing he didn't do - use the kids against me.  ALTHOUGH - there was a time after the divorce when I talked to my youngest about how proud I was that neither of us tried to turn each other against the other parent.  Well, it wasn't QUITE true my daughter said.  He failed.  They were older & knew the truth.  It backfired instead - making his relationship with them even more strained.  He had abused them all from the beginning too & they had had their fill.  They aren't close to him now.  They keep in touch & he comes to the family functions but they aren't close.  You can bet I know I am lucky & blessed.  My own fiance had his child turned against him.  I know it happens.  I keep hoping since she is an adult now that she will come around someday.  I have seen family movies of them together.  Such a loving & attentive father he was - she was CLEARLY his world.  I can completely believe the one parent telling the child that if they kept in touch with the other parent - don't come back to me.  I have no proof but believe that could be what happened with J & his daughter. 

 

Women tend to go for help more than a man but abused men ARE out there too. 

 

So what happens to the kids?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How do THEY survive intact?  THEY DON'T!  SO sickening this abuse is!  Destroys SO many lives!  SO hard to heal from!  What can we do? 

 

I guess we start by healing inside ourselves.  We grow in strength, self-esteem, self-confidence....  We show by example - LIVE being an example of what a strong, healthy woman/man IS!  We can't change them - it's not our job anyway.  All we can do is change OURSELVES.  Negativity brings others down with it.  POSITIVITY can be contageous & think about it - EVERYONE loves to be around a positive person!  Life is life.  NO ONE has everything handed to them on a silver platter. 

 

Recently I noticed some things about people around me.  One person just wanted to rise above all the "old baggage" & be free of everything - be "normal".  Another person - a co-worker - had an experience in her childhood that left her with a fear.  Others had some fears from their past - an incident with a dog may leave one fearing all dogs in the future.  So what does it all mean? 

 

I guess it means that we ALL are affected by our past.  We ALL have SOMETHING that we struggle with - old baggage. Our past is part of who we are - it has shaped us into the people we are today.  THE GOOD NEWS is that we can rise above it.  We can change who we have become & overcome our old baggage.  We are stronger than the past.  We don't HAVE to be forever lost in our fears & insecurities that were dealt to us either from incidents or from abusive people. 

 

Things happen to all of us.  It can change who we are.  BUT ONLY IF WE LET IT!  Yes, I am suggesting that we LET ourselves fall into the pits of despair we have found ourselves in.  Yet it was a completely normal reaction! To quote Maya Angelou - "We did what we knew how to do but when we knew better, we DID better". 

 

WE ARE BEAUTIFUL, NORMAL, GENTLE INDIVIDUALS that have been deeply affected by our past.  But we are better than our past - stronger than our past - & can rise above it & heal to a better life.  Unfortunately, there are casualties along the way - sometimes we lose our kids for a while.  The biggest casualty is the time lost to us.  I may be a forever optimist or a dreamer but believe that what goes around will come around.  I believe that kids will see the light of day someday & finally see the truth.  In the meantime, all we can do sometimes is just heal our way to a normal life & be forever patient that things DO turn around.   

 

One of the first things that needs to be done is to forgive.  It was easy for me to forgive my abusers - I see them as lost people that create their own hell on earth.  I pity them for they may NEVER heal from it or see that they create their own world just as we were lost in OUR own world for so long.  Now that doesn't mean that we won't have our world rocked a bit by them now & then - ESPECIALLY when there are children involved.  It's fallout - fallout from the broken world we were trapped in for so long & it needs to be dealt with.  As long as we don't EVER get trapped again - if we stay strong - heal - & find our own TRUE path - the path we were led astray from.  Forgiving doesn't mean that it's all OK.  It just means that we are letting go of the negativity - that draining negativity.  "Let go with love" comes to mind.  Letting go of negativity may mean letting go of a loved one that is lost in it - a husband, parent, child.  It's HEARTBREAKING to say the least but it is what it is & for our own good, sometimes we just need to keep our distance.     

 

The world will ALWAYS have evil in it - NEGATIVITY in it.  WE are the ones that are blessed enough to be able to SEE.  When we gain that sight, we can heal. 

 

NOW we become empowered.  Now WE are in control of OUR OWN destiny once again!  Instead of the dog walking us, we are walking the dog. 

