Topic : Abuse

 

I don't remember for sure, but I may have said that I prefer to put the abuse out of my head....that is what I think I used to do before I realized that he was abusive....then I started trying to stay within myself, to see what he does, but sometimes observing and standing up for myself can be exausting, so at times it is easier to 'snap out of myself'.  I realize that this is not good, so I  try to observe  and post confusing situations here for feedback.

 

Your assesment of the 'fork in the road' seems pretty accurate.  Sometimes I think my unwillingness to move even baffles my counselor, although she says that it will just take time, and told me that it takes a woman in this situation an average of 5-7 years to leave. 

 

And really, over the last several months, he has improved in many many ways, which I realize may be just that he has learned how to 'act'.   The snaps back into his previous, controlling attitude  because of work stressover the last couple of weeks shows me that he still has the same core.   But because day to day living is much more bearable than it was before, and because I realize that he will become a beast if I were to try to leave, it is easier at this point to just remain in the situation, and hope, as Q often says, that "if I give him enough rope he will hang himself". 

 

I do appreciate your comments, P.  I need to hear them, though I worry that I infuriate you and others with my lack of reaction.  But I hear them, and I read many books on the subject and try to make honest and accurate comparisons and assesments with the information.

 

 

 

 

...this article seems accurate in many ways.  I can safely say that part of my situation is that I do pity him.  I did from the day I met him, and that was before I knew about the abuse he endured as a child.   The describpion of the abuser cotrolling to preserve 'part of them' really fits.

 I hate him. He drills my kids for information about where I go and who I talk to, he "reminds" me often that he "just doesn't know how he will react if he sees me with another man even if it is just a friend." Which in turn makes me afraid because I do have male friends, no new ones just the same ones I have had for years, the same ones he always insisted I was sleeping with which of course I was not.  He is insidious. It has been 8 months the divorce is almost final and he still is lurking letting he presence be known still making me afraid and I hate him.  Why won't he just give up? What can I do to stop being afraid? How do I know he will not attack some innocent man, possibly a client from work I am talking to on the street. This is ridiculous. I HATE HIM!!!

I hear your frustration and unfortunately you are dealing with someone who is like a time bomb, you never know when he is going to go off or for what reason.  It's his reaction to his loss of control over you.  Now he is using intimidation and its working.  I think you should take everything he says seriously and try to avoid any confrontation.   

 

Have you discussed this problem with your attorney?  I don't know what state you live in but perhaps you could address his stalking issue with the police.  Maybe your attorney could incorporate the stalking issue within the terms of the divorce.  Instead of his picking up the children at your place, you could designate a public spot - you could always have someone with you who could record any threats and be a witness. 

 

I really don't have any concrete answers for you.  Hopefully, once the divorce is final things may change.  In the meantime, you need some type of protection in case he doesn't let go and continues to harass you.

 

I'm sorry you have to live like this.  You worked so hard to get out.  Hang in there - you are almost at the end legally.  I pray he finds someone new and turns away from you and the emotional attachment he has.

 

Peace and Hugs

Very Irish  

Irish is right. Hang in there and dont let him get to you. It takes time. Remember how long youwere

intimidated and abused? It will take awhile for you to stop being afraid. Its a long journey for sure.

but if you need the courts to stop him then do it. Whatever it takes do it. Stop the bully.

Okay; Mine didnt give up for two years or so. I kept going and I never let my guard down. Whatever it took I did. Whether it was get the courts involved or move or hide or whatever. I kept moving and going until

one day he gave up. He got a new victim. You might feel bad when your ex gets a new victim. It will sting but know this they dont change. I have come to know through the grapevine and my own sources that

my ex didnt change  but he changed victims. Him and I now have a different relationship. Its civil and that is it. We even talk but I am no longer a victim and he knows it. He knows I will put a stop to him if he does anything or tries anything. Also; You wont be able to save the new victim or the ex. Keep saving yourself one day at a time and dont look back.Irish is also right about the divorce. Once that goes through he might back off. My theory is that now he will realize you are no longer his property and you are serious and he needs to find another piece of property. You are doing well. With a Hug

 A poster, in the mess, like a lot of us, in preparing physically and mentally to leave recently said if she gave the abusive  spouse? enough rope he may hang himself.

 

  It is not my intent to give you more than you can handle right now, but I felt duty bound to point out the "fault" in your thinking regarding him hanging himself, NOT.  One thing about abusers is their cagey denial to self and other is such that amazingly THEY, never really suffer the FULL consequences of their actions, remember they have no internal thought process that assigns ANY fault to self.  They totally lack responsibility emotionally or otherwise for their own actions.

 

   The truth of it is is the longer you stay, for whatever reason (and believe me I know them all, and can't really talk in all honesty as my former emotional abuser, lies, is still paying the bills even though we don't live together.  The longer YOU stay, more than likely the tighter the "rope" around your own neck will get.

 

   This is usually the case, if there are children involved the longer you stay the longer they too live with the consequences of abuse (emotional or physical) .   Trust me NONE of this is good for children of any age.  Nor for you, should it possibly "go over the childrens heads" to any degree.   Children can sense anger, sadness, untruthfullness, and all the extra negatives that go with living in a dysfunctional (due to abuse or lack of honesty) home.   I know you are dealing with alot right now, and one of those things is the GUILT we assign selves.  Not that we really deserve any, BUT we all feel it right up to the very end.  Guilt for not being able to "fix' the abuser, ourselves, our childrens lives, and on and on.   Stop the guilt, and do not let HIM or your own thoughts GUILT you.  Guilt is a VERY powerful manipulative tool, whether He is trying to use it, or YOU are inadvertantly using it on yourself.

