Topic : Abuse

Thank you so much for your response.  It is nice to find kindred spirits out there.  I feel much more positive now that I have found a place where everyone understands what I am thinking and feeling.  Where people understand that saying "Why don't you just leave?" is not as simple or easy as it sounds.  Where people understand that leaving is a process, not a single action.  I am so amazed at the warmth and acceptance from the wonderful people on this board.  I will pick up "Self Matters" and add it to my reading list.  I think I need to read it.  The person I was before him would have never put up with abuse.  I am so confused and perplexed by how I allowed it to happen.  I get furious with myself for becoming so weak.  I really don't like me anymore.

To answer some of your questions, yes, I have a place to go and yes, I have been planning my escape for the past while.  I have separated all finances and I have put all my paperwork together.  I have been distancing myself from his family, which is really hard because they are good people and do love me as I love them.  They will understand when I leave.  Some of his violence happened in the presence of his mother and her family.  His mother was heartbroken by his actions and kept apologizing to me for his actions.  On the other hand, I sometimes think they want me to stay with him so they don't have to deal with him again. 

Yes, I have conflicting emotions as well.  I am not looking forward to giving up my home and splitting up possessions.  I would be moving back in with my mother (Dad passed away a few years back), which will be difficult because I have come to like my alone time and my own space.  Like all mothers, Mom still treats me like her little girl and frankly it drives me nuts sometimes.  (I am toying with the idea of building a small cottage next to my mother.)  In the guise of spring cleaning, I have been separating our stuff and organizing my stuff so it will be easy to move when I leave.  I have been taking some of my things to my parent's house to put into storage.  At least this way I feel like I am taking baby steps forward, regardless of whether I leave now or in the future.  I know in my heart I will leave, it is only a matter of time. I just need to get the courage and strength to do it.

The one thing I am dreading the most is his over-emotional reaction.  He pulls out all the stops, hysterical crying, begging, pleading, you name it.  He can go on  and on for days.  He is incessant.  That is one of the biggest things that keeps me stuck.  That is why I have given in and stayed so many times. 

Yes, I am a worry-wart and I do put a lot of energy into worrying about him.  I just feel so obligated. I need to stop this!!

Am I a train wreck or what?

Thank you again.  I pray that my journey for understanding and strength will also help someone else out there who might be reading the boards and is still afraid to post as I was for so long.  God bless you!

Something interesting I found and wanted to share.

http://www.wordsbykim.com/contents/Why-They-Hurt-The-Ones-They-Love.html

Why They Hurt The Ones They Love

Why does someone repeatedly hurt someone they claim to love?  How is it possible for someone to break bones and even kill their partner and still believe they love them?  This article tries to shed some light on these questions.

Most articles about family violence and abusive relationships focus on educating the targets of violence and abuse about such relationships.  In this article I want to focus more on the person performing family violence and on something that has become apparent to me about these relationships.

Research has shown one of the main reasons why people put up with abuse in their relationships is pity.  The person who is being abused often feels sorry for the person who is abusing them and this can be hard for others to understand.

During my work with abusive partners one thing has struck me over and over again and that is how weak and vulnerable abusive people often are underneath all their abusive behaviour.

The following diagram is an attempt to illustrate the world of an abusive person.

Sometimes these people seem to lack a core or "self" of their own so they place their partner in that central position.  This leaves them utterly at the mercy of that person so they feel acutely vulnerable.  To offset this they behave in ways designed to gain absolute control over the person who now occupies centre stage in their sense of who they are.

They surround, or attempt to surround, that person with themselves and they try to keep everyone, and everything, else away from their "core" for fear of losing it.

The problem with a relationship like this is that the person will feel threatened by anything they do not feel in control of.  If their "core" tries to have a life of "its" own they feel threatened.  I am using the term it because people tend to dehumanise the target of their violence.

Their insecure position surrounding empty space means they cannot tolerate their "core" loving any other person.  Not even friends or family.  They reject their partners right to be themselves because, in their mind, that person is no longer a seperate person.  They are as much a part of them as their arm or leg and they need as much control over that person as they have over their own limbs.