 

Remain positive knowing that all negativity is destructive.  Heal, be strong, be confident, KNOW that you have the strength & ability within you to get through ANYTHING!  IT WILL GET BETTER!!  May take some time but it will get better.  Hang in there all of you - truth, honesty, all that is good in this world is on our side!!!  We were once lost, but now we are found & happiness, peace, & serenity aren't far behind our healing!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<    

I am so happy for your lightbulb moment.  We who have our feet firmly planted on the road of recovery have all had them.  There may be more in your future.  Tears are cleansing & it sounds like yours have washed away much of your old ways of thinking.  Ironic that I posted my long observation just after your post.  Were we on the same wave-length?  Maybe just on the same recovery road - been there.  I have had my own "divine moments of intervention" & completely understand.  Whether we believe in God or just a universal force that is larger than ourselves, I do believe that we are blessed to be able to finally SEE THE TRUTH of it all.  Once "enlightened", we will never be the same again but that's a good thing.  We suffered in our darkness long enough.  

 

I believe in being who we were meant to be - not necessarily being like the "enemy" - just fighting for ourselves now - our rights.  We are stronger now - empowered.  It doesn't necessarily mean that we  become heartless - we are merely jungle fighters that aren't afraid to fight any longer for what's right.  Nothing heartless about it.  We couldn't be completely heartless if we tried!  Isn't that how we got trapped in the first place? 

 

Don't lose yourself.  Don't lose your gentleness & compassion.  Just use it more wisely.  You have been gifted with the sight of truth.  You'll know what you need to do when you need to do it.  God be with you!  LS  >^.^< 

J & I are together for 2 years today!  We couldn't be happier if we tried. 

 

There IS life after abuse!!!   God Bless - LS  >^.^<

Dear Anita:  I haven't been able to spend much time on the board.  However, your current situation really upset me and I wanted you to know how much I respect you as a mom and a women.  You have been dealt more than lemons and you continue to make lemonade by the gallon.  Please know you are in my prayers and I'm sending you positive "energy" to support you for Friday.  Even though Z is a baby, you are showing him and modeling for him what "Mom" truly means.  He may not understand all aspects of the issue, but your behavior sends positive energy to him and makes him feel safe because you are there protecting him.  Please know how much I admire you and feel you and Z will definitely break the abuse cycle because his Mom cared enough to find the answers, courage to fight for herself and him and wisdom to accept help and support from strangers. Sending you a warm supportive hug.

 

Very Irish 

I don't know where to begin...it's been 25 years of constant mind games. I happen to be the eternal optimist...I think that's what kept me in this marriage for this long (the hope that things will get better), besides the fact that I believe that vows are not meant to be broken! I took a vow...I'm trying to honor it, but my goodness...most "normal" women would have left years and years ago! Is there something wrong with me that I have stayed in this abuse??

Here's the problem...this abuse is extremely stealth! It is very very hard to put your finger on it because it is all mental games for control and emotional abuse. To the world outside of our home he is the charmer, the wonderful guy, would do anything for you! And, he would do anything for anyone else, but NOT for his family. But at the same time he hates everyone and they are somehow the cause for why his life is like it is.

I guess I'll explain what I mean by giving a couple of examples. Just recently we went to my nephew and neices house for a visit. Oh my...my husband was the epidemy of greatness! He helped with the dishes, even came over and helped me walk across the room (actually held me like he was my crutch). See, I recently had foot surgery and am in a walking boot with crutches right now. Anyway, then we go to leave and I'm sitting on the floor of the back section of our truck (see the cab only has jumper seats in the back, but I had to leave my foot propped up and straight out, so I was sitting on the floor). Well, after a while I realized that this was a very uncomfortable position and took up most of the room so that there wasn't much room left for my dog (a labrador retriever - 54 lbs). So, I waited til we came to a gas station and while he was pumping gas I was going to readjust myself into a better position, but I realized that I couldn't reach the door handle and would have to have my husband open the door for me and help me out. So, as soon as he opens the door I asked if he would go around and open the door to help me. He hopped in and said, let's get out of the gas station and go to the parking lot (Costco). I thought that was reasonable...so I said sure. We get to the parking lot and we just sit there, so I ask him again...will you open the door for me? At this point he won't open the door but thinks that I ought to just stay like I am...so finally I get him to open the door (from inside the vehicle) but he still won't get out and come around and help me. So I get out myself, do all the adjusting I need while he sits "pouting" in the front seat because I wouldn't stay in my uncomfortable position. Then I find out later that the reason he wouldn't help me is that I didn't share all the details of what I was trying to do with him up front. So, I'm riding in the back, still very uncomfortable and I ask him to please put the air conditioning on. It's getting hot and my hair is blowing wildly in my face. He says, it's either Starbucks or Airconditioning...it's not like he can't afford the extra $10.00 it might cost to run the ac so that his family can have some comfort...he's a Col in the AF! So, I rode for 4 hours in a very uncomfortable state...by the time we got home I was so mad, I no longer wanted Starbucks, especially not with him.

