Topic : Abuse

True - maybe you won't feel exactly nothing.  There will be many emotions you will go through when separating yourself from the person you were so close to for so long.  Love for him won't be one of them.  You were in love with someone that didn't exist except in your own mind.  He is what he is.  We WANTED to believe that our H's were this wonderful person inside but it just wasn't true.  We were in denial for a long time about that.  Everytime they were in the honeymoon stage, we would think that THIS is the person he really is.  He was just angry - I provoked him - if only I weren't so stupid - he had a bad day - THE LIST GOES ON of excuses we told ourselves. 

 

It's VERY hard to detach - pull back - & REALLY SEE the person he really is - warts & all!!!  We SO wanted him to be this Prince Charming image we had of him in our minds.  I still think that somewhere in HIS dungeon my X is a good person but he just doesn't connect with that person anymore.  He is lost - completely lost within himself.  Sad part is that he may never find himself.  The connection to his inner good self is gone. 

 

In "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans she explains the differences of an abuser & a victim.  BOTH were abused as children (usually by a parent)  here is the difference -

 

The Victim grows up to be a victim because SOMEWHERE in her childhood abuse there was a person (usually the mother) that supported them & told them how wonderful they really were.  The abuser (usually the father) continues to abuse but the support also continues.  This sets up chaos in a victim's mind - a conflict.  I grew up with headaches since I was about 10.  When I healed from the abuse - the headaches magically disappeared!  IT WAS THAT CONFLICT I had going on in my mind all that time & I never knew it!  The conflict is that on 1 hand, we are being told that we are worthless.  On the other hand, we are being told of our good virtues.  Then the battle begins with who to believe.  We FEEL the good things inside of us but we are being told different.  We have this connection to all the God-given rights & feelings (inner power) but are being told they are all wrong.  And we go back & forth, up & down.   

 

The Abuser is also being abused BUT doesn't have ANYONE supporting them.  They learn the game & what actions will get them what they want.  They become disconnected from the inner God-given rights & feelings (inner power) at an early age & determine (wrongly) that the only power they can have is to power-over another person.  So it all begins for them.  They are told by everyone around them how to feel - what they should feel - so they disconnect from their inner person & feelings believing them to be wrong & no one is there to tell them different. 

 

Now WE can still find our connection to the inner person we really are!  The connection is never truly broken for us. That's the good news. 

 

We will never be able to undo the damage that has been done to the our abusers.  Although we try - oh do we try.  They will never get it because their inner power connection was disconnected.  They will never see it our way. They can't. 

 

Dr. Phil also said to leave no stone unturned when deciding whether to divorce.  When you feel you have done all you can, THEN there is nothing left to do but move on.  There will be sadness & a great sense of loss.  You will mourn for the death of your dreams - the death of your "Prince Charming" that you so wanted him to be.  You no longer are in denial about the real person you are with.  It hurts.  But the only "love" you will feel for him will be compassion for the person that was hurt beyond repair.  There is nothing you can do about that & trying will only hurt YOU.  Let go & let God.  God is the only one that can truly heal our abusers.  WE need to let go & stop trying.  We are doing him NO favors by staying & trying to "save" him.  WE are the victims - we can only hurt them further.  We have allowed the abuse to continue too long.  We will never be anything more than their victims to them.  They don't really love us.  They are not capable of real, unconditional love.  So letting go is really the only alternative for a victim. 

 

Like I said to WebGirl - FIND your inner self.  She has been with you all these years - locked away in the recesses of your mind.  BE that person again.  Find all the good qualities you once had - strength, compassion, gentleness, kindness, love, courage.  Then add all that you once were to the new wisdom you have now earned.  What an awesome person you will be!!!  BETTER than before even!  You will be the perfect blend of wonderful qualities AND wisdom!  ALL the good qualities are with you.  You ARE strong, compassionate, gentle, kind, loving, & courageous.  Now let all those good things grow inside you & flower in the new light that you have found!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<  

You DO offer a lot in all your posts.  Just you being there to listen means a lot.  We can't always help everyone.  Sometimes it's just something that we are not capable of doing.  But listening means so much.  It makes a person NOT feel so crazy. 