Abusive people inspire pity because, when they are at risk of losing their partner, their panic and pain is massive.  This is because, for them, they are literally in danger of losing themselves and their whole world starts to fall apart.

When you realise this about an abusive person you can understand how it is possible for them to say their partner is their whole world yet they treat them worse than they would treat their worst enemy.  It is, in fact, true that their partner is their whole world but the operative word here is theirs!  They constantly hurt the person they claim to love so much because they are constantly trying to stop that person from being seperate, in any way, from them.

The more entrenched an abusive person's partner becomes in their "core" the more control they need over that person.  They begin trying to control every part of the other person's life up to, and including, their mind.  They often try to replace the thoughts and feelings of their partner by, in a sense, brainwashing them.  They will repeatedly tell their partner they are lying about what they say they think or feel.  They persistently insist their beliefs about what their partner is thinking or feeling are all that matter because they are the truth.

The abuser seems to develop a kind of split personality perspective about their partner.  Their partner becomes their "core" but they are also their enemy.  The partner is an essential part of them but constantly threatens their well being through attempts to be an individual.  Anything the partner does that is outside the control of the abuser becomes the work of an enemy who is trying to destroy them.  The partner becomes both the source of their well being and the source of their fears.

The following diagram illustrates both what the abusive person is afraid of and what their lives actually become like if they lose their "core".

They become empty, hollow, and desolate.  This arouses panic, anger, rage and they will move heaven and earth to get their "core" back.  They feel entitled to have it back - it belongs to them as surely as their arms and legs belong to them.  They will say and do whatever it takes to get it back.

They are not lying to their partner because, in their minds, they are telling the truth.  They really will do whatever they have to do to get their core self back but, because their partner does not really exist, the abuser quickly goes back to trying to control the enemy within as soon as things settle down.  He or she is not able to see the partner as anything other than a part of them so any attempt the partner makes to be a real person in their own right is viewed as traiterous and threatening.  This is why the victim of abuse often feels their partner views them, and treats them, like their worst enemy rather than their cherished partner.

The complete collapse, the desolation, the distress of an abuser who is losing his "core" is heart wrenching to see.  This arouses intense pity in the abused partner and they will try again to make the relationship work.  They cannot understand how it is possible to love the way their abusive partner clearly loves them without changing.  They can see how much they mean to their partner and this makes them believe that, one day, their partner will change to avoid losing them for good.

They are wrong.  Their partner will simply put more and more strategies into place to try and keep them under control because that's what you do when someone is out to take what is yours - you fight them.

Sooner or later, however, the person who is being denied their right to be a person will find it just too painful to bear any longer.  Their faith in the power of love to overcome abuse will die and they will start to feel more pity for themselves than they do for their partner.  When that happens they will leave.

If these diagrams ring true for you, or seem to be an accurate portrayal of your partner, you are in a toxic relationship.  The only way out is to create a real self capable of existing without the substitute "core".

Some people aim for learning to exist with the empty space but this is not living!

Replacing the hollow space inside you with a sense of yourself as a whole person in your own right is better.  Learning to be complete without someone else to take the place as your core is the only cure for being a toxic person in any relationship.

If your world looks like one of the above diagrams have a look at the following diagram.  I have explained this diagram in the Mental Health Safety Net article elsewhere on this site but this is how your world could look.

You may be able to reach this goal without any help but you will get there a lot faster if you do seek help.  Counsellors are trained to help people make these kinds of changes so I would encourage you to seek one you feel comfortable with.

A lot of people worry about seeking help for abusive behaviour.  They fear what the counsellor will think of them.  I can't speak for all the counsellors in the world but I'm pretty certain there are few, if any, who would not admire any abusive person who seeks help to change.

It takes intelligence to recognise what you are doing is wrong.  It takes massive amounts of courage to commit to trying to change yourself.  Any counsellor with any experience is well aware of what a hard thing it is to do and will admire anyone who is genuinely willing to do it.

Living on the good-will of someone who pities you because, without them, you are nothing is no way to live.  You are someone.  Make an appointment with a therapist and go find out who you really are underneath the hollow exterior soon.

