Topic : Abuse

This is PERFECT: 

  

"i cant and wont do this anymore. i want a divorce." 

  

I couldn't have said it better myself!!!!  PERFECT, just like you M4L!!!   

  

Just remember to have a safety plan -- in case he escalates, okay?  Put an extra set of keys in a safe place.  Have a friend call you and check on you.  Just in case.  Something like that. 

  

Plan B's are always a good idea. 

  

Gotta run.  Stay safe!  You can do this!
Q 

i will tell him face to face. last time i left almost 3 years ago. i told him and then literlly 1 minute later my stepfather and then browther in law where there to help me move my stuff. involving other people really got him upset. i've proimsed to tell him when i leave. otherwise he wil be more angry, and say it as hurt.  i'm not going to try tomake him feel better. i try to get him to at least accept it temporaily. i know a few  days later he will go back but as long as he temporality agrees and the conversation ends and the tension is gone then i can be okay. he's gotten explanations many times. i told him in januray i wanted toleave and in the end of januray again.t his time i will mean it and i will leave, and my things will leave and my kitten will leave. 

i can just do it. 

if it escalets and i have to leave then i will go to a hotel. beacuse if ihave to leave my familys homes would not be safe as he knows where they live. i will also take my kitten with me beacuse he has shown he can be mean to my kitten, thogh not the other one,... wierd. thanks a bunch.

He will not change he will not budge...it's already been proven and he has blatently said "I will not change anything about myself...I am fine the way I am"  so there's my answer... 

  

Thanks again for your support and helpful words! 

  

Eve 

My first time to this board or any board for that matter...I have read this board a few times so I really feel the content is helpful to many people even those just browsing.....Well my story is that I am in  an emotionally/verbally abusive marriage for 2 1/2 years  and have no one to turn to for any advice ....Since I have never been around anyone that has been a good marriage example it makes it extremely difficult to even know what is right and wrong in a marriage... My husband is a Jekyll and Hyde too....I thought it was just him...how scary is it that there is so many of them....I am made to feel like it is my fault he is that way too....Counseling has been a joke for us so far and I just do not know what to do or how to emotionally be strong enough for the things I am dealing with....How do you get past the emotions of what he wants you to feel( worthless, stupid, no good and weak)? I was a very strong person before we got married and just do not know how to find myself when all i constantly hear are negatives.....Any ideas would be great.....I look forward to being involved in this board...with you...

A question for you. 

  

Are you outside the USA? 

  

And the other question, did you travel there recently? 

  

Also, are you safe? 

  

  

Hello, please get back to us. 

  

Thank you. 

  

  

When my husband is in a good mood, everything goes alright. But any time he is confronted with something he may have done wrong or needs to do better, he gets depressed, angry, and yells and slams doors and throws things. He has a huge self-esteem/anger problem and the two feed into each other. After he blew up at me last week (4 times), I confronted him with his abusive behavior and told him that it had to stop if our relationship is going to survive. The next day he told me that he almost commited suicide as a result. 

I want to make our marriage work, inspite of everything, I still love him. But I can't stand this any more. Any time I try to talk to him about improving our relationship, he takes it as a personal insult and either starts going off on me over every stupid little thing, or gets depressed and suicidal. He refuses to get help or talk to anyone but me about it and gets angry when I turn to my friends for support. He will read stuff I find on the internet about it, but is unwilling to be accountable to anyone to follow through and make real changes. I've been living with this for almost 5 years and I just emotionally can not take it any more. Either this changes and in like the next 3 months, or he risks losing me. Whether or not I leave is his decision, not mine. It depends on whether or not he's willing to take responsibility for his behavior and get help and really talk to me. I am ready to throw out almost everything about the way our relationship works and talk through everything and build a new and stronger relationship, but I can't do that by myself. He has to change too. 

Is there anyone else out there in a similar boat. 

i appreciate your advice.  i have went to some of the sites u posted for someone else.  im not sure if i have ever been in a healthy relationship(according to all the definitions of emotioal abuse).  my father is a alcoholic to this day.  at 34 years old it still breaks my heart that my dad doesnt/isnt able to love me.  my current husband was the first guy ever to actually make me feel loved.  now he is turning out to be like the rest.  i have a long healing road ahead of me.  you will never know how much your positive words have helped.  are you a counselor now? 

  

But I have felt my h abuses the boys to some degree in front of me!  I have seen him push them around, he will hit them with the belt if they misbehave in school, he'll "flick' them in the head, etc.  For too long I allowed myself to believe it wasn't so bad. (I grew up with some of the same stuff from my parents and never felt abused,)  I have on occassion spoke up about it, he says that I'm wrong, that we need to not do that to each other.  If one disciplines the children than both parents need to stand behind it.  Of course, if I need to discipline the boys I take away priveleges and use time outs.  The problem is, if he hears about it he will still try to discipline and threaten them. 

  

THREATS!  That is the biggest problem!  He is constantly threatening them.  The boys will tell me, "Dad said he will hit me with the belt until my butt bleeds", or "Dad said I will have to quit the basketball team" or some other outrageous threat.  Of course he never goes through with it. THANK GOD! 

  

Our 9 year old came home from school the other day in tears.  He had an "error slip" for something that happened on the playground. (This was the first time he got one this year) and he was so upset!  After i calmed him down I found out he broke down in the principals office.  He said he told him his dad would hit him with the belt over this when he got home.  I was sure d.p.s. would be on my door step that evening.  But they weren't whew, I say that because I DO NOT want to lose my boys.  Also, my h bark is much worse than his bite.  I promised my son he would not get the belt.  I also spoke to my husband about it and he reluctantly agreed to lay off.   

  

As far as my h doing things when I'm not around, I DO NOT believe it.  My boys pretty much tell me everything, every threat etc.  Its been tough, I try to tell them that daddy sometimes says things he doesn't mean when he's mad.  But I also have to reassure them that their daddy loves them. 

  

I am working on these issues along with my own.  I stand up to him more when its about the boys.  Every disagreement is met with h shutting down, not talking or getting mad and slamming things or pouting.  Some days I think he thinks about it after and feels bad.  I also sometimes think he's trying to change (at least on the boys part) ie: not using the belt the other day after I told him of the promise I made to our son. 

  

But thanks again for your reply, I will check out those websites! 

no he did not get arested because i lied i know i was wrong but i had a small baby at hmoe that i could not take care of i told my doctor the truth later but it was too late to do anything about.