Topic : Abuse

Each and every one of you!! Unfortunately I can't get on the internet anymore. I'm only able to do this rarely. How I miss so much. You're right...nothing feels the same. Nothing IS the same.

In a word...I haven't been in touch with the "grocery store man". And while whatever pain I might be dealing wtih currently in my life, I cannot even getin to compare it with someone else's. My heart can bear only so much pain, however selfish that may sound. Forgive me for that. Things have transpired in my own personal life that have caused me so much. Pain. I've always said it's been myy most faithful of lovers. Never deserting me. It comes in many shapes, fashions and forms. And yet...only so much. It would sound extremely selfish to talk of my own personal losses, and the losses of those near and dear. I'm afraid that I'm not as strong as I used to be. I will allow myself a selfish moment here and say that I've had my heart ripped out from things that happened in my own family. Add things from my "extended" family and sometimes it's simply too much. However...it is what it is. You deal the best you can.

I miss you all so much. Those of you dealing wtih your own personal pains...hang in here. People here care, probably more than you'll ever know. They understand. They love. Let that love envelop you,  you won't regret it.

I hope some day to be able to be back regularly. I will go out on a limb and state that I WILL be back someday. I can't wait.

My love to all. Strength is within that love.

 

And Pleasance....my porch light burns. Always.

                                     

 

You are only 23 far and away too young to put one more minute into this marriage.

Get out now! He has already threatened your life and he's mean to the kids. He will not get better. He will only get worse. If you have family and close friends who are trust worthy; will listen to you and help you... make a plan to get out. Don't let anyone tell you that you should stay and work it out.

Get in touch with the police and let them know what your situation is at home and what you are planning

to do for the safety of your children and yourself. Don't stay with this man. Make sure that only your most trusted family and/or friends know what you plan to do; the fewer people the better. Don't talk to his friends. They will, most likely, tell him!

 

Get a restraining order. If he finds out where you are, call the police. Avoid him at all times. Take every precaution you can to ensure your safety and the childrens'.

May God protect you and your family.

 

I have to ask, if this person is making you feel "non-existent" why are you still with H.

This is a red flag, so is snooping to see where you've been on the computer. H is suspicious because he is projecting his misdeeds on to you from what I gather in your last posting.

 

I don't know what your situation is or how much I should post here. I'm hopeful that you don't feel that

you're in any physical danger, but the tone is certainly that of an emotionally abused woman.

Things are ok I guess.

I got a nasty email from G. I hadnt spoken to him in a week, and I got a random email bursting with anger, that was just this side of delusional.

Fun times.

Saturday I got an email from an old mutual friend for a rental reference for G - apparently he is putting my name down as a reference for things. Is he nuts?

Wanna guess my reference? I suggested they rent to someone who likes to work and earn a living.

What a nutbar.

I don't mind answering your questions regarding the 'red flags" my aunt missed.  I guess the most honest answer to this question is ignorance - that's why I believe this board is so critical and necessary.  Back when my aunt suffered with DV, there was little or no information and certainly no one talked about it.  Understanding of what DV is and how it pertains to your relationship is key to survival.  Not every abuser is violent, not every abuser uses emotional abuse or financial abuse.  What's important is how you feel within your relationship - without making any excuses for your partner in any area - do you feel loved and cherished?  Can you speak to him on any subject and be heard?  Do you have access and use to all financial records within the relationship (bank accounts, debit cards, checking account, cars, investments?  Do you have the freedom to choose your friends and dress the way you are comfortable?  Do you have time to yourself without being monitored by your partner?  Does your partner check up on you either on your computer, work relationships, personal friendships or family? Can you say no to sex comfortably?  Does your opinion matter?  Does your partner contribute to your relationship or contaminate it?  Only you can answer these questions and only you can decide just how CONTROLLED you are by your partner. 

 

I recommend anyone in an abusive relationship take any threat seriously.  No one can predict when an abuser will snap.  No one has the insight when a threat will be carried through and when it's just a means to control.  With all the information I have gathered and all the books I have read, I would counsel anyone in an abusive relationships to have a safety plan.  Whether you ever put the plan into action does not matter, what matter's, you are prepared.  If you need to leave home urgently, be prepared.  Where would you go?  How would you get there?  Do you have any money stashed, ID, clothes, a few toys for the children?  Learn about the resources within your community, contact your nearest DV shelter, talk with them, tell them you don't know if you will need their support but want any information they can give you to incorporate into your plan.

