Topic : Abuse

Now this is weird I am angry with my H angry with what he has put me and my children through all these years now this is quite normal yes.

The totally irrational anger i have at the moment is that he should go off with someone else  You know i have no interest in him anymore my anger is "how dare he after what he has done to us!" Yep and "How dare he find happiness after all that". My rational part says "Yeah but will he be happy in another relationship? and now you know and understand you can be happy".

I know he will find someone else i know I'll be made out to be the bad guy but his torment will carry on and i have the power to stop it.

Does anyone else have these angry feelings of :"how dare he after what he has done to us!" & "How dare he find happiness after all that he has done

Best Wishes

WBxx".

OMG - you haven't LOST anything!  The person you once were is right there inside of you.  She's ALWAYS BEEN THERE - locked away in a dungeon of the deepest recesses of your soul!!!  It's time to open the door to freedom for her!  You ARE the strong person you once were.  Your self-esteem & self-confidence has been eroded from YEARS of abuse, control, criticism, name calling - YOU MENTION IT! 

YOU ARE GETTING IT NOW!!  Find her & set her free!  FEEL the strength you once had return to you!  I am SO glad you are seeing it all now. 

YES you are angry.  HOW DARE HE!  I should have added that line to the other post I wrote today about anger.  THAT'S THE SPIRIT!!!  He had NO right to do to you or anyone what he did.  Feel the anger & move on.  After feeling angry with my X is when I got angry with myself for abandoning myself for so long. 

I made myself a promise that day to NEVER abandon myself again.  I remember that day perfectly.  I was so angry all day.  By the end of the day I forgave.  Forgave him (holding onto the hatred & resentments would only hurt ME so I knew I had to let that go - not for HIS sake but for MINE!!!).  Then I forgave myself.  I am human & not perfect.  I did what I knew how to do with what little information I had on abuse (which was NONE).  When I learned & knew better, I DID better & made better choices.  That is what counts.  Hanging on to old resentments & hatred would only scar the beautiful, peaceful future & wanted for myself so I let it all go.  Think about it.  Resentments & a hateful attitude don't go well with peace & serenity.  So I prefer to NEVER let negativity take hold of me.  I have been through enough - I refuse to surrender to being dragged down by negativity & my past. 

Now that you have learned so much, you will be able to recognize abuse if it comes up in your life again.  VERY important for you.  You know too much now to ever become a victim again. 

I am SO very proud of you!  It's a wonderful moment for me to be able to hear about another victim of abuse turning their lives around, learning how abuse isn't personal - it's just a game that we were victimized by & when you stop playing that game, it stops!!!  Sad but true.  Our abusers aren't capable of the deep love & respect that WE feel.  They will never know what a normal, functioning relationship is.  We truly are the lucky ones! 

You know, he probably will find someone else to be with.  Happiness?  I doubt it.  He will continue being "right" & everyone else will be wrong.  He will never get it.  My X is miserable & has another dysfunctional relationship with the girlfriend he cheated on me with.  He tells my kids that he is losing his mind & doesn't want to live anymore.  He lost everything but it's not HIS fault.  Oh no.  We would have been fine if I wasn't "so sensitive".  That's his excuse.  I don't care.  I am free & at peace & don't have to be yelled at for buying hot dog rolls,  called names, or being told how worthless I am!!!  He may not be a monster but he for certain is a lost soul - sad - but NOT MY PROBLEM.  WE CAN'T FIX THEM!  We can barely fix ourselves!  THEY have the same resources that we have.  WE have to find OUR way - & so do they.  If they don't - IT'S ON THEM.  Feel sorry for them if you must but don't ever let them control how you think about yourself again! 

Delete all the things he ever told you - ALL LIES - told only to make you easier to control.  It's hard to wipe that slate clean but you must.  Start over & write all new & wonderful things on that slate!  You are a wonderful, NORMAL, gentle, loving, strong, individual - you always were & still are!  You are blessed!!! God Bless - LS  >^.^<   

My sweetie just came home so I ran out of time.  I"ll catch up with you in the morning.  Glad you had another lightbulb moment - isnt' it great!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

It's all part of the process of healing. Re-read LS's post about blaming yourself. It's just as much your fault as it is his. He was right in his conversation with you about abuse-  only he was talking about abusive men and you were talking about "normal" men. Accepting the blame that you should have stopped it right from the get go is healing. Accept the fact that you didn't know any better because of your situation and background. A quote that I read somewhere says:

                                   I DID WHAT I KNEW HOW TO DO

                                   AND WHEN I KNEW BETTER,

                                   I DID BETTER!

There will come a point in which you will let go of your angry feelings and none of those things that you are making yourself sick about will even matter to you anymore. That's why Dr Phil says that you aren't ready for a divorce until you can walk out the door feeling nothing. Sorry if this offends you in any way, I'm just trying to help with what little I have learned.

~Good Grl

LS's post was not about blaming yourself -it was about  forgiveness. I don't want you to take it the wrong way. Sorry.

~Good Grl

I haven't posted in a while, but I read everybody messages very often. I can't tell much about me, because I think my H is checking my computer and I don't want him to realize I am posting, but I think some of you remember me. Just want to let you know that after my atempt to leave him, he is the sweetest husband and father...But this doesn't impress me, as it did in the past, when even the slightest change in better made me raise my hopes again. I am incapable of feeling anything for him again. My love for him and my hopes for a happy life with him are long gone. But what do you do when he is so nice and makes so great efforts to be good? And I feel sick when he touches me. What do you do? You wait for him to get tired of making these efforts?  Why is so hard to go ahead with the separation plans when he is so nice? This is not the person I lived for so long and that's why I am not confused anymore, as I would be in the past. I know what I want, but it feels harder then ever. Why?