This may seem minor, but this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME!! It's his way or the highway constantly! We don't ever have normal conversations...he is always trying to get me to see everything his way, trying to change me into his ideal version of me, or trying to teach me or the rest of the family a lesson. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I think I'm the crazy one because he'll come into the room and totally turn our conversation into a crazy-making conversation. He comes in to talk to me and suddenly, out of the blue, starts blaming all the dysfunction in our family on the fact that I homeschooled the kids. He has been disconnected from his family for most of their lives...he works and works and works...work is his life, when he's not working, he's home working on work. He's not a mentor or a leader for the kids, rather he demands and throws subtle insults when everyone doesn't hop to and do things exactly how he wants them. The dysfunction couldn't possibly be from his being an absentee husband and father! I have been married to the man for 25 years and I have never once seen inside his heart...he has kept me at arms distance for 25 years. I am learning that this is very Narcisstic behavior and learning how to not own his behavior. So, this morning when he started trying to blame all of life on me, I immediately said, "No, you have to own some of this too....what about when you've been so disconnected from our family that you wouldn't even talk to us" (if he doesn't get his way, he punishes us all by giving us the silent-treatment for 3+ days)....blah, blah, blah. So, now he's back in his silent, pouty mode...not talking to us and doing his own thing. He just left to run errands and won't be back for the next 2 or 3 hours....or so that's what he says.

HELP!! I want out, I really don't think I can handle this anymore!!

I have recently ordered the book "Malignant Self-Love" which is all about Narcissm. I really think that this is what he suffers from and I am trying to learn as much as I can about it so that I know how to cope with him. But, I almost think it's too late, I don't know if this can be mended. I'm afraid that if I stay with him that I will end up in an insane assylum. It almost seems like this is his intent to drive me crazy!! It's almost like he has no capacity for emotions or for compassion for people. He either missed that gene or was stunted in the growth of emotions and compassion.

Can you offer any insight into this. Does this behavior ring any bells for you? I probably gave you a very poor example...there are plenty of worse ones, I'm just sooo tired of dealing with it that I can't really think right now. 

Wildwood:  I have followed your story for some time and quite frankly I don't know how you stood the dysfunctional behavior as long as you have.  Your husband is a very sick man and you had the misfortune of getting hooked up with him.  Your trump card will be living a healthy life in spite of him.

 

I want to send some validation your way.  You must have more faith in yourself and your girls.  The apple does not fall too far from the tree.  You have been an excellent example for them in the sense you have supported them, cared for them and been emotionally available for them for many years.  It may appear your husband has lured them into his camp but I believe he has a false sense of security.  Once he starts his controlling behavior with them - they will have their own light bulb moment and reflect on all the incidents they witnessed with him controlling you.  Take a huge breath of air and sit back and watch him do himself in - because he will.  He has so much practice and I doubt he knows anything different.

 

Its time for you to get some serenity back into your life and your youngest daughter.  Life is too short!  You may not have had a great mother's day this year but you will in the future.  You and your girls can put all of this negative behavior behind you.  Start planning next year's mother's day - make a reservation - plan it ahead and then you can get out of Dodge before Mr. Wonderful can ruin it.  Make a plan!!!

 

You are a great mom and you deserve so much more.  Keep coming to the board and get the support you need.  Do not go to an empty well for water - meaning don't look for support where there is none.  We care and we do understand what you are going through.

 

Peace,

 

Very Irish

Oh my....I think this is exactly where I'm at. We are still together....I came back to him after 3 years seperation so that the kids could find healing. Ironically, they are finding healing in realizing that they don't need their father to make it in life. I am now trying to find myself again.

The thing I'm struggling with in all of this is that it feels sooo dishonest to me and then I end up confused because I feel like I'm becoming him by not telling him things, by not sharing, by withholding information concerning my emotions. Actually, I've become rather cold....ironically, it doesn't even seem to bother him. Weird!!

Thank you for this....I'm going to print it and read it again!
Kiarababe

(Sorry...I'm new here and I don't know how to reply with just a portion of your post quoted...)

There was no message in this post....should there have been??