 

My local newspaper felt this topic was so important it has run an 7-day expose to educate and inform the public because the statistics are so high.  One in (4) women will be abused either physically, emotionally, sexually or financially within their relationship.  Those numbers are staggering and those numbers do not count the unreported cases.

 

Abuse controls - very effectively.  It's learned behavior.  Men don't lose their temper.  Rather, they learn that by losing their temper, by throwing things, breaking things, punching things, yelling, threatening, etc. they can control someone else.  Manipulation, martyrdom, pity parties, etc.etc.

 

I recently had a conversation with my daughter regarding controlling situations in the work place.  An abuser/controller can spot victims very easily.  People who are laid back, not demanding, go with the flow, team players and generally people you enjoy being around who have no desire to be the center of attention, or have any need to control can very easily become victims.  It happens so subtly that it is almost unrecognizable unless you train yourself to spot this type of behavior before you become emotionally involved either in a business setting or a personal relationship.

 

Life is not a rehearsal.  Each person matters and if you can't be the best person God intended you to be within the confines of your relationship, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship and the energy you are putting into something that is doomed to fail because abuse has no place in a healthy relationship no matter what.  No excuses - no "I'm trying" - no relapses - abuse is a choice. Your partner either chooses to be healthy or he chooses to be abusive, plain and simple. 

 

You may not agree with my opinion but that's the boundary I have established in all my relationships.  It has taken me a very long time and I have been disappointed and hurt, but the end result is worth every bit of pain it cost me.  I can honestly say, if I had it to do all over the same way, I would answer yes.

 

Porch lights on for all in need.  I really care.

 

Very Irish 

Thanks so much for your insight, and I agree with your opinion completely. I can relate to every word. The added validation does wonders for my soul. I'm truly looking forward to a peaceful life someday.

 

Good girl

 

 One of my coworkers just called to tell me that  a 'very friendly woman' approached her when she saw my coworker's uniform and said to tell me and my husband hello.  This 'very nice woman' happens to be the woman that my husband had the 5 year affair with.  It completely caught me off guard and I spewed all kinds of nasty words about it to my coworker.   I feel like I've just been smacked across the face.  I know that I should be over this by now but I feel like the wound was just freshly ripped open. I suppose it is possible that she did it as a step in for forgiveness or maybe she did it to spite me, but whatever her reason it feels like spite and I am really upset.

 

 

Alright, I'm over this now.  I still think it was dirty and thoughtless of her, but why would I expect any less?

It was dirty. She obviously made it a point to say something. If she was trying to be civil, she would have said nothing. You know this is going to continue, don't you? I wish you were my neighbor, I'd go up to that woman and say "Ta duh! You just won the prize of the century! You are now the poor soul who has to put up with help's H's BS!!--ENJOY!" then I would make you move in with me!! THE END!

 

Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you,

Good girl

You did the best possible thing for yourself...come here to the board where you can be validated and be safe.  Vent away here.....not in public with someone who does not have your best interest.  We will support you and help you to grow beyond this situation.   

 

Of course your co-worker is mean spirited and most unkind.  You are better than that and now you need to get some restraint in this area.  Consider the source!!!!!  This women knows your H was unfaithful to you for (5) years and she was the cause!!!  Come On!  By allowing her to get under your skin sends a message that you care what she thinks.  NOT!!!  Good girl has the right idea....I would take it a step further....I would not even acknowledge she existed.  I would not give one minute of my time to her.  You need to ask yourself some very insightful questions.  Why do you care what she thinks????   What bearing does she have on your serenity?  How can she help you to be the best person you are intended to be?  Or, will you allow her to drag you down to her level.  Think about it.

 

Learning to hang on to your power within any relationship is difficult when you have a pattern of giving it away.  She is a very small part of your world and if you don't allow her into your world than you can remain in control of you.  Just as abuse is a learned behavior, so is staying in control of your own space and boundaries.  You can do this....you can get past this....you are sooooooo much better than she could ever be.  See it for what it is....she is just another notch on H belt...nothing more, nothing less.  And, never will be until she gets some insight as to why she settles for so little.  Set your sights high - aim for the stars, you deserve it.

 

I Really Care

Very Irish