 

  He is DAMAGED, and none of that is your fault............you do however have to take care of self, including fighting with yourself to not go to the GUILT merry-go-round, trust me you will be amazed at how "light" you feel even with all the NEW worries of getting away and going it alone.  It is VERY freeing to not carry their "stuff" and labels and guilt trip around everywhere you go.   You need time to have peace, and to start to heal from a bad experience. The longer you wait, though I agree each woman has to do it when it is right for her, the more the rope will tighten around YOUR neck, trust me on that one.

 

  A clean break is the best, as so much of what abusers do is manipulative entrapment, and guilt tripping everyone BUT themselves.

 

  Take care.

Just wondering who that post was referring to?

 

I know that saying was mentioned a couple of times in my threads, but I don't think you're referring to me...Just curious.

  As part of our terms of seperation (not legal but self controlled) we went and saw a professional counselor mediator.  She did not stop the clock after the first hour (150.00 an hour) nor did she say "our time is up for the day, do you want to continue?" or otherwise note that an hour had passed.  I wasn't setting facing her clock, and true to my own "stuff" did NOT realize we had talked past an hour, as she kept asking questions, and acting so "concerned" and attempting to help us.  Seveal times I tried to bring her back to talking MONEY, and how that would be divided and work out.............(husband insisted he would ONLY take 500.00, clearly not enough to rent a place and pay ANY of his seperate household bills).  We both questioned this repeatedly as not being realistic. 

 

  I figured there had to be a catch, or this too was somehow dishonest and manipulative, though quietly I rejoiced that he was going to leave the bullk of the money (and responsibility) with me. I also had the minor child in my care, though two of the oldest 20-28 went with him.   I mean over and over we both pointed out how this was NOT realistic, realizing I was "cutting my own throat" in doing so.  He insisted it was enough.  I also remember stating the unrealisticness of this amount made me question if he had "other sources" of income (savings, something he lied about, or the use of the older girls savings to move out money), I stated such hoping to get him to "confess" to something that would justify his needing such a small amount, in compairison to what was available or more "fair" or equal. 

 

  He insisted that was going to be his ONLY source of income and all he would ask for.  Ok, so we (me and the mediator) are still shaking our heads at his "stubborness" but we finalized the deal.  Realizing in our state there is no legal seperation, this was only a "pact" between parties with a witness.

 

  I went to pay and she told me the bill was really 700.00 but she was only going to charge 375.00!!!!!  I was flabbergasted that she would "take advantage" and the tell us we got a bargin.  Truthfully we did, but watch out, they (counselors, mediatiors and the like) do NOT warn you of the amount of time passing beyond that which you made an appointment for. That was the first rip off, though she could have charged the FULL amount per time spent with us, and two I found out two weeks later that prior to making this appointment my dishonest husband did indeed take out a 900.00 loan (I am responsible too) and failed to mention it to me after NUMEROUS inquiries prior to at and after our mediator meeting.   I found out from the bank statement, so the reality?  We paid someone 375.00 to "help" us negotiate an agreement only to have both manipulate the "truth" .

 

 So, being short this month with all his expenses to set up another home (away from me, yipee) and paying this counselor/mediator we came up short, and yep the pool pump broke and he came over (I did not ask him to) and blamed the shortage on the counselor!!!
"

  Camel, I don't think it was your post, to be honest I have had a terrible time getting anything to post, it keeps taking me to every page but the one you type a reply on and over and over I have to put in my user name and password, so I just posted a message to address this that I had read, and did not use reply with a quote.  I don't think it was you either, and I addressed this out of concern, cause I remember "hoping" that something would be a lightbulb moment for my spouse to change.  You know, like we all have, but abusers don't.  It is dangerous to get stuck in hope that they will entrap themselves and SEE what THEY are doing.  That was the point of my post.  I did that for years, only to be irreparibly hurt by the turning of my own adult children against me. ( I finally resorted to utter and complete non compliance with the abuse or lies to do so, and so I looked "guilty" when in reality I was reacting to the injury, lies, hurt and manipulations.  The moral  I hung myself with the rope provided by him.  I saw it too late, and waited too late to call a spade a spade and ACT in my own best interest. 

 

  Happy to say some things (damaged relationships with my girls in healing, but I would have preferred to not have had to go there, misguided "hope" for change HUNG me, or durn near.  That was my point.

  Woe is me, I am feeling da ja vu and feeling abused by this board, I keep typing relies or adding to my own posts, only to have it "go in one ear" typing like my talking and never come out,  as motivation for changed actions (by spouse) .  Reminds me so of dealing with my husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

  There was a moral to that post.

 

  It was to illustrate how my husband STILL blames a everyone but himself for the current state (seperated) of things, and how He is still dishonest, irregardless of the consequences, even to go so far as to PAY someone to help us and for him to STILL withhold the relevant TRUTHFUL information that is required.  NOT HIS FAULT? He is the one LYING still, and still lying to self about his lies. DUH.  I forgot to add that to the story.