 

You will get through this.  It's a journey.  Take it slow & easy.  You're doing fine!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

Hi JS,

    I am new to the board thought I'd just say hi.

They are great charmers aren't they?.

I am not going through the 'Nice' phase at the moment. I'm going through the 'nasty' phase which in some ways makes it a bit easier to separate. I know exactly how you feel but my H is far too self centered to keep it up for too long.

I hope i am not stepping on anyones toes here but LS recommended this :

 

The article "Identifying Losers, Controllers & Abusers" includes the three stages of separation:  Detachment, ending the relationship & follow-up protection.  -  drjoecarver.com

 When i read Dr Joe's article it really brought it home to me to understand Him and why they do what they do especially the nice phase.

 

This may help you because this behavior he is doing is messing with your head.

It seems to be harder because and correct me if i am wrong LS you also are healing or rather going through grief and the nicer he becomes it brings back memories of why you fell for him in first place the emotions just rise up and then it's real hard....

 

Because you feel "Oh he's not that bad "  eventually you start to think "Was it all in my head he's lovely".

Then he uses the kids to really get to you.

 

My childhood abusers were really good at this making one feel 'oh so safe and loved they were oh so nice'

putting one into a false sense of security making sure your reminded of all the good times childhood memories etc  (GAME)

 

So from my experience of my childhood abuse and my marriage now i have quickly realized it's just the 'GAME'

 

My childhood abusers played it..My Husband plays it ..It looks like Your H is playing it....This is why it is so hard ......

Dr Joe Carvers article on Stockholm syndrome also helps and you may see clearer on why it's so so so hard. to separate and move on when going through a 'nice'phase....

 

Just remember it's a GAME TO CONTROL YOU..... Ask yourself does he really really Love me?

My CH Abusers did NOT ....

they loved their addiction  they loved the control YES... NOT ME....  They were out of CONTROL....

 

My H (This is a hard one for me ) He tells me he does but my logical brain says NO it's the game....

I can empathize where you are coming from of course it's hard cos THEIR GAME is hard....

 

Hope this helps

God Bless

WGxx

 

The quote, BTW, was from Maya Angelou  - "I did what I knew how to do & when I knew better, I DID better".

 

So true.

 

You are such a gentle person.  I feel that in all your posts. 

 

Something I did to remind myself of that inner child/person.  I kept (still do) a picture of myself at about age 2 on my dresser.  I promised that little girl that I would find her, protect her, & nurture her.  I would set her free so that she can BE all that she was meant to be!  That little girl had NO scars of abuse on her soul.  She was innocent & the picture of gentleness.  It gave me a visual of what I was trying to accomplish - to blend the person I was meant to be (with all those wonderful qualities) with the person I had become.  I still had all those qualities but they were buried under years of abusive behavior - years of being told how stupid & worthless I was.  Once I realized that I was being told a pack of lies, it was easier to delete all those messages in my head so I could find my way back to that little girl that was locked up in the dungeon of my soul.  Maybe that's the key - to erase all those negative messages that you had been given.  If it's negative, it MUST be related somehow with abuse - so GET RID OF IT!  Wipe the slate clean as I said so that all those wonderful qualities can shine in the sunlight of the new & improved you.   

 

You keep flexing those old muscles & erasing - you'll be SO proud of yourself one day for the wonderful strong person you will be.  You have been wounded - seriously.  Anyone that has been abused for years is "severely abused" - that was in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans too.  It will take time to heal & distance yourself once again from that insidious game.  You did it once, you'll do it again.  Why did you fall into that trap again?  Perhaps there were a few lessons that you hadn't learned yet.  Whatever the reason doesn't matter now.  The important thing is that you DID eventually realize the game once again & you DO KNOW that you can heal again - you did it once before.  THIS TIME you will do better & you will be on guard the rest of your life because abusers are out there EVERYWHERE - co-workers, sisters, brothers, relatives, friends, strangers in the supermarket....  You will be able to spot them coming from a distance eventually! 