God bless you all!

JS

Hi,

  I am not offended in the slightest sometimes it's hard to admit one is a victim that's real hard but in my own opinion if i don't I'll never heal or move on....

My mother was in complete denial the whole of my childhood of my father's physical,emotional, verbal abuse and even when he(my father) beat her black and blue and she couldn't walk for weeks she still denied it.  She even denied he was an alcoholic.

She is remarried and when i told my stepfather about him she still denied it and called me a liar.....so i learned quite a bit about the denial and abuse from her...

But I still went into denial myself  i suppose because i really loved my H once upon a time when he charmed me....

Little did i know i was falling for a sex addict with massive problems and for that your quote is so so true 

           I DID WHAT I KNEW HOW TO DO

          AND WHEN I KNEW BETTER,

          I DID BETTER!

Is it any wonder i would fall for his charms and promises.... i knew no better.

As i am getting to know more about abuse and victims  i will do better i did when i knew better about my parents i did do better!.

...

I divorced myself from my parents a long time ago i was ready to because i felt absolutely nothing not a shred of remorse not a tear was spilled (on my  part anyway) when i cut all contact with them.

 They cried oh boy did they cry and threatened to kill me if i left with my children  they threatened to take my children away from me you name it they threatened it!

tried to carry out their threats but i just kept on confronting them with the truth about my sexual abuse and all the other abuse that was inflicted on me ....

I managed to walk because I  realized i had to accept blame, let go of my anger and just pity-ed them and forgive them .Now they are but distant memory...I had that experience i feel absolutely nothing now

 Dr Phil makes people face up to the facts (quite rightly so)  when he says you aren't ready for divorce until you can walk out the door feeling nothing.....Yes i got my light bulb moment with that one

So now with a heavy heart  I have to do it all over again with Him this time i am finding it harder ......of course.

Yep i can see the comparisons to my childhood and my marriage.. yep i married my father ... yep i became my mother at one point....

No way have you offended me i have to say thank you to you for waking me up from my robotic  sleep state..

You have reminded me Thank you ....

Reminded me of stuff i did years ago when i was dealing and healing from my childhood abuse when i went into blame frame, guilt remorse doubt anger the list goes on.....You have reminded me what i am going through is healing.... How could i be offended? I thank you , you are a wonderful person for waking me up.

God bless you

WGxx

Hi LS,

    OMG She has been locked in a dungeon i just needed to find the key.

I needed to find out how to open the door and your wonderful inspiring messages of support are enabling me to do that.... find the key ....and open the door....I am feeling the strength little by little...Thank you!

As i said in my other message I forgot about how to heal and the process of healing.

After i dealt with my childhood abuse... i unfortunately reverted back with his abuse i played the game yet again but this time slightly differently...

When i was a child i had no idea what was going on it just happened and became a way of life it was 'normal'  ..........

 Then i one day i woke up and realized it was not normal and a game of control, manipulation , victimization for their own pleasure and addiction.

i managed to heal and go through the healing process ...

i went through anger guilt resentment fear you name it i did it but i did it and i survived and became a much stronger person... a better person.....I have just forgotten.

I stopped playing their game and yes it stopped.

Now i played his game and i have to do the whole thing again and it is more difficult this time because i loved him once upon a time and i have children with him....there is more of a bond.....

I

 will find her again and be an even better person than i have ever been before but i have go through all the healing first before i get there ( a long hard road)...

Your messages and support this forum and website all the wonderful people on this message board  will enable me to get there and help others who are in need.....something i did not have the first time around.

You also are a wonderful, NORMAL, gentle, loving, strong, individual.

You too are truly blessed  and you can show and prove that there is light at the end of the tunnel Thank you!!

God bless

WGxx

Hi JS,

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you are feeling.  I can't really offer a lot in the way of advice but I can say that I understand EXACTLY what you are feeling because I feel the same way.  I am in the same spot as you are right now.  Hang in there and we will muddle our way through this. 

God bless,

Phoenix

So nice to see you again.  I suppose it's so hard to leave when they are being so good because there is still a glimmer of hope inside you.  Hope that MAYBE this time it will be different.  On top of that - it isn't easy starting over & at least for now, things are quiet.  So we put off the long journey to peace & happiness because we know it won't be easy. 

YOU KNOW, however, that it won't last.  He WILL tire of his new game.  NO ONE can NOT be who they really are for very long.  Unless he has been going to councelling, therapy, anger management classes, etc. NOTHING WILL REALLY CHANGE.  This is just the "honeymoon" stage of the cycle.  It'll end.  Don't feel badly about still being there.  You are doing the best you can with your situation.  It's all we can do.  Sometimes we just need that extra "push" - that explosion that confirms for us finally that things will never change.  It NEVER hurts to BE SURE about leaving.  It's a big decision & one that will affect the rest of your life. 

You aren't feeling any warm & fuzzy feelings for him because the wounds of the past are still too raw.  If he were to stay nice & gentle, eventually you would feel more comfortable - trust him again -  believe in him again - but itt is REDICULOUSLY HIGHLY UNLIKELY that he will change that much without any kind of outside help. You know that. 

Glad you are OK.  Hang in there.  Remember that the more you learn & know, the stronger you will be.  When you are ready, you will move on.  When you have learned your lessons - all of them - you will move on.  And we'll be here for you!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<