Do it for you!

Thank you so much for posting the piece and diagrams on "Why They Hurt the Ones They Love."  It's an excellent explanation of something very difficult to articulate.

Many victims get stuck because the abuser confuses them with their profession of love and then abuses them.  The victim then loads themselves with guilt because they don't "feel loved" because the abuser keeps them off balance.  One day affection and praise, next day anger and abuse.....like Pleasance says....and so it goes.  I believe the trick is to focus on yourself and how you feel and disregard what the abuser tells you.  Once you learn to sort everything out - you can begin to assess what is really going on and what direction you need to follow.

Unfortunately, many abusers can be much more dangerous and abusive than their partners want to believe or accept.  It's a very dangerous path...one not to be treated lightly.  It's another trap the abuser can put you in before you even see it coming.  That is why every victim must educate themselves about abuse and then use every avenue of support, legal and otherwise to assist them to remove themselves from the situation.  If you understand your abuser is going to use deception in every situation (good or bad) than you can stop yourself before you fall into the trap, believing what he says just because he says it.  Your understanding of the dynamics of abuse could literally save your life.

Wishing everyone a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend.

Very Irish

Your partner's reactions...

    Abusers/Batterers need to be in control at all cost, yet underneath the facade of power he is very dependent.

When the object of his dependency threatens to pull away from him, all his old baggage, tactics get stirred up.

    Your threats to leave, or attempts to leave him are liable to be met with significant resistance.

Feeling threatened he may exhibit behavior you have never seen before. (then again, maybe not, maybe you have)

    The more prepared you are for your abuser's reactions, the more likely you will be able to handle the 

guilty feelings and the fears that his reactions, behavior are liable to cause. 

HE MAY BECOME PATHETIC

HE MAY BECOME SELF-DESTRUCTIVE

HE MAY BECOME THREATENING

DO NOT PLAY VICTIM and leave important decisions to your abuser because you feel guilty about leaving him.  Remember he's a bully. You will be better prepared  if you know your legal rights.

If you feel threatened, or your partner threatens you  or your children with physical violence ...  Err on the side of caution and find a safe place to stay until the legal aspects of your separation are settled.

Separation is  an ultimate stress test for abusers.

I CANNOT STATE THIS STRONGLY ENOUGH... A MAN WHO HAS NEVER BEEN VIOLENT BEFORE MAY GET VIOLENT AT THIS POINT.

Madness for Two

The abusive relationship is not satisfying to either the abuser or his partner.

However, as has been demonstrated over and over again, it is the woman who suffers most.

The enormous power imbalance between them...which is so harmful to her, keeps both her and her partner locked together in a "madness for two."

Memorial Day originally called Decoration Day is a day of remembrance of those who have died in our nation's service.

The Memorial in Memorial Day has been ignored by too many who have been the beneficiaries of those who have given the ultimate sacrifice.  

Often the day is not observed as it should be,  actively remembering those who have given that sacrifice:

• by visiting cemeteries and placing flags or flowers on the graves of our fallen heroes.
• by visiting memorials
• by flying the U.S.Flag at half-staff until noon.
• by flying the POW/MIA Flag as well.
• by participating in a National Moment of Remembrance at 3:00pm to pause and think upon the true meaning of the day, and for Taps to be played.
• by renewing a pledge to aid widows, widowers, and orphans of our fallen dead and to aid the disabled veterans.

My gift this weekend.

Wishing you a safe, peaceful & sunshine filled weekend.

If you'd like ... pick yourself up a Music CD by Natasha Bedingfield

I think her song  "Pocketful Of Sunshine" will  lift you up and keep your spirits soaring.

Memorial Day Weekend is the beginning of many warm weather weekends.

Warm weather also brings with it a rise in Domestic Abuse calls and problems.

If you need assistance .... call 911.

If you would like to talk to someone, call your local abuse hot-line. #'s in the front of your local phone directory.

If you would like the national domestic abuse/violence hot-line

1-800-799-SAFE

Take care all.

I care.

Pleasance

(music cuing)

I gotta pocket, a pocketful of sunshine. Oh.

Take me away, a secret place ...