 

You are an awesome person now.  It's mind-boggling how awesome you will be once you are past all this mess!!!  A force to be reckoned with!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

In the process of being a MomMom once again - my 2nd daughter was admitted to the hospital in labor!  I have 3 1/2 grandsons now.  (1 is due in October)  This baby, we don't know if it's a girl or boy.   Hope it's a girl but I'll be happy with whatever God decides to give us!  She just called me - she is doing well - the baby vigil is on!!!  I'll let y'all know when I find out something!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

Wow thank you for your quote from "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ( Another book i shall be buying soon) .

 

If this helps my father was made out to be the 'Monster' and my mother the 'Angel' she was the church going one the one to show me 'right' from 'wrong'. So yes i was really mixed up.

(she also sexually abused me but she used barbiturates so i would have no memory of it nice eh?)

As a child there was always hope that it would stop that deep down inside they were good people.....

It's only when i had my first child that i realized they were going to do it to her! my maternal instincts were so strong that i had the strength to walk away i was like a 'lioness with her cubs'. I knew deep inside that they were never going to stop NEVER... because as you put it their inner power connection was disconnected.

 

You are so right when you say We are doing him NO favors by staying & trying to "save" him.  WE are the victims - we can only hurt them further.  We have allowed the abuse to continue too long.  We will never be anything more than their victims to them.  They don't really love us.  They are not capable of real, unconditional love.  So letting go is really the only alternative for a victim. 

 

I keep reminding myself 'It's a GAME' and i for one am not playing it anymore!!!

Honeymoon phase or no Honeymoon phase it's all lies anyway they are so self absorbed in their own turmoil how can there be any room for LOVE?

The children are a possession they own ..You are a possession  they own ...Just like owning a car.

For my parents i was just Farm stock... My Husband just a possession..

 

You are right to say You ARE strong, compassionate, gentle, kind, loving, & courageous.  Now let all those good things grow inside you & flower in the new light that you have found!!! 

 

God Bless to you all

WGxx

GOOD LUCK TO YOUR DAUGHTER!.

 

This baby no all babies are a blessing to us all

God Bless

WGxx

Hi everyone,

       Where i live there is a child who is totally out of control  age 6..

He appears to have ADHD but his parents won't accept this they have been offered Ritalin....they refused.

The reason i am mentioning this because He is just like my H in so many ways when my husband looses it or starts with his rubbish my girls say to me 'He is just like a Man Mark' he is just like that little boy Mummy. I have to agree...

 

He is violent to other children especially younger girls He vandalizes our neighborhood smashing up things, cars etc you name it he does it....

He has thumped one of my daughters and he has kicked and beaten my other one...

(they don't play with him anymore after that their choice).

I don't know what happens behind closed doors of course .... but from speaking to both parents he was a difficult baby Pregnancy not much better...

I have noticed there is a lack of love within the family probably why he behaves the way does .....

Not only that he is always biting hitting kicking punching his mother her reaction she just laughs....

 

She laughs nervously so maybe her H is abusing her who knows but maybe he is a child with problems a chemical imbalance perhaps...

He looks like he will turn into a abuser in his adulthood (He already is now) ...

 

I feel they should educate educate parents educate children about abuse

the mother i mentioned needs educating that each time she laughs at her son when he is abusive it is telling him 'it's OK' she is worthless....

 

The saying "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world" is so true.... We the women have to realize that it is all a game this little boy because he is a little boy sees it as a game of control and dominance and he like our abuser will just carry on  with his Game....

The worst thing of it all is when my daughters stood  up to him and Said "STOP" when they stood their ground the boys family refused to talk to us for months again showing him his behavior is acceptable...

 

They should educate New mothers in antenatal classes about abusive behavior to stop this cycle and save us all heartache and misery!

 

This is just something i was thinking about........

 

God Bless

WBxx

 

Hi, LS

 

Good luck to your daughter! I wish her and the baby health and happiness!

God Bless!

 

JS

Hi, webgirl, and welcome to the board!

Thanks for your reply, you are right in everything and I know all these games. I read a lot and this board is incredible supporting. I am always amazed how any situation I am living, there are others on this board that are or were on the same spot.

 

I have to go now, but also thanks Phoenix for your answer too, IT IS helpful!

 

LS, as usual, thank you so much for being here all the time. You have no idea how much you are in my heart!

 

Good luck everyone and God Bless!

 

JS